When a Stroke Strikes - Act FAST.
Fuck off, stop telling me what to do, for your fucking information my reaction is determined by which person is having a stroke. If I happen to be in the company of that mamouth fucking c-unt Mat Dawson and I spot his face drooping I'll make a coffee and have a ciggie first then maybe dance a sea shanty in front of him as he's gasping for breath and reaching for help before I decide to, or not dial 999 , ok with you ?
Slurred speech , can't raise their arms , difficulty smiling ? Hang on , that sounds like everyone in fucking Wigan. The emergency services will be stretched to breaking point if every fucker calls for an ambulance in these instances. I know fucking loads of people that fit a " stroke " profile and it's me off to a tee after 9 pints of Stella. I'm no doctor but would it not be less confusing for you to just mention their forehead being on fire as a sign you thick fucking bastards.
Shove your awareness adverts up yer fucking ringpiece. Don't do this , don't do that , fucking next you'll be telling me I can't have a wank on the bus or cover every square inch of my walls with pictures of my neighbour sunbathing with WHORE daubed in red paint over them.
Dear Lurpak.
On the advice of my dear old gran I decided to try your product after using margerine happily for many years on my sandwiches , scones and toast.
With the benefit of hindsight and the same consequence , also saving the sum of £1.96 would it not have been easier if I grasped my butter knife and just stabbed and skewered fucking big holes in my slice of bread. Maybe painting a housebrick yellow and keeping it on a saucer in my fridge for an everlasting supply of Lurpak is an option ? If you would be interested I'd wager the housebrick is easier to fucking spread on a teacake than your product.
After falling unconscious in the kitchen due to the fatigue and weariness in fucking trying to scrape a bonsai knob from your commodity to spread on my crumpet I awoke lying naked (apart from an Easter bonnet on my head ? ) on the kitchen floor in the foetus postion shedding tears and stabbing myself in the leg with a fork despairing that I would never ever concoct a method to melt your fucking butter. At this wretched time I felt alone and desolate, to give you c-unts at Lurpak an idea of how low I was I would have gladly taken at this moment while lying parralel with the skirting boards that my Lurpak would thaw slightly to the consistency of fucking granite.
You fucking shower are as bad , if not worse than the c-unts at Pringles who have also been on the recieving end of a size 10 up the arse strongly worded letter of complaint. " Once you pop you just cant stop " Well why the fuck do they have resealable lids ? Contrary to all precedent in this case I found " stopping after popping " in colloquial terms a piece of fucking piss if you wish to know , so less fabricated statements from you Pringle bunch of tit wanks would not go amiss thus also not delivering the bogus message to gormless fat c*nts who feel it is not possible simply sample a few Pringles but have to consume the whole fucking tube because the dense, portly, pot bellied gorging twats take your slogan too literaly , good work from your marketing dept though. While I am on the subject , Select Pringles. " Ohh look they come in bags ! " or " WOW.. fantastic , crisps in a bag " Bags ? who would have thought hey ! Well the fucking Normans did in 1057, they used " bags " to carry currency and other items as archeologists will confirm and as I am aware people have taken advantage of bags ever since you cluster of fucking slow minded , moronic , dense , cock brained cunting gobshites.
Your competitor I Can't Believe It's Not Butter can fuck right off an'all. What gargantuan wank stain decided to go with this brand name. Was it the same c-unt that persuaded weatherman Micheal Fish to christan his daughter Courtney ? Frankly I can't believe you're not a bunch of fucking scamming , shite dairy product producing , saggy arsed bellends. Shove your low in cholestrol , low carbohydrates , rich in trace minerals , no saturated fats butter up your stinky shitty rinpiece you fucking epic bastards.
I don't ask for much in my submissive life . My wife often requests that I venture south on her . Even though she has a tuppence like a yetti's welly that reeks of skipjack tuna I ascend up her ladder to ring her bell without protest and frequently my grid is on the recieving end of a belching fanny fart so squally it parts my fringe , nevertheless I soldier on licking. Therefore is it too much to fucking ask you degrading masochistic Danish buttery bastards for a measely knob of butter that gives me at the very least a fighting chance to disperse a slender layer of butter on my morning toast. Failing this plea how about a gesture of goodwill from your good self by installing a fucking furnace in my kitchen so I can attempt to defrost your fucking quartz like butter you insufferable manky horde of c-unt flaps.
