Fucking Companies who use their employee's in adverts.
Get a fucking life you shower of sad snivelling twats.
You know the twats in your class at school , the ones that had fountain pens and couldn't raise their arm normaly to answer a question from sir but attempted to touch the classroom celing and often supported their tired outstretched arm with their other arm..sir..sir..sir..I know..sir. This is them but fucking grown up.
Autoglass c-unt on the radio.
" Hi I'm Gavin from Autoglass. Short of money ? The last thing you want to pay out for is a new windscreen "
Fucking spot on you dense fucking brummy cock sniffing twat. Believe me Gavin a windscreen is the last fucking thing on earth I would purchase from you, yer fucking bell-end. Infact I'd drive without a fucking windscreen before you cheery c-unts see any of my money you gang of jobsworth Birmingham bastards , and since when has mending a windscreen chip made you a technician , if I stick a plaster on a cut am I a doctor ? No I'm fucking not you fucking brown nosing , sponk gobbling mongs.
" If yow soy a chup on yah wundscroin den phown Urtowglass roight now and it wown't effect yow now climbs bownus eaver..it's fwee to wepair " ? Yow fookin loud uf spazzy twots yow are.
Autoglass Repair..Autoglass Replace ..Ohh frigging fuck off and die.
Fucking B&Q Advert Twats.
" This box of ceramic floor tiles are only £5.98..thats £5.98 a square yard..that's not a sale price..it's a B&Q price "
Ohh my cup overflows with fucking joy..tell the neighbours love.. fucking shout it from the rooftops everybody..it's not a sale price..it's a B&Q price..fucking whooppee I'm going for a big wank..only fucking £5.98 a square yard..this is too good to be true. For a moment I forgot all about my upcomming hemorrhoidectomy and the results from the hospital of my sample of bloody faeces. Fucking £5.98 a square fucking yard ! I'm as happy as a clam and beside myself with fucking joy , the sun is not going to set on this day. Next you'll tell me that maple affect laminate flooring is only £9.85 a square yard....no don't ..my heart can't take it..ohh fucking please stop..be still my fucking beating heart..Ohh my lord..laminate flooring...fucking hell..£9.85..you're robbing yourselves B&Q..this is too much of a good thing... you're too good to us all...stop I'm delerious. C-unts.
" Trevor B&Q - Here to help "
You'd fucking help me if you threw yourself under a bus and endured a long lingering death you boss eyed fucking insufferable gimp.
" Hi I'm Kevin at Asda. This week it's roll back , these tins of HP baked beans are only 27p..yes..that's roll back at Asda "
Any chance you could roll back into a dry dock you fucking droopy faced, simple, over chippy fucking gobshite.
Fucking Teenagers and Their Issues.
Who'd be a teenager today ? Anxiety , fretting , distressed , angst and worry , coming to terms with your sexuality , STD's.
Well let me tell you....Go and get fucked yer fucking gang of gormless , streak of piss, acne faced fucking goofy twats. Worry..fucking worry ? Try being a teenager in the 1940's and you'd have something to bastard worry about. Like fucking sleeping in your bed at night wondering if 600lb present dropped from a Heinkel will land on your roof or if you're lucky maybe spend the evening coughing up tuberculosis flem into a piss pot full to the brim of your grandads earlier stools and piss . Puts your fucking "worry" of only having 4GB iPod into perspective yer crater faced whinging c-unts.
" Ohhh my trainers are shit mum..they only cost £85.00 boo hooo "
Fucking Christ on a bike. Do you know what trainers kids had in 1940 ? Answer..they fucking never.. teens used to brush boot polish straight on their fucking feet and nail Blakeys in their heels you ungratefull , dimwitted , dense twats. Guess what was chic headwear in 1940 ? Go on..a Low Alpine hat..nope. A fucking nitted balaclava , balafuckinclava. Any idea what you would've got for Christmas ? Mountain bike , iPhone , laptop errr Nintendo Wii. No fucking chance..a chubby pink pig made from an old vest , or a doll made from 'old stockings if your family where afluent yer miserable moaning gobshites. Ohh and there was no fucking Asda turkey's. A lot of Christmas food was 'mock' (ie fake). Fucking turkey was made from marzipan , eggs did not exist and women would let you bum them for a piece of chewing gum ? So if you are ever fucking parked at the dinner table near me with a face like a smacked arse pushing your sprout around the plate I'll smash yer fucking head in with a pastry tin till your ears bleed you sour faced c-unts on a stick.
