Topic: I don't want to be a parent.

[And Could He Play]

the nappy changing did bother me, the sleep thats a whole different story.

and yes, kids are very expensive, hats off to the guys & girls with more than one kid on here, i have one and she nearly bankrupts me.

[rushyman]

Aye. I have been to tons of places in the World that I could never have ever dreamed of visiting. Me and the missus have a passion for travelling, seeing new cultures, seeing the world and living life.

Maybe if kids were around we could have done something - but certainly nothing like we get to do now. There would be just no way we could ever have afforded it - nor could we still do so.

There is a downside as well - I have many friends that no longer see their kids and yet still pay. I have some friends that have had their kids poisoned against them by their Ex's and I don't think I could have stood that. So they had the choice, had kids and now they have kids that hate them.

Nothing is ever as easy as it might first appears.


I'm dead happy now. Getting a chance to live and travel and see the world. Love it. Kids would ruin that for me.

This also

Some of my friends with kids go absolutely apeshit when they see us with nice stuff and going on nice holidays.

Pure frustration that, and its not fair to dump it on us, its not like we ram it down peoples throats. But they see us going on trips and spending on sofas or whatever and they get all bent out of shape

[jason42]

Always wanted kids and when I met Debs we both had the same ideas about kids. We decided on two so we could have one each if ever they needed to be carried or nursed. We were lucky enough to have one of each and although it has been hard work at times, I am so proud of the job we have done. I have tried to eradicate the mistakes my parents made and I hope I have done that...

[timiano]

One of those odd scenarios where the majority believe the grass is greener on their own side.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Was funny on holidays - people are honestly scandalised when you say you don't like kids

[lauz]

For me, i never wanted a kid but it happened and it's the most rewarding experience ever! But i would kill for a good nights sleep and a lie-in that doesn't end at 8am.

[TSC]

Never really cared either way.  Certainly wouldn't have wanted em when I was younger like in my 20's.  Fairly indifferent really, but other half would've liked 1 or 2 but she has an illness which means kids were out.  So for her sake would've went for it if things had been different.

I have a good relationship with my dad (& mum when she was alive) and sometimes you think that you're mssing out on likewise with a son/daughter.  But then you see absolute train wrecks of relationships between kids and parents and you realise you'd not want that.

C'est la vie

[Rocher]

Each to their own. Just be content 

[RedJam70]

I've got 4 of the little buggers and so happy for it too. 3 boys and daddy's little girl tagged on the end, love them all to bits, always wanted a big family and luckily my husband did too. However completely understand those that don't want kids themselves. It's a personal decision and kids aren't for everyone. My brother and also my brother in law have no kids and no plans to either, they're happy and it's really no concern to anybody else how they live their lives.

[Azi]

See I’m the total opposite, I’m  23 I cant wait to have kids but weirdly its not so that I can have the feeling of being a dad its  the thought of seeing my mum/dad become grandparents I’m 23 now and both my cousins who are more like brother and sister to me lost their dad aged 21 and 25 neither got to see their grand kids (– my nephew/niece ) and its always bothered me i want to have kids asap so I can see my parents playing with my kids  maybe its something that was missing from my childhood that I never spent time with my grandparents cos  my dad’s were In Pakistan and my mum’s stayed with my uncle (their oldest son ) and it always felt like he preferred them over me I don’t know, but from a early age I’ve always wanted kids take today for example I took my nephew to his first ever Motherwell game I can’t wait to that with my kid I don’t mind the mess or the screaming ive had it with my nephews and nieces and its totally worth it when your two year old niece comes up to you says I wuv you mamoo azi
it sounds soppy I know but I get depressed when I don’t see my 2 year old niece after a day or so her husky little voice shouting to me happy birthday was probably the best birthday present I ever got

[TSC]

This is something I've been struggling with a little bit lately.

I have never had the urge to have a child. Since as long as I can remember. I remember some chats at school, and my friends all thought it was odd. I remember several years ago, after I had been cuddling my new kitten, my Dad saying to me "you're getting broody"... but I wasn't. I've never really felt that.

