Topic: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread

[John C]

Jim, my friend, my heart goes out to you mate. God knows what you're going through.

Sincere condolences x.

[Mumm-Ra]

Very sad news, sorry Jim. I hope whoever found him is OK as well 

Just spent a while reading back the last 10 pages of the thread, what a horrible impact this stuff has on people.

[Crosby Nick]

Very sorry to read that Jim. Hope you and your siblings are doing ok. Thoughts are with you all.

[FlashingBlade]

Well, it took him 7 and a half years after the last attempt (which broke the banisters) but this time he succeeded.

This morning, my father hanged himself after drinking three bottles of vodka and cutting his arms open.

He is out of his pain and his suffering.

As the eldest of his 3 offspring, it falls upon me to make arrangements.

The demon drink.

Carl, then Sean, then me da.

Don't know what else to say other than I've been there for some of youse over the years here - now it's my turn....

 

Wish you and your family all the strength mate.

[liversaint]

So sorry to hear that for you, awful news. Look after yourself and don’t be shy asking for help.

[nuts100]

Well, it took him 7 and a half years after the last attempt (which broke the banisters) but this time he succeeded.

This morning, my father hanged himself after drinking three bottles of vodka and cutting his arms open.

He is out of his pain and his suffering.

As the eldest of his 3 offspring, it falls upon me to make arrangements.

The demon drink.

Carl, then Sean, then me da.

Don't know what else to say other than I've been there for some of youse over the years here - now it's my turn....

 

Dear lord
I have no words, wish you and yours all the best

[...]

Sorry for your loss. We're all here for you. Things will get better.

[zero zero]

Deepest condolences to you and yours, Jim.

Take care

[Son of Spion]

Well, it took him 7 and a half years after the last attempt (which broke the banisters) but this time he succeeded.

This morning, my father hanged himself after drinking three bottles of vodka and cutting his arms open.

He is out of his pain and his suffering.

As the eldest of his 3 offspring, it falls upon me to make arrangements.

The demon drink.

Carl, then Sean, then me da.

Don't know what else to say other than I've been there for some of youse over the years here - now it's my turn....

 

Oh no, this is horrible. 

I'm so sorry to hear this tragic news.

There really are no words, mate.

You have many friends here. If/when you need support, I'm sure people will be more than willing.

Sincere condolences to you and all who knew and loved your father.

I rarely come into this thread, hence my slowness in responding.

 

[Angelius]

So sorry to hear that Jim, please take care of yourself and yours.

[Indomitable_Carp]

Well, it took him 7 and a half years after the last attempt (which broke the banisters) but this time he succeeded.

This morning, my father hanged himself after drinking three bottles of vodka and cutting his arms open.

He is out of his pain and his suffering.

An awful thing to go through mate. Condolences.

[spen71]

Fucking hell Jim.    So so sorry   Crying my eyes out as brings back so many memories   If you want to chat PM me

[Billy The Kid]

Terribly sorry for your loss Jim.

As someone who came close to the edge myself, I know the inner turmoil he must have been feeling

Alas, as you say, he is out of his pain and suffering now

If you need anything, or if I can be of help in any way, then feel free to drop us a PM

I think I speak for everyone when I say that we're all here if you need to talk

Mind yourself!

[Ray K]

So sorry to hear this awful news Jim.  I can't even imagine how horrendous this must all be for you and your family.

My deepest condolences and please take care of yourself in the days and weeks to come.

[flashman]

Sorry to hear about that. Take care.

[Ziltoid]

So sorry to hear this news.  Deepest condolences to you and your family.

Take care, YNWA

[Buck Pete]

Fucking Hell Jim. I'm so sorry for your loss mate.

My heartfelt condolences to you and yours.

[rafathegaffa83]

RIP. So sorry for your loss. YNWA

[24/7]

Thanks all. The last two days have been fuckin horrible. I keep imagining him in that state.

Those of you who know me well enough know I'm an empath - so I even feel what he felt. Two nights ago I couldn't sleep, I was consumed by a darkness so deep I couldn't see anything even with eyes wide open. When I got the call in the morning, that all made sense.

It comes in waves - I'm oscillating between rage, despair and cold detachment, none of which are emotionally healthy.

I'm so angry that he didn't even say goodbye - he just did it - almost spitefully, kinda, "Fuck youse all - I'm gonna do THIS.................*slice, slice, swing*.............."

But then the rational part of me says it wasn't like that. He was so deep in despair and hopelessness that he didn't have space to consider anyone else in that moment. I get that. But it still......fuckin......hurts........

51 years I tried to get close to my dad, 51 years I tried to establish an authentic and deep connection. It's so disappointing and upsetting that he was never up to the task - my father - the man who's meant to be a role model - failed at that. And yes, I judge him for it. Cos as I type this I'm angry. And confused.

