I thought about 8 months or so ago I was at the bottom of the well. Indeed, I might have been. I remember the feeling of hopelessness that flooded my body, the feeling of not wanting to live. Those feelings became so strong that I actively made plans to end my life, so much so that I was halted from doing so by the Police. It was a dark period in my life for me and my family. I remember most of the episode but given that I had a breakdown some days are completely gone from my memory. Spending time in a mental health unit was not something I ever thought would happen, but had I not been taken there then I wholeheartedly believe that I wouldn't be here now. It wasn't a case of me necessarily wanting to die, but the idea of continuing and facing the pain was too overwhelming. It all hurt too much. Mentally and physically I was in pain, I won't say I was catatonic but I found it hard to simply respond to a question. As I said at the top of this paragraph I was at the bottom of the well, and there I thought it could not get any worse.
Unfortunately, I feel like it has gotten worse. I feel like I have found a level deeper than I knew was possible. In the subsequent months after leaving the unit I improved. I was put on medication, I underwent intense therapy for certain issues and I was feeling a lot better. My personal life was in turmoil for a while (I'll elaborate on that later) but other things were better, like I found out I was to become an uncle for the first time and job opportunities were coming along. Unfortunately in the middle of August I lost my Nan rather suddenly. I was so beset by grief that I believe I posted a thread on her in her memory. I'm not much a thread starter, but I felt compelled to do it and my life was again thrown upside down. The boss, the Don Corleone of our family as we used to call her was gone and the impact of her loss cannot be emphasised enough. She was everything to us; she had 8 children with almost 30 grandchildren and the family was thrown into chaos as her husband, my Grandad, died in the late 90's. The whole family dynamic had changed. We feared it would happen and it is doing so now, but the whole layout of the wider family isn't the same; people have fallen out, people are strangers, cliques have formed and while it is understandable to an extent it doesn't make it any easier. She was a truly wonderful woman.
I think for a while I didn't realize what had happened. I mean yeah, she was ill, 80 years of age with a myriad of problems but she went so suddenly that it was hard to grasp. My personal life at this point had improved and those who I know through PM or through the relationship thread will know the turbulent time I've endured during the past number of months. By this point me and my ex had reconciled, we were getting on great and that was a positive. But in all honesty given that I was so determined not to lose her I concentrated by entire effort not to do so. I don't think I allowed myself the time to grieve for my Nan, and up until now I don't think I still have.
I say we were getting on great, and yeah I suppose we were, but only on her terms. The relationship was a secret given what had happened during the last break up and I was a dirty little secret. Nobody knew we were together from her side. The odd person knew we were on good terms and seeing each other (they presumably thought it was the odd platonic coffee), but nobody knew we were in a relationship. Great, right? More stress and pressure to deal with. If I called her up she would never answer if someone was around because she couldn't answer and say "Hi Luke, how are you doing?". How could she? I was a secret. If we were on the phone and someone walked in I'd be buttoned, she had to make plans around her personal life that didn't include me. She frequently took what she could from me and postponed our plans if something else better came along. I would sometimes call her up and need to talk about my Nan, just to offload a little and have someone there for me. Guess what? She wouldn't answer because I was a secret. A girlfriend of 10 years couldn't offer her boyfriend support in grief because she was keeping me hidden. But guess who was the bad one for bringing any issues up about it? Not her.
Yeah, I agreed to the relationship the way it was temporarily, I stupidly believed that she would tell people eventually. She never did. We would have a wonderful night out, or a run of wonderful nights out, but then a petty argument would lead to her saying 'I was close to telling people but I'm not now because of that argument'. Right, back at square one. Looking back, she would initiate the arguments simply to have her excuse ready. Love, it makes you do crazy shit. I used to say ask would she like a holiday and she would equivocate and not answer properly. Why? Because where the fuck was she going to tell people she was for a week or two? Not possible. Camping for a weekend seemed great, nobody bats an eyelid. 2 weeks, where has she gone? No, I was a secret, it wasn't allowed. If you extend this secret part to every aspect of the relationship I'm not surprised there were arguments and animosity at times. She doesn't, she believed that I should know my role basically and shut up and accept it. I did, because I love her. I had no right to complain. I had no right to moan.
