I was sort of dreading going back here, you know.
I had seen one reply on my post and it scared me a bit.
When you read about somebody else losing there wife to drink, jesus, I felt like a little cry baby (with my "small" problems).
That is why I did not react sooner, I had to think about, well, this post.
Some answers 1st then:
I live in Den Haag in The Netherlands.
When I grew up it was sort of a nice place.
Politics where quite tolerable, the law was fairly easy, compared to now.
I grew up with my mum as an only child, I've only met my father once or twice when I was about 3 or 4.
Not "having" a dad never bothered me much.
What I did hate was the way my mother was treated by others because she had me.
My mother came from a rather strict Christian background, so getting a child in 1970 without being married was a real no-no.
...
Oh fuck, I feel like I'm on the couch now !
I don't know if this is a good idea ...
Anyway, I said A so I have to say B now ...
The reason why I drink.
Of course I have my regrets about mistakes I've made, chances I blew and all that.
But chose things are no reason to drink for me.
When I grew up we used to go to my aunt and uncles house quite often.
They where sort of liberal, for Christians anyway.
They used to have these big parties with lost of people there.
I used to love that as a kid.
Hearing the noise of people talking without hearing what they where on about.
The sound, the smell of cigarettes and the drinks.
I drank my first beer there when I was about, 6 I guess.
The drinks were in the back room so nobody really noticed me drinking.
I used to steal cigarettes there too when I was a little older.
I've always loved alcohol.
I love the feeling, especially the first sort of "getting there" feeling.
Floating off a little, yeah, I love that.
We used to play outside where I lived when I grew up.
My main thing was nicking bottles of beer out of crates from peoples garden.
I remember some of my friends doing the same thing, and then bringing the bottles to me, because they didn't like beer themselves !
I used to climb in a big tree with a couple of bottles in my pocket and drinking them up there.
You know, the stupid thing, looking back, is that a lot of grown ups found it quite funny to see me drinking.
It was always looked upon as sort of naughty, rather then something evil.
Like your son has hit some other kid and saying "you shouldn't", but in your heart you feel a little proud.*
When I was about 18 I started using heavy drugs too.
I'd been smoking cannabis since I was about 14.
That was quite normal in Den Haag.
At that time I was into aggressive Rock n Roll and I used to run with the FC Den Haag hooligans.
Most of the kids I knew were smoking.
When I turned 19 I found out I had to stop using smack.
I could not afford it and didn't want to go into junkie life.
Then I REALLY started drinking.
And now I'm here.
The only explanation I've got for my drinking behaviour is an almost childlike desire to always have fun.
At this very moment I'm looking at the clock.
Still a bit early ...
Having said that, about fun and all, it's not so much fun anymore.
It has become a lifestyle.
It's like I'm addicted not just to the drink but also to the going out,
listening to stories you've heard 100 times before,
complaining about the weather and politics,
talking about what kind of stupid thing Suarez has done now,
you know, all those recurring bullshit topics ...
It used to be about having fun, drinking with your mates.
We used to have a bar that played my kind of music, but that's all gone.
Europe has even forced us to stand outside to have a cigarette now.
No, it's not fun anymore.
But still, I need my walk ...
I did this post as I went, so maybe (probably) it's a bit difficult to read.
I have not drank alcohol since Friday 12th now and I don't want to start today.
But it's a fucking struggle, every day again.
(Not so much in the weekend, my wife is home then and I like to stay in then.
Although I used to go out to watch the football too, some times.)
I'm not saying I'm quitting, I mean, I love to drink.
But at least I want to get my health up a bit before go off to America next month.
Thanks for all your posts !
It means a lot to me !
