Topic: How do you cope with watching your parents getting older?

[fowlermagic]

Every morning I see my mum eat her breakfast, watch the morning news and sit down in her usual spot where she will watch another day go by. Her days of living life are past her it seems especially with this damn covid and just struggling through another day is the norm. The smiles and laughter is a lot less which sees to be the norm as you age as seen it in my Dad who had Parkinson's disease so he definitely was ready to go when his time was here. Likewise with the uncles and aunts who are no longer with us as the urge to live each day as if it was your last sounds great when young & active but when you are a shadow of yourself by the time you turn 80 and putting socks on is an achievement then just living is a bonus.

I have lost count how often I have asked Mum to jump in the car and just go for a wee drive, visit her brother a few miles down the road, get outside and enjoy the sun if there is any warmth in the day. Covid sure is not helping as it adds misery to days that are short, cold and dull. The least I can do is make sure the fire is kept going, coffee is at hand and meals are served on time to help but as every year goes bye the realisation these dull days will be no more some day when a parent is gone. Its then I will realise I had it good even during Covid as Mum was still here and why I should keep asking her lets go for a spin while we still can.

[gamble]

Old age is absolutely brutal. Heartbreaking when you realise your loved ones can do less and less. I lost my Dad in 2019, fell ill the night of our champions league win and never came back.

What I learnt from experience from caring for my Dad especially is, check their hearing. Our hearing and vision gets worse as we get older, so as they hear less they contribute less to conversations and get confused. Once they start speakig less and less it's really worrying.

They have to keep moving too. Balance and falls are a big issue with the elderly. There are a range of walking aids that can help walking, and taking a breather when out (eg.Rollator, Mobility walker). I see elderly people in the queues outside now and wish they had one of those aids to help take the strain off.

Also three critical things - hydration, sleep and nutrition. As they get older if anyone of these things decreases can knock their balance right off. Keep them hydrated if no water restrictions and they tend to go off food as they get older so is a real job getting decent nutrition in them.

Hope this helps somebody.

[ToneLa]

One day at a time. My dad is showing signs of dementia, can't remember anything, gets up in the middle of the night to go shopping, forgets things like if he's had the covid jab, bursts into tears randomly

GP is sort of... not there. I spoke to a locum who said blood test but yeah it sounds like dementia. I don't know what GPs do all day, but we need a face to face to discuss it. He is deteriorating in front of my eyes.

How do I cope? I guess I put my energy into other things. But really, the answer is will.

The thing about worry. You know when you panic or worry or fret? Why do you always forget how strong you are? It's like a nightmare: you forget you exist and become entirely passive. Whereas in the moment, when it comes, you are anything but  (and when you're not, the trick is to be fluid, like water - accept the unchangable)

I find when problems arise if I deal with them in the moment I can deal with all of them. It only seems hard when you look at the entire scenario, when in reality, things tend to happen in little pockets, or even one big devastating event - that's managable

Can I process the enormity of what will happen to my dad including how I will feel in the future? Nope.
Why should I? I'll deal with it like I do everything else: as and when the time comes. We are stuck right now, my sisters are going to help, but right now it's all about the day to day.

[Slippers]

This is a tricky one for me as my mother was one of those people who seemed old in her forties.My father was on the autistic spectrum,very difficult to live with and I think being with him just drained the life out of her.All she could talk about was being free when he died.

Eventually she decided that death was preferable to life with him and well,I'm sure you can guess the rest.


My father on the other hand was still walking up to seven miles a day at the age of eighty five.He got himself a girlfriend after my mother died and had the time of his life.He never lost his appetite for life and if it hadn't been for dementia I reckon he'd still be pounding the pavements eight hours a day and rocking up at our place twice a week asking me if I wanted him to cut the grass.

[Jono69]

Growing up I always thought my parents would be around forever and never really thought otherwise

Both now in their 70s and covid has hit them hard as they have always been very active going to different places

My dad has the usual aches and pains that most do i would imagine but in relative good health , he was brought up to show no emotion and keep things to himself so he is very difficult to read .Still not fully retired but  this is more from what do i do all day perspective

My Mum has really been in the wars the last 5 plus years , bringing washing in and got some bedding wrapped around her legs and fell into the wall of the house and really badly smashed her shoulder in , heart attack a few years ago so has a multitude of tablets everyday , her mind has been very going as well for a number of years

[rob1966]

Lost my Ma to cancer in 2007, she was on 61, don't speak to my Dad as he's a bellend.