In the last couple of years my cousin has had two kids. I adore them. I see them a couple of times a week most weeks, and they've become very important to me. To my whole family, really. Their grandparents (my Dad's brother and my aunt) have basically had their lives transformed by the new additions. My aunt only works part time to take care of the kids. My uncle is going to semi-retire so he can spend more time with them. These kids make them SO happy.

But me? Even though I adore them. Even though I love them to bits... I still don't have the urge for ones of my own. I still don't feel that thing. And I can tell that whenever people see me with the kids, they're looking at me thinking "she's thinking about having kids, she's getting broody, it won't be long now..." and it makes me feel really awkward.

I'm 25. None of my family have ever met anyone I've ever dated. Partly because a lot of them don't know that I'm gay. And so they don't know that I'm never likely to have kids. Which means I get all the awkward questions and shit.

But none of that is the hardest thing about it for me. I don't really care, and I can take care of myself when it comes to insensitive and intolerant people. But I feel a huge amount of guilt for my Dad. He knows I will never give him a grandchild. I know he looks on at my uncle with envy when he's playing with the kids. I suspect he is secretly gutted that he won't have that. I have a younger brother, so I know it's a bit silly to feel this way. But I do.

When I was with my ex, I knew that she would have liked another child, and we very briefly discussed adopting in future. I think I would have liked that with her, because she's ace with kids. And I am too, in a different way. But that's different to wanting kids of your own I think. I just don't have that desire to be pregnant and carry a tiny person for 9 months. I've never had it. I can't decide if it's my body's way of protecting me from the obvious impracticalities of us homos having kids, or if it's just a coincidence.

Anyway. Errr. Quite a long and possibly too personal post. Whatever.

I take it though from your post your dad obviouslly knows your gay.  My situation is slightly different.  Used to always get the usual 'when are you having a kid' stuff, until it became apparent my wife was ill and then priority switched to ensuring she was ok.  But have never really wanted kids to be honest.  Watched my sis bring up 4 and always rem when in my early 20's the babies screeching and shiting everywhere while I was trying to watch Liverpool of a Sunday afternoon (this was during 1990's) and I thought, thanks, but no thanks.

[flw]

Having read all these posts in this thread i have to concede that there are some very good and honest reasons for not having kids as to having them. Each individual has the right to choose what they feel is right for them. When i had my children many years ago, It was a matter of course to get married and have them, and whilst i love them to bits i have come to the point where i wish they would just get on with there own lives and give me some peace and quiet and wonder when do you stop looking after them     they are all in there 40s  now     A lifetime commitment is a long time if you do decide to have them. But better to want them  than have them when you dont want them.

[TSC]

Yeah, my Dad knows. He's not even remotely bothered. But I do suspect he would like grandkids. He's in his 60s, he doesn't have a girlfriend, and he looks at my uncle's relationship with the kids and I'm sure there's sadness there. Feel guilty as fuck about it. But what can you do? Just something I agonize over sometimes.

How did your wife (girlfriend?) cope with realising she wasn't going to have kids? Is it something she came to accept, or does she still think about it - like she's missed out?

Yeah. See that's a big thing isn't it? Parents wanting to be grandparents. Do they ever mention stuff about it to you, or are they happy to let you just live your life?

She still holds a candle of hope I think.  But realises that right now it's not an option.  And prob never will be.  I know she loves kids, cos she loves her sisters two kids and spends loads of time with them.  But she knows she couldn't cope with a kid as her condition means she can be bed ridden for a couple of days at a time.  And couldn't rely on me, as I traipse all over the country with work.  And if I didn't then we couldn't afford a mortgage never mind a kid anyway.

Have spoken to her about adoption etc in the future but we'll see.

Hope things work out for ya anyway.

[TSC]

Likewise mate. Hope your wife gets better. I suppose that's the biggie and everything else is a bonus.

Yep, exactly. 

[Azi]

Yeah. See that's a big thing isn't it? Parents wanting to be grandparents. Do they ever mention stuff about it to you, or are they happy to let you just live your life?

my mum "jokes" about it now and again when am looking after my niece "hurry up and get married so i can look after your kids " etc but nothing constant think shes more set on me getting married first etc but my dad on the other hand is like live your life a little then think about getting married at 27/28  but on the whole there's no real pressure on me but in 6 months time when my cousin gets married i can guaren-dam-tee that my mum will be nagging at me have you found a girl yet and bearing in mind I'm Asian and my culture has the whole "arranged marriage" thing she will be suggesting plenty of randoms to introduce me to

[John C]

I don't. I never have.

