Author Topic: Funny things your kids (or kids around you) say. (Read 37542 times)

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #200 on:** October 25, 2014, 12:18:45 am »

Me and the three year-old.

Daddy, I don't have a dollar in my piggy bank, can I have one?

If you do chores Zara, you can earn a dollar.

I don't want to earn a dollar, I just want one.

Damn Muricans.

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #201 on:** October 25, 2014, 12:37:23 am »

JohnnoWhite · « **Reply #202 on:** October 25, 2014, 06:04:45 am »

One of my grandson's when he was around 6 (I have quite a few!) was badly bitten on his hand by a stray cat - and this after having fed it! He was taken to casualty and they cleaned it up but didn't give any injection against recurring infection. Well 2 days later, it happened and his hand swelled up. Back into hospital there had been talk of needing an operation on his hand etc, so when we went to see him and his mother, he was waiting for the doctor to come and tell his mum if an operation would be necessary.

Just then a nurse came to take some information. So she said to Seb - who's always been a very literal person - "So Seb, where did this cat bite you?" (which truth be told really was a bollux of a question as he had a bandage clearly visible on his hand!)

Seb looking puzzled, thought for a moment and with a look of measured seriousness on his mush spoke the never-to-be-forgotten words "In my front garden."

Manila Vanilla · « **Reply #203 on:** October 25, 2014, 07:27:38 am »

My nephew (6 at the time)
"Mum, what does Fuck up mean?"
My sister (keeping her cool), "Where did you hear that, Tom?"
"I saw it on television".
Sister looks at watch. Saturday, 5pm - well before the watershed. She goes to look at TV.
On the screen it says " F A Cup......."

AndyInVA · « **Reply #204 on:** November 19, 2014, 07:04:35 pm »

my 5 year old girl says she wants a Barbie Dream House for Christmas

I say, Im sorry but thats a really expensive toy

no daddeeeeeeeeee, she says, for Christmas, CHRISTMAS, Santa and the Elves make it

there is no answer to that at all

Red Genius · « **Reply #205 on:** November 19, 2014, 07:13:12 pm »

She got you there Andy mate

LanceLink!!!!! · « **Reply #206 on:** November 19, 2014, 09:41:15 pm »

Our cat (called Monkey) was doing that weird furball coughing thing at around 4am the other morning. Woke the house up.

Our 6 year old lad came out of his bedroom and said 'Mummy, Daddy, Monkey's trying to talk' a few seconds later.... 'Monkey, what are you trying to say'

Bless him.

AndyInVA · « **Reply #207 on:** December 18, 2014, 02:43:49 am »

I'm a single dad and I worry sometimes my 5 year old girl kiddo does not get a balanced life when she is with me.

So the other day I asked her point blank

"Is there any way I can be a better Dad to you. ?'

She replied, 'yes, buy me more toys'

I was clearly over thinking it

Sir Harvest Fields · « **Reply #208 on:** December 18, 2014, 06:44:22 am »

" whats for christmas mum " said my partners 19 year old son.

You mean a free car , £2200 for insurance , tax and mot as well, free housing, internet , sky, btsports that is piped to only your room , constant takeaways , cups of tea and biscuits brought to your room after you have rung from your bedroom to order them , free mobile phone etc etc etc.

If that isnt enough i dunno what is. Kids, dont know they are born...

Barneylfc∗ · « **Reply #209 on:** December 31, 2014, 08:35:59 pm »

Just been asked by our friends 4 year old if I have a baby in my belly. Fucking wee shithead. We'll see who's laughing when I get him when his mum isn't around.

redbyrdz · « **Reply #210 on:** December 31, 2014, 08:47:57 pm »

Not mine, but overheard a little 4 year old when in the pool some time ago. Dad is asking what are you doing? Answer: I'm a weremaid! (and much splashing).

Can't get the idea of a weremaid out of my head now. Do they turn when the moon is full?

macca888 · « **Reply #211 on:** December 31, 2014, 09:45:40 pm »

"Giz £20 for a taxi home, you tight twat!"

How we laughed on the way home from the cash machine.

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #212 on:** January 1, 2015, 01:24:21 pm »

There was a knock at my front door at Guy Fawkes and when I opened it there were 2 kids standing there with their costumes on, one about 10 or 11 and one probably only about 4.

The little un says "Penny cup a tea" and I'm guessing it was his older Brother who said to him, "Penny for the guy you idiot".

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #213 on:** January 1, 2015, 01:48:17 pm »

Quote from: Battle Cat on December 31, 2014, 08:35:59 pm

Just been asked by our friends 4 year old if I have a baby in my belly. Fucking wee shithead. We'll see who's laughing when I get him when his mum isn't around.

Yewtree Alert!

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #214 on:** January 1, 2015, 07:29:33 pm »

My three year old just wished me happy new scares.

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #215 on:** January 2, 2015, 03:50:31 pm »

My one year old was walking around with the eldest's toy lightsaber the other night.

