Author Topic: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!  (Read 2943092 times)

Offline Maggie May

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40000 on: June 22, 2015, 10:54:11 PM »
Should be put out to a wider audience on this site.

Nah.  I'm minded of a rich bitch who had been comprehensively shagged and asked *Is this is what it is to be being fucked" and the admirer says "Yes" And she says "Is this what the poor people do?"  "Well" she says" Its far too good for them"

Do not.  At your peril mods, alter the heading of this thread and encourage so as to attract gobshites.  There are some pearls which are meant not to be cast before swine.   
Rather a day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep.

I can only be nice to one person a day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
I tried being reasonable.  I didn't like it.  Old enough to know better.  Young enough not to give a fuck.

Offline JohnnoWhite

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40001 on: June 23, 2015, 05:54:30 AM »
Had tragic news today.  My personal Gurkha (who I sponsored through a scheme organised by the Welfare People) has been killed.  The second earthquake took the front of his house off and he did not survive.  This happened in May. Recause he lived in such a remote area it was not able to report this until now.  Because my dirdebs were ongoing they were transferred to another Brave Man to whom we all owe a debt of honour, and whom I am proud to sponsor

So you all better watch your fuckin arses if you cross me, 'cos I'll set my new personal Gurkha on ya.  And you would definately not like that.  Rest in peace Bravest of the Brave.  Ayo Gurkhali !!!

Ah tragic that Mags and I'm sorry for your loss. But you continue your support for another - in the proud tradition.

I remember reading a long time ago now that the Gurkha were the only tribe of people that the British army of the Raj never managed to defeat. I'm pretty sure there would be others from 150 years ago who could make similar claims but if it really was true, the British army did what the Roman legions were renowned for doing when faced with the same scenario. If you can't beat 'em invite 'em to join your army!!
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Offline 24/7

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40002 on: June 23, 2015, 07:58:04 AM »
Ayo Gurkhali !!!
Rest In Peace, Sir.

Sad news Maggie but thank you for sharing with us what you do for the Gurkhas. I have huge respect for them, having worked with quite a few of them now. Lovely people, terrible conditions with the earthquakes.
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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40003 on: June 23, 2015, 08:22:17 AM »
Nice one Missus, mwah xx
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Offline Maggie May

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40004 on: June 23, 2015, 08:43:12 AM »
Doc.  That was superb.  An absolute classic.
Rather a day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep.

I can only be nice to one person a day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
I tried being reasonable.  I didn't like it.  Old enough to know better.  Young enough not to give a fuck.

Offline Maggie May

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40005 on: June 23, 2015, 10:04:31 AM »
Many thanks for your kind messages my very best friends.  Greatly appreciated.

A couple of Gurkha stories.

In the Falklands.  Two British Officers were watching them setting off.  One spoke admiringly of these slim blokes under these huge bergans (and they are slim - like my G1 and G2 - no disrespect in saying that.  No names and no pix (tho I have both) to preserve confidentiality and dignity.  More meat on Lester Piggot's whip as my Dad was given to say).  And the other says, proud as a peacock "Yes.  They're mine.  Damned difficult holding them in though.  One whiff of action and they're off, shouting "Where the Argies""

And St James's Palace.  It also has a chapel where they parked Mad Di.  In my time it also had a Dog of the Chapel, known, in the Latin, as "Cannus Capelli" (yeah I know).  An evil lttle fucker of a Jack Russell which tried to take my fingers off and which, tho I am violently opposed to cruelty to animals, would have been greatly for the better for my boot up its arse and being thus launched to the other side of St James's Park Lake.    Now this dog hated Gurkhas.  Dunno why.  And when it is their turn to Post Guard they have to do night sentry go at St James's amongst others.  There is a main square they have to patrol which has doors leading to apartments, but inside that has a corridor to which the evil Cannus had free access.  So this wicked little sod would lie in wait, and when, in the dead of night, a Gurkha approached would go Baaaaaaaaaaaark.  And the poor Gurkha, even given their massive
Rather a day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep.

I can only be nice to one person a day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
I tried being reasonable.  I didn't like it.  Old enough to know better.  Young enough not to give a fuck.

Offline Maggie May

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40006 on: June 23, 2015, 10:17:31 AM »
restraint, would leap their height.  The first story is anecdodal but true.  The second is true from my own experience.

There is a third from when the Gurkhas were guarding Buck House but I need to check my source as he's very much Rowley Birkin QC.   ::)
Rather a day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep.

I can only be nice to one person a day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
I tried being reasonable.  I didn't like it.  Old enough to know better.  Young enough not to give a fuck.

