Author Topic: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread  (Read 760762 times)

Offline Johnny Foreigner

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12600 on: April 2, 2020, 10:07:12 pm »
so how are people doing ? bit shit just staying at home and no normal routine etc but cant really complain when people are dying and people losing their loved ones

in front of the tv/pc and drinking is probably not a long term strategy..

trying to get out for some walks and that is good, but a couple of more weeks gonna be challenging..

take care
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Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12601 on: April 3, 2020, 03:14:18 am »
I thought about this thread the other day. Biggest enemy of alcoholics is boredom. I hope everyone is finding a safe route for themselves amongst the boredom of lockdown.

Offline Billy The Kid

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12602 on: April 27, 2020, 08:29:43 am »
I wasn't sure whether or not to post this in here, but if I figured if it encourages someone or someone they know to seek help then it will be worth it

I woke this morning to a text from a friend of mine. One of our mutual friends was found dead yesterday. He had been drinking heavily for a number of years. He lived alone and would often withdraw from going out for weeks at a time. I took him for lunch a few weeks back and it was clear his mental health was suffering. I tried telling him that unless he changed for the better then it was only a matter of time before his body would give up. I offered to take him to AA. He agreed he would go but then reverted to drinking again and not answering his phone or front door. When I heard the news this morning my immediate reaction to myself was "why didn't you do more? You knew this was going to happen!"

Along with the sorrow of his loss, I can't help but feel an element of guilt that I didn't do more. I probably should have done more. And so if anyone reading this is concerned about a friend/family member/neighbour/whoever I urge you to act and get them the help that they need. Don't assume that someone else will. He rang me 2 weeks ago. He seemed fine on the phone. He was laughing and joking and in high spirits. Little did we know he had less than a fortnight to go. Another needless loss to this bastard fucking disease :(
“When overtaken by defeat, as you may be many times, remember than mans faith in his own ability is tested many times before he is crowned with final victory. Defeats are nothing more than challenges to keep trying.” – Napoleon Hill.

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12603 on: April 27, 2020, 08:37:36 am »
Sorry to read that Billy. Don’t beat yourself up about it though, it’s clear from reading this thread over the years that you have always gone above and beyond and always try to help others in this situation.

Offline damomad

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12604 on: April 27, 2020, 08:54:27 am »
Billy that is heartbreaking, RIP to your mate.

I'll echo what Nick said, you've always been one of the first to help people here over the years. Probably saved a few lives because of it. You can't be there for everyone, all the time but it does sound like you gave your mate some hope that he might beat the disease in his final weeks, more than anyone else would.

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Offline 24∗7

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12605 on: April 27, 2020, 09:01:36 am »
Billy, you have undoubtedly saved lives before. Sorry for the loss of your friend. Your immediate thought of could you have done more is natural. You know the answer though. I'm glad you posted it though - it's part of the process.......
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Offline The Bournemouth Red

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12606 on: April 27, 2020, 10:38:16 am »
Billy, sorry to hear this sad news.

You've always been on here helping people, but some people just don't or can't be helped. I lost a good friend four years ago to the drink. His wife had died suddenly and he just lost the will to live, I think.

We took him to his doctors, went round to his regularly, talked often, but in the end his mind was set. I, too, asked myself what more could have been done, don't let it consume you, I doubt anyone on here would think you didn't do what you could.
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Offline Son of Spion*

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12607 on: April 27, 2020, 01:20:56 pm »
Hi Billy.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

Condolences to all who knew and loved him.

To be honest, Billy, within the grief I think its natural to wonder if you did enough. I think that's a thought that crosses so many people's minds when they lose someone. It's often a very common part of the grieving process.

I know from coming into this thread over a period of time that you are a helper, a caring person, a giver. You've helped educate me on this subject before. You've helped me get more understanding and perspective on it. This has been valuable to me and I thank you for that. It's clear that you've helped a lot of people here too.

It's natural for you to feel raw at the moment and to also ask yourself if you could have done more, but th facts are that you, yourself, are very aware of the fact that you can show a horse where the water is. You can even lead him to it but, ultimately, only the horse can decide whether or not to drink.