"Dad! come quick!" - lil_CT

I come running

"Look Baby_CT is a jedi, but he is a youngling so he will die when Anakin goes bad." - lil_CT

I laughed, the missus looked on in shock and horror.

CraigDS · « **Reply #216 on:** January 2, 2015, 04:59:18 pm »

My Nephew has been looking round High Schools he could be going to in the last few months, and his sister went along with them to one, she is 6.

They were in the French classrooms and he was speaking to the French teacher about this and that, if he learns French currently, etc.

After a while the teacher turns to my Niece and says to her, "And what about you, do you go to school?"

To which she turns round and replies "Oui!"

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #217 on:** January 9, 2015, 02:58:54 am »

So, my 3 year old ran up to me and said, "mummy needs pets of the gizmo"

She meant peptobismal, a horrific pink stomach ache medicine in the US.

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #218 on:** January 17, 2015, 09:55:29 pm »

Quote

"Dad! I was just like Liverpool right now (we are shooting the ball in the back yard). I shot the ball and it hit the post, then it went out!"

Sir Harvest Fields · « **Reply #219 on:** January 18, 2015, 08:03:08 am »

Doing a delivery and the receptionist was there with her two little girls. One of them whispered to her mum ' mum , that mans got tattoos ' She replied ' mummy has tattoos as well ' the girl looked at me and said ' yea but he has them on his head ' . Thought it was funny

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #220 on:** January 18, 2015, 02:01:38 pm »

Quote from: Sir Bobble Clops on January 18, 2015, 08:03:08 am

Doing a delivery and the receptionist was there with her two little girls. One of them whispered to her mum ' mum , that mans got tattoos ' She replied ' mummy has tattoos as well ' the girl looked at me and said ' yea but he has them on his head ' . Thought it was funny

Hahaha

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #221 on:** January 31, 2015, 02:26:40 pm »

(While feeding and watering the dog this morning)

Lil_CT - "Behold quadruped, the water which you seek"

SamAteTheRedAcid · « **Reply #222 on:** January 31, 2015, 02:27:45 pm »

Quote from: Crimson_Tank on January 31, 2015, 02:26:40 pm

(While feeding and watering the dog this morning)

Lil_CT - "Behold quadruped, the water which you seek"

that's fucking amazing.

Still waiting for my 2 year old to start talking. So far all we have is 'Dad' 'Dog' and 'Jellyjellyjellyjellyjelly'.

Motty · « **Reply #223 on:** January 31, 2015, 02:39:51 pm »

Got to say Lil_CT is a constant laugh in this thread

Latenight Surfer · « **Reply #224 on:** January 31, 2015, 02:50:28 pm »

Quote from: Manila Vanilla on October 25, 2014, 07:27:38 am

My nephew (6 at the time)
"Mum, what does Fuck up mean?"
My sister (keeping her cool), "Where did you hear that, Tom?"
"I saw it on television".
Sister looks at watch. Saturday, 5pm - well before the watershed. She goes to look at TV.
On the screen it says " F A Cup......."

I actually made that up in my head after last week's shockers. I think that kid has got natural comic talent in him..

Nessy76 · « **Reply #225 on:** February 2, 2015, 03:03:00 pm »

Quote from: Crimson_Tank on January 31, 2015, 02:26:40 pm

(While feeding and watering the dog this morning)

Lil_CT - "Behold quadruped, the water which you seek"

Does he sound like Martin from the Simpsons, by any chance?

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #226 on:** February 2, 2015, 03:58:58 pm »

Fortunately, he does not.

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #227 on:** February 2, 2015, 04:00:41 pm »

Watching the Australian Open Final yesterday and after Djokovic won he whipped his shirt off and threw it in the crowd, then took off sweatbands etc and lobbed them in too.

My 3 year old daughter said "Why is he getting naked? Is it bath time?"

I laughed anyway.

TepidT2O · « **Reply #228 on:** March 23, 2015, 09:46:29 pm »

My sons are 6.....

Son 1... "Daddy, what is less than a kilogram?" (The obvious answer is grams of course).

Son 2... "A Hamster"

Difficult to argue with that logic really

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #229 on:** May 10, 2015, 10:17:25 pm »

redforlife · « **Reply #230 on:** May 12, 2015, 07:28:05 am »

"Dad, if you support Liverpool you're not allowed to walk on your own are you ?"

Something like that son!

AndyInVA · « **Reply #231 on:** May 15, 2015, 02:51:56 pm »

Quote from: blueforlife on May 12, 2015, 07:28:05 am

"Dad, if you support Liverpool you're not allowed to walk on your own are you ?"