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40007 on: June 23, 2015, 12:02:11 PM »
My Gurkha story

I was in a bar in Belize,most bars there also have a brothel at the back,anyway 5 or 6 of us RAF lads sitting at a table sharing a couple of bottles of Caribbean Rum,opposite us was a table of Gurkha's they drinking coke and all waiting their turn to go in the back rooms.

Well in walks about 10 BDF (Belizian Army) and they decide to pick a fight with the Gurkha's, well actually only one Gurkha as he took out 4 or 5 BDF and the rest ran off...     

Offline Dr. Beaker

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40008 on: June 23, 2015, 12:51:16 PM »
Well here's my Gurkha story and it comes from last Friday (I think, maybe Saturday). And this is absolute gospel.

Me mate comes into work, saying how bad it was getting home the day previous - He lives in Watford. Total gridlock, never happened before, never seen anything like it. The whole of Watford was at a standstill and instead of getting home in one hour, it took three.

So he went into his local bar, which is in a gym I believe, and  hardly anyone else drinks there except this gang of buildies. Sure enough they were in there and me mate goes over to ask them what's causing all the mayhem. One of them says, "There's some bloke in town with a Gurkha, and he's got a bag full of explosives with all wires 'angin' out of it".

Me mate thinks this builder bloke has lost the plot or something and slips away for his quiet pint.

Next day he sees the local newspaper, and guess what. The builder was telling it as it was - except it was a burqa!

http://www.watfordobserver.co.uk/news/13341762.Reaction__Man_dressed_in_a_burka_arrested_after_Market_Street_bomb_scare_in_Watford/
« Last Edit: June 23, 2015, 01:19:12 PM by Dr. Beaker »
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Offline KillieRed

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40009 on: June 23, 2015, 03:50:00 PM »
Well here's my Gurkha story and it comes from last Friday (I think, maybe Saturday). And this is absolute gospel.

Me mate comes into work, saying how bad it was getting home the day previous - He lives in Watford. Total gridlock, never happened before, never seen anything like it. The whole of Watford was at a standstill and instead of getting home in one hour, it took three.

So he went into his local bar, which is in a gym I believe, and  hardly anyone else drinks there except this gang of buildies. Sure enough they were in there and me mate goes over to ask them what's causing all the mayhem. One of them says, "There's some bloke in town with a Gurkha, and he's got a bag full of explosives with all wires 'angin' out of it".

Me mate thinks this builder bloke has lost the plot or something and slips away for his quiet pint.

Next day he sees the local newspaper, and guess what. The builder was telling it as it was - except it was a burqa!

http://www.watfordobserver.co.uk/news/13341762.Reaction__Man_dressed_in_a_burka_arrested_after_Market_Street_bomb_scare_in_Watford/

That`s weird...I was in Watford last Saturday (took kids to Harry Potter World thingy) and stayed opposite the Market. Our introduction to that fine burgh was at 1am driving down a side street to see a gang of "well lubricated" fellas chasing an Asian lad on a bike. Don`t think he was wearing a burqa though...we almost went back to Stansted.
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Offline Dr. Beaker

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40010 on: June 23, 2015, 04:24:38 PM »
That`s weird...I was in Watford last Saturday (took kids to Harry Potter World thingy) and stayed opposite the Market. Our introduction to that fine burgh was at 1am driving down a side street to see a gang of "well lubricated" fellas chasing an Asian lad on a bike. Don`t think he was wearing a burqa though...we almost went back to Stansted.
From what my mate tells me about the good burghers of Watford, you're best just keeping away from the place. In fact most of the glee he had in telling me the story, was that it confirmed just what a bunch of knuckle-draggers they are.
Scepticism is the chastity of the intellect.

Offline Harinder

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40011 on: June 23, 2015, 08:23:37 PM »
Sorry to hear about the Gurkha Maggie

There are a couple of them on security detail at my new place of work. They always greet me in Punjabi whenever they see me and get happy whenever I rattle off responses back to them

It's only been two days mind you... they may be still trying to work out if I'm to be ejected anytime soon!
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Offline Fat Scouser

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40012 on: June 24, 2015, 10:55:22 AM »
I'm in me mates, just across from Aintree Race Course. Sat and watched the fat lump kill three quarters of a bottle of whiskey last night. Sitting here, wating for him to get up, sounds like the cattle truck has pulled up in his bedroom. Fuck this, I'm off. I'll catch him when the cows have gone home. Sorry to hear about your loss Maggie. I have no Gurkha stories. But I had a few mates from Argentina, all I'll say is, they were terrified of them.
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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40013 on: June 24, 2015, 10:57:09 AM »
Oh yeah, shame John Mc's in Australia. I'm going to get off to Kirkby now, go see a few lads. But then, John's never there anyway. He should have been a Gurkha, or Kung Fu, walking the planet, leaving only spilt lager on the rice paper.
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Offline Maggie May

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40014 on: June 24, 2015, 12:02:44 PM »
More kind words my very dear friends.  For which many thanks.  Yes.  Two Falklands things.  The other Regiments of the British Army lined the sides of the QE2 to cheer them as they embarked.  And the Gurkhas were seriously narked when the Argies buggered off rather than face them. 