You offered your help and your support like the fantastic human being you are. You can't kidnap people and force them to change. I know this, and you most certainly know it too.

You did do enough, Billy. But as we all know in the complex world of the human mind, human emotional and psychological problems, even doing that and going way beyond the call of duty doesn't always result in the outcome we would have liked. That's sad, it's tragic, but it's true.

Basically, it's natural to question yourself. It shows you care. But try not to cross the line where you beat yourself up and torture yourself over it.

RIP Billy's friend.

Take care Billy. You've lost a friend, but you did what you could. No one could ask for more from you.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2020, 01:25:01 pm by Sons of pioneerS »

Offline realtarragona

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12608 on: April 27, 2020, 04:57:33 pm »
Billy, it’s been almost five years since I stopped drinking. From the brink of divorce, losing everything and who knows what worse than that, I’m now happier than ever and me and my wife had a second boy just over a year ago. Without doubt your posts (along with many others) helped significantly when I was trying to stop. So I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say you played your part in turning my life around and I’ll forever be grateful for you (and this thread in general). So don’t beat yourself up too much, unfortunately you can’t help everyone, especially as is so common with alcohol, when they don’t want your help.

Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12609 on: April 27, 2020, 05:52:50 pm »
Terrible news Billy.

It is a very sad things when it seems its start to go downhill with someone it is both the body in bad shape and clearly some serious depression as well. Carl seemed the same. He took advice and did change but could never seem to stick to it.

I would imagine you helped him in some way and in his head he knew that at least someone cared enough to call him a couple of weeks ago.

Short of knocking the door in, there is not much that we can do when a mature adult has pretty much given up trying.

You have genuinely helped a lot of people.  Me included.

Thanks for everything that you do.


Offline Billy The Kid

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12610 on: April 27, 2020, 07:08:48 pm »
Thank you all for the kind words. I appreciate it greatly. I suppose its the shock of it that makes you question if you could have done more  :-\

“When overtaken by defeat, as you may be many times, remember than mans faith in his own ability is tested many times before he is crowned with final victory. Defeats are nothing more than challenges to keep trying.” – Napoleon Hill.

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12611 on: May 14, 2020, 01:53:41 pm »
I'm a bit late here but my sincere condolences, Billy. I hope he's in a better place now.

I hope you're all doing good in this period of time.

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12612 on: August 31, 2020, 06:35:20 pm »
Happy Birthday up there, Carl. I hope you're annoying the fuck out of all the passed Man. U, Manchester City and CSKA London fans today!!  :scarf

Offline 24∗7

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12613 on: August 31, 2020, 07:16:28 pm »
Happy Birthday up there, Carl. I hope you're annoying the fuck out of all the passed Man. U, Manchester City and CSKA London fans today!!  :scarf
Just came in here to extend similar sentiments.

Turn the fuckin music up, ya bad bellend :wave
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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12614 on: August 31, 2020, 07:21:27 pm »
Happy Birthday up there, Carl. I hope you're annoying the fuck out of all the passed Man. U, Manchester City and CSKA London fans today!!  :scarf

Made them all watch the documentaries on us.


Offline Billy The Kid

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12615 on: December 24, 2020, 10:18:29 am »
Just said I'd pop in to say merry Christmas to all the regulars of the thread.

It's strange that even after being sober for as long as I have, I still get urges to get absolutely blotto at Christmas

So far so good though. Hope you're all safe and keeping well!
“When overtaken by defeat, as you may be many times, remember than mans faith in his own ability is tested many times before he is crowned with final victory. Defeats are nothing more than challenges to keep trying.” – Napoleon Hill.

Offline AndyInVA

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12616 on: December 24, 2020, 12:29:52 pm »
Hi everyone. I thought about this thread recently as well. It is weird but I also get that feeling. I really want to go out and buy a bottle of vodka and drink most of it in one sitting on my own and try to get the 'want to just a lose a day to booze' feeling out of my head. Things have changed for me so much since I first started posting in this thread but that self destructive tendency still sits there in the back of my mind, thankfully a long way back these days.

I wish every one well and I hope we can get through Christmas happy and safe.