My Stepdad is 79, 80 in August. He lives in Southport, so cannot go and see him, last saw him Christmas 2019, so me and our kid ring him often, to make sure he is OK and have a chat. He's always been active, still goes the gym, pub with his mates, cycles and does his gardens, but he's having issues with his arteries hardening in his legs. He was going to get a gardener in but he's decided to carry on - I had a chat with him last Saturday and got the point across that he needs to stay active or he'll seize up. First chance I get, when allowed to, I'm going to drive over to see him.

@ToneLa - sorry to hear about that, Dementia is a c*nt of a disease. Father in Law had it and her Ma has it now too. Should be allowed to end their lives when it gets to a certain point, her Dad spent the last 14 months of his life sitting in a room in a nursing home laughing at the man in the door handle, it was his reflection and he didn't even know it. Her Ma just lies in bed all day, its no life.

[kloppismydad]

Balance and falls are a big issue with the elderly.

I dealt with this recently, unfortunately. My grandmother fell and had trouble getting her strength back. She had difficulty getting to the bathroom to relieve herself, so I would wake up at odd morning hours to help her. Suddenly, one day, her speech started slurring, and we rushed her to the hospital to realise she had suffered a brain stroke. Now she is bedridden and requires being fed by hand three times a day and being given water when she needs it. It's a painful situation for her as she hates being dependent and does not wish to trouble anyone with her health.

My parents themselves are 60+. Father suffers from hypertension and chronic back issues, while my mother has problems with her sight and knees. I can only imagine how difficult it may potentially get from here-on, but I have taken a conscious decision to work from home indefinitely. I'm mighty grateful for my father working with the government previously, which provides him, my mother and my grandmother with pretty much unlimited health benefits. It's a significant financial load off our heads in case something happens.

[Crosby Nick]

My parents are early 70s. My dad is diabetic but they both keep fairly active. Have barely seen them in the last year but they’ve moved closer to us now so will hopefully see them soon and be around more as and when they get older and healthy deteriorates.

My in-laws are a little older. Both retired a few years ago at the same time. Father in law is very active, does a lot of DIY jobs etc that keeps him busy and alert. Mother in law has retired badly is say. Doesn’t have many hobbies. Has had a couple of knee replacement ops but doesn’t walk much now and her memory is going quite badly. Definite early signs of dementia I think which she ignores to deal with. Most of her family are close by so at least we can share the load a bit when needed.

[Slippers]

Lost my Ma to cancer in 2007, she was on 61, don't speak to my Dad as he's a bellend.

My Stepdad is 79, 80 in August. He lives in Southport, so cannot go and see him, last saw him Christmas 2019, so me and our kid ring him often, to make sure he is OK and have a chat. He's always been active, still goes the gym, pub with his mates, cycles and does his gardens, but he's having issues with his arteries hardening in his legs. He was going to get a gardener in but he's decided to carry on - I had a chat with him last Saturday and got the point across that he needs to stay active or he'll seize up. First chance I get, when allowed to, I'm going to drive over to see him.

@ToneLa - sorry to hear about that, Dementia is a c*nt of a disease. Father in Law had it and her Ma has it now too. Should be allowed to end their lives when it gets to a certain point, her Dad spent the last 14 months of his life sitting in a room in a nursing home laughing at the man in the door handle, it was his reflection and he didn't even know it. Her Ma just lies in bed all day, its no life.

My father ended up in a nursing home.He spent the last six weeks of his life lying in bed writhing and moaning,terrified of something only he could see.I couldn't even hold his hand because he'd scream every time I touched him.

[rob1966]

My father ended up in a nursing home.He spent the last six weeks of his life lying in bed writhing and moaning,terrified of something only he could see.I couldn't even hold his hand because he'd scream every time I touched him.

Its awful, I would not wish that on anyone.