I've had messages from people who knew him, saying how much of a difference he made to their lives, the former alcoholics he's helped, the homeless charity whose website he built, the amateur pensioner rockers he formed various bands with......and they all speak glowingly of a compassionate, empathetic, smart, intelligent, witty and loving man.

WHERE'S THAT FOR ME?!

So. Yeah. That hurts.

I'm about to board a plane (the rigmarole behind that is for another thread!!!) to come back to the UK for the first time in three years. I never thought it would be for this reason.

Thank you all for the messages - as some of you have predicted, my emotions are all over the place.

My partner has been amazing - she dropped everything two days ago to stay with me - to hold me when rage and grief kicked in, to support me when I couldn't lift a finger to do anything, to help keep my emotions in check when trying to navigate the mind-blowing fuckwittery behind the bureaucracy of travel in these times. I don't know what I'd do without her - yet she can't travel with me - so I feel very, very alone.......thankfully my longest-standing friends are at the other end of the flight - and at least in the UK you can hug again..........right? You can, can't you?? Have pretty much all the restrictions been lifted now....? What version is it today? I'll check the covid thread......anyway, Evelyn, you rock my world..... 

Now I have a funeral to plan

[reddebs]

Hug them all Jim 💞

[Billy The Kid]

The mixture of emotions is fully understandable Jim. Although I never knew him or met him, your Dad's passing has been playing on my mind quite a bit over the past 24 hours. It's strange in a way, isn't it? That a strangers passing would sadden me to that degree? I guess Alcoholism is weirdly unique in the sense that it ties those of us who suffer from it together. I suppose when you're acutely aware of the internal turmoil being felt by another human being then you can't help but feel a sense of connection to them. It's similar to soldiers who endure the trauma of war together. They don't need to know each other personally to know the score with each other

I know exactly what your father was feeling Jim. I might not be able to articulate it in words, but I know it and I know it all to painfully well. For that reason, I just wanted to offer the following to you:

As you go through the process of grieving your father, and as feelings of resentment and annoyance bubble up inside you, try as best you can to remember, that he was being tortured by a disease that he had no control over. Just like Carl, it may well be that he (through no fault of his own) just couldn't find a way out . I know that may sound tragic and is unlikely to console you in your hour of grief, but as far as the negative feelings inside you go, try not to let them consume you. Forgive the man, for his battle was one he stood little chance of winning

I'd like to think that even though this thread doesn't attract too many active participants, it still nevertheless attracts a lot of readers who can use what they read/learn in here to help others. It's for that reason I take a lot of consolation in knowing that Carls death was not in vain. Same with your father Jim. As tragic as his passing was, take consolation in the fact that his life and his struggles weren't for nothing. It all counted. It all meant something to someone somewhere. You may never know the people or ever get to meet them, but I assure you, a life that may have otherwise been lost will end up being spared because of this thread, this event, and this conversation. That's a fucking powerful thought. I know so Jim, because I was as good as dead until I came into this thread and was given hope by you sir

And so in memory of your father Jim, I'd like to say to anyone reading this thread, that should you have a friend or family member who suffers from this disease, and should they cause feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment within you, try as best you can to remember the following. (I assure you from personal experience that this is 100% true)

The very first step of AA reads "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable". Note if you will that it does not say "We admitted we drank too much", or "We admitted we struggled to control our drinking" or "We admitted we couldn't stick to our promises". The word "powerless" is used for a specific reason. The reason its used is because this disease is progressive. If left untreated, the alcoholic will eventually reach a point where he/she cannot stop even if they want to.

Those of you who followed this thread during Carl's latter years will recall that he continued to drink even when his doctors told him he was dying. The prospect of imminent death did absolutely nothing to deter him from putting alcohol in his body. Zero. Nada. Zilch. His condition had progressed to a point of complete and utter powerlessness. A truly horrific way to exit this world. In Jim's fathers case, it appears that the powerlessness became too much for his poor soul to bear. To anyone reading this thread, who up until now, was not aware why the term "powerless" is used in AA literature, I hope Carl's and Jim's father's passings have helped you gain a better understanding of  the true nature of this disease

God bless his soul Jim. I've no doubt his passing will stand to save someone, just like your kind words to me upon my first entry to this thread saved me!

[spen71]

Lovely words Billy

[24/7]

Billy mate I don't know what to say to that other than wow and thank you and yes, forgiveness....I have a pic about that somewhere which I shared with him last week.

Can't find it now - but here's the last one I sent him. Didn't work

[24/7]

Regarding forgiveness - this is the reality to which I know I need to hold on.

