Topic: Life of a soap character

[Fitzy.]

- Will likely go to prison (despite being innocent)
- Will get married / divorced / married again
- Will drink with friends in the pub who will be aged between 18 and 80
- Will ask for ‘the usual’ and barman will instantly know the drink
- Will have ‘some time away’ (literally months) without it having any appreciable financial ramifications
- Will fraternise only with people who live within walking distance from their front door
- Will be a parent but only be seen with child about 20% of the time - kids are usually upstairs washing their hands
- Will become romantically engaged with someone with sinister anterior motives
- Will hardly ever watch telly
- Will view ‘outsiders’ (often people from middle class areas) with suspicion because they’re morally bankrupt
- Will die a premature (often violent) death   

Any others?

[gerrardisgod]

Will have family turn up out of the blue, they have never spoken of.

[S]

Won't go on holiday over the New Year, despite someone from their very small community being killed every New Year's Eve in living memory.

[So… Howard Philips]

Whenever there is a wedding or other similar social event all characters, despite being on the bones of their arses, turn up in brand new clothes and drink Moet et Chandon.

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

Will impregnate their brothers wife or get pregnant at the hands of their sisters husband and have a child with said woman/man whos kids are then related by being brothers/sisters and also cousins ,meaning their uncle is now their step dad.

Despite all the killings families still move into the area.

No one ever redecorates despite moving into a house thats antwacky as fuck with wallpaper thats been there since the war.

No one ever cooks at home and buy all their food at a Caf.

Everyone goes the pub on their lunch break then goes back to work operating dangerous machinery whilst pissed at Mike Baldwins Knicker Factory.

Men like Peter Barlow/Steve McDonald will have women throwing themselves at them despite looking like a sex case that could only be employed due to their record,as the trampoline guy at Pontins,which in real life gets you either the Hunchback of Notre Dame,Mandy Dingle or Grotbags from Rod Hull and Emu's Pink Windmill,and not the likes of Kym Marsh. or Michelle fucking Keegan.

Will wrongfully be imprisoned.

[Port_vale_lad]

Despite living in the middle of nowhere will automatically find a job within 60 yards of their house and will never commute to work.

Also will never swear despite high probability of being shot at, falling through roof, have a plane / tram / car pile through the front of their house, find out their wife / husband has been shagging their long lost son / daughter

[Thush]

Will completely change their physical appearance and no-one will say a word.

[Fitzy.]

Lots of good ones in here.

Another...will be horribly betrayed by a friend which will lead to devastation but will eventually get over it and end up drinking with them in the pub within the year.

[CHOPPER]

Alan Partridge

[S]

Despite all the killings families still move into the area.

Never mind that, imagine taking over the Queen Vic in Albert Square.

"Okay now I should warn you that it has caught fire on several occasions. That spot there is where someone once pushed his pregnant wife down the stairs. Oh and our ex-landlord was called Dirty Den, and now his dead body is in the cellar. Don't worry though, I doubt he'll come back to life again."

[Crosby Nick]

Will have a wedding that goes perfectly to plan.

It’s a boring soap.

[Davidbowie]

- Will go to the pub EVERY SINGLE DAY but not be considered an alcoholic
- Will hold every celebration party (birthday, wedding, lottery win, passing test, etc) at the same pub every time
- Will gain employment just by asking and will start work the same day
- Will save someone or be saved by someone from a burning car/drowning in a car
- Will happen to bump into the exact person they were thinking about/talking about the very second they leave the house.
- Despite being old or ginger or running a fruit n veg stall or a being a fishmonger, a male character will still have no problem whatsoever pulling an absolutely gorgeous blonde babe.
- At least two female characters have to have given birth somewhere that is not a hospital

[Fitzy.]

Everyone goes the pub on their lunch break then goes back to work operating dangerous machinery whilst pissed at Mike Baldwins Knicker Factory.

Also, they work at a knicker factory but can afford to spend each lunchtime buying alcoholic drinks. Money to burn.

[TepidT2O]

When a character goes to university..

1. They start wearing glasses
2.  They get ideas above their station
3.  They start sleeping with a lecturer who is a tosser
4. They flirt with LGBT which is never mentioned again
5. They leave university for very little reason
6. They keep living at home and hardly have any social life outside of the lecturer they are knobbing and perhaps one token friend.
7. They will carry folders around and hug them

[Crosby Nick]

If an Australian teenager arrives in a new town without any parents they will be fostered within 24 hours and without any paperwork.

If a character is shown wincing in pain they’ll have been diagnosed with a terminal illness within the week.

[So… Howard Philips]

Each and every murder trial, and there's lots of 'em, is heard in Crown Court within a month.

If convicted of murder they'll be back in the soap in less than six years.

[Fitzy.]

When a character goes to university..

1. They start wearing glasses
2.  They get ideas above their station
3.  They start sleeping with a lecturer who is a tosser
4. They flirt with LGBT which is never mentioned again
5. They leave university for very little reason
6. They keep living at home and hardly have any social life outside of the lecturer they are knobbing and perhaps one token friend.
7. They will carry folders around and hug them

They’re also treated with mistrust for enjoying reading. Plus, they do their assignments in the local cafe.

[TepidT2O]

They’re also treated with mistrust for enjoying reading. Plus, they do their assignments in the local cafe.

