Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny

[farawayred]

Which Liverpool player hops around everywhere?

Joey Matip

Damn, thought it was Joey Gomez...

[Keith Lard]

Which Liverpool player only drives Swedish cars?

Saabio erm Volvo

This is I don’t understand 🥹🫵

[Keith Lard]

Damn, thought it was Joey Gomez...

Umm 🤔 you may have a point there

[Keith Lard]

Which Liverpool player had cheesey feet?

Jan Moldy

[Ghost Town]

Which liverpool player took a Scottish lake to court?

I'm sure you can work it out

[Elmo!]

Which liverpool player took a Scottish lake to court?

I'm sure you can work it out

I don't get it, there aren't any Liverpool players called Menteith.

[Keith Lard]

Which liverpool player took a Scottish lake to court?

I'm sure you can work it out

Graeme Sue Ness

first time I ever figured out a joke 😄

[Party Phil]

Which liverpool player took a Scottish lake to court?

I'm sure you can work it out

Alan A'Court

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

Why cant you hear a Pterodactyl when they go to the Toilet?

Spoiler

Theyre extinct   

[close]

[Saltashscouse]

Who wears the biggest hat in the Army ?

The bloke with the biggest head

I'll get my coat 

[Ghost Town]

Which army officer scrutinises everything?

Spoiler

Major Look! 

[close]

[Fitzy.]

I used to bang twins before I was married and people used to ask me how I could tell them apart.

I said it was easy. Jenny painted her nails pink and Tom had a cock.

[Keith Lard]

I used to bang twins before I was married and people used to ask me how I could tell them apart.

I said it was easy. Jenny painted her nails pink and Tom had a cock.

Lmao filthy 👯‍♀️

[Saltashscouse]

The Egyptian car park attendant
Toot n come in

[Ghost Town]

The Egyptian car park attendant
Toot n come in

Man, that joke was old before Howard Carter was born

[Terry de Niro]

Man, that joke was old before Howard Carter was born

Or before Jesus played right back for Jerusalem.

Spoiler

Not the Arsenal one.

[close]

[afc tukrish]

Or before Jesus played right back for Jerusalem.

Spoiler

Not the Arsenal one.

[close]

Heard that one a Lot...

[Ghost Town]

Heard that one a Lot...

It's a good Job that you have

[bradders1011]

The Egyptian car park attendant
Toot n come in

He's a dodgy giza

[SamLad]

wonderful thing, the English language.

you can use the same 2 words to make either a great thought or a lousy one.


Free alcohol.... or.... Alcohol free.

[Ghost Town]

wonderful thing, the English language.

you can use the same 2 words to make either a great thought or a lousy one.


Free alcohol.... or.... Alcohol free.

Both those mean the same thing.

Feel this is a syphon or hyphen thing

[SamLad]

Both those mean the same thing.

Feel this is a syphon or hyphen thing

no they don't   

damn pedants.

[afc tukrish]

Both those mean the same thing.

Feel this is a syphon or hyphen thing

In casual convo, person to person linguistics, absolutely they do not...

As you are well aware, Ghost Wind Up...

[Elmo!]

I don't get it.

[Terry de Niro]

A 3-foot 3-inch man knocked on my door this morning.
I said 'Who are you?'
He replied 'I'm the meter man'

[afc tukrish]

I don't get it.

 

[bradders1011]

That lad who escaped the commune in France to return home to Oldham.

A weird, insular community where incest is rife, drug abuse is commonplace and nobody works. The place in France doesn't sound great either.

[Boston Bosox]

So,this guy,Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny piano and a little guy a foot tall.The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully .The fellow on the next bar stool,Joe,says,'That's amazing.Where did you get him?'
Bill says,'Well,I got this magic lamp with a genie.'
'That's great,' says Joe. 'Could I use it?'
Bill says,'Sure,' and hands him the lamp.
Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie.Joe says,'I want a million quid.' Suddenly the room is filled by a million octopuses! Joe yells 'Hey! I asked for a million QUID! not SQUID!'
'Yeah,sorry about that,the genie is a bit deaf,' says Bill.'You don't think I really asked for a 12" Pianist,do you?'

[Boston Bosox]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the
morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the
husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[John C]

Back to the 90s for this one

A Scouser walks into a shop in Wigan and asks " Have you got any Turps love ? "

The woman replies " Do you want video turps or cassette turps "

Excellent

[John C]

The Egyptian car park attendant
Toot n come in

hahahahahahahah

[bradders1011]

Went for a job interview, they asked if I can perform under pressure.