Offline 24∗7

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12617 on: December 24, 2020, 01:00:46 pm »
Hi all, hope you're well. 8 avoid most of the usual Xmas threads or sites. Fuckin hate this time of year, but that's me.


Just sharing one of the ways that I tend to stay sober during these times and that's volunteering to be the designated driver. My sense of responsibility stops me having even one tipple then.
"Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom." - Rabindranath Tagore.

Offline McrRed

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12618 on: December 24, 2020, 04:51:14 pm »
Xmas is the shittiest time of the year for a.lot of people and that's without a pandemic.

Hope you're all well and sending prayers (and positive energy) to each and every one of you! x

Offline 24∗7

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12619 on: January 31, 2021, 01:08:16 pm »
How are youse all doing?

Dry January is almost over........for those doing it.

Some of you, especially Billy the Kid, might remember me proudly announcing I'd realised I was hitting it too hard back in Jan 2018 and pledged to have a dry month - my birthday's on Jan 1st so I always had an issue with Dry January, see, so I thought I was doing something boss.

Well, Billy quite rightly called me out on going for the shortest month and said he wouldn't be impressed with anything less than three months..........bastard.........so I took him up on it - which wasn't easy at times - but I persisted and did it. Changed many things in my life......

I've had some more recent life upheavals, some heavy emotional shit to deal with and have had to face down some demons again, some new, others the old familiars I'd thought I'd dealt with - so this year I've decided I need a clear head again and, having missed Dry January, have decided to repeat Billy the Kid's Three Month Challenge.

I hope that, one day, I will never feel the urge to have a drink again - I'd like to reach a point where I not only don't want one but actively recoil at the thought. Maybe it'll be this year, who knows?

One thing is for sure - from May 2018 until last Xmas, I had a much better, healthier, 'responsible' relationship with booze - but I could feel it slowly slipping away - and putting on 5kgs over xmas/new year (okay, the gyms were shut but still I'm not totally stupid, I know what I was doing.........!) reminded me of the benefits of going zero.

If anyone's interested in joining me, I'm happy to go into an Accountability Buddy arrangement, with regular check-ins and support if either is struggling.

Love and light, my friends.

(In loving memory of that mad twat Carl.)
"Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom." - Rabindranath Tagore.

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12620 on: January 31, 2021, 01:13:45 pm »
Good luck to you... Great idea
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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12621 on: February 3, 2021, 09:28:04 am »
How are youse all doing?

Dry January is almost over........for those doing it.

Some of you, especially Billy the Kid, might remember me proudly announcing I'd realised I was hitting it too hard back in Jan 2018 and pledged to have a dry month - my birthday's on Jan 1st so I always had an issue with Dry January, see, so I thought I was doing something boss.

Well, Billy quite rightly called me out on going for the shortest month and said he wouldn't be impressed with anything less than three months..........bastard.........so I took him up on it - which wasn't easy at times - but I persisted and did it. Changed many things in my life......

I've had some more recent life upheavals, some heavy emotional shit to deal with and have had to face down some demons again, some new, others the old familiars I'd thought I'd dealt with - so this year I've decided I need a clear head again and, having missed Dry January, have decided to repeat Billy the Kid's Three Month Challenge.

I hope that, one day, I will never feel the urge to have a drink again - I'd like to reach a point where I not only don't want one but actively recoil at the thought. Maybe it'll be this year, who knows?

One thing is for sure - from May 2018 until last Xmas, I had a much better, healthier, 'responsible' relationship with booze - but I could feel it slowly slipping away - and putting on 5kgs over xmas/new year (okay, the gyms were shut but still I'm not totally stupid, I know what I was doing.........!) reminded me of the benefits of going zero.

If anyone's interested in joining me, I'm happy to go into an Accountability Buddy arrangement, with regular check-ins and support if either is struggling.

Love and light, my friends.

(In loving memory of that mad twat Carl.)

Nigh swan, Jim! Fingers crossed here... :scarf

Offline Billy The Kid

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12622 on: February 8, 2021, 08:10:36 pm »
That's great to hear Jim. Good on you. Keep us posted on your progress!

