Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 682150 times)

liverbloke · « **Reply #6760 on:** October 7, 2022, 12:35:18 pm »

i've just watched bernie taupin's new comedy about elton john

it's a little bit funny

bradders1011 · « **Reply #6761 on:** October 13, 2022, 07:11:53 pm »

Did you hear the one about the Mexican carpet fitter?

Underlay! Underlay!

Lee1-6Liv · « **Reply #6762 on:** October 13, 2022, 09:43:36 pm »

I've started writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes, right now it's just a draft.

Redwhiteandnotblue · « **Reply #6763 on:** October 13, 2022, 10:10:15 pm »

Henry Winkler gets on a plane and the stewardess asks him,

"Would you like any headphones?"

"Yes, please," he replied, "but it's pronounced Fonz."

Redwhiteandnotblue · « **Reply #6764 on:** October 13, 2022, 10:12:18 pm »

Did you know? If you unravel the entire human digestive system and lay it in a straight line...

...you lose your job at the mortuary.

Seebab · « **Reply #6765 on:** October 13, 2022, 10:14:42 pm »

Quote from: Redwhiteandnotblue on October 13, 2022, 10:10:15 pm

Henry Winkler gets on a plane and the stewardess asks him,

"Would you like any headphones?"

"Yes, please," he replied, "but it's pronounced Fonz."

Saltashscouse · « **Reply #6766 on:** October 14, 2022, 09:32:21 am »

Beware of the horrible scammers out there !

My best mate David sadly had his ID stolen

He is now known as Dav

Saltashscouse · « **Reply #6767 on:** October 14, 2022, 09:35:05 am »

Wish me luck

I am going to the bank later and if all goes well I'll finally be free from debt

I'm so excited I can hardly get my balaclava on

liverbloke · « **Reply #6768 on:** October 15, 2022, 10:46:51 am »

an old fella goes to the doctors to see if he can still have kids

doctor - well mick you're 85 now and you still want to try for kids?

mick - yes doctor so is it possible to have a sperm count at my age?

doctor - well, take this jar home and pop the lid off and leave a sperm sample inside and we'll take it from there ok?

mick - ok thanks doctor

a week later

doctor - well mick have you brought me that sample today?

mick - sorry doctor i tried and tried, first with my right hand and then with my left i even put a rubber glove on and it was no use so i decided to knock next door at my neighbour doris's to see if she could help and she had a good tug and still nothing

doctor - you asked your neighbour to help you?

mick - yes, and i'm sorry but neither of us could get the lid off

sinnermichael · « **Reply #6769 on:** October 16, 2022, 08:27:22 pm »

Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

sinnermichael · « **Reply #6770 on:** October 16, 2022, 08:27:46 pm »

Yesterday I asked the lady in B&Q, “what’s best for greasy ovens?”

She said “ammonia cleaner”.

I said “sorry, I thought you worked here”...

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #6771 on:** October 16, 2022, 11:44:39 pm »

Both very good.

liverbloke · « **Reply #6772 on:** October 20, 2022, 02:13:35 pm »

the guy who invented the crossword has died

luckily he had already picked his burial plot - 2 across and 13 down

Saltashscouse · « **Reply #6773 on:** October 20, 2022, 02:52:56 pm »

Johnny the local flasher was due to retire

But.............. he decided to stick it out for a little while longer

Only Me · « **Reply #6774 on:** October 20, 2022, 10:06:24 pm »

How do you manage to think the unthinkable?

With a fucking big itheberg.

liverbloke · « **Reply #6775 on:** October 21, 2022, 08:40:57 am »

a man walks into a doctor's surgery just as he's closing for the night

doc - we're just closing, sorry

man - but i have a problem doctor

doc - what is it?

man - i think i'm a moth

doc - sorry, you don't need a doctor, you're best seeing a psychiatrist

man - i know, i was just on my way to one when i noticed your light was on

SvenJohansen · « **Reply #6776 on:** October 22, 2022, 05:06:28 pm »

What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

A weasel is weasely recognised but a stoat is stoataly different.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #6777 on:** October 23, 2022, 12:53:36 am »

Quote from: Wabaloolah on October 23, 2022, 12:31:39 am

Pornographic image.

Delete it man...

Wabaloolah · « **Reply #6778 on:** October 23, 2022, 01:16:52 am »

Quote from: Tesco tearaway on October 23, 2022, 12:53:36 am

Delete it man...

