Ok chaps, after much reflection, I now know what caused me to fuck up. I now know why I lapsed. Its quiet obvious to me now that I've got my head straight again. That can be one of the biggest drawbacks of addiction I guess. You know? Regaining clarity? Sometimes you just have to wait for the cobwebs to clear. No matter how hard you try to analyze things in the immediate wake of a lapse, you wont really find the answer until you get your head straight again. That's kind of where I've been for the past week and why I've waited until now to share in detail. I had to wait for the little light bulb in my head to go ding. And now I know.
In order to explain the reason for my lapse, I think it may be prudent to firstly explain my "higher power", what I perceive it to be, and how I use it to "hand over my addiction" on a daily basis. Because you see, I don't really subscribe to the whole God thing. I'm not really religious. I don't pray to an entity in the sky that I can't see, touch, feel, or experience. To me that's a futile exercise in pissing well and truly into the wind. No ones going to fucking answer, let alone help you.
But what I do believe in wholeheartedly is the universal law of attraction. Some of you may be familiar with that, some of you may not. If anyone would like me to explain it more then feel free to ask. And the reason I believe in it is because I can see it. I can touch it. I can experience it, and I can live it. Its not absent in appearance in the way that god is. My higher power is knowing that if I focus my energy on achieving the things that I know I'm capable of, then the universe will open the doors for me to succeed. And its the truth. It has worked for me. As I said, I've touched it, felt it, and experienced it. So I know its real. I know it works. When I focus on those things then the universe takes control of my addiction and steers me clear of it.
Where I fucked up was, I began allowing myself to slip into a mindset where I began focusing on negative things and blowing them way out of proportion. You see, universal law states that what you focus on becomes bigger. It becomes more abundant. But if the center of that focus is something negative, then you're fucked. You're outer world is merely a printout of your inner world. And if the inner world isn't in good working order, then its only a matter of time before your outer world bears the brunt of that destructive thinking.
I spent 4,000 dollars to pay an immigration attorney to help me sort my visa out. Fucking money hungry bastard I thought. My missus nagged at me over the number of hours I work. Needy fucking c*nt I thought. Then I found out that I cant go home for my mates wedding while my visa extension is pending. What stupid fucking knob head came up with that dumb fuck law I thought. Throw in the fact that I know my Dad is having his ups and downs back home, a couple of silly things like parking tickets, (innocuous I know, but its fuel on an already raging fire) and bang, before you know it, I'm in so much of a negative mindset that I'm cursing at everyone in work and turning the atmosphere sour there too. As I said, the outer world is a print out of the inner. The only place I was heading for was the bottom of the bottle
That's where I fucked up. I forgot what my higher power was and the steps that I need to take to ensure that it keeps me on the straight and narrow. The truth is, that despite the hefty bill, my attorney has been very good to me and has battled my case for me brilliantly. My missus wasn't being a needy c*nt either. She was just worried about me because I was diagnosed with mild exhaustion recently. She just wanted me to rest up a little. As for my mates wedding, he's totally understanding of why I can't be there. He even urged me to stay where I am and keep doing what I'm doing. No animosity from him at all. I fucked up by choosing to look at those things in a negative light when the weren't. I almost conjured the negativity in some ways. There was really only one result once I let that happen
So that's it. I forgot my higher power and the ways in which I adhere to it. I dropped my guard and let myself slip into negative modes of thinking. That's where I fucked up. I'm ok now though. The cobwebs are gone now and I can see with clarity again. Its back to the basics. One day at a time. Hand the dirty little c*nt of an addict over to universal law every morning. Let the law take care of it for me. Because as sure as night turns into day, if I let myself try to take care of it, you can be rest assured I'd balls it all up again no end. I mean, what other fucking outcome would you expect? I'm an alcoholic like, aren't I?