Back to you Lurpak. If in future when I sit at my dining table and your little butter man Douglas is sat on my toast rack playing his trombone I will cave his fucking head in with my pudding spoon , mind you , if Dougie is made from Lurpak the fucking spoon will bend first.
If I kill again , it will be your fault.
Fucking Women / Activia.
LUV....the house is on fire , the Four Hoursemen of the Apocalypse are riding up the street and we're going to burn in a lake of fire and sulphur soon..ok ?
" Ohh dear...I'll just have a wee first "
LUV...Satan and God are having a battle in the garden shed , probably be the second coming of Jesus soon, then Armageddon and the final judgment knowing our luck , hurry up.
" Right..mmm..I'll just see if I can have a number two then "
For fucks sake , everything you fuckers do is organised around you being able to have a piss or recconnaissance for a later slash yer incontinent, fucked fridge fannied bastards..Yes we'll do that because there's a toilet in there and I can have a wee...just have a wee first I won't be a minute , can I have a wee before we go , I can't go two hours without a wee , be ok to have a wee in there won't it etc..etc.
What the fuck is up with you shower of piss stained , constipated , perma slashing bints.
Fucking different story having a shite though isn't it.
Fucking Activia yoghurt advert is to blame. Women sat around all fucking day on their fat wrinkly arses, more than likely have been farting into the same cushion for twelve months , watching Loose Women all afternoon with their similar ocean going arsed bone idle mates slagging off men , the same men who are out grafting all day enabling you lot to fester at home in harmony while you scoff Viscount biscuits and pour litres of latte down your cavenous fucking cake holes only pausing to scratch your clinker ridden ring piece or Sky + How To Look Good Naked or Ten Years Younger, ohh and a new set of porcelain veneers and a botoxed forehead doesn't make you look ten years younger , it makes you look like Bingo from the Banana Splits you fucking bubble arsed , boss eyed, fucking demented, corpulent , fishy minged , bottom feeding , fucking fat tart.
" Ohhh..I feel a bit bloated and sluggish "
WELL GET OFF YER FUCKING FAT ARSE THEN AND HAVE A SHITE.
Fuck me.. What next an advert from Anadin. Do you get a headache when you repeatedly hit yourself on the head with a lump hammer ? Then try Anadin for instant relief.
How do you fucking gormless slothful twats expect to feel when the only exercise you get all day is bending down in the morning to pull your magic knickers up past your flabby bulbous pale love handles. Well I fucking swig coffee all day and park my tubby carcass on the sofa watching shite on the box , I'd expect to feel like having the urge to compete in a triathlon , what is wrong ? Daft bastards.
Eight out of ten women experience digestive discomfort. Ohh go and get fucked , them coal miners don't know they're born do they. Nearly every fucking day I touch cloth or end up walking like John Inman looking to find a bog and I'm not fucking complaining. Go and have a shite and wind yer neck in for fucks sake because I couldn't give a crabs c-unt about your discomfort.
Better still, try the Activia 14 day challenge , money back guarantee. What on fucking gods earth is that about ? Are you supposed to go to customer services in Asda with one of your stools in a shoe box and approach the lady at the counter , here you go love , thats all I've done since a week last Wednesday, receipt is in the box.
Also a big thank you to Activia for spoiling my Nell McAndrew wank yer c*nts. I'm nearly there..here we fucking go...there you go Nell...come on...phwoarrr....Ah h fuck it.. I've now got a vision in my head of Nell gurning with " digestive discomfort " trying to drop anchor with her knickers around her ankles thus ruining my dream that pretty women dump butterflies and glitter not shite.Couldn't you have used Joe Brand or Mark Ronson's sister instead ? Fuck me not a pretty thought but I can imagine Joe crimping one off no bother so in future Activia don't even think of using Kelly Brook either or any birds of that ilk please. Infact I reckon Joe Brand's logs are that big they have breather rings on them where she's had to pause a few times mid shite to take stock and her sphincter has contracted slightly , shaping her turd like the handle of a coppers truncheon. , probably just pulls her draws up too without wiping the minty twat.