“When overtaken by defeat, as you may be many times, remember than mans faith in his own ability is tested many times before he is crowned with final victory. Defeats are nothing more than challenges to keep trying.” – Napoleon Hill.

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12623 on: February 8, 2021, 08:17:53 pm »
That's great to hear Jim. Good on you. Keep us posted on your progress!
Thanks Billy!

I knew something was up when I was getting through a bottle of Spiced Rum every 2 days......slippery slope that. Also, when the gym re-opened, I was horrified to see I'd put on 7kgs over xmas/new year. Fuck THAT!!  ::)

Just posted this on FB:

"Week 1 of the 3 month teetotal challenge, plus 1 day a week in Feb as a vegan.

Success on both fronts!

The food thing - it's surprisingly good - have found a block of 'fake' cheddar, as good as any ordinary one, which is great (grate! haha!) and also a fake cheese spread which is better than Philadelphia and not much more expensive 🙂

As for the zero alcohol thing, I had a couple of reminders of how times will test me on that one - watching my team lose at football twice when sober is, well, sobering.......also, other trigger points, like being on me tod on a Friday night when in the past I'd be on the lash with colleagues and friends.......

How to get past these? Self-discipline? Not always - just self-love and reminding myself why I'm doing it....

Top Tip - look in the mirror in your birthday suit and see the wobbly bits you're working hard at losing cos you want to be healthier and fitter 🤔🤣

Bye, bye love handles and cake belly! ❣

Week 2 starts tomorrow. 83 days to go."
"Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom." - Rabindranath Tagore.

Offline unclebob

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12624 on: February 8, 2021, 10:02:17 pm »
Good on you Jim, don't get on here much these days but I pop in now and again. I sure like a lot of the lads on here past and present we know how hard that it can be. Good on you for sticking at it.
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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12625 on: February 15, 2021, 04:33:28 pm »
How to get past these? Self-discipline? Not always - just self-love and reminding myself why I'm doing it....


Yeah, I always find having a wank distracts me from my troubles, too.

 ;)
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Offline 24∗7

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12626 on: February 15, 2021, 10:16:12 pm »

Yeah, I always find having a wank distracts me from my troubles, too.

 ;)

Haha you loon! Lie down on your arm for an hour, then do it - feels like someone else then.........

Week Two - feeling great! I remember last time I did this having bad cravings at first - not getting them this time - I guess my lifestyle and circumstances are much better (in relative terms, not material ones - which is also significant - meaning I've let go of a lot previous attachments to things and stuff.........fuck, I'm either getting old or going almost full zen.............om mani padme hum <3 )
"Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom." - Rabindranath Tagore.

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12627 on: February 15, 2021, 11:20:00 pm »
Thank you all for the kind words. I appreciate it greatly. I suppose its the shock of it that makes you question if you could have done more  :-\



Really sorry to hear that and I've been in a similar situation.

You wish you could have 'said this' or 'done that' but really their mind is made up.

Sorry for your loss, but as people said don't blame yourself. Nothing you could have done other than what you tried to do..
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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12628 on: February 15, 2021, 11:22:59 pm »
As for myself, as people have said - it's the not going out, it's the not seeing friends, it's having nothing to do and nowhere to go.

No holidays, no pictures, no restaurants, no ale houses, no real fun apart from what you try so hard to make for yourself.

Recognising that I'm so pissed off and bored with it that the slipperly slope beckons for us all.

On that theme, I'm taking the whole of this 40 days to try and get a little fitter and a little less fatter.. I find it pretty easy to give stuff up if I've decided and like everyone, put loads of weight on through just not moving around and doing stuff that you'd normally be doing.
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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12629 on: February 19, 2021, 11:28:25 pm »
I'm getting really worried by my sister's excess drinking but I've no idea how or if I can help her as like most addicts she doesn't believe or think she has a problem.

She's been drinking pretty much every day/night for the best part of 40yrs now.  It's mainly wine, at least a bottle every day but also gin if she can afford it.

She's been on her own for nearly 25yrs and never really had any responsibility for bills, rent or mortgage or a job as she's always been self employed and lived in a caravan at my parents since her divorce all those years ago.

