Here's the original post - sorry for the delay, I've not been around:
Hi all, I wasn't going to post anything further; I'm not sure there's anything new to be learned really, and I feel (perhaps wrongly) that me talking about it is becoming a bit comedic for some. I find it difficult to really talk about now to be honest, it gives me the shakes/gets me down.
I've not seen them since the discussion and their subsequent storm out in June. When we last saw them, we made it clear that we didn't think the way we were being treated was ok, but if they want to re-consider their position, the door is always open. My partner left things to cool down over the summer in the hope that they would re evaluate how they've been acting, but they haven't so far. Since then the Mother has just done petty things, like on their extended family Facebook page, when sending birthday wishes etc, written 'love from x y and z' but omitted my partners name (for clarity, my partner showed me this because she was upset about it).
Other stuff.. partner was unsure what to do about her Dad's birthday in September/asked what I thought. She said she didn't think it was fair for her family to expect her to go round on her own and make nice for the day given how they've treated us, and she has also been giving the silent treatment by all of them since the last meeting. She anticipated they'd also spend the time criticizing her/our relationship/me, and then when it would inevitably escalate, and she'd get blamed for 'ruining' her Dad's birthday, and she didn't want a scenario where she has to visit them on her own. She did want to get him a present. I said that if she wants to buy something, I'd consider sending it in the post (wrapped up still) to avoid any conflict, easy solution. She said she didn't want to do that, and would probably leave it in their porch on the way to work so there wouldn't be any opportunity to get drawn into anything. She said if she posted it she'd be getting criticized by them on the day for doing that. I said it it was up to her, but I thought she'd be in the wrong whatever she did. We both signed the card (I thought it better to be passive about the whole thing rather than make a point and not sign it myself, I didn't want to provide any cause for outrage). Long story short (story relayed by my partner) she went round with it early doors, her sister immediately came storming out of the house and kicked off/slanging match in the street, said that the present wasn't welcome/how dare she buy a present for Daddy, she's abandoned the family, "Mummy and Daddy could have died for all she knew". Partner said that the sister didn't know what had gone on, she wasn't there, and that she hasn't heard from her for months, why hadn't she at least sent her a message of support/to see if she was ok, why is all the onus on her (my partner) every time? The sister apparently replied that she had "thought about it (reaching out)" but ultimately just had a bit of a blank look on her face. The sister ended up hitting my partner and storming back into the house. So yeh, partner phones me in tears.She said she got a text from her Dad that night saying thanks for the present, and "I was hoping I would see you.." My partner replied that she was happy he liked the present, but it was strange that he'd expected to see her given how he and her Mum behaved and what they said to us the last time she saw them, that they stormed out of her house, said that I wasn't welcome, and she's not had any further communication from them since. She said that we were getting on building a life together, that we hoped they were well, and that we said that the door was always open should they reconsider their position, and that that remained the case. She showed me what she sent later and it was all written in very neutral/non confrontational language. She said she didn't get a reply.
My partners birthday a few days later, a couple of small presents from her family get stuffed through the door in brown envelopes. She doesn't get a card from her Auntie (they've been quite close in the past), she said this wasn't by accident as she always sent one, so the auntie isn't speaking to her now either. The auntie was actually alright whenever I met her, I could do basics like call her her name, chat to her etc, she seemed pretty easy to get on with. So yeh, partner is then upset on her own birthday too.She says she can't understand why her family don't love her enough to "get over themselves" and to swallow their pride, that they have unrealistic expectations for how adults should interact with them in the modern world, and that she feels embarrassed by how they behave. She can't understand how they can just cut her out of their lives, like she doesn't exist, and how everything is seen as her fault. (She's since told me that her Mum has given her ultimatums in the past about if she did x y or z, she'd never speak to her again, such as "bringing a (none white person) home" - wtf). She is hurt that her auntie has seemingly sided with the Mother, that her sister has done the same, that neither have reached out or offered any support to her before cutting her off, or even tried to understand our viewpoint. She says that her Mother would have expected her to go round and "fix it", so now she doesn't anticipate she'll ever hear from her again.
I find it staggering that they would treat her like this, although quite predictable from my interactions with them. Looking longer term, I don't want a potential situation where I can't communicate with in laws, it makes me sad to think this could be it as far as that goes for me, I've always got on well with ex's parents, it's been pretty easy. I don't know a lot of people in this town, it'd be nice to have some people in a family type scenario you could go round and have a chat to, cup of tea, dinner, whatever. I don't get why I'm seen as so abhorrent, it bothers me. It seems like a lot of effort for them to be this difficult, for no real reason. It'd be nice to sort it out, but I don't feel there is any way to move forward with them from my side, as I don't think "I can't be expected to think about what I say to people" and "you should be doing what I say, when I say it" and me not calling them mr and mrs x being "disgusting, no respect etc" are reasonable positions for them to take, and not viewpoints I can conform to.
Even though we haven't seen them for months, the whole situation just haunts me to be honest, on a daily basis, and puts strain on the relationship, as my partner is sad about it, and I have my own feelings that I've gone through on here. It's like grief in the relationship, I guess. Our time has been filled with weekends away, planning a holiday, going out, seeing friends, just keeping busy. I don't know what else we/I/she can do really. Partner has been seeing a counsillor - she suggested it, and seems to get something out of it, in terms of someone neutral to talk to, and some perspective on it from a professional, and bit of strength and self worth. She told me that the counsillor suggested that my partner is the one playing the parent role, with her Mum and Dad behaving like the children. So yeh. That's it really.