When I was young I wanted 2 kids, now I've got 3 I only want 1.

[Sat1]

Got 2 boys. Last 3& half years I've changed my life.

They are the best thing that has and will ever happen to me. Don't care if I have to shovel shit for 23 hrs 59 minutes a day to give them a good life, that one minute would make it worth it

[lainey]

I never wanted them but my sister did - she found out she couldn't have them
then at 28 I found myself pregnant but lost it at 4 months - went on to have another 3 misscarriages then had my first of 3 boys at 34

they're my life but to be honest I still can say I don't particularly like other peoples kids

my sister in law had a little girl same time as I had my last son and it was weird I don't know what to do or say to her as she's a girly girl (the 4 I lost were girls perhaps its that)

[Moldyman]

We are all here to procreate, it's that simple.

[Kez]

Yeah, my Dad knows. He's not even remotely bothered. But I do suspect he would like grandkids. He's in his 60s, he doesn't have a girlfriend, and he looks at my uncle's relationship with the kids and I'm sure there's sadness there. Feel guilty as fuck about it. But what can you do? Just something I agonize over sometimes.

This is the bit that gets me. As an only child, I am my parents' only chance of grandchildren. My boyfriend is also an only child and his mother has made no bones about the fact that she wants grandchildren, although she's not yet been daft enough to bring it up with me. My parents have long known my thoughts on children, but I feel guilty because if I don't have kids it means they don't get to experience being grandparents which I know that they'd love.

My other half actually had the audacity to try for a guilt trip on the child front (yes, he's a total arse at times but I love him and I never want to be without him) by suggesting how much my mother would love a grandchild. I know this already, and being told it just makes me feel worse. But how much worse would I feel if I had a kid for everyone else (boyfriend, his parents, my parents) except me? I fear I would resent that child, my boyfriend and each of our families for the rest of my life. Sure, I might get that "connection" that people speak of when they talk about seeing their baby for the first time, but if I don't the alternative is far too awful to contemplate taking the risk for.

[Billy1561]

I am extremely fortunate to have 3 great kids and a very understanding wife but if i had another life i would stay single and childless not because i haven't enjoyed it (i have enormously) but i have been there got the t shirt. Does that make sense? That would be my selfish indulgance.
Saying that, i couldn't imagine my life without my kids. All 3 are different yet the same. All capable of making me laugh. All capable of making me cry.

[jambutty]

No one should have children for anyone but themselves.  I have complete respect for those that make the choice not to become parents.
Carrying on the family name is such bullshit to me.  Other than my kids there's no one carrying my name that's worth a shit.

But at 18, I was always looking for the mother of my children.  Found her at 21, married a year later and 4 kids down the road have never had anything but great mems.  A first grandchild this year has added exponentially to that. 

I always knew that being a parent would be the most difficult and important job I would ever have and I've thrown myself into it with every fibre.  Back then I determined that my benchmark for success in life wasn't money or possessions, but that I would consider myself successful if I brought one or more children into the world with moral values at least as good as my own.

Although it is all encompassing, the satisfaction of seeing what wonderful creatures you've bestowed (and that's the right word for my crew) on your community and the world make the tribs completely worth it.

[Enemy]

Never want them, can't stand them.

Plus I hate that parents fuck up their kids and I don't want to inflict that on some poor fucker.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

This is something I've been struggling with a little bit lately.

I have never had the urge to have a child. Since as long as I can remember. I remember some chats at school, and my friends all thought it was odd. I remember several years ago, after I had been cuddling my new kitten, my Dad saying to me "you're getting broody"... but I wasn't. I've never really felt that.

In the last couple of years my cousin has had two kids. I adore them. I see them a couple of times a week most weeks, and they've become very important to me. To my whole family, really. Their grandparents (my Dad's brother and my aunt) have basically had their lives transformed by the new additions. My aunt only works part time to take care of the kids. My uncle is going to semi-retire so he can spend more time with them. These kids make them SO happy.

