Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny

[sinnermichael]

Going for a Brexit themed Christmas dinner this year.

No Brussels.

[bradders1011]

Hired a bouncy castle last year for £100, this year it's cost me £150.

That's inflation for you.

[Fitzy.]

I was once kidnapped by a mime. Did unspeakable things to me.

[liverbloke]

two chimpanzees in a bath

one says - oo ah oo ahh oo oo

the other says - yes, it is a bit hot

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Sister Mary was relaxing in the bath when she heard a knock at the door?

Alarmed, she cried out "Who is that?"

"The blind man," came the response

"Oh. Right, well come in"

The man entered, looked down and said "Nice, where do you want the blinds hung?"

[Andy @ Allerton!]

My car was iced up and I didn't have anything else, so used my Tesco Clubcard.

I got 10% off

[liverbloke]

a giant hole has appeared in liverpool city centre overnight

when the local police were asked what are they doing about it

they answered - we are looking into it



christmas cracker joke no. 3790378

[Elzar]

Why does Kate Bush need to turn the heating off?

She's been running up that bill!

[24/7]

Why does Kate Bush need to turn the heating off?

She's been running up that bill!

In fairness though she's been managing it well. Her consumption rate dropped off a heathcliff.

[bradders1011]

She's had to put the tumble dryer on. There goes a tenner.

[liverbloke]

She's had to put the tumble dryer on. There goes a tenner.

she's always busy around the house - this woman's work is never done

[mobydick]

Two blokes walking down the street see a dog licking its balls.

The first bloke said "I wish I could do that"

The second booked chirped in "youLd better pet him first he looks angry to me"

[Red_Mist]

I asked my cabbie what the attraction of the job was and he said "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. No one tells me what to do, I make my own decisions."
I said “Great. Take the next left."

[Wabaloolah]

Just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry's book is available to download.

She said 'do you want the PDF file?’

I said no, that's his uncle.

[SamLad]

Just been to the gym.

they've got a new machine.  only used it for about half an hour coz I started to feel a bit sick.

it's great though, does everything. 

KitKats, Mars bars, crisps, you name it.

[Terry de Niro]

Paddy and Murphy are at the races.
Paddy asks Murphy "Would you like the winner of the next race?"
Murphy replies, "no thanks, my garden is too small."

[capt k]

My 8 yard old granddaughter
“Why don’t orphans play baseball?”

They don’t know where home is

[Kenny's Jacket]

Paddy and Murphy take a seat in the pub.  Looking through the window at the building across the road, Murphy says
"It's disgusting Paddy, they've turned that building into a Brothel."
an hour later and they see a Rabbi loitering around the entrance before running in. "Those bloody Jewish hypocrites" moans Paddy.
A few pints later they see the Vicar going in "Dirty protestant bastards, they've no shame" Shouts Murphy.
Just as they're about to leave Murphy sees the local priest leaving the building. He immediately removes his hat and says "Oh thats awful Paddy, one of the girls must have died"

[bradders1011]

The off license owner accused of selling out of date cream liqueur is being tried at the Old Bailey's.

[liverbloke]

2 flies tucking into a dog turd

one burps the other says -do you mind, i'm trying to eat

[Redwhiteandnotblue]

Anybody got any advice on dealing with loneliness?

I'm asking for a friend...

[Redwhiteandnotblue]

Anybody got any advice on dealing with loneliness?

I'm asking for a friend...

Nobody? Looks like I'm on my own here…

[capt k]

Nobody? Looks like I'm on my own here…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_P-v1BVQn8

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Bob was a really lonely fella. He lived at home on his own, did everything on his own and felt he needed some company.

He visited the pet shop and after speaking to the owner, he came away with a centipede that he named Jim. Jim came with a little centipede house with its own little leafty centipede garden.

Bob was delighted and he really felt some companionship as he saw Jim settle in and became part of his daily life.

A few weeks after Jim arrived, Bob knocked on Jim's tiny door and said "Hey! Jim! Fancy a pint mate, I'm going down to the dog and pumpkin!"

He waited a few seconds and heard a bit of shuffling around, but didn't get an answer.

"Hey! Jim! Mate! I'm going down the pub, do you fancy coming? Might stop at the chippy on the way home. What do you reckon?"

More silence.

By now Bob was getting a bit angry. "Fucking hell, Jim. Are you coming to the fucking pub or what?"

Jim pops his head out and says, "Fucking hell Bob, give me a minute, I'm just putting my shoes on!"

[liverbloke]

the missus says the best sex is definitely outdoor holiday sex wearing nothing but a smile

...i must be honest, it's not the best postcard i've ever received

[capt k]

Australian politician was electioneering at an Aboriginal settlement and saw an 18 foot crocodile swallowing one of the locals on the banks of a billabong.
Turning to his guide he said, "I thought this lot were poor, so how come that guy can afford a Lacoste sleeping bag??

[liverbloke]

the guy who invented the personalised car number plate sadly died today

his funeral will be on TUE504Y

[sinnermichael]

An ABBA tribute band was playing in our local cinema and theatre complex.

 I didn't go to the venue but I could hear the drums from Nandos.

[Nobby Reserve]

Bob was a really lonely fella. He lived at home on his own, did everything on his own and felt he needed some company.

He visited the pet shop and after speaking to the owner, he came away with a centipede that he named Jim. Jim came with a little centipede house with its own little leafty centipede garden.

Bob was delighted and he really felt some companionship as he saw Jim settle in and became part of his daily life.

A few weeks after Jim arrived, Bob knocked on Jim's tiny door and said "Hey! Jim! Fancy a pint mate, I'm going down to the dog and pumpkin!"

He waited a few seconds and heard a bit of shuffling around, but didn't get an answer.

"Hey! Jim! Mate! I'm going down the pub, do you fancy coming? Might stop at the chippy on the way home. What do you reckon?"

More silence.

By now Bob was getting a bit angry. "Fucking hell, Jim. Are you coming to the fucking pub or what?"

Jim pops his head out and says, "Fucking hell Bob, give me a minute, I'm just putting my shoes on!"

I shouldn't, but 

[24/7]

I bought a Humpty Dumpty toy for my niece yesterday from Aldi. Absolutely fab! It comes with Aldi King's Horses and Aldi King's Men  

[Son of Spion]

I bought a Humpty Dumpty toy for my niece yesterday from Aldi. Absolutely fab! It comes with Aldi King's Horses and Aldi King's Men  

That Asda be one of the best puns in the thread. 

[liverbloke]

That Asda be one of the best puns in the thread. 

a lidl bit of humour goes a long way

[24/7]

Kwik! Save us from a long and tedious series of supermarket puns. If it was the ladies' team thread, the next one would be Leo's... 

[Terry de Niro]

Kwik! Save us from a long and tedious series of supermarket puns. If it was the ladies' team thread, the next one would be Leo's... 

Aye, should be sent to Iceland for that.

[24/7]

Aye, should be sent to Iceland for that.

Stayed up until late, for a new pun to await. Rose early next morning and nailed it.

[Ghost Town]

It's par for the course

[blert596]

It's par for the course

well, just a lidl bit

[24/7]

well, just a lidl bit

That's already been done - so in educational level terms, that one's County Primary (like mine was - Morrison....... bwahahaha!)

[liverbloke]

just walking past our church and saw the vicar leading a keep fit class with lucifer, beelzebub and satan

he was exercising his demons

[Crosby Nick]

just walking past our church and saw the vicar leading a keep fit class with lucifer, beelzebub and satan

he was exercising his demons

Jesus Christ!