" Do you ever feel bluuurted or feel tired beccause your bluuurted " Its fucking bloated you thick Yorkshire spunk bucket.
Please also will you women stop fucking announcing in that forlorn tone like your fucking Captain Oats that your going for a shite only to appear five minutes later with a face like a kid at New Brighton that has just had his ice cream nicked by a seagull only to mumble " nothing ? " or " Felt like I wanted to but nothing came out " or " I'll try again later " Fucks sake you've been on the bog not Afghanistan, get a fucking grip. I'm not boasting but as soon as I squat and I tuck my bellend in the pan touching the cold porcelain and goose pimples appear on my thighs my hoop is gaping like a hungry carps gob. Rusty water, teddy bears arms and legs , fizzy gravy , Coco Pop milk , baked whincers , sticky scuds and the fuckers that take half your arse hair with them...No problem , fucking bigger and stickier the better.
By the way , it is no coincidence women are targeted by Activia , in a word gullible. Blokes wouldn't fall for this shite. If I a mate in work said to me do you want a coffee and I replied..Nah you're alright , got a bit of digestive discomfort I'll have a probiotic yoghurt drink thanks...I would get fucking lamped deservedly or he'd think I was a Perry Como. Again no coincidence that it is almost entirely women that visit mediums or phycics , especialy that conning yankee c*nt Edwards on Sky.
C-unt - I'm getting the name Dave...Dave..yes I can see Dave, do you know a Dave.
Bird - No.
C-unt - Dave's gone now. I'm loosing him..he's back now...Derek..Darren ..Denzil.
Bird - Errr I know a Darren.
C-unt - Darren is no longer with us , he left us recently didn't he ?
Bird - Yes , he went with First Direct to Gran Canaria last Thursday.
C-unt - Darren wants you to know that he is ok on the other side.
Bird - I know he texted me earlier on.
C-unt - Darren.err..err.he's fading..he is a short man isn't he.
Bird - Mmmm not really..his nickname is Lurch.
C-unt - Would he be tall if he stood on a box.
Bird - ( Filling up ) Oh my god..amazing..how do you do it ?
Thick bints. It is is fucking sour fruity milk not a magic shitting potion. If Activia sold feather boas and told you that if you waved it above you head and jumped of a bridge you would fly..would you ? No don't answer. I bet you women believe the ingredients too. Contains digetivum tumtum , polynonplussed sodium milfates , no added cocofizzilogical pesticide , microflange toromolinos , nitroelement 05 , megawaffleions , nutrient dildol x 70% , vitagamma radon. Always read the label. No I fucking wont. Fuck off , shove yer label up yer fucking arse you probiotic c*nts. I'm not reading it because it is a load of made up bollocks you swizzing c-unts.
Best thing for a shite believe it or not is a ciggie , ask a smoker. Like my gran used to say...Have a ciggie before bed..in the morning turtles head. Same time every fucking day , my arse even self adjusts when the clocks change. All this without fucking Activia the hoaxing c*nts. The Activia scientists have developed a formula....have they fuck. Probably a load of aging hippies in Activia's lab all licking hallucinagenic toads and pissing themselves watching milk go off before bottling it and flogging it to you naive constpated simpletons. " It may aid your digestive transit " Ohh fuck off.
Conclusion.
Women, try exercising as much control with your sphincter muscles as you do with your purse clasp and you'll soon be Olympian dumpers like me yer grumbling whinging , mingebag , bunged up gobshites.
Bruce cuntin Springsteen.
I get up in the evening, and I aint got nothing to say ( good, yer dull gobshite )
I come home in the morning, I go to bed feeling the same way ( terminal I hope )
I aint nothing but tired, man Im just tired and bored with myself ( we're all bored by you )
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help ( Anti-freeze in your khorma ? )
You cant start a fire, you cant start a fire without a spark
( Never heard of a magnifying glass you dense fucking c-unt )
Mancs.
C-UNTS.
