Haven't had a chance to read through 15 pages but two/three recommendations:
1. Buy the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns from Amazon.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 It's a fantastic book for anyone suffering from depression. Remember that you are unwell, and that when you are unwell you will see things in a more hopeless light.
2. Please, please, please do try and get some professional help. Speak to your GP, and ask for a referral. Many NHS Trusts have departments have provide out patient services (though the wasting list take a while). But do try and take some steps even if they are small ones.
3. Make sure you are getting enough sleep. Depression is hard enough and worse when you haven't had a good nights sleep. Alot of chemists will do herbal sleeping pills.
4. Make sure you have eating sufficient protein eg. tuna, chicken etc. Protein contains tryptophan which your bodies needs to make serotonin which is one of the neurotransmitters in the brain.
5. Be kind to yourself.
6. Try and find some activities that allow you focus on the here and now, and stop you from ruminating. It could be a simple as re-arranging the tins in the kitchen cupboard, or going for job/run.
