Author Topic: Fat Sam Allardyce on Twitter (@TheBig_Sam tweets only!) (Read 398383 times)

BigMarcs · « **Reply #920 on:** August 10, 2011, 10:46:01 am »

I love this guy.

Ziltoid · « **Reply #921 on:** August 10, 2011, 11:43:40 am »

Superb!

redgriffin73 · « **Reply #922 on:** August 10, 2011, 03:06:54 pm »

Quote from: DanJay87 on August 10, 2011, 12:57:58 am

It was as swift and devastating as Chlamydia.

andymanlfc · « **Reply #923 on:** August 10, 2011, 03:32:32 pm »

Quote from: DanJay87 on August 10, 2011, 12:57:58 am

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
"Criminality!" I roared, and jerked Mr Alex Ferguson into action. He leapt at the fucker like a magnificent steed, crashing into him head first.

That had me in stitches! Can just imagine him roaring that!

Matt8Pie · « **Reply #924 on:** August 11, 2011, 05:10:32 pm »

Damiens_Comolli is just as funny, I think.

http://twitter.com/#!/Damiens_Comolli

Damiens_Comolli Damien Comolli Not
I sent Soto to London. I said "If u catch a looter, fuck them in the pooper". He's topless & he's on his way. #riots #lfc

Damiens_Comolli Damien Comolli Not
I can't announce Enrique tonight, i'm eating Dorito's in bed and watching Babestation. We'll announce it later. #lfc
18 hours ago

Damiens_Comolli Damien Comolli Not
I measured Enrique's testicals at his medical. Apparently it's not necessary but i make sure new players have balls big enough 2 play 4 #lfc
18 minutes ago

Snail · « **Reply #925 on:** August 11, 2011, 05:11:51 pm »

Quote from: DanJay87 on August 10, 2011, 12:57:58 am

Fat Sam is patrolling the streets it seems

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
Swear to fuck, If any of these looters try to come around my manor and steal my priceless collection of Pogs, I'll slice their faces off.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
Rode around Canary Wharf this evening atop my hound, Mr Alex Ferguson. Just patrolling the area and making sure no shit was going down.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
Some c*nt in a bandana offered me six bottles of CK One Summer for £20, out of a crate filled with plunder from his filthy bout of thievery.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
"Criminality!" I roared, and jerked Mr Alex Ferguson into action. He leapt at the fucker like a magnificent steed, crashing into him head first.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
I dismounted the hound and set about the hooligan with a show of astoundingly brutal Karate. It was as swift and devastating as Chlamydia.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
After I'd finished with the little ballbag, I tied him to a postbox and left him for the rats. Then Mr Alex Ferguson & I rode back off into the night.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
Not before I grabbed all the CK One Summer, though. Momma didn't raise no fool.

Beautiful.

Twiggthemanc · « **Reply #926 on:** August 11, 2011, 05:21:49 pm »

That Damien Comoli account is the unfunniest thing on twitter. The Big Sam is the funniest.

Snail · « **Reply #927 on:** August 11, 2011, 05:35:28 pm »

Quote from: Twiggthemanc on August 11, 2011, 05:21:49 pm

That Damien Comoli account is the unfunniest thing on twitter. The Big Sam is the funniest.

I have to agree with this.

Danyaals Kop · « **Reply #928 on:** August 11, 2011, 06:02:20 pm »

Man I love this 'big' bastard

Acaustiq · « **Reply #929 on:** August 11, 2011, 06:24:35 pm »

This was promising but he stopped posting - http://twitter.com/#!/Joe_SimMUFC

Quote

I dont loot it... I honest guy!! Everton too small.. I want big club like marine or tranmere

The Playmaker · « **Reply #930 on:** August 11, 2011, 06:27:05 pm »

Quote from: Acaustiq on August 11, 2011, 06:24:35 pm

This was promising but he stopped posting - http://twitter.com/#!/Joe_SimMUFC

"Big big Party in Bangkok tonight!! John Terry bring his mum and we all share her like piece of meat!! Half woman, half mattress!!"

JackBauer · « **Reply #931 on:** August 11, 2011, 06:33:30 pm »

No polluting the Big Sam thread with inferior imitations, please.

rednile · « **Reply #932 on:** August 11, 2011, 06:42:04 pm »

TheBig_SamnotBigSam

Favourite guitar riff? Probably 'Brown Sugar' by The Stones. Pure sexuality. You can almost see spunk oozing out of the boombox as it plays.

-HH- · « **Reply #933 on:** August 11, 2011, 06:45:17 pm »

Quote from: JackBauer on August 11, 2011, 06:33:30 pm

No polluting the Big Sam thread with inferior imitations, please.