Thing is we've now sold the property so although she's got a decent sum of money in the bank she's pretty much homeless, splitting her time between our brothers in Wales and my niece's near Southport.

She refuses to make plans or discuss her options and keeps putting off doing anything with ridiculous excuses.

She's pretty much unconscious and in bed by 8 or 9pm but then wide awake from 2/3ish playing candy crush or solitaire on her laptop once the alcohol has worn off, till eventually she drops off to sleep until mid morning.

How do we help her to see the damage she's doing, not just to her life but her kids and grandkids who spend their lives worrying about her?

How do you help someone who doesn't want help or think that they need help?

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12630 on: February 20, 2021, 06:51:05 am »
Debs it sounds like she's stuck in a numbing routine as the result of emotional trauma, possibly caused by the divorce, can't be sure. She seems though to have created her own world of dependency, centred around the caravan and wine. Right now she might be in fear - it's very hard to reach people who are afraid.......

As much as the drinking could be a worry (I'm not sure of the effect of a bottle of wine a day is having, but it can't be doing any good!!!!!), I'm more concerned right now about her potential state of mind - which in itself could fuel further numbing activity - alcohol dependency and obsessive gaming/phone use/not interacting with others much beyond a superficial level are all tactics to avoid facing a reality and her reality just changed so her subconscious mind is telling her to protect herself by not discussing options.

Other will have their own suggestions here - mine is to see if you can at least persuade her to run a basic health check, at least on the basis of her environment having changed. Running some basic bloods/urine with her GP should give indications of things like liver condition or could reveal signs of any long-term damage done, say to kidneys or liver. This  might be a wake up call.

Apart from that, sorry to say there's not a great deal you can do for someone who does not want to be helped. There are techniques for so-called "interventions" and I'm sure there are some people here with experience of that. If I knew how an intervention worked, I'd say - but I dont......it's one option open though.
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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12631 on: February 20, 2021, 09:37:46 am »


Debs it sounds like she's stuck in a numbing routine as the result of emotional trauma.

Thanks for your comments Jim, they've been helpful and enlightening.

I've heard about how things like the sudden loss of a loved one, divorce or any personal upheaval can cause strange behaviour like triggering a hoarding addiction.  I saw that with my mum throughout my life and put it down to the loss of both her parents within 2wks of each other when we were little.

She left her husband as he was controlling and abusive, both physically and verbally, usually triggered after he'd been drinking yet they've remained very close to the point of having family holidays together and her helping him decorate, tile and landscape the garden of his new house. 

She's always found talking about stuff hard, she drives me nuts just trying to have a normal conversation with her as she's never still or sits down.  I've always thought the constant need to be busy is due to her not wanting time to realise where her life is.  Like sticking fingers in her ears so she doesn't have to hear anything she doesn't want to.

As for the doctor's, my niece told me she hasn't even changed her address for anything since the house was sold.  Car insurance, drivers licence or doctors are still registered at my parents address so she's not even going to get her letter for her vaccination though in theory she doesn't have a permanent address now anyway.

I'll do some research on the interventions, see if there's something we could possibly use.

Thanks again for the insights, it's been helpful.

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Re: Alcohol Issues - The Carl van Riel Memorial Thread
« Reply #12632 on: February 23, 2021, 09:13:02 am »
Hi Debs. Sorry to hear that your sister is struggling. Jim pretty much covered everything I was going to say. In my experience as a member of AA, people who suffer from this disease are generally those who endured some form of trauma in their past. Instead of dealing with it, most alcoholics suppress it, which in turn causes the type of behaviour your sister is displaying. Their whole life becomes an exercise in burying their head in the sand and not wanting to face up to reality

I would suggest that you attempt a family intervention. However, when making your approach, don't open with "we want to talk about your drinking". Open with "we'd like to talk to you about [insert traumatic event that caused her drinking]". Start there. See if you can initiate discussion on the trauma and assure her that your only intention is to help her address it. If you can do that much then you'll have made a good start. From there she may do something about the drinking herself.

Keep us posted. Good luck!
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