Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 680937 times)

Redwhiteandnotblue · « **Reply #4320 on:** March 22, 2020, 08:54:55 pm »

I switched all the chocolates to the wrong wrappers in a box of Celebrations last week. My wife was fuming when she found out, but I said "There's no need to get your Snickers in a Twix".

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #4321 on:** March 22, 2020, 09:27:47 pm »

Quote from: Redwhiteandnotblue on March 22, 2020, 08:54:55 pm

I switched all the chocolates to the wrong wrappers in a box of Celebrations last week. My wife was fuming when she found out, but I said "There's no need to get your Snickers in a Twix".

Quality

24/7 · « **Reply #4322 on:** March 22, 2020, 09:33:45 pm »

Quote from: Tesco tearaway on March 22, 2020, 09:27:47 pm

Quality

Street?

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #4323 on:** March 22, 2020, 09:39:41 pm »

Quote from: 24/50 geek! on March 22, 2020, 09:33:45 pm

Street?

Of course

M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing) · « **Reply #4324 on:** March 23, 2020, 08:33:24 am »

Teacher - "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it?"

Susan - " My sister had measles. The doctor said it's contagious".

Jane - "School is closing because corona virus is contagious".

Johnny - "My neighbour started cutting his grass with a push mower. My dad said that'll take the contagious"

dudleyred · « **Reply #4325 on:** March 23, 2020, 08:45:54 am »

Quote from: MBE on March 23, 2020, 08:33:24 am

Teacher - "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it?"

Susan - " My sister had measles. The doctor said it's contagious".

Jane - "School is closing because corona virus is contagious".

Johnny - "My neighbour started cutting his grass with a push mower. My dad said that'll take the contagious"

Ziltoid · « **Reply #4326 on:** March 23, 2020, 08:52:43 am »

Someone told me that crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet

Strange because I've only ever seen them with 4

jason67 · « **Reply #4327 on:** March 23, 2020, 08:54:51 am »

Quote from: MBE on March 23, 2020, 08:33:24 am

Teacher - "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it?"

Susan - " My sister had measles. The doctor said it's contagious".

Jane - "School is closing because corona virus is contagious".

Johnny - "My neighbour started cutting his grass with a push mower. My dad said that'll take the contagious"

Really good that.

Medellin · « **Reply #4328 on:** March 23, 2020, 09:31:22 am »

Can someone please check in on Mark Knopfler..

Apparent he's in dire straits.

I accidentally gave my wife a gluestick instead of a chapstick..

She still isn't speaking to me.

liverbloke · « **Reply #4329 on:** March 23, 2020, 10:47:12 am »

Quote from: MBE on March 23, 2020, 08:33:24 am

Teacher - "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it?"

Susan - " My sister had measles. The doctor said it's contagious".

Jane - "School is closing because corona virus is contagious".

Johnny - "My neighbour started cutting his grass with a push mower. My dad said that'll take the contagious"

Took me a few reads to get that

Medellin · « **Reply #4330 on:** March 23, 2020, 11:50:15 am »

Quote from: liverbloke on March 23, 2020, 10:47:12 am

Took me a few reads to get that

A different version of Stan Boardman's joke..probably better.

3mins 40secs.

<a href="https://youtube.com/v/yISL0YTHFRI" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" class="bbc_link bbc_flash_disabled new_win">https://youtube.com/v/yISL0YTHFRI</a>

Love some of the arl comedians..

Eddie Flannagan..love this.

<a href="https://youtube.com/v/ZELmBf3P1xc" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" class="bbc_link bbc_flash_disabled new_win">https://youtube.com/v/ZELmBf3P1xc</a>

sinnermichael · « **Reply #4331 on:** March 23, 2020, 01:03:45 pm »

Just moved my stash of gin and vodka into the loft. I'm trying to keep my spirits up.