[AndyMuller]

Jim I've only just caught up with the thread and I am really sorry to hear about your loss mate.

RIP to your dad. Look after yourself mate.

[John C]

Superb post Billy mate. Very thoughtful buddy.

[John C]

Regarding forgiveness - this is the reality to which I know I need to hold on.

Jim, Red Berry posted this many years ago and I always thought it was an excellent line

[TepidT2O]

Spot on that…

[jillcwhomever]

Well, it took him 7 and a half years after the last attempt (which broke the banisters) but this time he succeeded.

This morning, my father hanged himself after drinking three bottles of vodka and cutting his arms open.

He is out of his pain and his suffering.

As the eldest of his 3 offspring, it falls upon me to make arrangements.

The demon drink.

Carl, then Sean, then me da.

Don't know what else to say other than I've been there for some of youse over the years here - now it's my turn....

 

Oh Jim, I'm so sorry for your loss this is awful. I am sending you my strength, hang in there. I've never had to suffer something like this, all I can say is I'm thinking about you. 

[24/7]

Thanks again all.

Worst week of my life, by far.

But I've just finished going through all the paperwork and admin........and I've arranged an event for Monday next.

I know none of you knew my dad (I barely did!!!!!!) but I've chosen a charity in Milton Keynes that supports young people struggling with depression and anxiety and other mental health conditions.

If anyone's feeling generous, stick a couple of quid in here and tell 'em you're from Red And White Kop?

https://donate.giveasyoulive.com/fundraising/philip-bale

Saying that I know none of you knew him, I realise that that might not be factually correct.......

My father's teaching career started in the early 70s in Halewood Grange as it was then known. He taught Spanish and French there until 1986 and became Head of Modern Languages at Stantonbury Campus in Milton Keynes, which has strong connections to the chosen charity.

It's very apt, I feel.

So now I have to go through all the possessions in the house........and walk up and down those stairs too many times......

I saw him the other day, by the way, in the mortuary. That was important. Difficult, very, very hard - but necessary.

[AndyInVA]

Well done on being the good son and doing the things you are supposed to do even though it is extremely hard and making it the best you can make it.

I really can't imagine how hard that must be. Your post makes you sound a bit lonely. I hope your siblings and wider family/friends are supporting you as best they can also.

[reddebs]

A very worthy charity Jim.

Take care of yourself mate and don't be afraid to ask for help or to offload if needed, your mental well-being is important too.

[TepidT2O]

Amazing choice of charity. Chucked a few quid in, would be nice that something good came out of this awful situation.

Keep strong Jim. We’re all thinking of you.

[24/7]

Well done on being the good son and doing the things you are supposed to do even though it is extremely hard and making it the best you can make it.

I really can't imagine how hard that must be. Your post makes you sound a bit lonely. I hope your siblings and wider family/friends are supporting you as best they can also.

They're not here. By the time I leave (Tuesday), I'll have been here two weeks and they'll still not have stepped on to a plane....

[24/7]

A very worthy charity Jim.

Take care of yourself mate and don't be afraid to ask for help or to offload if needed, your mental well-being is important too.

Amazing choice of charity. Chucked a few quid in, would be nice that something good came out of this awful situation.

Keep strong Jim. We’re all thinking of you.

You're awesome both of you thanks......very humbling that people I've never met will support a charity to remember a man they've never met. I fuckin love RAWK.......

[reddebs]

You're awesome both of you thanks......very humbling that people I've never met will support a charity to remember a man they've never met. I fuckin love RAWK.......

We're family mate we help each other ❤️

[24/7]

We're family mate we help each other ❤️

[reddebs]

😂😂😂 Apart from the accent I'd make a very good Peggy!

[TepidT2O]

Well you’ve got the hairstyle right yer bugger

[reddebs]

Thanks again all.

Worst week of my life, by far.

But I've just finished going through all the paperwork and admin........and I've arranged an event for Monday next.

I know none of you knew my dad (I barely did!!!!!!) but I've chosen a charity in Milton Keynes that supports young people struggling with depression and anxiety and other mental health conditions.

If anyone's feeling generous, stick a couple of quid in here and tell 'em you're from Red And White Kop?

https://donate.giveasyoulive.com/fundraising/philip-bale

Saying that I know none of you knew him, I realise that that might not be factually correct.......

My father's teaching career started in the early 70s in Halewood Grange as it was then known. He taught Spanish and French there until 1986 and became Head of Modern Languages at Stantonbury Campus in Milton Keynes, which has strong connections to the chosen charity.

It's very apt, I feel.

So now I have to go through all the possessions in the house........and walk up and down those stairs too many times......

I saw him the other day, by the way, in the mortuary. That was important. Difficult, very, very hard - but necessary.

Thinking of you today Jim 💔