[stoa]

My parents are still "youngish", if you take into account that I'll turn 41 this year. My mum is 65 and my dad will be 62 in a couple of days. He's still working, while my mum is retired, and they both are still basically like when I was much younger. So, I don't really have to cope with them getting older yet, but even at that age you notice the little things that aren't as they used to be, like with my mum who is slightly more forgetful than she used to be. Like she will light herself a cigarette, put that in the ashtray and then quickly do something else and the cigarette will just stay where she put it until going or burning out. Or that she's much less tolerant of other people or kids shouting in the yard and stuff. Not that she'll open a window and have a go at them, but she'll be complaining about those "stupid kids" and stuff. She didn't do that as much when she was younger. So far, those things are not hard to deal with, but they still remind you that they are getting older and that there will be changes.

It was much worse with my grandfather who spent his last five to ten years or so in an retirement home after living with us before that. It just got to the point where it wasn't an option having him spend most of the day at home alone without someone being there should he fall or forget that he turned on the oven or something like that. He was very active before that, going for walks or even doing some shopping, so going to that retirement home was hard for him, especially as he didn't really like spending time with most of the people there and doing the stuff they were doing like handicrafts or shite like that. Once I had returned from studying away from where my family lives, I basically visited him once a week. WIth him it was much harder seeing him get older, because it was much more obvious. He'd fall, he'd forget things, he'd need help in the bathroom and all those things that are a result of getting older. The worst experience was when shortly before his death, he was only laying in bed all day not being able to speak. I only saw him like that once, because shortly afterwards he died, but that was a horrible experience. So, in a way I am kind of glad that he didn't have to spend too much time in that state, but it was not nice seeing him go from being an active pensioner to someone who barely realises what's going on around him.

[Qston]

I have noticed little things with my Dad (75). He as fit as a fiddle as he has always walked miles every day and used to run marathons. In fact he is embarrassingly probably fitter than me. That said, in his own mind he is 30 years younger and doesn`t take into account the fact that he isn`t as steady or strong as he thinks he is. He has started showing signs of parkinsons with a hand that shakes more often, dropping things randomly and just showing little signs of something not being right. He has fallen a few times which is something he has never done before. My mum (70) has noticed all this, but my Dad is like many people of that generation, and in fairness ours, where he thinks he knows best, won`t take advice and is stubborn when it comes to attending the GP. God love him, he is the type that when he occasionally turns up at the GP he tells the GP what's wrong with him ! He leaves issues too long so that they become a bigger problem. It is selfish actually but he won`t change. They are 50 years married in May and he is devoted to my Mum. In fact when something is serious I tell her to say to him "do this for me", and then he will reluctantly get something seen to but even that is a grind.

He is also a born worrier. He has lived with anxiety all his life and we used to see as kids the affects of that. Nothing violent or anything like that, and myself and my siblings love him to pieces, but he had a very short fuse. Retirement hasn`t changed that and he would never even contemplate getting help with something that in his heart of hearts he knows is right.

I really do get the sentiment of the OP. You see your parents slowly but surely fading, you spot things that they ignore because you are attuned to it and have a more objective view. It is hard to watch but that's life. Covid has exacerbated all this.

[Nobby Reserve]

10 years ago, I found it remarkable how young and vibrant my parents still acted and looked. My dad was 74 and mum 70. Both had great and active lives. My mum had some issues with her hips (by that time had had both replaced) but otherwise great; her and her best friend would have regular shopping days and the odd city break; my dad played golf 2 or 3 time a week and would be at the social club he was secretary of 3 or 4 nights, and he'd have the odd golfing/pissup weekend away with 'the lads'. He had a huge social circle. They looked after our daughters when needed in holidays as well as picking them up from school a day a week because they adored having them. They two of them had days out and holidays together as well.

My mum's best mate died suddenly in 2013 and it hit her hard. My mum doesn't drive but Molly did, everywhere, so her no longer being with us stopped a lot of my mum's social life. Soon after, my older brother was diagnosed with terminal throat cancer. He lasted 13 months more, declining hard throughout (couldn't speak for the last 9 months).

Both deaths hit my mum hard. Her and my brother clashed a lot; both fiery, and he had that 'the world hates me' attitude as well. But mothers and sons, eh? She stopped going to the club with my dad or to other do's where she knew she'd be asked 'Oh, how you coping?'.

