Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 677541 times)

Boston Bosox · « **Reply #7640 on:** January 29, 2024, 10:18:57 pm »

What did the buffalo say when his son left?
Bison!

Terry de Niro · « **Reply #7641 on:** January 29, 2024, 10:20:03 pm »

*BREAKING Everton News*

They have been bought by a billionaire from Dubai.
The deal has been rumoured for some weeks now and will be formally announced next week.
Reports suggest that the billionaire is Sheik Anvak.
Apparently, he's going to put the freshness back.

Redwhiteandnotblue · « **Reply #7642 on:** January 30, 2024, 11:12:47 am »

Quote from: Terry de Niro on January 29, 2024, 10:20:03 pm

*BREAKING Everton News*

They have been bought by a billionaire from Dubai.
The deal has been rumoured for some weeks now and will be formally announced next week.
Reports suggest that the billionaire is Sheik Anvak.
Apparently, he's going to put the freshness back.

Nothing could make Everton smell good.

Saltashscouse · « **Reply #7643 on:** January 30, 2024, 11:28:33 am »

Quote from: Boston Bosox on January 29, 2024, 10:17:42 pm

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.
After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.

“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.

The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

Giraffe to tell that joke

Saltashscouse · « **Reply #7644 on:** January 30, 2024, 11:30:01 am »

What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison ?

You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo

Sudden Death Draft Loser · « **Reply #7645 on:** January 30, 2024, 11:32:02 am »

Quote from: Saltashscouse on January 30, 2024, 11:30:01 am

What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison ?

You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo

What's the difference between a wildebeest and a gnu?

You can't paddle a wildebeest

Saltashscouse · « **Reply #7646 on:** January 30, 2024, 11:38:46 am »

Quote from: Sudden Death Draft Loser on January 30, 2024, 11:32:02 am

What's the difference between a wildebeest and a gnu?

You can't paddle a wildebeest

Never Gnu that

Only Me · « **Reply #7647 on:** January 31, 2024, 07:46:39 pm »

Newsflash.

News just in: An upsetting video has emerged from the African savannah showing a gnu throwing itself off a cliff to fall to its death.

It was quickly followed by a second, then a third, then the entire herd followed over the edge.

Initial estimates indicate over a 1000 animals died.

Well, that’s the end of the gnus, now it’s time for the weather forecast.

Boston Bosox · « **Reply #7648 on:** February 1, 2024, 08:36:34 pm »

I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap

Elmo! · « **Reply #7649 on:** February 1, 2024, 08:43:16 pm »

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

bradders1011 · « **Reply #7650 on:** February 1, 2024, 08:47:05 pm »

Quote from: Boston Bosox on February 1, 2024, 08:36:34 pm

I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap

Made a tit of yourself

Terry de Niro · « **Reply #7651 on:** February 1, 2024, 09:28:39 pm »

Quote from: Boston Bosox on February 1, 2024, 08:36:34 pm

I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap

Quote from: bradders1011 on February 1, 2024, 08:47:05 pm

Made a tit of yourself

bradders1011 · « **Reply #7652 on:** February 2, 2024, 10:11:22 am »

Epsom FC are the saltiest set of fans.

farawayred · « **Reply #7653 on:** February 2, 2024, 05:06:02 pm »

Quote from: bradders1011 on February 2, 2024, 10:11:22 am

Epsom FC are the saltiest set of fans.

😀

Statto Red · « **Reply #7654 on:** February 3, 2024, 05:46:20 pm »

Marouane Fellaini has announced his retirement from football. I thought he did that when he joined Everton.

Boston Bosox · « **Reply #7655 on:** February 3, 2024, 09:29:24 pm »

Quote from: bradders1011 on February 1, 2024, 08:47:05 pm

Made a tit of yourself

Boston Bosox · « **Reply #7656 on:** February 3, 2024, 09:36:43 pm »

An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and says, “Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes – what would you like?”
The Irishman scratches his head, then answers, “A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty.”
“Granted, master” replies the Genie and produces the bottle.
The man is delighted and gets drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks. Finally he remembers that he has two other wishes. He rubs the lamp again and the Genie appears.
“Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?”
“You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle?” he asks the Genie.
“Well, for my final two wishes, I’d like another two of them…”

Terry de Niro · « **Reply #7657 on:** February 8, 2024, 09:24:00 pm »

A man walks into a zoo, All it has is a little dog.
It's a Shih tzu.

Boston Bosox · « **Reply #7658 on:** February 9, 2024, 10:59:05 am »

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea

Lee1-6Liv · « **Reply #7659 on:** February 16, 2024, 04:29:09 pm »

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It's a Rome ants novel.

