Have to admit, I find the day to day of life hard most of the time. It feels like life is something to be endured, to get through, rather than to enjoy. Something you just graft at, for no real reason. I can't really remember the last time I felt genuinely happy to be honest, other than fleeting moments, like a good win, or a gig, or whatever. Feel pretty lonely and sad most of the time. Lost.
I do spend a lot of my time feeling exactly like you mate. Up until about 30 I was always a laid back, happy go lucky, take life as it comes kind of bloke always laughing and with a really long fuse so never got angry unless really really provoked.
Used to wake up and breathe in life, live it to the full with a smile on my face and a spring in my step.
Made a massive mistake at 30 and got someone pregnant. She was mad and I was terrified that I would not get to see my baby (she threatened this plenty of times). Crazily, I then married this woman and had another kid with her.
I am now divorced from her (2 years in August) and we have been separated for about 5 years but I spent 2 of those sleeping on the floor in the living room so the kids still had me around.
Now I have 2 lovely kids who are 7 and 8 who stay with me alternate nights, I have a great girlfriend who loves me and I love and I will marry, I have just been promoted in my job so i'm doing ok and we have a nice flat with all the stuff we would want. I don't have millions of friends but 6 or 7 good ones and I get on well with most people I meet/at work etc.
All sounds great but the problem is (and which I could never actually verbalise to someone as they would tell me to pull myself together and then tell me all the stuff I have going for me) is that somewhere down the line during the stressful situation of a very unhappy marriage and a very stressful divorce, something broke inside me and I just cannot get rid of the feeling that life is just an effort.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mope around, I don't take days off work, I laugh and joke with the kids and my gf and, apart from really shitty situations, I give the impression of everything being fine but the truth of it is that largely, I just can't be arsed any more, everything is draining and I feel like if it was out there to do then (largely) i've done it and there is nothing else to do that interests me.
I would never take my life (although it has crossed my mind) because I grew up with my dad living miles away from me so barely saw him and I would never make my kids feel that (particularly my son as i'm his hero) but it's just a constant nagging feeling of emptiness.
The only time that really lifts is a great win like Dortmund or a bet that comes in at the last minute but, other than that, mostly I find that days are just ticked off. Not depressed as such, more just disinterested and wondering what the point is.
Anyway, that's my story. All the best to those of you in the same situation (or those of you that are obviously in a much worse situation)
40 next month and there is no desire from my part to do anything to celebrate even though I dont care about being old, Im just not arsed