But me? Even though I adore them. Even though I love them to bits... I still don't have the urge for ones of my own. I still don't feel that thing. And I can tell that whenever people see me with the kids, they're looking at me thinking "she's thinking about having kids, she's getting broody, it won't be long now..." and it makes me feel really awkward.

I'm 25. None of my family have ever met anyone I've ever dated. Partly because a lot of them don't know that I'm gay. And so they don't know that I'm never likely to have kids. Which means I get all the awkward questions and shit.

But none of that is the hardest thing about it for me. I don't really care, and I can take care of myself when it comes to insensitive and intolerant people. But I feel a huge amount of guilt for my Dad. He knows I will never give him a grandchild. I know he looks on at my uncle with envy when he's playing with the kids. I suspect he is secretly gutted that he won't have that. I have a younger brother, so I know it's a bit silly to feel this way. But I do.

When I was with my ex, I knew that she would have liked another child, and we very briefly discussed adopting in future. I think I would have liked that with her, because she's ace with kids. And I am too, in a different way. But that's different to wanting kids of your own I think. I just don't have that desire to be pregnant and carry a tiny person for 9 months. I've never had it. I can't decide if it's my body's way of protecting me from the obvious impracticalities of us homos having kids, or if it's just a coincidence.

Anyway. Errr. Quite a long and possibly too personal post. Whatever.

I've got a few 'Gay' mates Rhi and they are all sound, brilliant people. So are you.

My mum always told me to 'just be yourself' and I have.

Rhi. Just be yourself. The world always needs brilliant people like you

[Andy @ Allerton!]

When I was young I wanted 2 kids, now I've got 3 I only want 1.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

This is the bit that gets me. As an only child, I am my parents' only chance of grandchildren. My boyfriend is also an only child and his mother has made no bones about the fact that she wants grandchildren, although she's not yet been daft enough to bring it up with me. My parents have long known my thoughts on children, but I feel guilty because if I don't have kids it means they don't get to experience being grandparents which I know that they'd love.

My other half actually had the audacity to try for a guilt trip on the child front (yes, he's a total arse at times but I love him and I never want to be without him) by suggesting how much my mother would love a grandchild. I know this already, and being told it just makes me feel worse. But how much worse would I feel if I had a kid for everyone else (boyfriend, his parents, my parents) except me? I fear I would resent that child, my boyfriend and each of our families for the rest of my life. Sure, I might get that "connection" that people speak of when they talk about seeing their baby for the first time, but if I don't the alternative is far too awful to contemplate taking the risk for.

Don't have kids because you're on a guilt trip. I got pressured off my mum for years. Then my sister had two wonderful girls. So my mum isn't arsed now. My wife's brother has two kids as well.

You shouldn't have kids to 'please' someone else.

[rob1966]

This also

Some of my friends with kids go absolutely apeshit when they see us with nice stuff and going on nice holidays.

Pure frustration that, and its not fair to dump it on us, its not like we ram it down peoples throats. But they see us going on trips and spending on sofas or whatever and they get all bent out of shape

Tell them to go fuck themselves next time.

Im just turned 45, missus is 42 and we've got a 14 month and 3 1/2 yr old. If we want things, we work hard for them.

On top of my full time job, I do Saturdays driving an HGV and my missus will work overtime Sats or sundays. We spend roughly a month each year abroad, I took the wife to Dubai for her 40th, we've been to Tenerife twice this year and to Spain, we 're away for a fortnight in 4 weeks and are booking another week on Tuesday. Last week was my birthday, I got treated to visit to the comedy store, an la carte meal and stay in a Marriott. My birthday present was a Tag Heuer watch. She worked fucking hard to treat me to all that. In summer I took her to a nice hotel and Spa for her birthday.

I've no problems with people who dont want kids, its a personal choice and parents should not pressure you. If its not what you want, then dont do it.

Personally cant imagine not having my boys now, we've been playing making pretend christmas presents, cuddling on the couch watching telly and making a right mess today.

What I do have a problem with, is those c*nts who have kids and dont take care of them. I did a few hours voluntarily at a warehouse this week for the Cash for Kids charity. I spent the time building bikes for little kids, that had been donated by BUPA, who otherwise wouldn't have received any gifts. Some are down to poverty and the parents try their best for their kids, but the worst are those poor kids born to utter pieces of shite.