Terry de Niro · « **Reply #7660 on:** February 16, 2024, 08:53:42 pm »

Patient: "Doctor, I keep on hearing strange voices coming from my underpants."

Doctor: Ignore them, they're clearly talking bollocks."

Keith Lard · « **Reply #7661 on:** February 17, 2024, 06:09:03 pm »

Which premier league manager hangs pictures of wheels in his bathroom?

Ange Postercogloo

bradders1011 · « **Reply #7662 on:** February 17, 2024, 08:13:20 pm »

What do you call a lawyer from Brighton?

A legal seagull.

bradders1011 · « **Reply #7663 on:** February 18, 2024, 03:00:57 pm »

Nobody wants a dad bod but everyone wants aunty bodies.

Terry de Niro · « **Reply #7664 on:** February 19, 2024, 11:17:31 am »

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

Saltashscouse · « **Reply #7665 on:** February 19, 2024, 12:01:40 pm »

The teacher asked the class to use the word " centimeter " in a sentence
Little Johnny puts his hand up and says
" My auntie was coming from London on the train and I was " centimeter "

Saltashscouse · « **Reply #7666 on:** February 19, 2024, 01:19:02 pm »

What's better than eating a mandarin ?
Eating Amanda out

Nobby Reserve · « **Reply #7667 on:** February 19, 2024, 02:08:41 pm »

Q - Where's the capital of England?

A - In the offshore bank accounts of the 1%

Nobby Reserve · « **Reply #7668 on:** February 19, 2024, 02:14:37 pm »

Party Phil · « **Reply #7669 on:** February 19, 2024, 03:17:56 pm »

Quote from: Saltashscouse on February 19, 2024, 01:19:02 pm

What's better than eating a mandarin ?
Eating Amanda out

Well, that's certainly brought down the tone in this thread.

Quote from: Nobby Reserve on February 19, 2024, 02:08:41 pm

Q - Where's the capital of England?

A - In the offshore bank accounts of the 1%

Much more cerebral and thought provoking, thank God Nobby is here.

Quote from: Nobby Reserve on February 19, 2024, 02:14:37 pm

Ah well, never mind...

bradders1011 · « **Reply #7670 on:** February 19, 2024, 03:39:17 pm »

Quote from: Saltashscouse on February 19, 2024, 01:19:02 pm

What's better than eating a mandarin ?
Eating Amanda out

Christ, not the Amanda I know.

jambutty · « **Reply #7671 on:** February 20, 2024, 06:06:02 pm »

Back in the day, the lads from our street were so 'ard, they used to sing You'll Never Walk Again.

jambutty · « **Reply #7672 on:** February 21, 2024, 08:29:50 pm »

You can't sue if you fall in your own driveway.

It's your own asphalt.

jambutty · « **Reply #7673 on:** February 22, 2024, 01:39:30 am »

If you knew Susie
Like I know Susie
I'd kill yer

Terry de Niro · « **Reply #7674 on:** February 22, 2024, 05:12:10 pm »

Just been to visit my friend's new baby.
They asked me if I wanted to wind him.
I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a Chinese burn instead.

jambutty · « **Reply #7675 on:** February 22, 2024, 05:24:44 pm »

Quote from: Terry de Niro on February 22, 2024, 05:12:10 pm

.

I resemble that remark.

rob1966 · « **Reply #7676 on:** February 22, 2024, 05:30:50 pm »

I'm thinking of starting a marsupial fighting championship

I'm gonna call it mortal wombat

afc tukrish · « **Reply #7677 on:** February 22, 2024, 06:01:21 pm »

Quote from: rob1966 on February 22, 2024, 05:30:50 pm

I'm thinking of starting a marsupial fighting championship

I'm gonna call it mortal wombat

Or a course in marsupial ethics

Moral wombat...

Son of Spion · « **Reply #7678 on:** February 22, 2024, 06:44:46 pm »

Quote from: Terry de Niro on February 22, 2024, 05:12:10 pm

Just been to visit my friend's new baby.
They asked me if I wanted to wind him.
I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a Chinese burn instead.

I just saw Vincent van Gogh in the ASDA. The girl on the checkout said to him "do you need a bag with that?" He said "no thanks, I've got one ear."

Terry de Niro · « **Reply #7679 on:** February 22, 2024, 10:09:25 pm »

Quote from: Son of Spion on February 22, 2024, 06:44:46 pm

I just saw Vincent van Gogh in the ASDA. The girl on the checkout said to him "do you need a bag with that?" He said "no thanks, I've got one ear."