Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny  (Read 771693 times)

Offline Salty Dog

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #280 on: September 13, 2016, 09:48:09 pm »
Not sure if this will be lost in translation, but let's give it a go

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it
It's like all punishments though, isn't it. You just have to close your eyes, grit your teeth and think of England. - Yorkykopite

Offline Medellin

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #281 on: September 15, 2016, 12:34:22 pm »
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty pounds," she says.
He's never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2016, 03:13:25 pm by Medellin »
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Offline The Bournemouth Red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #282 on: September 23, 2016, 10:50:35 am »
I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

All it does is gather dust.
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Offline Mr Mingebag Squid

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #283 on: September 23, 2016, 04:40:26 pm »
I was shopping late one night at the grocery store looking for nothing in particular. I thought I was the only customer there, but walking past the cleaning aisle I was shocked to see an absolutely stunning, attractive brunette. I went up and down the aisles aimlessly, but could not get her out of my thoughts. My path uncoincidentally led back to the cleaning aisle. When I got there she was standing, seemingly waiting. Out of curiosity I walked up to her and asked "What are you doing just standing here?". She looked around for a bit and sighed, then said "Listen...I will sleep with you if you help me promote this cleaning product." Absolutely appalled at the thought, and even angry, I said "Good luck with that" and walked away. I thought as I left "how could someone as attractive as her have such low morals." I'm no saint, but I was proud to claim I have stronger morals than that. ALMOST as strong as the power of Ajax dishwashing detergent, now in lemon and orange scented capsules! Twice the cleaning power of any other brand names.

Either I don't get it or it's shit.
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Offline Samie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #284 on: September 23, 2016, 04:42:00 pm »
Jose Mourinho.

Offline mikeb58

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #285 on: September 23, 2016, 05:39:06 pm »
King Arthur and his mate walked into a Hotel and asked for a room for 2 Knights.
Hillsborough...Our Greatest Victory (out now)

Offline BRdispatch05

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #286 on: September 23, 2016, 06:51:12 pm »
Either I don't get it or it's shit.
How do you interpret the punchline?
Quote
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Offline Spanish Al

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #287 on: September 23, 2016, 09:04:55 pm »
Either I don't get it or it's shit.

He's advertising the cleaning product in the last sentence.

Psssst. He actually did have sex with the attractive brunette and has no morals at all.

And yes, it was shit. ;D
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Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #288 on: September 24, 2016, 01:59:26 am »
:)
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline BRdispatch05

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #289 on: September 25, 2016, 10:56:26 pm »
He's advertising the cleaning product in the last sentence.

Psssst. He actually did have sex with the attractive brunette and has no morals at all.

And yes, it was shit. ;D
Then I'm glad I stayed on track with the threads motive :)
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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #290 on: September 26, 2016, 06:54:30 am »
Terrible morning.

Started counting in French and threw up everywhere.

Bloody huit allergy.
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“Generosity always pays off. Generosity in your effort, in your work, in your kindness, in the way you look after people and take care of people. In the long run, if you are generous with a heart, and with humanity, it always pays off.”
W

Offline stavros

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #291 on: September 29, 2016, 09:05:48 am »
My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. So last night I decided to try anal.

I must have been good as She kept yelling 9 over and over.

Offline Brian Blessed

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #292 on: September 29, 2016, 01:18:50 pm »
Did you register here purely to post bad jokes? You're the Tim Whatley of RAWK.
Anyone else being strangely drawn to Dion Dublin's nipples?

Offline NotBeenInAigburthSince2008

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #293 on: September 29, 2016, 04:31:46 pm »
What has 6 legs and 2 heads?

Nirvana

(I think enough time has passed)

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #294 on: September 29, 2016, 04:38:55 pm »
What has 6 legs and 2 heads?

Nirvana

(I think enough time has passed)

What has 4 legs and 2 heads?

Nirvana, because Kurt Cobain was cremated.

Offline The Bournemouth Red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #295 on: October 3, 2016, 08:54:22 am »
How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

Poker face
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Offline NotBeenInAigburthSince2008

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #296 on: October 3, 2016, 09:37:07 am »
What has 4 legs and 2 heads?

Nirvana, because Kurt Cobain was cremated.

Oooooooh tough crowd in today

Offline Medellin

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #297 on: December 5, 2016, 08:25:51 pm »
You can determine the sex of an ant by placing it in water.
If it sinks=Girl ant.
If it floats=Boy ant.
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Offline Oscarmac

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #298 on: December 5, 2016, 08:59:42 pm »
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are so good at it.
They are only great because we are on our knees......let us arise!

Offline Rysoph76

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #299 on: December 7, 2016, 02:09:54 pm »
What do you get if you cross a football manager with some wooden blocks?

Arsene Jenga

I'll get my coat
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Offline zero zero

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #300 on: December 7, 2016, 02:13:55 pm »
Guy walks up to me in a pub and called me a "c*nt".
Believeable. Had he read your posts?