I know a GMP officer and he once got a call out Christmas Day to assist social services to take two children into care. When they got to the house, both the mother and father were out of it stoned in the living room, the house was in a digusting state. They went to the bedroom, the smell as they entered was unbearable. There was nothing in the room, except for a baby and a 3 yr old in a cot. Both were naked and as Mac walked towards them, the 3 yr old put his arms out to be picked up. A 3yr old reaching out to a total stranger...

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Tell them to go fuck themselves next time.

Im just turned 45, missus is 42 and we've got a 14 month and 3 1/2 yr old. If we want things, we work hard for them.

On top of my full time job, I do Saturdays driving an HGV and my missus will work overtime Sats or sundays. We spend roughly a month each year abroad, I took the wife to Dubai for her 40th, we've been to Tenerife twice this year and to Spain, we 're away for a fortnight in 4 weeks and are booking another week on Tuesday. Last week was my birthday, I got treated to visit to the comedy store, an la carte meal and stay in a Marriott. My birthday present was a Tag Heuer watch. She worked fucking hard to treat me to all that. In summer I took her to a nice hotel and Spa for her birthday.

I've no problems with people who dont want kids, its a personal choice and parents should not pressure you. If its not what you want, then dont do it.

Personally cant imagine not having my boys now, we've been playing making pretend christmas presents, cuddling on the couch watching telly and making a right mess today.

What I do have a problem with, is those c*nts who have kids and dont take care of them. I did a few hours voluntarily at a warehouse this week for the Cash for Kids charity. I spent the time building bikes for little kids, that had been donated by BUPA, who otherwise wouldn't have received any gifts. Some are down to poverty and the parents try their best for their kids, but the worst are those poor kids born to utter pieces of shite.

I know a GMP officer and he once got a call out Christmas Day to assist social services to take two children into care. When they got to the house, both the mother and father were out of it stoned in the living room, the house was in a digusting state. They went to the bedroom, the smell as they entered was unbearable. There was nothing in the room, except for a baby and a 3 yr old in a cot. Both were naked and as Mac walked towards them, the 3 yr old put his arms out to be picked up. A 3yr old reaching out to a total stranger...

Nice one mate doing the Charity stuff

Hope you and your missus and kids have a great Christmas

[rob1966]

Nice one mate doing the Charity stuff

Hope you and your missus and kids have a great Christmas

Thanks mate. Got asked to do it and as it was for kids, pulled at the old heart strings and I couldn't say yes quick enough.

Hope you have a great Christmas too. 

[Ferg]

Picking up your new-born for the very first time is the greatest experience you'll ever have.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Picking up your new-born for the very first time is the greatest experience you'll ever have.

Can't be as good as having a Guinness or ten, watching Liverpool win and then having a Curry.

Nirvana.

Shove your newborns up your hoop

[rob1966]

Yeah, that's the thing isn't it? You can't do it for anyone but yourself. It's not fair on the child, and it's not fair on you. Shit thing is, people will always guilt you for it. It's not quite an accepted life choice yet. Not by the masses. I suppose it's easier now than it was 20 years ago, but there's still that expectation to "grow up, get married, have kids". But if you don't have that urge, I don't see why there should be a pressure there to do it. Like Andy says, the world is overpopulated as it is. Those of us who don't want kids should be encouraged not to!!

Thanks, Andy.

Never ever let anyone pressure you into being a parent. It takes 100% commitment and if you aren't prepared to do it (or just dont want to do it) then dont. As you say, its not fair on yourself and its certainly not fair on the kids. The people doing the pressuring should know this and think before they speak (my Ma was a pain in the arse for this)

Can't be as good as having a Guinness or ten, watching Liverpool win and then having a Curry.

Nirvana.

Shove your newborns up your hoop

Even boucing around a steaming, jam packed Kop, as Liverpool win the league in front of you (oh the memories  ) doesn't come close to looking at your own child for the first time. 

[FlashingBlade]

Even boucing around a steaming, jam packed Kop, as Liverpool win the league in front of you (oh the memories  ) doesn't come close to looking at your own child for the first time. 