I think all that helped trigger the onset of dementia. You notice subtle things first, and want to dismiss them. But my wife's mum was well down the Alzheimers track by then so you get to know the little signs.

My dad soldiered on; he has that old fashioned stoicism, and an ability to shove his head firmly in the sand.

I stepped up, and calling them every evening on my drive home became a thing (if I forgot or had something on, I'd get a concerned phone call: "everything alright, son... only you've not called")

I was always the calmer one, the 'favourite' (because I'd make sure to keep my own dickheadery away from them; they don't know the half). I did the normal things - get a decent job, settle down, buy a house, get married, have kids. They have always doted on their grandkids, and still say repeatedly how me and them helped them get through all that tough couple of years.

But the last few years have seen a major decline in both of them. My mum was finally diagnosed with Alzheimers in November after my dad had put off for way too long doing something about it (I had to step in and sort an assessment out behind the scenes because my mum refused to consider she had any issue and would get aggressive if it was brought up). She's pretty far down the track herself now, and my dad is caring for her, but it's taking a massive toll on him. He's aged a decade in the past 2/3 years. She has become pretty nasty at times, then will switch to being sickly-nice in an instant. It's not her. But that doesn't make it any easier.

Looking after her is driving my dad into the ground and my fear is that it's going to kill him. Yet they won't consider getting any help in - not even a cleaner. Mostly because my mum refuses to accept she has any problem. He's only 6' (well, about 5'10" now), but I always saw him as a giant of a man despite being taller than him for a good few years. Now he seems diminished and beaten.

From the start of Covid, we've continued to see them. At first I was doing their shopping and dropping it off, socially distancing. Then they started calling here to collect it and they'd stay in the car whilst I put the shopping in the boot, but have a chat with us all from a distance for 10/15 mins. Then, as summer came and infection rates subsided, social distancing gradually disappeared and it's stayed that way since. Not being able to see them normally and hug them was doing more harm than good. We all say it's a support bubble but....

I still have to phone them every day, too. The conversation with my mum just goes round the same things every time, several times a call. It's heartbreaking, but you have to build that emotional wall.

My mother-in-law died of a non-Alzheimers cause before she quite got to the stage of not recognising us. I'm at the point where I think a similar end would be best for my mum. It's tempting to think that would help my dad, but I think her death would see him off, too.

They're (nearly) 80 and 84. Two people I thought would go on forever, now looking frail and frightened.

We don't get nearly enough time alive.

[rob1966]

I met the missus just before I turned 40, she was 37, so our kids are now 10 and 12 with parents who are 51 and 54. I wish I could have had them when I was younger, but the main thing I want them to be is happy and have happy memories of childhood.

I'm currently trying to get fit again so that they don't have a knackered Dad is his 60's.

[AlphaDelta]

Some truly heartbreaking stories on here.

I lost my mum just on two years ago, she was 69 and one night at home she had a stroke. I recognised what had happened almost immediately, phoned the ambulance, blue lights and sirens all the way to Whiston Hospital. She was conscious and reasonably alert when we arrived and when I left her that night (the consultant and doctors said I couldn't stay on the ward with her and they would ring if anything changed). It transpires that later in the early hours of the morning, mum had a second, massive stroke. They never told me about it, I phoned the hospital at 6am the next morning and was told, "your mum has had a restless night, doctor will explain to you". When I arrived within the hour she was unconscious and never woke up.

I spent all day sat at her bedside, nurses coming and going, checking this, testing that. I kept asking them, when is the doctor coming round? Can someone tell me how she is? They eventually told me that the doctor had gone off duty for the day, I naively thought that if he'd gone without speaking to me, it must not be as bad as I feared. I even told some of my relatives to go and get a coffee or something to eat. I pointed out to a nurse that nobody had told me a thing, she told me she'd get someone to speak to me. This doctor, probably the same age as me, came over, pulled up a chair and gently told me that my mum had a 50/50 chance of survival, and that even if she did survive she would be practically brain dead. It was like getting hit in the face with a sledgehammer.

