Reina - Shite on crosses and he can't catch a ball, you don't have to punch it every fucking time you know.
Arbeloa - Slow. Lightweight. Can't shoot. Can't cross. Can't tackle. No good in the air. No good on the ground. No good.
Carragher - Overrated, he wouldn't be anywhere near the first team if he wasn't Scouse. He's slow. He can't pass and as soon as he passes the halfway line his vertigo comes back.
Skrtel - Always diving into tackles and giving away needless fouls. Not particularly good in the air. Needed fucking oxygen for a tear, pussy.
Agger - Permanently injured due to a life threatening broken toe. Nice tattoos though, I'm sure they don't hide junkie track marks.
Degen - He's actually very good...at crosswords so I've heard, Christ knows what he's like at football, malingering c*nt.
Dossena - Quite likes his pies.
Aurelio - Has body issues. Can't eat for fear of a muscle strain.
Hyypia - Past it. A liability. He's slower than an OAP on smack.
Alonso - Has a morbid fear of the opposition half. Continually loses possession in dangerous areas. A poor man's Gareth Barry. No assist for over a decade now.
Mascherano - .18 fucking million what? About as good as Sissoko at everything bar passing and shooting.
Gerrard - The best all-round player in the world. He can shoot, pass the ball forty yards, tackle, he's strong, quick, direct and incisive. Time and again he has carried the Liverpool team on his broad shoulders and dug them out of a hole - An extract from Gerrard's fifth autobiography. Learn some tactical awareness and while your at it learn to pass the ball to a teammate you egotistical twat.
Kuyt - He once, almost, showed a bit of skill...accidentally. He has the heart and lungs of an elephant but unfortunately he has the guile and technique of one as well. He's fucking useless.
Riera - Take your time getting to the byline you slow, ugly c*nt, oh and when you get there make sure you slice it uncontrollably for a goal kick. Not good enough for Man City, fits in well here.
Benayoun - The ball seems to be stuck to his foot by a piece of string, which presumably is why he can never get rid of the fucking thing. How many times do you want to beat your man? pass it or shoot FFS.
Babel - He struggles to control the ball and if miraculously it does stick, he struggles to know what to do with it. He's dim witted and bone idle. Good rapper though...twat.
Keane - He's been a revelation since he arrived. Before he came I thought that he could...you know...play football. Fuck me that was money well spent. Still he's progressed from missing the ball completely to just skewing it wildly, so give it a season or two and we could have the Irish Ronnie Rosenthal on our hands.
Torres - Fuck it I'm not going there. He's class, even if he is a tiny little bit girly.