Spoiler
There is a girl who I met last year, and we're in the same group of friends now. Since around February I started to feel more than friendship towards her, we talked a lot on facebook, hang out a couple of times, everything seemed really good, but I was not sure whether to make a move or not. I talked my other friend about this (who is also her best friend) and she said she likes me too, and basically everyone else (friends) think we should be together already. I decided to tell her how I feel. It surprised her, she said she thought I don't want anything more than being friends with her. I thought maybe she needs time to think, then a couple of days later I asked her out, but she said was busy with school, which I understood because she has finals coming etc. I asked her again on the weekend, and then she said that she doesn't want a relationship now, especially not with a friend. It really broke me. I knew she likes me, I felt she likes me, everything went great until I actually told her how I feel and she started thinking. And I know for a fact if I had make the move earlier, things probably would've worked out well. But no, I just waited instead, thus ruining everything.
We agreed to be friends (it was about 3 weeks ago), but we barely talked since then, I thought it would be for the best for both of us anyway. I was thinking, maybe we can actually get back to being friends in summer when her exams are over, there'll be less stress etc, and she might change her mind. Then, this weekend our group met again. I wasn't feeling well, and didn't even wanted to go at first, but I thought it'd help me if I'll be with friends, to feel a bit better. She was there too, and it was all good/okay, I wanted to play it cool, and I just started drinking to ease my mood a bit, usually it's not a problem, but I drank too much this time, and got very drunk.
When this anxiousness mix with too much alcohol, it can bring the worst out of people, which happened to me now. Her ex was a proper bad dickhead (sorry for lack of better words, but he really was) towards her after they broke up, and while I didn't act as bad as him, I was aggressive and horrible (not with her, but generally with people who were there, I even insulted some of my friends). I don't know even know why, I'm not like that at all. And I fear that she thinks that's who I really am, similar to her ex. I hate myself for acting the way I did, I even hate to write it down, it's laughable, really. Now I don't have any hope left that she might change her mind. And honestly, that's the worst - lack of hope. At least, until the weekend I had some hope. I know it might sound selfish, but I thought that having a girlfriend might help to sort my life out, too.
I'm 23 and never been in a serious relationship, which is a bit pathethic, or I guess most people think it is (including my dad probably), and it is a big problem for me as well. I just really liked her (still do) and now I'm completely lost. I know I probably should move on, but I feel like I can't. Finally I met someone who I really like, and who liked me too, and I fucked it up.
I've been here before once, even if it's a slightly different situation and that wasn't as bad as this one, I really hate that I'll have to go through this again - because i'm not sure I can. I just always think about her, why I did what I did, what I should've done different, and it annoys the hell out of me how could I be so stupid this weekend. I really fear that I lost a friend too, or that our relationship will never be the same. I also spend a lot of time alone at home, which doesn't really help either. It feels like everything is in ruins around me (this is just a part of it, uni and the lack of full time job concerns me too) and I don't know where to start to sort it out, in fact I don't even feel that I have the energy to do it. Now I just worry a lot, I can't sleep properly, I've lost weight, and even have some not very happy thoughts occasionally, to put it lightly. Hearing some of the stuff my dad says about me behind my back or sometimes to me doesn't help either, and I hate that he is right at times.
When I was about 10 I think I've had some sort of anxiety problem, I used to have chest pains (among other stuff), and it was so bad once, I still remember, that I thought I was going to die, and had to be taken to hospital (it might've been a panic attack, but at that age i'm not sure it happens). Anyway, they only told me that it's just in my head, and that I should stop worrying. I remember the doc asking me if there's any issue at home or school, school was fine, but at home there were issues though, and while I didn't tell them, I think my mum did. There was a time when my parents always argued, I hated it because it always made me cry at the time and, and I feared that something bad would happen. Things got better thankfully, and I had no such problems during my high school years. Maybe it didn't go away completely.
The reason I wrote all of this is because I'd like to see how people from the outside see my situation, maybe with an honest opinion. I don't know much about depression or anxiety, if I should seek professional help (i don't really want) or it's not that serious, maybe someone can help me here, maybe I'll be told I'm pathetic and should just man up, which is fine - maybe I really am. Sorry for the long post, and the potential mistakes in my English & thanks if you've read it. (at least as I was paying attention to the grammar, I wasn't thinking about these things)