I'd always worried about her health because I'm a natural worrier. It was only me and my mum at home, a single child, raised by a single parent. She literally doted on me and we had a wonderful mother and son relationship.

My mum had the stroke on Wednesday night and by the early hours of Sunday she had gone. In the subsequent two years I've been through every emotion possible, had counselling, the works, but in the fullness of time I've come to be grateful for a few things. I'm grateful I was with her when it happened, I'm grateful she didn't suffer (I asked some stroke specialists), because I didn't want her to be on her own and frightened, but most of all, and this might sound odd or even selfish, I'm grateful my mum didn't spend the rest of her days brain dead.

I know the old saying is you are supposed to outlive your parents, doesn't necessarily make it easy.

[LanceLink!!!!!]

My dad is 82, in ok health considering his age, but is showing early signs of dementia. I said to my wife last week, I'd rather he went in 5 minutes of pain with a heart attack than 5 years of staring at a wall being fed by someone else with dribble coming out the corner of his mouth.

Mother in law is in a home, I saw her through a window for the first time in a year last week, the amount she has gone down hill in that year is quite scary.

Getting old is shit, make sure you have fun before you get there.

[El Denzel Pepito]

Getting older... That's a tough one. My mum is in her late 50s, so really not "old" at all. But with incurable secondary breast cancer, she's unfortunately in the final stages of her life.

Coming to grips with it has been hard. Just 5 years ago, before her first cancer diagnosis, she was fit as a fiddle, on the tennis courts, and in generally good health. She was one of those people who was often mistaken for being in her 30s as she still looked so vibrant and full of life.

Her appetite for life is the same, but obviously, being told you won't reach 60 has an effect that can't be put into words. She's a worrier but also a fighter, however, her quality of life is almost non-existent. With COVID, things have obviously gotten far worse. She hasn't really left the house for over a year, except to go to doctors appointments & scans. She has a lot of support from her friends and other acquaintances, but we all know she remains in a dark place, even if she doesn't want us to see it.

How do I cope with it? Honestly, I'm not sure. When I got the call re her incurable diagnosis, around August 2019, it was like I'd gained 10 stone in a matter of seconds. That's the way I'd put it. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and was just filled with extreme sadness. I had around 2 months of being in a very dark place, whilst trying to be there for her too. The first few weeks were especially hard... I woke up every day and felt the need to cry my eyes out almost immediately. I'd get in the shower before heading to work and just burst out crying in the shower, bawling my eyes out.

She's still here today. But I haven't seen her since June last year because we're being strict with the COVID precautions (mainly for my 90-year-old Nan who also lives in the same house). More than anything, knowing I haven't been able to be with her for the last year has hurt the most, especially when we don't know how long she really has. I haven't always treated my Mum with kindness when I was younger (as a teen and younger), so not being able to make up for that and show her how much she means to me is another thing that weighs on me.

No matter what I do now, I struggle to find the excitement in life in some ways. I know what's coming and I know it's going to completely shatter me, so everything feels like it has a shadow cast around it.

[redforlife]

This is a subject really close to my heart, especially at the moment

My Dad only met my Mum later in life, and was in his 40s when he had us kids.  That meant he was older than most other Dads in the playground and this always played on my mind as I had a fear for years I'd lose my Dad earlier than my mates.  Such is life, my Dad is still with us and is now 80, and unfortunately many people I went to school with have had parents pass away over the years

Until recently, my Dad's health had been pretty good for his age, however over the last few months he's spent time in hospital and is currently recovering at home from a broken hip.  He's got a season ticket, drives, goes for a pint a couple of times a week, and I really hope that he recovers enough to be able to carry on doing that.  I'd hate to see him lose the level of activity he had prior to Covid as it just wouldn't be him

My Mum is about 12 years younger than my Dad, and I'd say her health is worse, suffering from anxiety and hating leaving the house even before Covid.  She just seems to get through each day rather than live them.

What's really hit home is that my Grandad died aged 79, and I always considered him an 'old man' if that makes sense, he was always my Grandad, always elderly.   My Dad is older than him now and I don't see him as a old man, even thought I used to when I was younger.