Offline the good half

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #301 on: December 7, 2016, 02:40:17 pm »
What do you get if you cross a football manager with some wooden blocks?

Arsene Jenga

I'll get my coat
That would have created a wee chuckle had you not added 'I'll get my coat'.

Offline Salger

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #302 on: December 7, 2016, 02:53:25 pm »
Why did the monkey get lost?

Jungle is massive.
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Offline Salger

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #303 on: December 7, 2016, 02:54:01 pm »
Why were NWA upset at Christmas?

Because Santa forgot about Dre.
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Offline classycarra

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #304 on: December 7, 2016, 03:30:50 pm »
Believeable. Had he read your posts?


 ::) ;D

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #305 on: December 7, 2016, 03:54:00 pm »
What has an elephant and a gooseberry got in common?

Neither of them can drive a tractor.
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Online oldfordie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #306 on: December 7, 2016, 04:28:20 pm »
A few..

Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won’t expect it back.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

:lmao
Thats my Christmas party joke list sorted, ta
You can tell his dad was a toolmaker. That’s an impressive cabinet he’s put together..

Offline Mumm-Ra

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #307 on: December 7, 2016, 04:35:16 pm »
My son (aged 10) asked me yesterday:

What do you call a tree, that's full of meat, that is good at taking free-kicks?


Da meat-tree Payet


Offline LiverLuke

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #308 on: December 7, 2016, 11:20:22 pm »
 A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #309 on: December 7, 2016, 11:22:59 pm »
My 8 year old came home with one from school today.

What's invisible and smells of bananas?
Monkey burps

Offline blert596

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #310 on: December 7, 2016, 11:23:39 pm »
Just had a conversation with a guy with a stutter. He was telling me he was going round to his nans. Ended up singing the whole of Hey Jude.
All the badge kissing in the world don't make up for the fact that they are, frankly, not Liverpool Football Club. It's not their fault. Its just how it is.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #311 on: December 7, 2016, 11:41:41 pm »
Just had a conversation with a guy with a stutter. He was telling me he was going round to his nans. Ended up singing the whole of Hey Jude.

Even the non 'na na na naaaa' bits?

Offline Rysoph76

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #312 on: December 8, 2016, 10:41:24 am »
Sally Potato comes home to her plush, upper class potato home and tells her mum she has exciting news.

'Mum, I have got a new boyfriend'

'Oh, that's lovely dear, do I know him?' says Mrs Potato

'Yes, he is on the tv, his name is Clive Tyldesley'

Mrs Potato looks sad. 'What's wrong?' says Sally

'Well me and Mr Potato spent lots of money to send you to the best school and give you the finest things a potato can have and you end up going out with a commentator!!' says Mrs Potato
« Last Edit: December 8, 2016, 11:22:33 am by Rysoph76 »
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Offline Elzar

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #313 on: December 8, 2016, 11:00:17 am »
Sally Potato comes home to her plush, upper class potato home and tells her mum she has exciting news.

'Mum, I have got a new boyfriend'

'Oh, that's lovely dear, do I know him?' says Mrs Potato

'Yes, he is on the tv, his name is Clive Tyldesley'

Mrs Potato looks sad. 'What's wrong says Sally?'

'Well me and Mr Potato spent lots of money to send you to the best school and give you the finest things a potato can have and you end up going out with a commentator!!' says Mrs Potato

 :champ :champ :champ :champ
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Offline Groundskeeper Willie

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #314 on: December 9, 2016, 11:34:38 pm »
Genie: What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
Love Ren & Stimpy

Offline ToneLa

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #315 on: December 24, 2016, 10:00:21 pm »
Made this one up myself, it's why I'm so lonely, single and obscure.

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
DOORBELL REPAIR MAN

Offline Brian Blessed

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #316 on: January 10, 2017, 04:20:03 pm »
100 catholic priests die in a plane crash.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter says, "any of you involved in pedophilia can turn around and go to hell."

99 priests turn around and started walking off.

"And take the deaf c*nt with you, too."
Anyone else being strangely drawn to Dion Dublin's nipples?

Offline liversaint

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #317 on: January 11, 2017, 06:10:36 pm »
 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'  'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
You say Honey? I say Fuck off.

You dont win friends with Salad

There is another option. Mr Ferguson organises the fixtures in his office and sends it to us and everyone will know and cannot complain. That is simple.

Offline the good half

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #318 on: January 11, 2017, 08:08:27 pm »
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why did the boy have to Irish in your joke?
Or the priest for that matter.
Or indeed the man.


Are you 5 and is it the 70's?
« Last Edit: January 12, 2017, 07:36:12 am by the good half »

Offline Ziltoid

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #319 on: January 11, 2017, 10:23:44 pm »
Genie: What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

This cracks me up every time