I'm currently seeing a crisis team in Lancashire because of what's happened. Tried to take my life twice in three days, basically, my belt snapped or I wouldn't be here.
Problem is, I'm having pretty vile mood swings. One minute, like now, I can be absolutely fine. I can feel normal, and there's nothing wrong. Then if something minor winds me up/upsets me, I flip out, break down and think about killing myself again.
A few things led up to me trying it. Relatives dying, general life pressures, missing family and friends, being worried about my little brother's own suicide attempts. But breaking up with my ex is what's really done it.
We were a pretty fucked up couple. Everything was 200% all the time. Very demanding emotionally. She had crippling anxiety, I didn't have any MH problems, but I tried my hardest to understand. She's had a lot of family problems and basically, I think she held on very tightly to me, because she didn't want to lose me like she has her mum (they don't talk). But with that came a lot of pressure and criticism from her. Nothing I did right ever mattered as soon as there possibly could be a problem. After a year of being told what I did wrong, I broke up with her, regretted it, then proceeded to get screwed over. My problem is that after a very intense year where she very much became my everything in a more literal than a romantic sense, to lose that is like having to deal with a loss. Over a week period after I broke it off with her, she took me back and changed her mind over 40 times. I'm not exaggerating. Over 40. Eventually she decided no. She then proceeded to send me a 2000 word email, telling me just why I wasn't good enough, how I was a c*nt, how I have no mates, no one likes me, I'm arrogant, I'm this, I'm that and I'm the other. Imagine that... Someone who you love, who you've done your best for, for over a year, been through everything with... she has 2000 words of bad things to say about me.
Yeah... that's crushed me. I can't sit in a room anymore without thinking what others might be thinking of me, I keep going for walks, just to be on my own. Even after I got the email and I ended up being hooked up to an IV of Parvolex, she continued to fuck with my head and I refused my mate's attempts to visit because I couldn't stop thinking about how they don't like me, they're just doing it to feel sorry for me. I don't know what to do. People will obviously say she's bad for me, to cut her out, but I can't. I just can't bring myself to do it.
I've changed as a person. I used to be calm, collected, etc. Now I'm volatile. And I'm going back to uni in a few weeks, nearly 3 hours away from home, I'm worried that something's going to happen and I won't have my family being here as a reason not to do it.