Correct!

[So… Howard Philips]

They’re also treated with mistrust for enjoying reading. Plus, they do their assignments in the local cafe.

And this greasy spoon stocks the full range of Seattle's best hipster coffees. No one drinks them.

[Fitzy.]

And this greasy spoon stocks the full range of Seattle's best hipster coffees. No one drinks them.

Ha. True

[Sir Psycho Sexy]

If you're pregnant, you better be expecting that baby to drop early

[TepidT2O]

No one uses banks and they always use wads of rolled up notes as a source of money.

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

When a character goes to university..

1. They start wearing glasses
2.  They get ideas above their station
3.  They start sleeping with a lecturer who is a tosser
4. They flirt with LGBT which is never mentioned again
5. They leave university for very little reason
6. They keep living at home and hardly have any social life outside of the lecturer they are knobbing and perhaps one token friend.
7. They will carry folders around and hug them

 

When a character goes to university..
 

Yeah ok mate ''Character'' You mean you dontcha?

Who you kidding.Thats your Uni life isnt it?

Notice you left ''Nipple Clamps'' out so to not arouse suspicion

Take it the Lecturer hurt you?

[TepidT2O]

[Nobby Reserve]

Will impregnate their brothers wife or get pregnant at the hands of their sisters husband and have a child with said woman/man whos kids are then related by being brothers/sisters and also cousins ,meaning their uncle is now their step dad.

Giggsenders

[Son of Spion]

If they are about to have a baby or if there is a big accident that needs the emergency services you can guarantee there will always be an accident on the ring road preventing those services reaching you for about six hours. You will have your baby in a pub toilet, a taxi or whatever and it will be delivered by some random character.

You will be introduced to the show as a scumbag, but within a few months you will change personality completely and become a solid, upstanding member of the community.

Same applies to the introduction of certain families. Horrible, loud and arrogant scumbags on arrival. Salt of the earth within months.

[TepidT2O]

If you go to hospital, you will be treated I the exact same bed as every other person in the soap

[Millie]

If you go to hospital, you will be treated I the exact same bed as every other person in the soap

By Martin Platt

[Crosby Nick]

By Martin Platt

Unless you’re at Summer Bay Hospital.

Because a tiny Aussie town needs its own hospital.

I nearly quoted that one about the new families being lairy and then calming down earlier.

[Son of Spion]

By Martin Platt

Or if you are in Eastenders, Sonia Fowler.

In hospital, your nurse always lives in your street.

 Also, if you are in Coronation Street, you will own a car, just like virtually every character in the show, but neither you or them will park it on the street. Where do they all park?

If you are male and remotely decent looking in a soap these days it's in your contract that you have to do a superfluous shirt-off shot on a regular basis that would be declared sexist if the PC hypocrites didn't have double standards.

[PhaseOfPlay]

If you're a good sort who's all helpful and well-liked, and then you turn into a wrong 'un, you'll immediately take up smoking like you've been doing it all your life

If you're from Northern Ireland and living in England, nobody will ever speculate if you're a member of a paramilitary organisation

If you're under 18 and living in Summer Bay, you will be fostered whether you are part of an existing loving family unit or not.

If you are a dowdy-looking woman, you will be given a make-over to look hawwwt (usually by just removing the cardy and glasses), and you will suddenly get jobs galore and become an outgoing and successful businesswoman

If you're a chubby, average looking bloke, you will be a mechanic and you will be single

If you own a shop, you will go to the cash-and-carry to get all your goods, in a Mini Cooper or something even smaller. Yet your shop will always be stocked.

If you own a farm, you will be constantly indoors in the farmhouse, or down the pub, and never, ever work a 10-12 hour day on the acres of land you own. You will also receive visitors from "the city" who will never once ask "what's that smell?"

[Son of Spion]

You will be able to drink alcohol in the pub on your dinner break then go back into work without getting a telling off.

You will be completely oblivious to world events and never comment on them.

[Mumm-Ra]

If an Australian teenager arrives in a new town without any parents they will be fostered within 24 hours and without any paperwork.

If a character is shown wincing in pain they’ll have been diagnosed with a terminal illness within the week.

Good one - or coughing, coughing is terminal. If there are spots of blood in the hanky, the prognosis is game over

[Fitzy.]

When you move to a house beyond the immediate local area you are never heard of again or mentioned in conversation and may as well be dead...even though months before you may have been the best man at a wedding and the heart and soul of the community.

[sinnermichael]

I remember Phil Mitchell being cured of alcoholism in about a week once. Remarkable stuff.

[Barneylfc∗]

I remember Phil Mitchell being cured of alcoholism in about a week once. Remarkable stuff.

Just dont drink, and flush Ian Beale's head down the shitter. Easy as fuck.

[Pheeny]

Will never just talk to anyone but will generally SHOUT all the time...

[Mutton Geoff]

You can go into a garage for a spanner and vanish for about twelve months. Then come out without the spanner

[Son of Spion]

Will never just talk to anyone but will generally SHOUT all the time...

Unless you are one of the more shady, male characters in EastEnders. Then, you will whisper in a slightly menacing manner all the time.

[Fitzy.]

I remember Phil Mitchell being cured of alcoholism in about a week once. Remarkable stuff.

Yeah, and grieving a family death can take up to 8 days...then you snap out of it.