And I have spoken to my Rowley Birkin QC friend who confirms what he told me many years ago when we were both pickled.  The Gurkhas were on Guard on Buck House when a very pissed young man of the staff was doing the "do you know who I am" bollix which was totslly lost on the Gurkhas.  So he pushes the Gurkha.  Very Bad Idea.  The Gurkha draws his kukri.  this is major stuff.   Now drawing the kukri is a very serious thing.  If a Gurkha draws it in a non combative moment he must cut himself to satisfy the "blood thirst of the blade".  But he has been attacked and the aggressors blood must be shed.  So Rowley says can the thirst can be satisfied by a cut to the neck.  The Gurkha agrees and draws back his blade.  Now this is a thing which can behead an ox in a single stroke.  So Rowley explains what he more had in mind was a simple nick under the chin, blood running down the blade and everyone going home happy.  So they did.  Silly arse faints and everybody else goes about their business.  True story.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2015, 12:05:28 PM by Maggie May »
Rather a day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep.

I can only be nice to one person a day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
I tried being reasonable.  I didn't like it.  Old enough to know better.  Young enough not to give a fuck.

Offline Dr. Beaker

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40015 on: June 24, 2015, 12:05:48 PM »
It's Wednesday, It's 12 o'clock! And it's The World Famous Rothschilds Punch and Judy Show!


AKA PMQ's.
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Offline Dr. Beaker

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40016 on: June 24, 2015, 12:27:13 PM »
Massive disturbance in the 'House' as the disabled try to storm the chamber!
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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40017 on: June 24, 2015, 04:17:37 PM »
Btw, I got remarried this weekend.

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Offline Dr. Beaker

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40018 on: June 24, 2015, 04:27:53 PM »
Well in Sarnie lad. Congratulations!
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Offline kopite.keith

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40019 on: June 24, 2015, 04:55:37 PM »
Btw, I got remarried this weekend.



Big big congrats mate and wishes for many happy years together.

P.S. Think you got the better deal there.... ;)
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Offline 24/7

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40020 on: June 24, 2015, 06:04:15 PM »
Is she the sweet jam and you're just the butty, la? ;D Congrats!
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Offline Pheeny

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40021 on: June 24, 2015, 07:41:02 PM »
Congrats butty.

Offline Harinder

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40022 on: June 24, 2015, 09:09:47 PM »
Congratulations jambutty!
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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40023 on: June 24, 2015, 09:28:15 PM »
 ;D
Well here's my Gurkha story and it comes from last Friday (I think, maybe Saturday). And this is absolute gospel.

Me mate comes into work, saying how bad it was getting home the day previous - He lives in Watford. Total gridlock, never happened before, never seen anything like it. The whole of Watford was at a standstill and instead of getting home in one hour, it took three.

So he went into his local bar, which is in a gym I believe, and  hardly anyone else drinks there except this gang of buildies. Sure enough they were in there and me mate goes over to ask them what's causing all the mayhem. One of them says, "There's some bloke in town with a Gurkha, and he's got a bag full of explosives with all wires 'angin' out of it".

Me mate thinks this builder bloke has lost the plot or something and slips away for his quiet pint.

Next day he sees the local newspaper, and guess what. The builder was telling it as it was - except it was a burqa!

http://www.watfordobserver.co.uk/news/13341762.Reaction__Man_dressed_in_a_burka_arrested_after_Market_Street_bomb_scare_in_Watford/


 ;D ;D


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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40024 on: June 24, 2015, 10:07:06 PM »
Had some bad news last night not unexpected though my Niece was diagnosed with Terminal Bowel Cancer about 5 years ago the prognosis was a year but she is a fighter, sadly now she is in the hospice and we are talking about just days.

God i wish i had half the courage she has shown in the last few years and she is only 42, I am so proud of her.
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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40025 on: June 24, 2015, 10:11:28 PM »
Had some bad news last night not unexpected though my Niece was diagnosed with Terminal Bowel Cancer about 5 years ago the prognosis was a year but she is a fighter, sadly now she is in the hospice and we are talking about just days.

God i wish i had half the courage she has shown in the last few years and she is only 42, I am so proud of her.