J-Mc- · « **Reply #934 on:** August 11, 2011, 06:46:57 pm »

Quote from: DanJay87 on August 10, 2011, 12:57:58 am

Fat Sam is patrolling the streets it seems

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
Swear to fuck, If any of these looters try to come around my manor and steal my priceless collection of Pogs, I'll slice their faces off.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
Rode around Canary Wharf this evening atop my hound, Mr Alex Ferguson. Just patrolling the area and making sure no shit was going down.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
Some c*nt in a bandana offered me six bottles of CK One Summer for £20, out of a crate filled with plunder from his filthy bout of thievery.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
"Criminality!" I roared, and jerked Mr Alex Ferguson into action. He leapt at the fucker like a magnificent steed, crashing into him head first.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
I dismounted the hound and set about the hooligan with a show of astoundingly brutal Karate. It was as swift and devastating as Chlamydia.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
After I'd finished with the little ballbag, I tied him to a postbox and left him for the rats. Then Mr Alex Ferguson & I rode back off into the night.

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
Not before I grabbed all the CK One Summer, though. Momma didn't raise no fool.

That is fucking genius!!!

rednile · « **Reply #935 on:** August 16, 2011, 06:18:06 pm »

TheBig_SamnotBigSam

I hate the way women get all offended when they find out you've been wanking over their Facebook photos. It's a fucking compliment.

I'd be fucking delighted if I thought there were women out there fudding themsleves off to a picture of Big Sam. What an honour

rednile · « **Reply #936 on:** August 16, 2011, 06:18:43 pm »

TheBig_SamnotBigSam

Away to Watford tonight. Fuck me, I'm bored of this division already.

Gobias Industries · « **Reply #937 on:** August 16, 2011, 06:23:58 pm »

None of those other parody accounts are funny at all. Nevermind AS funny as the funniest thing, possibly on the entire internet. Keep this thread clean, keep this thread Big Sam.

mustangGT · « **Reply #938 on:** August 16, 2011, 06:30:34 pm »

Quote from: Gobias Industries on August 16, 2011, 06:23:58 pm

None of those other parody accounts are funny at all. Nevermind AS funny as the funniest thing, possibly on the entire internet. Keep this thread clean, keep this thread Big Sam.

I agree with this

mattsant · « **Reply #939 on:** August 16, 2011, 06:31:55 pm »

Quote from: rednile on August 16, 2011, 06:18:43 pm

TheBig_SamnotBigSam

Away to Watford tonight. Fuck me, I'm bored of this division already.

lol

Agger · « **Reply #940 on:** August 16, 2011, 09:51:04 pm »

Quote from: rednile on August 16, 2011, 06:18:43 pm

TheBig_SamnotBigSam

Away to Watford tonight. Fuck me, I'm bored of this division already.

Though that was hilarious for some reason

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #941 on:** August 16, 2011, 10:22:20 pm »

Quote from: Gobias Industries on August 16, 2011, 06:23:58 pm

None of those other parody accounts are funny at all. Nevermind AS funny as the funniest thing, possibly on the entire internet. Keep this thread clean, keep this thread Big Sam.

Gobias speaks the truth!

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #942 on:** August 16, 2011, 10:33:49 pm »

@TheBig_Sam notBigSam
I wish I was still on speaking terms with Elton John. I'd give the little bastard a right royal ribbing for spanking his boys tonight.

notBigSam
@TheBig_Sam notBigSam
I'm just so proud of the lads tonight. Can't wait to treat them. There's a fuckload of Haribo back on the coach with their names on it.

@TheBig_Sam your shit get out of west ham now only 4-0!! who do you think you are pathetic!!!

in reply to ↑
notBigSam
@TheBig_Sam notBigSam
@jcatley How dare you try to step to Big Sam. Especially with such remedial grammatical ability.

Oddball · « **Reply #943 on:** August 17, 2011, 10:47:51 am »

Quote from: rednile on August 16, 2011, 06:18:43 pm

TheBig_SamnotBigSam

Away to Watford tonight. Fuck me, I'm bored of this division already.

Brilliant. LOVE Fat Sam.

Cre_mCr_cker · « **Reply #944 on:** August 17, 2011, 10:44:13 pm »

What the fuck is up with Jimmy Carr's laugh? It's horrific. It sounds like a seal getting fingered.

Genius.

Libertine · « **Reply #945 on:** August 20, 2011, 07:36:02 pm »

TheBig_Sam notBigSam
Watching 'Dirty Dancing' on 5*. The simmering sexual sparkle between Frances "Baby" Houseman and Johnny Castle is almost unbearable.

The way Johnny Castle is thwarted in his desire to implement exciting new dance styles is so sickening. Reminds me of my time at Newcastle.

Fucking suits. What do you know, you c*nts? People like me and Johnny Castle - we are the innovators. We create the fucking future.

MBL? · « **Reply #946 on:** August 20, 2011, 07:58:40 pm »

And yes - there's little point denying it. There are quite apparent parallels between their relationship and myself and Karren Brady.

The term 'Dirty Dancing' doesn't come close to describing Brady's dancefloor technique, though. She's a mucky fucking mare.

She danced into my office a few weeks back like Tom Cruise out of 'Risky Business' - wearing only socks, shades and a West Ham shirt.

I gotta say though - I don't remember the Cruiser fudding himself off with a tennis racket as he slid into the room in the film.