I just hope that both parents are lucky enough that they never have to suffer majorly whenever they reach end of life, especially keeping their mental faculties

[Mr Grieves]

I met the missus just before I turned 40, she was 37, so our kids are now 10 and 12 with parents who are 51 and 54. I wish I could have had them when I was younger, but the main thing I want them to be is happy and have happy memories of childhood.

I'm currently trying to get fit again so that they don't have a knackered Dad is his 60's.

This resonates with me Rob, I'm in a very similar situation re age and kids and I'm also thinking about getting fit. COVID hasn't made life any easier re the GYM closing, but I think I'm using that as an excuse.

I've been in general good health but recently had cartilage damage and other aches and pains which seems odd because I'm doing sod all on the exercise front.

Some real heartbreaking stories in the thread, my old fella lives on his own out in Spain, he's in decent health to be fair but with the travel restrictions etc it does make you wonder wether me and his grandkids will get the opportunity to see him again. 

The aging progress is a weird one as I like the fact that the mortgage is inching closer to being sorted and hence not having to suck as much shit up in the world of work in the near future.

On the other hand I've recently joined a company where I'm easily in the oldest age group ,working with a load of young guys with a zest for life who are making me feel ancient.

Great thread

[Jono69]

I met the missus just before I turned 40, she was 37, so our kids are now 10 and 12 with parents who are 51 and 54. I wish I could have had them when I was younger, but the main thing I want them to be is happy and have happy memories of childhood.

I'm currently trying to get fit again so that they don't have a knackered Dad is his 60's.

Similar to us . I'm 48 ( could pass for 20 mind) and the wife is 46 and we have a 10 year old daughter but we do absolutely loads as a family so she does have good memories

I'm also trying to shed some timber so i can still be active for her/with her  in later years

[Qston]

I would like to echo some of the comments about this being a good thread. I found it quite cathartic. Not often you say out loud things that worry you - or at least I certainly don`t.

[AlphaDelta]

I would like to echo some of the comments about this being a good thread. I found it quite cathartic. Not often you say out loud things that worry you - or at least I certainly don`t.

Million per cent agree, it really is gut wrenching reading some of the stuff on here, but I get a feeling that actually typing it out and talking about our feelings is a big help for some.

[exiledintheUSA]

Terrible for me to be honest, I moved to the USA some 14 years ago and we do try to meet up at least once a year (COVID exception); however, over the last 18 months 3 of my Dad's siblings have passed due to pretty much age / natural cause and I am facing the reality that my Dad is probably not that far away in terms of passing.

[Son of Spion]

This topic absolutely kills me. It always has done.

I'm a counsellor, and I can listen to so many harrowing, distressing and terrible things, and I can deal with them without letting them stick to me and affect me too deeply. However, I go to bed every single night with this topic on my mind, and it haunts me. I lost my Dad and my partner's Dad within the space of two weeks back in 2017. I was with both when they died. I have my 80 year-old Mum left, and the thought of losing her feels like a rusty blade stuck solid into my chest, and that feeling never goes away.

I honestly wasn't sure I could get my Mum through the last year. I knew if I brought Covid in with her shopping then that would be that. The past 12 months have been horrific, but here we are. Mum is still here and I'll be eternally grateful for that. A lot of people I know weren't so lucky.

How do we cope with seeing our parents getting older? I don't honestly know. Somehow, we just do, but I'm not sure how. Like the bereavements I've already had. I had no idea how I was going to cope with them, but somehow I did. Somehow we just do.

One of the saddest things I find about life once we are more mature and aware is that we spend so much of it in fear. We fear our eventual and inevitable loses, and this often impacts on the quality of life we do have while we still have those we love. That fear can be paralysing. It has been for me, because my Mum had heart attacks as far back as the late 1970s, so I've been riddled with the fear of losing her since then. To think though, I've had her with us for over 40 years since then, but the fear of losing her has haunted me every single day in those 40+ years.

The whole thing I have around loss impacted on my counselling too, because I avoided taking on clients presenting with bereavement. I realised right then that my fear had got the better of me, so I turned it on its head and studied bereavement, attachment theory and associated issues in order to go into grief counselling so I could help others through the process. Sadly, covid hit and that's now on the back burner. Counselling over telephones is not my thing. I'm a one-to-one, face-to-face kind of counsellor. Funny enough, when you really look at the issues people present with in counselling, loss often plays a massive part. Loss of a loved one. Loss of a partner. The end of a relationship. Loss of confidence and/or esteem. Job loss etc... Loss is everywhere, and so is the fear of it.