Bloody hell mate thoughts are with you and your niece at this awful time.

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40026 on: June 24, 2015, 10:51:21 PM »
Thinking of you and your family Geoff.

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40027 on: June 24, 2015, 11:19:43 PM »
Had some bad news last night not unexpected though my Niece was diagnosed with Terminal Bowel Cancer about 5 years ago the prognosis was a year but she is a fighter, sadly now she is in the hospice and we are talking about just days.

God i wish i had half the courage she has shown in the last few years and she is only 42, I am so proud of her.
Awful disease Geoff, thoughts are with you and your family mate.

Offline Harinder

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40028 on: June 24, 2015, 11:36:37 PM »
Thoughts with you and yours Geoff.
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:lmao

Strip his knighthood https://submissions.epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/47770

Offline KillieRed

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40029 on: June 24, 2015, 11:39:07 PM »
Had some bad news last night not unexpected though my Niece was diagnosed with Terminal Bowel Cancer about 5 years ago the prognosis was a year but she is a fighter, sadly now she is in the hospice and we are talking about just days.

God i wish i had half the courage she has shown in the last few years and she is only 42, I am so proud of her.

Sorry for your woes Geoff.

It reminded me of a friend of mine. He married a girl who was way out of his league. They studied Divinity together, that opened my eyes to the workings of Love that I have carried since then.

Whilst the infamously tough course was not for him, She became a Minister, they had a child and he took the role of the Minister`s spouse that women must have taken for centuries.

Unfortunately she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She was a non-smoker, and had no family history of the disease. She died within the year at the same age of 42. With a small child, and no career he was made a widower and homeless soon after. A Manse needs a Minister. I`m not having a go, that`s just how it is.

I`m not a religious person. Things like this just make me think very much of the Depeche Mode lyric:

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
 But I think that God's got a sick sense of humour
 And when I die I expect to find Him laughing



"Nobody knows anything..." William Goldman.

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Offline John C

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40030 on: June 24, 2015, 11:48:50 PM »
Awful news that Geoff.

Offline Dr. Beaker

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40031 on: June 25, 2015, 12:15:31 AM »
Had some bad news last night not unexpected though my Niece was diagnosed with Terminal Bowel Cancer about 5 years ago the prognosis was a year but she is a fighter, sadly now she is in the hospice and we are talking about just days.

God i wish i had half the courage she has shown in the last few years and she is only 42, I am so proud of her.

Age and experience seem to be of little help when a family member from a younger generation is being called before their time. And the illogical guilt for surviving hangs heavy.

Thoughts are with you and your family Geoff.
Scepticism is the chastity of the intellect.

Offline Crimson_Tank

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40032 on: June 25, 2015, 01:03:27 AM »
Horrid news Geoff, thoughts are with you and yours.
A dead animal is a dead animal. And a piece of meat is a piece of meat.

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40033 on: June 25, 2015, 04:42:09 AM »
Sorry to hear that Mutton, may you find strenght in these times and give her all the love and comfort she needs.
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Offline john_mac

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40034 on: June 25, 2015, 06:20:41 AM »
Oh yeah, shame John Mc's in Australia. I'm going to get off to Kirkby now, go see a few lads. But then, John's never there anyway. He should have been a Gurkha, or Kung Fu, walking the planet, leaving only spilt lager on the rice paper.

Leo, haven't gone yet, another couple of weeks. I was actually walking the sandpaper of Oldham yesterday, such a lovely place. Think I'll be about town today, give us a shout after
We'll See Things They'll Never See

Offline Dr. Beaker

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Offline jambutty

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40036 on: June 25, 2015, 10:15:31 AM »
Soft arses.

That was me daughter.

Such a beautiful girl wouldn't have an ugly arl arse like me unless I was minted and terminal.

“Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.”

― Ronald Wright, A Short History of Progress

Offline Dr. Beaker

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40037 on: June 25, 2015, 10:56:12 AM »


Such a beautiful girl wouldn't have an ugly arl arse like me unless I was minted and terminal.


Thanks for alleviating the stress. We were all trying desperately not to say it.
Scepticism is the chastity of the intellect.

Offline jambutty

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40038 on: June 25, 2015, 12:51:57 PM »
I was waiting for one of you to say summat like "Fuck, mate, how rich ARE you?"
“Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.”

― Ronald Wright, A Short History of Progress

Offline Crimson_Tank

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Re: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread - Over 1000 Pages of Wisdom For Young Uns!
« Reply #40039 on: June 25, 2015, 01:55:56 PM »
How rich are you?
A dead animal is a dead animal. And a piece of meat is a piece of meat.