Are you ready for the challenge?
Have you the skill to be a wheeler dealer in transfer market, the ability to be a top coach, the acumen to be a championship winning manager? Then play the new Liverpool FC …………….sorry, the Tiverpool FC Computer game (not based on real events or persons, at all…………honest!).
Before each game, answer some simple questions to gain bonus points that allow you to select better players.
GOALKEEPER
1. You have only recently been signed and are keen to make a good impression. Do you:
(a) save everything thrown at you (10 points)
(a) build sandbags in front of the goal, don a World War I helmet and shout “come on , chaps, we can still win the European Cup” (1 point)
(b) scratch your head in disbelief and mutter “they didn’t f***ing tell me it was going to be like this!” (5 points)
2. You are allowed to nominate which players are allowed to score against you. Do you select:
(a) a hip wiggling, samba dancing, devilishly skilled, world class Brazilian (10)
(b) a ball hugging, coke snorting, magical enfant terrible from Argentina (5)
(c) a ginger bloke from Norway (0)
DEFENCE
1. You are selected as full back. Do you
(a) demonstrate all round ability with attacking runs down the flanks (10)
(b) occasionally forage over the half way line when you feel appropriate (5)
(c) suffer dizzy spells and feel faint when you have sight of the opposition half of the pitch (0)
2. Frequently you are in possession of the ball and see a colleague further up the pitch making an attacking run. Do you
(a) play an accurate first time ball to him (10)
(b) take one touch and play a pin-point pass to him (
(c) slice the ball out of play (0)
(d) turn around and play the ball back to your keeper (3)
3. As coach, you are losing 1-0 with just over 20 minutes remaining. You decide to withdraw one full back to enable you to put on a more attacking player. Do you
(a) take off the most unadventurous full back at the club (2)
(b) remove the more positive full back who will attempt to get forward (0)
(c) stick a pin in the team sheet and tell the fourth official that you want to take off “what’s his name, with the ears”
4. You play centre half. Do you
(a) keep close to the other centre half to provide an effective partnership (10)
(b) develop a telepathic understanding that allows you cover your partner as he stylishly carries the ball out of defence (7)
(c) decide to play 15 metres apart on the edge of your box as the opposing centre forward nips in between you (0)
5. As a centre half, what is the ideal distance that separates you from your defensive partner
(a) 6.6 metres (10)
(b) 11.4 metres (5)
(c) bloody miles apart (0)
6. The coach demands that the centre-halves play the ball around more at the back. Do you
(a) become Franz Beckanbauer incarnate and stride forward purposely (10)
(b) assume the Terry Butcher headband, hoof the ball forward and cry “They shall not pass!” (5)
(c) enter ‘Stars in their eyes’ as Phil Babbs younger, less talented brother (-5)
(d) punt the ball aimlessly to who ever happens to be playing that day (3)
7. The coach believes that you, as centre half are the best distributor of the ball on the team and insists that you make long, raking passes to the forward line. Do you
(a) punch the air and cry “Yessssss, I told you so!” (2)
(b) Poke a team-mate in the chest and yell “nah, nah ,nah-naaaaaaaah nah” (-1)
(c) book him an appointment immediately at ‘Specsavers’ (9)
MIDFIELD
1. You are a world class central midfielder and you’re having a stinker of a game. The coach refuses to substitute you. Is it because:
(a) he didn’t attend his ‘Specsaver’s’ appointment (10)
(b) you’ve a clause in your contract that prevents him carrying this out (4)
(c) you’ve some compromising photos of the coach and the club mascot, “Terence the Ferret” (2)
(d) he spent most of the game talking to the physio about last nights episode of ‘Eastenders’ (-3)
2. You give the team talk encouraging the midfield to try and get in the box more. Do they:
(a) lean forward and say “huh?” (5)
(b) Say something unintelligible in an East European language (9)
(c) slap their thighs, crying “Good one, boss”, before collapsing in a fit of laughter (1)
(d) Ask “what box is that, boss?” (10)
3. You have a world class goalkeeper at your disposal, four defenders, all internationals and are playing against a journeyman team made up of blokes from the non-league, youth teams and discarded free transfers from lower division clubs. We’ll call them Bolton…..or Southampton, for sake of argument. Do you:
(a) raise your fist and cry “We are Tiverpool, let’s get into the b*****ds” (
(b) pay due respect, but overpower them with your superior attacking skills (10)
(c) thrown caution to the wind and attack a la Keegan (6)
(d) have another top international midfielder stay back in front of the defence all game, so that we can only attack with three midfielders (-14)
4. You have already got a left-sided midfielder who is incapable of using his right foot. Do you:
(a) trust that his ability will see him through (4)
(b) Scour Europe for a replacement and buy…….another one footed midfielder (2)
(c) ignore the situation (-5)
(d) make him an offer from the Kop to “Come up and I’ll show you what your right foot is for, yeh bollocks!” (20)
(e) ask Christy Brown for advice (-2)
FORWARDS
1. You have a forward who is going through a bit of a lean spell. Do you:
(a) persist with him. He’ll start knocking them in soon (3)
(b) bring in a world class replacement, but leave him on the bench (2)
(c) show him a diagram of a cow’s arse and a banjo (6)
(d) wonder if you have picked the right team? (13)
2.Your current style of play produces approx. four chances per game. How many goals do you reckon you’ll score this season:
(a) 50-60
(b) 60-70
(c) 70-80
(d) 80+
(e) you’ve got to be joking
2. You decide to play two front men. One is 5’ 8”, the other about 5’ 9”. Do you:
(a) play a careful passing game threading the ball through to them (
(b) encourage your midfielders to get round the back of the defence and get crosses into the box (9)
(c) push the midfield forward to support the front pair to give them more opportunities (
(d) wait until they are tightly marked by centre-halves, at least 6’ 3” tall and then request that your defence aimlessly punts the ball forward (-63)
BONUS QUESTIONS
Earn bonus points in this section.
Imagine your team is a car. Not flashy like a Ferrari, but a bit more class than a Japanese job. Something like a Mercedes. Strong, solid, reliable, capable of great performances. Do you:
(a) go hell for leather, put on a great show, but run out of petrol before the end of the race (2)
(b) put in a quiet trouble free performance, finishing respectably, but not really challenging anyone (3)
(c) spend loads of cash, entertain the public and finish second (
(d) have a superb engine, a good backroom team, but drive round the circuit continuously in second gear with the hand brake on (47)
And one final bonus question for 500 points:
“The more chances you create in a game, the more chance you will have of scoring”. Discuss
“The more chances you create for your centre forwards, the more chance you have of scoring”. Discuss.
“The more chances…………..Oh f***,…… I give up.