Sometimes I wish I was less aware. Ignorance often genuinely is bliss. I used to work with the elderly, so I recognise signs, but I wish I didn't.

One thing I would always suggest is, if possible, always try to do what you feel is right, so you are not wracked with regrets further down the line. All we can do is give our best to our loved ones. Be there for our parents if/when they need us and support where and when we can. It's also worth remembering that some parents don't want to feel the need to cram every single day with exiting things and places. Quite often, when they get to a certain age, all they want to do is relax and take it easy. For some, living each day as though it might be their last is a case of being able to put their feet up rather than getting out and about all the time. Priorities change with age, don't they? I think if we help our parents live as they'd like to live in their twilight years, we'll have done good. Even if that's no more exciting as having a cup of tea in the garden on a nice day.

I don't think anything makes all this any easier. This fear is the price we pay for loving and caring. We fear their loss so much and we feel the searing pain of their eventual loss because we love(d) them so much. The more we love, the more we hurt. That's why I have the utmost respect for people in this world who are prepared to care. Caring makes relationships so wonderful and rich. It opens hearts so they can love but, by default, it also makes us vulnerable. It takes real guts to care and to love, because the flip-side is the pain that comes with the fear of loss and actual loss if/when it ultimately arrives.

None of the fear will go away for me, and maybe it shouldn't do anyway. It's all part of the process of life and love I suppose. All I feel I can do is my best. Be there for my Mum, now Dad has gone. Be loving and supportive, and let my Mum live out her days as she sees fit.


EDIT: Fowlermagic, thanks for posting this thread. I actually didn't want to read it ... then I read it. I then didn't want to reply to it ... then I did so. I'm glad I did. It's helped me. Thanks.

[Millie]

I lost my Dad in 2015.  He had dementia and his passing was kind of a blessing in the end.  I miss him terribly though.

My Mum is 90.  She had a stroke a couple of years ago, but luckily for her she has recovered quite well from it.  She was driving up to then and is still insistent that she wants her licence back      She is hilarious at times.  Whenever the News shows any elderly people suffering, or stuggling she says  "Oh look at those poor old people".  We say, "Mum, they are younger than you".  She says, well I don't feel old.  A good way to be, I reckon.

She shows no signs of dementia, and long my that continue.

[rob1966]

Similar to us . I'm 48 ( could pass for 20 mind) and the wife is 46 and we have a 10 year old daughter but we do absolutely loads as a family so she does have good memories

I'm also trying to shed some timber so i can still be active for her/with her  in later years

I didn't even go abroad until I was 29, my eldest is now on 29 times abroad and the youngest on 23, plus loads of stays in the UK, so they've loads of memories, my eldest did his first roller coaster in Orlando with me, the Manta, so they've spent a lot of quality time with us.

[Medellin]

Maybe the thread title isn't apt for what the thread has become, watching my parents get older wasn't something I had to cope with, it was watching them deteriorate when they hit health problems when they were already old.
Some heartbreaking very personal posts here brought back a ton of my own, stuff I'd put in the vault.
The way my Mam & Dad went out certainly wasn't fitting for the people they were..especially me Mam.
The respect all 6 of us had..yer know, bringing up 6 kids in an area and an era which was fraught with everything modern day parents would cave at..but they got thro it, I could ramble on for weeks to get the point across & understand why it's so difficult seeing them vulnerable, they'd give us anything and everything.
When that time comes..it tears your heart out & mangles your head proper.
I often wished after all the tests, treatments, what had become false hope..the pain, in and out of ozzy, the endings they both suffered..I wished they had gone out like a light..the way a few of me uncles did, no prolonged pain,suffering, not able to be themselves..all that.
Looking back I probably only made one misjudgment..I was calling round too often & me Mam told us off saying she didn't want babysitting..didn't see that coming, she just wanted space..something that you blindly overlook trying to do what you think is best.
Thats the one thing that stick out from my own experience..was a bit tough to take on the chin but it's what she wanted..between all of us she must have felt smothered or being treated like a child..I dunno.
I'm sure smaller families will be a lot different.
Coping..you just do.
It's ok to blurt out some tears whether that's on yer own or with family..fuck all wrong with that, don't bottle it up tho..it's like eating mentos with a belly full of coke, sooner or later you will explode.
The main thing for me was regret..for fucks sake don't do the 'if I had just 5 mins' story years later..if you have something whether thats a talk, a gift or something you shared or meal,place to visit..anything..fucking do it.
RIP me Mam & Dad, til we meet again x