M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing) · « **Reply #4332 on:** March 23, 2020, 01:42:25 pm »

Played a bit of footie last night-
Won 3-0 on sand but then lost 2-0 on gravel. Overall 3-2 on aggregate.

soxfan · « **Reply #4333 on:** March 23, 2020, 02:18:07 pm »

(Male doctor, male patient and female nurse in Covid-19 ward)

Patient: Doc, what are my chances?

Nurse: Take your pill, please.

Dr: Well, it's a bit iffy at this point.

Patient: Why's that?

Nurse: Did you hear me? Take your pill! And roll up your sleeve so I can take your BP.

Dr: Your condition is moderate. We just don't know yet.

Nurse: Are you listening to me? How many times do I have to tell you? TAKE YOUR PILL!

Patient: Doc, level with me!

Dr: If you want me to be completely honest, the odds are against you.

Nurse: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Yesterday I asked you five times to use the bedpan! You never listen to me! TAKE YOUR DAMN PILL!!

Patient: Why?!?

Dr: Well, statistics are saying that men are twice as likely to stress out & die in this ward as women. We don't know why.

Nurse: IF I HAVE TO COME IN HERE ONE MORE TIME...

Dr: It's a mystery.

liverbloke · « **Reply #4334 on:** March 23, 2020, 02:20:46 pm »

Quote from: Medellin on March 23, 2020, 11:50:15 am

A different version of Stan Boardman's joke..probably better.

3mins 40secs.
..

Cheers mate

My mum's sister Violet Russ came over before and she's made me immune to the coronavirus.

Yes...drum roll...she is indeed...drum roll... my Auntie Vi Russ

I take my bow and leave the stage to a cacophony of applause and respect and appreciation.

Fitzy. · « **Reply #4335 on:** March 23, 2020, 02:36:04 pm »

Man goes into pet shop.

“Can I have a wasp please?”

“No. We don’t sell wasps”

“That’s strange - I’ve just seen one in the window”

24/7 · « **Reply #4336 on:** March 23, 2020, 02:51:46 pm »

Quote from: liverbloke on March 23, 2020, 02:20:46 pm

Cheers mate

My mum's sister Violet Russ came over before and she's made me immune to the coronavirus.

Yes...drum roll...she is indeed...drum roll... my Auntie Vi Russ

I take my bow and leave the stage to a cacophony of applause and respect and appreciation.

You managed to squeeze blood out of a stone there, fair play

liverbloke · « **Reply #4337 on:** March 23, 2020, 05:45:33 pm »

Quote from: 24/50 geek! on March 23, 2020, 02:51:46 pm

You managed to squeeze blood out of a stone there, fair play

I'll take that ta

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #4338 on:** March 23, 2020, 05:53:07 pm »

If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the subject “ding dong” don't open it, they're Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

TepidT2O · « **Reply #4339 on:** March 23, 2020, 07:00:17 pm »

Sir Capon of Debaser · « **Reply #4340 on:** March 23, 2020, 07:14:55 pm »

Quote from: Tepid T₂O on March 23, 2020, 07:00:17 pm

Medellin · « **Reply #4341 on:** March 23, 2020, 07:51:23 pm »

We are a 2 days into self isolation and it's really upsetting me to witness my missus standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
It breaks my heart to see her like this.
I've thought very hard of how I can cheer her up.
I've even considered letting her come in but rules are rules.

afc tukrish · « **Reply #4342 on:** March 23, 2020, 08:36:35 pm »

Quote from: Tepid T₂O on March 23, 2020, 07:00:17 pm

Brilliant...

soxfan · « **Reply #4343 on:** March 23, 2020, 09:08:58 pm »

Quote from: Tepid T₂O on March 23, 2020, 07:00:17 pm

Two priests and a few choir boys are in a small plane when the pilot has a heart attack and dies.

One priest turns to the other and says "We're going to have to jump! There's only two parachutes! You take one, I'll take the other!"

The second priest says "What about the children?"

The first priest says "Screw the children!"

