Jeez, what the fuck is going on in here?
The problem with the Internet is that there's only so much support you can give. It's not like having a mate round where you can pour your heart out over a coffee or a beer and they don't have to say a damned thing. They're just there.
The very nature of the internet means that sort of connectivity is difficult. You might replicate some of the companionship through a video chat, but on a message board like this? Where interaction is text driven? It's not gonna work. People HAVE to respond.
And that can be hard. Sometimes you don't need, or even want advice or opinions, or even support. You just want to feel listened to. I've seen it on Elefriends - which is Mind's equivalent of Facebook for people suffering mental illness.
I've seen people constantly reject all advice and support in favour of repeating the same old negative mantras over and over and over again: "I don't want this, I want my life back" - but never do they seem to take any positive steps at all to actually do something about it.
Likewise I've seen women who have spent their entire childhoods being molested, grew up into promiscuous teens who had no self respect and rock bottom self esteem. They have personality disorders, post traumatic stress, anxiety, stress, panic attacks - yet they've found themselves a husband; they've raised a family; they're holding down a full time job.
Makes me feel very humble. I have to constantly remind myself not to measure my own life problems against those of another person.
I'm not judging here and I'm not drawing comparisons. I am just sharing an observation.
One of my besties told me a story about a chap she once knew. A real sad sack. People were constantly trying to cheer him up, take him out, get him motivated. None of it worked. He would constantly just say stuff like "There's no point, my life is worthless, I really shouldn't be here. Maybe I should just kill myself."
You know what happened? People eventually gave up on him. A few of them even started saying to him, "Well if you're that unhappy, then yeah, maybe you should just kill yourself."
And one day he did.
I imagine many people were kinda sad, but none were really surprised.
That's the problem with human perception filters. When you can so effectively screen out anything that contradicts how you view yourself and the world, then nothing anybody else can say or do will be of any use at all. And in the end you get angry, and start pushing people away because they're not agreeing with you. And they see it as a person throwing a child-like trantrum because their self morose isn't being indulged.
And then, when the constant talk of suicide rolls around, but they never do it - then you realise they're looking for permission. Because they're feeling guilty over the thoughts. And when somebody says "yeah, go on, do it" it removes the guilt - quite possibly by putting it onto somebody else.
I never asked anybody for permission to kill myself. It was my decision, and I discussed it with several friends off and on, who agreed it wasn't their place to talk me out of it, or try to stop me.
And when earlier this year, exiled from my family, I finally resolved to do it and started buying the kit, it was a sense of relief. Just the tediousness of a lengthy suicide note explaining exactly the circumstances that led to my decision and what I wanted to happen after.
It took a bitchslapping from my priest and my sister finally responding to my text after misplacing her mobile for two days to wrench me away. I'd say I was less than 24 hours from doing it at that moment in time.
On Monday I was approved for 18 months' worth of Mentalization Based Therapy, involving 52 one-on-one and group therapy sessions. With additional therapies running alongside should the MBT reveal additional underlying issues that need to be addressed.
On December 1st, a dear friend sat down with me in The Brink and reminded me what a wonderful guy I am, how I made her feel normal because we both had a perverted sense of humour. On December 4th I texted my bestie wishing her a happy birthday and she messaged me back saying I never failed to make her smile.
I started watching "The Secret" again - watching and rewatching, because it's not enough to understand something on an intellectual level; undoing literally decades of negative thinking and feeling patterns means constant exposure to positive vibrations. No matter how much your brain might complain of feeling bored and having heard it all before - that shit needs to sink into your heart - because it's not enough to understand it. You have to feel it.
So yes, I am very very glad I didn't top myself back in May. And despite a miserable November things are looking up for me.
Can anybody be fixed? I don't know.
Can anybody who is prepared to try be fixed? I don't know that either.
But I will say this: like the the National Lottery, your odds of success are infinitely improved if you actually try.