[kavah]

I think one of the best things I’ve done with my dad after my mum passed away a few years ago is go on holidays or have days out with him.
If you can find the time (I know that’s often the hardest thing) but I really have the attitude that they gave us everything so what’s a few bob and a few days here and there. The experience has been really great. Like I said one of the most enjoyable things I’ve done in my life. We’ve been to Blackpool, the Isle of Man, Amsterdam, Benidorm. And when unable to get away we walk round his old haunts in L8 and town and then go for a pint in the Carnarvon Castle. Any way after Covid that is going to be the first thing we do. He got his 2nd jab yesterday so I’m made up about that

[Snail]

It’s my biggest fear. My mum will turn 68 in August, and my dad will turn 63 in July. My Taid suffered terribly with Alzheimer’s before he died, and I can’t contemplate either of them suffering the same fate. I don’t want to think about it. I’m 30 but I’m just a scared little kid when I think about it.

[AndyMuller]

It’s my biggest fear. My mum will turn 68 in August, and my dad will turn 63 in July. My Taid suffered terribly with Alzheimer’s before he died, and I can’t contemplate either of them suffering the same fate. I don’t want to think about it. I’m 30 but I’m just a scared little kid when I think about it.

Same mate. I can’t even begin to contemplate life without them to be honest, it scares the absolute shit out of me 

[fowlermagic]

Some stirring posts here which is making me think and that is surely a good thing as my mum would say I dont think A friend lost his Dad last month at 73 which is way too young and I actually played golf with his Dad so was tough to see the family go through his illness. After he passed I struggled to chat with the friend but eventually called him a couple of weeks later and said at least you had those final few months where you could chat with your father. He said the chats were never too deep as its not the movies but at least he was there to support his Dad when he was told he had cancer, drove him to treatment, would be there at the end supporting his mum which surely helped his father knowing they would survive once he was gone. Thats pretty much what happens I guess as if you lose a spouse in your late 70s / 80s its not going to be like the movies where you might meet someone else as the rest of your life will be spent missing that soul that meant so much to you. Its what I see every day I believe as Mum looks out the window with an empty stare perhaps but inside shes probably remembering all those years where she & my dad tended to the garden surrounding the home he pretty much built by himself where they raised a decent family I hope. As someone said its hard to see the giant of a man who is your Dad become old and frail ....its the cycle of life as here I am telling Mum eat her veggies, drink plenty of water and help her out of the car. She did the same for me as a kid so its my time to do something for her. The word fear is thrown out there and its amazing how your stomach can turn those mornings when your elderly parent stays in bed and you start to wonder if this is the day she wont get up. Should I check or is she just sleeping in and eventually you hear the bedroom door open and the knot in your stomach disappears as you know its not that day. Done that several times the past 2 or 3 years perhaps in a way preparing myself for that dreaded day, if thats even possible, but I know its coming as there is very few grains of sand left in someone aged 86. Thats a good innings for someone who could have smoked for Ireland in the Olympics if it was an event so when the day does come I already know I got a few bonus years with someone who loved me no matter what stupid shit I have done. If you are afraid of the day you lose your parent then ease that fear by calling them tomorrow to say hi and tell them to expect a visit whether they like it or not. 

[rob1966]

So, my stepdad has just rang me, sounds OK, but he's had a heart attack. Getting moved from Southport to Broadgreen today, hopefully he won't be in too long and I can run to see him at home next week.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

I wish I could watch my parents and grandparents getting older.

But that isn't an option for me.

Cherish them while they're here is my advice and give them an extra hug and a chat next time you see them