Something like that son!

hahhahahahaa

brilliant

AndyInVA · « **Reply #232 on:** May 15, 2015, 02:54:29 pm »

we read a kids book about the northern lights and then looked at some youtube vids with my 6 year old kid on northern lights

Daddy has a friend in Norway I tell her and he sometimes sees the northern lights

'does he have a porch' she asks

huh

'if we go there and he has a porch we can watch the northern lights from the porch, if he doesnt, we can watch from the window'

love that logic

macca888 · « **Reply #233 on:** May 15, 2015, 03:31:15 pm »

All the kids have their own favourite breakfast cereals, and during exam times, we make sure we're well stocked up on their favourites, so each of them start the day in the best, most positive frame of mind. However, today, I couldn't help notice a note attached to the side of one box of cereal in particular which read:

"Aid, eat my Krave again and I'll break your cup with the straw. It's my cereal, u big giant fucking c*nt twat. I hope u choke on what you've eaten or it gives you the shits. Knob."

You know, some parents might not be happy about that, but it brought a lump to my throat. I'm a sentimental fool aren't I?

JLStretton · « **Reply #234 on:** May 15, 2015, 03:41:15 pm »

Chakan · « **Reply #235 on:** May 15, 2015, 03:51:03 pm »

Quote from: macca888 on May 15, 2015, 03:31:15 pm

<snip>

Chip off the old block.

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #236 on:** May 17, 2015, 12:39:21 am »

Macca, you are such a softie when it comes to your lads.

Breaking the cup with the straw is serious stuff...

Red Beret · « **Reply #237 on:** July 30, 2015, 05:23:56 pm »

Funny for us - not so funny for those who heard it!

Quote

The creepiest things 15 parents heard their kids say

1. When she was about 3 we had a cat that had still born kittens. She asked if we could make crosses for them, which I did. As I was making them she asked:

"Aren’t those too small?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

Her: "aren't we going to nail them to them?"

Me: (after several moments silence) "we're not going to do that"

Her: "oh"

2. I was tucking in my two year old. He said "Good bye dad." I said, "No, we say good night." He said "I know. But this time it’s good bye."

3. "Go back to sleep, there isn't anything under your bed".

"He’s behind you now."

4. My 3 year old daughter stood next to her new born brother and looked at him for a while then turned and looked at me and said, "Daddy it’s a monster...we should bury it."

5. I was sound asleep, and at around 6am I was woken up by my 4 year old daughters face inches from mine. She looked right into my eyes and whispered, "I want to peel all your skin off".

6. My toddler went through a phase where she would just constantly say 'hi' to things. "Hi hi hi hi hi hi"

One day, it came out sounding more like "Die die die die die"

So I say to her "What's that you're saying?"

And she turns to face me and just whispers

"Diiiieeeeeee………"

7. My kid's catholic school is over 100 years old. There is a basement under the gym that's used for storage. I was subbing once and during recess one of the kick balls goes down the stairs. A little girl was standing at the top of the stairs yelling "just throw it up to me". I went over and asked who she was talking to and she replied "that big man down the stairs" I went down and there was nobody down there and it was the only way in.

I asked some of the other kids if they have seen the man before and they said "yes, but sister told us not to talk to him". I asked them to describe "sister" and they described a nun and there haven't been nuns at the school in 40 years.

8. "Mommy look what I learned!"

inserts tongue into mom’s mouth during good night kiss

"I learned it from a movie! It means you love someone!"

Mom calmly gets up without saying a word and walks to her room

9. I was on a bus recently and we were stopped outside a walk-in clinic. A little girl in the seat in front of me turned to her dad and said, "Death is the poor man's doctor." And that was that.

10. Why are you crying?

"Bad man."

What bad man?

"There." Points behind me at a dark corner of the room

Lamp on bookshelf next to said darkened corner falls off as soon as I turn to look.

She slept in our bed that night.

11. "So I shouldn't throw him in the fire?"

3 year old daughter holding her baby brother for the first time.

12. Yesterday my 3 year old son told me "today's [sister's] birthday!"

I went into labor last night.

13. My niece was sitting on the couch with a weird look on her face. Her mom asked her what she was thinking about, and she said, "I'm imagining the waves of blood rushing over me."

Turned out they had been at a local science museum with an exhibit on the circulatory system. One of the features was a walk among some giant fake blood vessels, and she was remembering that.

14. Not to me, but to his grandmother.

He was cuddling with her and being very sweet (he was about 3 at the time). He takes her face in his hands, and brings his face close to hers, then tells her that she's very old, and will die soon.

Then he makes a point of looking at the clock.

15. My youngest (around 5 at the time) once drew a picture of a black monster, looked up at me, and said "He told me to draw this. He's coming for you. You better hide."

AndyInVA · « **Reply #238 on:** July 30, 2015, 06:29:15 pm »

My kid drew a picture of her, her dad, mum and grandad (my Dad) and some Aunt of basically stick people with heads

everyone had lots of hair except me and my Dad who had none

strangely accurate

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #239 on:** July 30, 2015, 07:46:58 pm »

My son was in the bath the other day, fiddling with his knob as boys do. He then said "Daddy, is another word for your willy a peanut?"