If you throng of slothful fucking cretins can manage for a moment to use your neck muscles and raise your mongy stroke faces upwards from your phone and pull yourself away from texting assorted fucking shite like " Lol. i wudnt shag her pmsl coz shes got dizease minge c u old mucker in der park 4 laffin lmao " and stop fucking grumbling about problems , obstacles and dilemas and have a look at what Audie Murphy dealt with before he was twenty years old. Audie Murphy was credited with destroying six tanks in addition to killing over 240 German soldiers and wounding and capturing many others. By the end of World War II he was a legend within the 3rd Infantry Division. His principal U.S. decorations included the Medal of Honour, Distinguished Service Cross, two Silver Stars, the Legion of Merit, two Bronze Stars with Valor device, and three Purple Hearts (all for genuine combat wounds). Murphy participated in campaigns in North Africa, Sicily, Italy, France and Germany, as denoted by his European African Middle Eastern Campaign Medal with one silver battle star (denoting five campaigns), four bronze battle stars, plus a bronze arrowhead representing his two amphibious assault landings at Sicily and southern France. During the French Campaign, Murphy was awarded two Presidential Citations, one from the 3rd Inf, Division, and one from the 15th Inf. Regiment during the Holtzwihr action . All this without an Ipod and a white belt , you c-unts.
" Ohhh mum...I don't like these sausages and will you iron my shirt mum , get me the brown sauce mum...I'm confused..I've got issues to deal with mum..Its horrible being a teenager "
FUCK THE FRIGGING FUCK RIGHT OFF.
" Yeah well , what about all the sex and that "
Sex an issue ? , is it fuck , you are not c-unting traumatised or devastated but mearly jammy bastards if your getting your end away so count yourself fucking lucky. First fanny I seen was Fanny fucking Craddock.
Johnnie Craddock - " If you follow my wifes recipie your doughnuts will also turn out just like Fanny's " Remember that one ?
And your porn taday is fucking crap , some fucking big hairy bloke with his arm elbow deep up a womans arse . ? What is up with you shower ? Anything wrong with a good old leg over and a gobble. Fucking weirdos.
" Boo hoo ( sniff ) I can't get a boyfiend ( sob ) I hate being a teenager (sniff ) "
Has it fucking dawned on you luv that perhaps it is because you've got a face like a dropped pie , the complexion of a mackerel , your as flat as a kippers dick and you stink of biscuits you fucking big fat, bellyaching spaz faced trout.
And don't start me off on ADHD , we've all had fucking attention deficit...errr whatever..anyway.
" Ohh I've had turmoil in my life me , remember 2006 when the baggage handlers went on strike and our flight was delayed, me and me mates missed the first night of our fortnight holiday in Aiyanappa , nearly forgot to pack my 3/4 kecks and thought I'd lost my phone charger too "
If I had my way I'd send the lot of you carping bastards into a labour camp then drop you 800ft underground in a cage and make you chip away at the coal face for 18hrs a day with a Thorntons toffee hammer and allow you one days holiday a year , a trip to Chester Zoo to watch the orangutans sniffing their fingers after they've picked their purple arse. You'd have some fucking issues then yer gang of Oxy10 faced , man bagged , white belt / skinny jean wearing , peacock barnet, fucking gay plimsole wearing, gell headed load of fucking twatting bastards. FUCK OFF.
I Want A Poo in Pauls House.
Fucking what the fucking fuck is this about ? Weirdo kid who wants to go round to visit his mate so he can have a stinking steaming fucking shite on his bog.
Knock Knock...Knock..Knock.
Weirdo - Hello Mrs Evans , is Paul in ?
Mum - One moment......( walks in the lounge and whispers ) Paul..it's the creepy kid again from up the road..tell him your dad's having a shite and he can't come in.
Paul - Umm hello..you ok ?
Weirdo - Errr.. yeah..alright mate..any chance I can have a shit on your bog ?
Paul - Sorry mate..me errr dad's having a dump , maybe some other time.
Weirdo - Well your dad must like having a shite in the dark because your bathroom light isn't on...is it ? ( gives him a Village of the Damned stare )
Paul - Ohh he errr..must have just finished ..
Weirdo - Yes..he must have..( another stare ) Tell your smelly father not to use all the Glade Touch n Fresh. ( stare )
Paul - Stop..stop..you're reading my mind..ahhh.
Weirdo - Allow me to crimp a length and it will stop ( stare )
Paul - I..I..can't..you have a perfectly usable toilet in your own house..stop it..please.
Weirdo - You know we do not have Glade Touch n Fresh..and I know that you know it too ( stare )
Paul - T.t.t..t..oilet..at top of..sss..tairs...first door...make it stop.
Weirdo - ( eyes return to normal colour , walks past Paul ) Thank you Paul.
Mum - Paul.. I fucking told you to tell that stinky c-unt to fuck off.
Paul - I....I can't..he reads my mind...he has to poo here mum..he has to.
Mum - Right..you're in bed tonight by 7.30. No tea for you and no SquareBob Spongepants either.
