It's very easy for me to not connect that behind these usernames are actual people. I know they are, but sometimes it almost feels everyone is just anonymous. I never felt that way with Carl. I don't know why.
I never met Carl in person, but in a strange kind of way, I always felt like I "knew him", if that makes sense? It's hard to describe or put in words why I felt that.
I think the fact that both of us share such similar feelings towards Carl is quite a testament to him. I'm also pretty sure that we aren't the only two. There are probably hundreds of other posters who would say the same thing. His sincerity was quite unique and endearing, wasn't it?. It was hard not to feel genuine affection for him, even after being on the receiving end of one of his tirades - as I was on more than one occasion
I'll be honest, Carl's passing has been playing on my mind quite a bit over the last 24 hours, mainly because this thread literally (and I mean literally) saved my life. I still remember the very first time I posted in here and I still remember the responses of support I got. They came from Jim, then Carl, then Paul, then Andy, then Tom and then Alex. Fucking hell, I'm almost welling up just thinking back on it.
That was around March 2011 if I recall correctly. I was pretty destitute and fucked up from alcohol back then, both mentally physically. Little did I know when I first entered this thread just how much of a positive impact it was about to have on my life. An impact that may have never happened had Carl not had the courage to start this thread in the first place.
Yet here we are, almost a decade later, Carl is dead, whilst I'm still alive and walking the earth. How's that for a tragic twist of fate? Sort of makes you wonder what the fuck life is all about? Doesn't it? It was him that technically saved me! So why the fuck am I still here? Why am I still walking around wasting oxygen while Carl has to bow out way before his time? That's what swirling around in my head at the minute and why Carl's passing is having such a sombre effect on me
Which brings me back around to something that I've shared in this thread on numerous occasions, and something that I'd like to respectfully reiterate now that Carl has passed on. Before I say it though, I just want to make it abundantly clear that I'm in no way trying to play the "I told you so" card. Nor do I wish to make anyone who has contributed to this thread feel regretful. That is absolutely not my intention whatsoever. What I'm about to say comes from the bottom of my heart and is offered with genuine sincerity. Here it is:
About 4 years ago, I was sitting in my kitchen reading this thread. I don't want to go into too much detail recounting or describing the direction the discussion was beginning to go in, but let's just say that my concern for Carl had been piqued due to the fact that some contributors seemed to be:
A) Downplaying the seriousness of his situation
B) Offering him advice without fully understanding the cunningness of alcoholism
Again, just let me say that I'm in no way trying to make anyone feel remorseful or feel that their contributions to this thread were unwelcomed, misplaced or ill-advised. That is NOT my intention so please don't construe it as so. The point I'd like to respectfully put across is this:
Alcoholism is a seriously dangerous addiction. I can't even begin to explain just how cunning it can be and how adept it is at pouncing on bad advice and convincing the addict to continue indulging. The mind of an alcoholic is radically different to the mind of someone who isn't a problem drinker. The thinking processes are like chalk and cheese
Therefore (and I mean this with the greatest of respect) I think it's prudent for anyone wishing to offer advice to an alcoholic to ensure that they have a proper understanding of the severity of the disease before they lend their input. Ill-informed advice (although well intentioned and offered with sincerity) can have drastic consequences. In some cases, even fatal consequences. Again, before I end the post, I just want to reaffirm that what I'm saying here comes from the bottom of my heart and is not aimed at anyone in particular. Nor is it it a lecture in anyway shape or form
Billy