I said no, but I can do Radio Gaga.

[jambutty]

What did the dockside Scouser say?

"Guilty as charged M'lid."

[Only Me]

Went for a job interview, they asked if I can perform under pressure.

I said no, but I can do Radio Gaga.

I had an issue at my last interview.

Fella asked me to summarise my character in three words.

I said “not good at following instructions”

[Boston Bosox]

The following Jokes are a bit dated  but I posted these on the official web site years ago

Gary Neville,Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney were set to face a firing squad in some small Central American Country.Gary Neville was the first one placed against the wall.Just before the order was given to shoot he yelled out,'EARTHQUAKE!' The firing squad fell into a panic and Gary jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Michael Owen was the next to be placed against the wall.The firing squad was reassembled and Michael pondered over what he had just witnessed.Again just before the order to shoot was given,Michael yelled out, 'TORNADO!!' Again the firing squad fell into a panic and in the confusion Michael slipped over the wall and escaped.
Wayne Rooney was the last to be placed against the wall.Already he was thinking,I see the pattern here,just scream out something about a disaster and skip over the wall and escape.Wayne confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad assembled for the third time. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled 'FIRE!!!'

[Boston Bosox]

Three Liverpool Fans and three Man Utd Fans are travelling by train.At the station,the three Man Utd Fans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Liverpool Fans buy only a single ticket. 'How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Utd Fans. 'Watch' says one of the Liverpool Fans.
They all board the train.The United Fans take their seats but the three Liverpool Fans cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs,the conductor comes around collecting the tickets.He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'ticket please'. The door opens just a crack and a arm appears with a ticket in hand.The conductor takes it and moves on.The United Fans agrees it is a clever idea.So, on the return journey,the United Fans decide to copy the Liverpool Fans.When they get to the station , they buy a single ticket but to their amazement the Liverpool Fans don't buy a ticket at all. 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the United Fans. 'Watch' says one of the Liverpool Fans.
When they board the train the three United Fans cram into a toilet whilst the three Liverpool Fans cram into one nearby.
The train departs.Shortly afterwards, one of the Liverpool Fans leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the United Fans are hiding.He knocks on the door and says,'Ticket please......'

[Boston Bosox]

A Liverpool Fan walking along Southport beach one day found a bottle.He rubbed it and,sure enough,out popped a Genie.
'I will grant you three wishes,' said the Genie. 'But there is a catch,'
'What's the catch?' the Liverpool Fan asked.
The Genie replied; Every time you make a wish, every Man Utd Fan in the World will receive double the wish you were granted.'
'Well, I can live with that! No problem!' replied the Liverpool Fan.
'What is your first wish?' asked the Genie.
'Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!'
whoosh! A Ferrari appeared in front of the Liverpool Fan.
'Now every Man Utd Fan in the World has two Ferrari's,' Said the Genie. 'What is your second wish,'
'I'd love a Million Pounds,' replied the Liverpool Fan.
WHOOSH!! One Million Pounds appeared at the Liverpool Fan's feet.
'Now Every Man Utd Fan in the World has Two Million Pounds,' said the Genie.
'Well,that's OK, as long as I've got my Million,' replied the Liverpool Fan.
'What is your third and final wish,?' asked the Genie.'
The Liverpool Fan thought long and hard,and finally he said.........
'Well,you know,I've always wanted to donate a Kidney........

[Terry de Niro]

The following Jokes are a bit dated  but I posted these on the official web site years ago

Gary Neville,Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney were set to face a firing squad in some small Central American Country.Gary Neville was the first one placed against the wall.Just before the order was given to shoot he yelled out,'EARTHQUAKE!' The firing squad fell into a panic and Gary jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Michael Owen was the next to be placed against the wall.The firing squad was reassembled and Michael pondered over what he had just witnessed.Again just before the order to shoot was given,Michael yelled out, 'TORNADO!!' Again the firing squad fell into a panic and in the confusion Michael slipped over the wall and escaped.
Wayne Rooney was the last to be placed against the wall.Already he was thinking,I see the pattern here,just scream out something about a disaster and skip over the wall and escape.Wayne confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad assembled for the third time. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled 'FIRE!!!'

[Boston Bosox]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Boston Bosox]

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t too bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don’t make the last payment on Grandma’s grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she’s going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

With Love

Mom