Paul - But mum..I...
Mum - Never mind I...stop that creepy bastard from shitting here and....
( Weirdo walks deliberately down the stairs , stops on the bottom tread and looks at a nervous mum and Paul in the lounge )
Weirdo - Thank you Paul...thank you Paul's mum. I have to say I have been baking that shite for yonks.. the relief was most pleasurable.. and I have no words to describe Glade Touch n Fresh..remarkable. Dinner tonight will consist of my favourite recipee..scotch eggs and prunes. We will meet again tomorrow. ( brief stare ) Ohh..I know you already know that..hahaha. ( Leaves )
Mum - Tell your dad he can come out now from under the bed.
This fucking advert is disturbing.
Firstly, what sinister Fritzelesque advertising exec bastard gave this the go ahead ?
Secondly , what pushy parent allows their son to act in a commercial where his one and only line is " I want a poo in Pauls house "
Thirdly , who the fuck is willing to gamble to have a shite in another house coupled with the certainty of appearing peculiar all for a fucking squirt of Glade Touch n Fresh.
Fourthly , believe it or not shite does fucking stink , no amount of air freshner can camouflage the stink of a decent shite.
Fifthly , some folk like me don't want to mask the stench of ones shit, I wouldn't say I'm proud of what has departed from my ring piece but gratified certainly, and also there is a little part of me that thinks it is wrong to mask the shitty stink although I am in favour of all men being armed with Lynx Bullet so they can squirt a particlarly pongy fanny they may encounter.
Sixthly , this fucking strange kid will get some grief in school even without homosexual parents and will grow up traumatised.
Seventhly , I'll put my mortgage on it that this biff of a kid will end up when he's an adult in Rampton being viewed by phychiatrists with clipboards through a two way mirror as he squats naked hunched in the corner rocking back and forth sat in his own shite murmering constantly..I want a poo in Pauls house..I want a poo in Pauls house. Occasionaly he will rise and deliberately shit his own kecks while pressing his index fingers at random places on the wall illusinating seeing Glade Touch n Fresh's.
Eighthly , in the next fucking cell will be the mongy looking kid from the X Box advert , the one where the camera has a close up of the c-unt and as the camera moves around her sweede , the back of her fucking head is missing and if that's not disturbing enough there's a fucking fairground were her fucking head was ?
Ninethly , if a pattern is formimg where people appearing in adverts end up in assylums it would be delightful to see " Diet Coke " Duffy in the next cell strapped to a bench twitching and cunvulsing as jump leads deliver 240v to her fucking massive forehead, ending with two strapping butch lezzers entering her cell and using a water cannon send the fucking moaning twat flying into a corner. " If I get..to Warwick Avenuuueee.." Turn on the water again.
Finaly and tenthly , how about a big fuck off Victorian assylum for all children in adverts. Every time I see a kid in an advert I have an urge to punch the cocky little fuckers square in their smug grids. Whats needed is a large dank and grey courtyard to contain them in and patrolled by adult advertisement actors. For example I'd have the Renault Meganne man..is that your car ? is that your car mister ? wow..is that your car ? He would be armed with a taser in case they get out of line or the Honey Monster with a cattle prod.. I'll tell you now you won't see the " Flash " kid running across the assylum kitchen floor caked in fucking mud after a game of footie. Poo'ey Paul can shit himself all he likes and the Frosties dancing bastard will be walking in circles screaming THEY'RE GREAT. The Sunny Delight kids would cold turkey running into walls while foaming at the mouth.
One hour of exercise every day where fights would break out between the Captain Birdseye fish finger crew and the Rice Crispie gang broken up by the warden who is the adult actor in the teacher training ads , the one where the Arsenal kid enters class and gives it the 3 -1 to Spurs teacher who should be sectioned and filled in anyway for having worst fucking haircut in Europe. Teacher grins in the advert and says " sit down. " I'd have booted him in the bollocks meself. Friction between members of the X Box 360 Half a Head Posse because one half a head member attacked another half a head member with a weapon made from a razor blade obtained from wardens Woods , Federer and Henry ( aka The Gillettes ) Josh who constantly sobs because dad can't find his fucking scooter would be kept in solitary. Good .
The advert children would attend a religious service every night conducted by a big fuck off 30ft Smash Robot operated by Cillit Bangs Barry Scott. Every night Barry stands inside the Smash Robot and uses levers to operate the robots gob. Each night Barry must select an advert kid to be sacrificied , punishment is a 4hr stare out competition with the Cadbury's dancing eyebrow kids.
Nescaffe Nespresso George fucking Clooney.
Gorgeous Bird flirting - " Hi you're so elegant and charming , are you George Clooney"
George - " Err no..you must be mistaken "
Fucking puff.