My son was born in 2006 and all I can say to the non parents here.... the most amazing, wonderful and single most intense moment of my life was.................. Istanbul!!


Parenting on the most can be boring, hard and frustraiting work...you can feel like your running on a treadmil...and most of the time your not even sure if your doing it right.....but the return on it..the joy , the love , the fullfilment is unsurpassed by anything else life can offer ( apart from a one off ocassion like Istanbul ....and when we win the league)...its a personal call....but dont be put off by the bad experiances of others or the social pressures of what parentingshould be.

One final point, this country talks a good game about working families, but is shit at assisting hard working proffesional couples who are parents.........5 years of child care cost us £35,000!!

[Barneylfc∗]

This also

Some of my friends with kids go absolutely apeshit when they see us with nice stuff and going on nice holidays.

Pure frustration that, and its not fair to dump it on us, its not like we ram it down peoples throats. But they see us going on trips and spending on sofas or whatever and they get all bent out of shape

Have to admit I do get a wee bit jealous when my mates arrange things knowing I cant go. Pretty much all of my mates are having NYE in Liverpool and going to the match. Gutted I cant be there but shit happens.

[FlashingBlade]

Have to admit I do get a wee bit jealous when my mates arrange things knowing I cant go. Pretty much all of my mates are having NYE in Liverpool and going to the match. Gutted I cant be there but shit happens.

I recall my hardest decison I ever made as a fan/parent was not to go to Athens cos of the financial impact on my fmaily...it hurt for sure...but it was the right choice.........its called being an adult!

[Barneylfc∗]

My son was born in 2006 and all I can say to the non parents here.... the most amazing, wonderful and single most intense moment of my life was.................. Istanbul!!


Parenting on the most can be boring, hard and frustraiting work...you can feel like your running on a treadmil...and most of the time your not even sure if your doing it right.....but the return on it..the joy , the love , the fullfilment is unsurpassed by anything else life can offer ( apart from a one off ocassion like Istanbul ....and when we win the league)...its a personal call....but dont be put off by the bad experiances of others or the social pressures of what parentingshould be.

One final point, this country talks a good game about working families, but is shit at assisting hard working proffesional couples who are parents.........5 years of child care cost us £35,000!!

If you can afford 7 grand a year on childcare why would you need assistance?

[Barneylfc∗]

I recall my hardest decison I ever made as a fan/parent was not to go to Athens cos of the financial impact on my fmaily...it hurt for sure...but it was the right choice.........its called being an adult!

I havent yet been in the situation where I have had the choice of doing something like that, or doing staying at home because I know i cant afford it with my son. But there would only ever be one outcome and its whatever benefits him. Am going to the CC semi next month, the Derby in feb, and a stag do in march. But if in any way i need money for my kid, one of them is getting jibbed

[FlashingBlade]

If you can afford 7 grand a year on childcare why would you need assistance?

what makes you think it was affordable?....having putting in years of hard work exams etc..the choice we had was one of us pack in our job or live on tight means for 5 years...I know lots of couples where the wife gave up cos the cost of childcare was not doeable.......so a decent hard working person becomes some one living off state benefit...doesnt make sense...btw we didnt complain it was our choice but there is so much hypocorsy spouted about family values, hard working family's etc in this country yet the cost of child care is amongst the highest Europe....but then we should all go back to the 1950's family unit according to Cameron

[jason42]

I give up pretty much everything for my kids.....obviously now with me not being able to work, money is tighter than before and I willingly sacrifice things so my kids can have. I grew up the very poor son of a miner and never had much as a kid and what little I had I always looked after. Even now, I have clothes in my wardrobe that are a few years old but that I have never worn as I am keeping them for when I need them. My son, at just 14, is already bigger, taller and heavier than me (6'1 and 14.5 stone he is) and can now fit in my clothes. Debs bought me new jeans the other day as we were going on an extremely rare night out and I have lost 2 stone since I last wore jeans (I can't normally wear them as I can't bear anything tight on my waist and stomach because of the pain). My boy was going into town with his mates yesterday and none of his jeans fit him after his most recent growth spurt so he borrowed my new jeans. He has also pinched some Tshirts and hoodies...

[And Could He Play]

i wanted kids with monica.