Spen, sorry to hear you had a slip, but as others have mentioned, don't be so hard on yourself. You've gone on long sober stretches before so you can do it again.
Jm55, just reading your posts, I would say you're alcoholic mate. If, after taking the first drink, you lose the ability to control how much you consume, then no further diagnosis is needed. You're. one of us
Regarding AA and religiosity, I wouldn't say its fair to call it a religious fellowship. In my experience, the people in AA who overdo the God talk are generally a bit religiously freaky to begin with. That they happen to be alcoholics is just coincidence. Given AA has an open door policy, the religious nuts can't really be stopped from walking into the rooms and interpreting the literature from a religious standpoint. I'd also note that the literature goes to great lengths to stress that the organisation of AA is not aligned to any religious organisations whatsoever
That's the main distinction I generally tend to make for anyone considering AA. On one hand you have the fellowship, where people can come into rooms, drink coffee, and "share stuff". Then you have the actual AA program (and literature) which contain the instructions on how to WORK the steps of recovery. I would stress the point that the rooms are not designed to get you sober. They never were. Sitting in a room listening to strangers tell war stories and then reciprocating by boring them with your shite is not going to cure you or anyone of anything. That's probably the single biggest misconception about AA
The truth is that if you want AA to "work" for you, then you have to "work" the actual steps contained in the program. That's one of the first flags I plant with my sponsees. I don't really mind which AA group you go to nor do I care how often you go. I also don't care if you sit there in silence. All I'm interested in as your sponsor is getting you started on WORKING the program, which usually involves the following
1. Can you admit that when you take the first drink, you lose control over what you consume? if the answer is yes then step 1 is done
2. Can you concede that maybe the reason you've failed to stay sober in the past is because your recovery methods are wank? And are you willing to entertain the idea that if I managed to get sober by working the steps then perhaps it might work for you if you also WORK them? If you can give me 2 yes's there then that's step 2 chalked off
3. Can you stop being a control freak and worrying what others think/say about you? Can you park your ego, stop being a selfish c*nt, show some humility, and start owning your shit once and for all? If we have yes's there then that's step 3 done and dusted
And that's the essentially your beginning finished. On to step 4 we go. There's no need to spend weeks or even months complicating the diagnosis any further. If you actually follow the literature then steps 1 to 3 can be done in the space of an hour. That's why I despair when I see people over-complicating the fuck out of things or sponsors telling people to "take their time". The literature actually clearly warns against procrastination, mainly because as alcoholics, we're masters at ducking out of taking responsibility
Regarding step 4, that's generally the step where (if worked correctly and honestly) most people start to get well. Fuck talking about "triggers" or other arbitrary bollox. Just put a pen in your hand and start writing down all the bad shit that was done to you by others and all the bad shit you did in retaliation. Don't fuck around here. You don't need a week to do this. With a bit of honesty and earnest reflection you should be able to knock this out in a day or 2. When that's done, cough it all up to me so we can chalk off step 5.
For steps 6 and 7, the general gist is: can you see from step 4 that you're not really the unlucky victim you constantly paint yourself to be? Can you see you've been a bit of a c*nt at times yourself? Are you willing to own that fact and stop engaging in thinking that supports your delusions? Ok, great, here's a pat on the back for you. Now on to step 8 we go
For 8, just pull out your step 4 sheet, and make a list of all the people you hurt or fucked over. Again, don't fuck around here. You know who they are and you know what you did to them. When your list is done, man the fuck up, and go and apologise. It can be a text, an email, a phone call, a letter, a postcard, a gift of some sort. I don't really care what gesture you put forth as long as its done with a genuine intention to make reparations
I guarantee you that if you do that much truthfully, honestly, and intentionally, then the urge to drink will leave you. It's a promise that the literature makes, and one that I can attest is true. From there, steps 10, 11, and 12 will keep you sober. In short, all those steps ask is that when you find yourself acting the c*nt just acknowledge it, try to be a bit more zen, and use your experience of working the steps to help others. I.E become a sponsor yourself and give back. If you could pop into the odd meeting to offer some guidance then that'd also be great, but not obligatory
Anyone who tells you that this program is any more complicated than that, or that you need weeks or months to complete it is wrong. Not only are they wrong, they're in direct contradiction to what the AA literature actually says. In which case you're perfectly within your rights to swerve them. Me personally, I was so fucked and so resigned to the fact that this disease was going to kill me that my only wish was to survive long enough so that my parents wouldn't have to go through the heartache of burying me. Thankfully I met a sponsor who stopped tolerating my bullshit, put me through steps 1 to 9 in the space of a week, and I've never drank or felt the urge to drink since. Make of that what you will
You could say that "I came to believe" that the program works. Hope that helps