I'm not sure it was but I've deleted it just the same

SamLad · « **Reply #6779 on:** October 23, 2022, 06:27:21 pm »

no matter how hard he tried to sleep, the insomniac dyslexic agnostic lay awake night after night after night, wondering if there really is a dog.

liverbloke · « **Reply #6780 on:** October 24, 2022, 05:02:58 pm »

young lad answers the door

dad - who is it son?

son - it's a fella collecting for the old folks home

dad - give him your nan

Kenny's Jacket · « **Reply #6781 on:** October 26, 2022, 01:54:13 pm »

Quote from: afc turkish on September 28, 2022, 02:56:27 pm

still working on it...

Me too, look at Nobby showing off.

SvenJohansen · « **Reply #6782 on:** November 1, 2022, 07:32:09 pm »

Knock knock

Who's there?

Ahh

Ahh who?

Werewolves of London

liverbloke · « **Reply #6783 on:** November 7, 2022, 08:18:38 am »

had the shits all last week

thankfully they've gone back to their mother's

Wabaloolah · « **Reply #6784 on:** November 10, 2022, 07:24:17 pm »

Laughed more than I should have at this

bradders1011 · « **Reply #6785 on:** November 11, 2022, 10:36:38 pm »

Just been in the airport and a bloke passed out on the baggage conveyor.

He slowly came around.

liverbloke · « **Reply #6786 on:** November 12, 2022, 10:24:23 am »

my mate has just been given the sack from his job on the dodgems

he's now pursuing a case for funfair dismissal

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #6787 on:** November 12, 2022, 11:13:46 am »

Coldplay have announced that they are going to play at Old Trafford

I've stuck £20 on them to win

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #6788 on:** November 13, 2022, 12:14:53 am »

Me and in the missus were stood in the orchard for 20 minutes before she turned round and said.. "Hang on, is this the Apple watch you promised me?"

liverbloke · « **Reply #6789 on:** November 13, 2022, 02:26:23 pm »

a guy's driving through the countryside when he happens across a farmer selling apples out of a sack with a sign next to him saying 'apples with any taste you fancy'

so he pulls over and says - any taste you fancy? what do you mean?

farmer - try me, any taste you fancy

man - okay then... rhubarb and custard

the farmer rummages in the sack and produces an apple - try that

man - oh i can taste the rhubarb but not the custard

farmer - you need to turn it over

man - oh wow, custard, that's amazing

man - okay then how's about sausage and mash?

the farmer rummages in the sack and produces another apple - there you are, try that

man - nope, i can only taste sausage

farmer - you need to turn it over

man - no way, fucking mash that's amazing

so the man tries to catch the farmer out

man - how's about one that tastes like my girlfriend's downstairs (note: i've changed that to be acceptable to the mods)

the farmer rummages in the sack and produces an apple - i think you'll find this one to your taste

man - ugh, that tastes like shit

farmer - you need to turn it over

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #6790 on:** November 14, 2022, 06:45:34 pm »

My inflatable house got a puncture and now I'm living in a flat

liverbloke · « **Reply #6791 on:** November 15, 2022, 01:22:16 pm »

made up, i just got an invite to the RNLI christmas do

they really know how to push the boat out

24/7 · « **Reply #6792 on:** November 15, 2022, 01:38:46 pm »

Quote from: liverbloke on November 15, 2022, 01:22:16 pm

made up, i just got an invite to the RNLI christmas do

they really know how to push the boat out

Ramping it up, eh?

Lee1-6Liv · « **Reply #6793 on:** November 15, 2022, 02:02:38 pm »

I was in the bookies and was told to put all my money on a horse called Landfill.

Turns out it was a rubbish tip.

Elmo! · « **Reply #6794 on:** November 15, 2022, 06:09:41 pm »

Quote from: liverbloke on November 15, 2022, 01:22:16 pm

made up, i just got an invite to the RNLI christmas do

they really know how to push the boat out

Doesn't sound that good to me, but whatever floats your boat.

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #6795 on:** November 16, 2022, 03:26:22 pm »

Took my missus to the zoo the other day.

We had a look around and all they had was one dog in a paddock.

It was a Shitzu

Saltashscouse · « **Reply #6796 on:** November 16, 2022, 03:34:54 pm »

Sadly my mate has gone to jail ,
He was really upset screaming and kicking ,effing and blinding
Thats the last time i play Monopoly with him

Saltashscouse · « **Reply #6797 on:** November 16, 2022, 03:37:22 pm »

To stop annoying trick or treaters knocking I've been answering the door bollock naked to scare them off
Oh hang on here's two more dressed as policemen

bradders1011 · « **Reply #6798 on:** November 16, 2022, 11:10:31 pm »

If your electric car breaks down you call the AA.

But if you've got a really small electric car, you call the AAA.

liverbloke · « **Reply #6799 on:** November 17, 2022, 08:55:52 am »

a chicken sees a duck trying to cross the road so he says

'don't do it mate you'll never hear the end of it'