So we go back about 4 weeks and we had been getting on wonderfully well for the most part. She was getting closer to me, and she was still feeding me the soundbites that it would soon be OK. We would walk past a jewellers and she'd stop to look at rings, we looked at places together, we talked about marriage and kids. She was telling me how thankful SHE was for me not giving up on her. She told me that she loved me more than she ever had. I felt like finally it was getting somewhere. But one night we had an argument over something rather petty and it got out of hand. She ended it on the spot. She didn't want to talk for a few days, that few days went into a week. At that point however my little nephew was born (another red in the world). We were on better talking terms, I was hopeful she was coming around and when the baby was born she texted my family and congratulated them, she told me how excited she was and that WE had a nephew to spoil and love. I was relieved on two levels. One, to be an uncle to a gorgeous baby boy and that me and here were OK and we could head into the Christmas period full of the joys.
How wrong I was. The next day she decided to ghost me. For those unfamiliar with the term it's when a man or a woman in a relationship (or affair) completely ignores the other one. Blocked on everything, calls go cold, no response, nothing whatsoever. The night before we seemed OK, then suddenly she was gone like she never existed in the first place. Strange, I thought. Very strange. The timing was appalling from her, and after a 10 year relationship it was extremely cowardly to do what she did, especially so given the new baby and it heading into Christmas. She finally responded about 10 days later, telling me that I knew it was over and she never wanted to speak to me again and that she had a letter with her reasons ready to post. OK, heartbreaking of course but at least I was going to be told why.
Up until now there has been no letter. She promised to post it, to send it, for me to pick it up, but each time it doesn't happen. No letter exists. She's since promised to Email me the same words as the letter but again, she hasn't. It does not exist. We bumped into each other on a night out over Christmas and it was amicable, we hugged and kissed on the cheek and even though I was all over the place she still said she loved me but she couldn't be with me. We didn't speak until New Year's Eve, I admit I called her and we spent time on the phone and it was again rather amicable and we laughed a bit. She agreed we needed to talk like adults face to face, she needed to tell me her reasoning and to put things to bed. She said to call through the week to arrange a date. Fine, when I do she's fucking drunk and acting the complete opposite to how she did on New Years' Eve. On NYE she said it was the hardest period in her life, she's deeply depressed, she doesn't want to not be in my life but she has to do this, etc. Then when we spoke a couple of days later suddenly she's happy, she denied saying she loved me, she was cold and bitchy in all honesty. She poured water on any hopes UNTIL the last bit of the conversation, when she said that when she saw me out by chance over Christmas she went home and thought 'What have I done, I want to be with him, I've made a mistake'. So she's playing with my emotions, she hasn't fully let go. You could say it's a case of I wont let her, and in part I would agree, but she's also making offers to see me to 'talk', she responded to a NYE message. She continues to have me by a string, knowing I'm a fool, knowing she can have me when she wants me, knowing that she doesn't have to sweat or worry about the situation. I'll go running anytime she wants, and her ego and power trip tendencies love that.
So that's where I'm at in my personal life. I'm broken. Much of this post has been taken up by relationship issues and maybe it should be in the designated thread, but I'm not feeling this low and depressed just because of that. It's the impact of the past 12 months. It's the death of my amazing Nan. It's experiencing a strange and cold Christmas. It's the overriding feeling of loss. It's the fear of getting older and experiencing more of it. It's the idea that I'll never truly escape the demons inside my mind. I wanted to start this year on a bright note, and my little nephew is truly a little ray of sunshine, but it's difficult to find the strength to move forward. I keep thinking I'm getting there but I never do. I make one step forward and then two back.
I've accepted that life isn't for me. It's brought me too much heartache and pain lately that I feel like I've got no more ink left in my pen. I've got no more to give. If this was a boxing match I'd have thrown the towel in. Life's supposed to be beautiful but it's nothing more than a living nightmare. I don't know what I can do to keep going. I'm incredibly sorry for the long post, it went on longer than I imagined. I suppose I've got so much built up inside me and I had to get it out somewhere. The emotional rollercoaster I've been on has beaten me. That's what I feel has won. I cannot bear the thought of having to deal with any more emotional issues, I feel like I've already had a lifetime of it. I just want it to stop.
There's a Moby song, and it's used at the end of the episode 'Join the Club' in The Sopranos. The lyric that stuck in my head is 'I don't want to swim the ocean, I don't want to fight the tide, I don't want to live forever, when it's cold I'd like to die.' I'm feeling very cold right now. Very, very cold. Maybe, somehow, I'll find the warm.