The second priest says "Do you think we have time?"

24/7 · « **Reply #4344 on:** March 23, 2020, 09:17:40 pm »

Quote from: soxfan on March 23, 2020, 09:08:58 pm

Two priests and a few choir boys are in a small plane when the pilot has a heart attack and dies.

One priest turns to the other and says "We're going to have to jump! There's only two parachutes! You take one, I'll take the other!"

The second priest says "What about the children?"

The first priest says "Screw the children!"

The second priest says "Do you think we have time?"

Daaaaaaark

Chakan · « **Reply #4345 on:** March 23, 2020, 09:18:53 pm »

Quote from: 24/50 geek! on March 23, 2020, 09:17:40 pm

Daaaaaaark

And yet accurate...

Samie · « **Reply #4346 on:** March 23, 2020, 09:39:44 pm »

I have a joke:

So we're in Lockdown.

24/7 · « **Reply #4347 on:** March 23, 2020, 09:42:32 pm »

Quote from: Samie on March 23, 2020, 09:39:44 pm

I have a joke:

So we're in Lockdown.

Do we get the punchline in three weeks' time?

Samie · « **Reply #4348 on:** March 23, 2020, 09:43:19 pm »

Maybe...if not longer.

The Bournemouth Red · « **Reply #4349 on:** March 24, 2020, 07:27:41 am »

This social distancing is really hitting home.

I saw people in the shops panic buying barge poles and shitty sticks.

liversaint · « **Reply #4350 on:** March 24, 2020, 09:40:50 am »

Little Jenny was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually, she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,

"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"

When Jenny didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted little Jenny and the teacher said, "Very good" and she fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Jenny,

"Who is our Lord and Saviour,"

But Jenny didn't even stir. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck the pin in her. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Jenny and the teacher said, "very good," and off she nodded again.

Then the teacher asked Jenny a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time jenny jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

soxfan · « **Reply #4351 on:** March 24, 2020, 11:28:52 am »

Nice ^^^

Little Johnny peeks through the keyhole of his parents’ bedroom one night. He stares for a minute and then, thoroughly disgusted, shakes his head, “And these people tell me I shouldn’t pick my nose?!”

---

I asked little Johnny, 'What would you like for your birthday?'

He said, 'Tampons please.'

I said, 'Tampons!? Why do you want tampons for your birthday!?'

He replied, 'I saw a great TV ad. With a tampon you can go swimming, biking and skiing.'

sinnermichael · « **Reply #4352 on:** March 24, 2020, 11:46:18 am »

Just asked my girlfriend to put her nurses outfit on.

She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"

I said "no we need some bread and milk".

liverbloke · « **Reply #4353 on:** March 24, 2020, 12:25:02 pm »

^

The police have issued a statement that there was a massive spill of tons of wet cement on the A6 and a group of men came along and stole the whole lot.

They think they are dealing with hardened criminals.

soxfan · « **Reply #4354 on:** March 25, 2020, 12:23:54 pm »

Coronavirus advice from a dog.

https://www.instagram.com/tv/B99yUa4JfTK/

Sudden Death Draft Loser · « **Reply #4355 on:** March 25, 2020, 04:18:54 pm »

Day 4 of social distancing

Struck up a conversation with a spider today

Seems nice.

He's a web designer

Gaz123456 · « **Reply #4356 on:** March 26, 2020, 08:35:03 am »

Prince Charles, you'll never get a better chance - go around to your Mum's and see if she needs any shopping.

LanceLink!!!!! · « **Reply #4357 on:** March 26, 2020, 08:38:26 am »

Prince Charles isolating at Balmoral with Covid 19

Prince Andrew isolating at Windsor Castle with Jenny, 14

Medellin · « **Reply #4358 on:** March 26, 2020, 10:14:23 am »

liversaint · « **Reply #4359 on:** March 26, 2020, 01:31:48 pm »

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

The third got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.