Following on from the recent nationwide poll where Manchester Utd were voted our biggest rivals, all I can say is ....
MY ARSE !!!!
Who else woke up this morning, the euphoria of the Cup win, planted well in the back of the memory banks, the rivalry with the "Woodentops" right at the forefront of your thinking? The Derby atmosphere will not start on Saturday, for most it will begin today.
Whether sitting in work or sitting at home, the battle commences today. My first waking thought today was to ring my bluenose cousin. And I will the second all my thoughts are composed. First of all I must try and guess every comment he's likely to raise. Then I'll compose a retort.
This is not a new thing it's been going on since we were 5. Usually it ends with one of us slamming the phone down. Sad considering we only ring each other twice a year, cup draws apart. There is only a matter of a few months between us in age; he is 47 (ugly bluenose old fart) and I'm a sprightly 46. We're like two kids we always have been. As I said we only speak twice a year, because neither of us will answer the phone after the game. Childish? Yes, but it's always been part of the derby build up.
I have absolutely no doubt that after lunch today the phone will start ringing with all the old reprobates looking for the usual fiver bet. Yes they will ask for the draw, they always do. Yes I will tell them to shove the draw where the sun don't shine as I always do. You see this is where we win from the outset - they have so little faith they NEED the draw to get anything out of it.
When Lynn comes home tonight, the first words out of her mouth will be "How Much"? The usual answer is not much more than twenty or thirty quid. Her comment?
"What sort of fan are yer, I've took FORTY!"
I swear over the last few years she's getting worse than me. Lynn started work this morning at 5.30am, she works with only four Woodentops, I would lay odds with anyone that by 5.55am she will have struck all the bets, had at least four rows and the day hasn't even started for most. Sitting here writing this I'm aching and itching for my first verbal battle of the day. It'll come, it always does.
How can anyone possibly compare this to playing the Mancs? Some of the Manc fans don't come out till 30 mins before kick off and most only turn up after the game in their replica tops "If they win". At least the bluenoses will fight their corner in any verbal banter that ensues today.
Just take a quick look around you now, there is bound to be a blue somewhere near you. Does he look up for it? Go and ask him does he want to start the debate now or does he need time to prepare all the usual bullshit. Expect a dig at Ged. Expect a dig if you've been seen to have your doubts this season. As each day passes this week the tension will rise. Each day some bitter will approach you with a snide comment. By the time Friday comes most of the debates will have finished, the nerves will have set in on both sides. You will avoid each others glances, it's too late now. You've got to rely on the lads on the pitch to do all the talking now.
For anyone who is going to their first ever derby, let me warn you. You are likely to lose a good stone in sweat. Your heart beat will increase by a minimum of 33%, not just when they get close to our area, but when they get the ball in their own half. Your love of the game and usual comments like, "good ball", "great save" "nice play", "play it wide" will all be there nestled in the back of your mind. The problem is it's a derby, your mouth knows it and takes control.
"Kick the fat Bastard" ... "Fuck off you bitter twats" ... "Yer fuckin' jokin ref" ... "Get him" ... "What the fuck? NUT HIM Jamie"
It's no wonder some of the clergy who go the game, think more than half the crowd have just been possessed by Beelzeebub himself. The only exorcism that works on these days are goals. And this is where the gay community thinks its luck has changed as we turn from Old Nick into Freddie Mercury and start huggin' and kissin' everyone within five yards. Whether you know them or not.
A goal in a derby game is celebrated at least FIVE times longer than any other. I bet the game has kicked back off long before you've finished and sat back down.
Are you happy after the goal? Yer avin' a laugh, even if you're THREE up in a derby, yer still panicking every time they get the ball.
Beelzeebub returns.
"How can you call that a foul? it wasn't even neck high" ... "Stick him in row 8 Sami" ... "Av 'im Stevie" ... "Oh you dirty bunch of bastards"
All being well the whistle will go when we have at least one more goal than them. Feeling? Yer know when you've had a gallon of beer and you finally head to the stone in the bogs ...... aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Your head will be banging like the worst hangover in yer life, but ...... back off to the pub you go with all the mates. Some even get so drunk they phone the missus and say "fancy coming here love with all the lads"?
There are many responses to that question, far too many to list. But they are usually all negative. Can you blame her?
or, and it's the worst OR in the world ...
Will it be our turn to sit in the bedroom with no lights on. Or sit down stairs watchin the telly with the missus, with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. If you've got a missus like mine, you'll look like twins. If she's not a footy fan, will she dare ask
Are we going out tonight? Or how long have I gotta look at that face?
And you know worse is yet to come .... Sunday all the bluenoses will be waiting for yer in the local. And even worse ... you've gotta go to work Monday (I bet Merseyside has a massive increase in sickies after a derby).
And you seriously wanna compare that with a 90 minute game against the Mancs? Yer avin' a fuckin' laugh mate!
© Wooltonian 2004
5 days to go and no control over me bowels already!