It's just the way she rolls, though. As she said to me, "Sam, my fanny is like a cup of winter broth - I like it warm & filled to the brim".

Jadam · « **Reply #947 on:** August 20, 2011, 08:09:55 pm »

Great to see Colin Wanker back in the Premier League. A proper old-school character. Looks like a stern old spinster from the 1940s, though.

MichaelA · « **Reply #948 on:** August 20, 2011, 08:16:50 pm »

Quote from: Libertine on August 20, 2011, 07:36:02 pm

People like me and Johnny Castle - we are the innovators. We create the fucking future.

This is gold. Gold. The Cheryl Kerl twitter set a high benchmark but it's been smashed.

danny boy the red · « **Reply #949 on:** August 20, 2011, 09:28:27 pm »

Quote from: MichaelA on August 20, 2011, 08:16:50 pm

This is gold. Gold. The Cheryl Kerl twitter set a high benchmark but it's been smashed.

You bet me to it Michael, the Johnny Castle tweets are the finest Big Sam has produced so far.

My christ how does the fella come up with the stuff.

payback · « **Reply #950 on:** August 20, 2011, 10:03:01 pm »

Quote from: Martin Broughton's Lovechild on August 20, 2011, 07:58:40 pm

"Sam, my fanny is like a cup of winter broth - I like it warm & filled to the brim".

HiroProtagonist · « **Reply #951 on:** August 20, 2011, 10:13:34 pm »

The man is a comedic genius. How does he come up with this stuff?

rushyman · « **Reply #952 on:** August 21, 2011, 02:11:30 pm »

Quote from: mustangGT on June 23, 2011, 05:21:24 pm

There's not a day goes by that I don't think about the Montreal Screwjob with barely concealed fury.

The way Vince McMahon defecated on the legacy of Bret 'The Hitman' Hart still makes me sick to my stomach. He's worse than Goebbels.

I remember watching the Survivor Series that night, dressed from head to toe like the Excellence of Execution, while the horror unfolded.

"How dare you, Earl Hebner?!" roared Big Sam. "How dare you ring that bell without due cause and take part in such a disgusting swindle?!!"

I took off my pink, mirrored sunglasses and threw them onto the three-bar fire in our living room, squealing "travesty!" in pained anquish

I went outside for some fresh air to calm down, but saw some local whore who looked JUST like Shawn Michaels. The beating I gave her.

I slapped a vicious Sharpshooter on her toned but vile legs, as she begged in vain for mercy.

"Ring the bell," I shouted. "What fucking bell, you fat twat?" she replied coarsely. "Exactly!" laughed Big Sam, with impish glee. Magical.

Fucking Hell Ive just read this

Im doubled up

Snail · « **Reply #953 on:** August 21, 2011, 02:13:48 pm »

Quote from: Martin Broughton's Lovechild on August 20, 2011, 07:58:40 pm

It's just the way she rolls, though. As she said to me, "Sam, my fanny is like a cup of winter broth - I like it warm & filled to the brim".

Poetry.

rushyman · « **Reply #954 on:** August 21, 2011, 02:26:46 pm »

Quote from: mbyx6cg2 on March 21, 2011, 06:50:00 pm

Had an absolutely blazing row with Jim Rosenthal today over 'No Diggity' by Blackstreet. I've never seen such fury from a sports anchor.

He reckons the best part of the song to blow your beans to is the chorus. How utterly predictable and safe.

"No, no, no," I roared. "That shit might work at Channel 5 with Collymore and that troll Nevin, but you're playing with the big boys now."

For maximum orgasmic explosion you coincide your stroke with "curve's the words, spins the verbs. Lovers it curves so freak what you heard."

A hardy pull on "words", 2 mighty tugs of the fuck-sword on "verbs" & by the time you get to "heard" - well, you're ectoplasming everywhere.

"You're talking shite, Big Sam" said Rosenthal. "Any daft c*nt knows you release your wand during the chorus. What kind of pervert are you?"

I reached for a bottle of Palmolive from my shopping bag and crashed it into his face with the kinetic intensity of a queer at a Pink gig.

I will tolerate many things, but being told when to spunk during an R&B masterpiece by a TV presenter from Transylvania isn't one of them.

Good fucking God

Im in bits

Terry_Tibbs · « **Reply #955 on:** August 21, 2011, 03:14:02 pm »

Quote

Robbed. By the fucking bass player from U2. Sunday cunting Sunday.

rushyman · « **Reply #956 on:** August 21, 2011, 03:15:06 pm »

'Robbed. By the fucking bass player from U2. Sunday cunting Sunday.'

rushyman · « **Reply #957 on:** August 21, 2011, 03:29:22 pm »

Presenter finished prog with 'Leeds united have found what theyre looking for'

Someones had a laugh on the autocue I think

mattsant · « **Reply #958 on:** August 21, 2011, 03:38:00 pm »

Ultimate Bromance · « **Reply #959 on:** August 21, 2011, 03:49:25 pm »