Well, they came round. I've tried to add everything below, but there's likely things I've forgotten that I will add later.
We tried to keep everything as cordial as possible, and everything I said until close to the end of it was in a very passive manner, "thanks for coming round, this isn't about criticizing anyone, or a personal attack, it's just about talking through our point of view and seeing where everyone is". "We've known each other six months, and since the first time we met, I've felt that you don't really like me, or have an issue with me. I'd just like to know what it is or why it is, because I think I'm a good man, I work hard, I'm reasonably successful, and I think I've demonstrated that I love your daughter and that we want to be happy together".
They said that there was no issue (then preceded to essentially lay into me for the next 45 minutes), they found my stance "bizarre". "What are you talking about?! I've genuinely no idea what you're talking about" the Mother asked. The Dad said "we don't know you". The Mother got loud and aggressive, on the front foot, straight away. I preceded to discuss the issues with the first meetings (and do we care?? etc). She stood by that, looked me in the face, and said "yes, that's right, we don't care!". The Dad says "the ball is the wrong shape". My partner tried to get them to see how this might come across as rude, might not be the kind of thing you say to someone when you've just met them, but they wouldn't have it. They maintained that nothing they've said to me ever is rude, they are just having a joke. I went through some of the other things that have been said to me. "If you're that easily offended, you're going to have a lot of problems in life", "there's something wrong with you", "you have no sense of humour". They said to my partner "what do you think about all this, I thought you had a good sense of humour, like us?" My partner said that she could see how someone who didn't know them would think this was rude (which is different to what she said to me, i.e that it was rude).
Their issue was around Mr and Mrs X, which was something they wouldn't let go. The Mother said that "I'm the prospective Mother in law. You should do ANYTHING I want to make me happy, to suck up to me, to get me on side, like you see in the films. The fact that you came round to MY house, on the second time we met, and didn't greet me as Mrs. X at the door, you just said hello. It was utterly disgusting". "You blanked us on Sunday, you ruined our, OUR, anniversary meal, your attitude was disgusting".
I said that I was sorry they felt that way, but there was no disrespect intended, that I've not mentioned any of this for six months out of respect for them. "You don't have any respect for anyone or anything". I calmly said that I'm not there to prove my worth to them, and I don't have to, I'm a grown man, and that I answer to myself and their daughter, and that we're happy together. "So you can't even call us Mr and Mrs for your partners sake? What kind of love is that? You don't love her, when she's asking you to call us Mr and Mrs X, you won't even do it, you have no respect". At this point I did have to say "well, she actually thinks it's really odd". My partner said that she's not spoken to anyone who thought it was normal in this day and age, why can't they just lower some barriers. They wouldn't have it.
In response to 'ruining' their anniversary meal, I said that on Sunday I came in and the Dad actively blanked me at the bar and looked the other way "I wasn't paying attention, I didn't notice". (he'd just said hello to his daughter, and knew I was with her, so..?) The Mother said that "you couldn't even be BOTHERED to make ANY conversation, you've been up to all sorts, you could have made effort". I said that this was their party, with their family, and that given the situation, given how I feel, something that they are aware of because my partner has mentioned all this to them before on her own, it wasn't for me to go in and make them feel comfortable. I said that in any case I actively don't know what to talk about around them, that I'm actually scared to open my mouth (someone was talking about Blood Brothers on Sunday, I didn't give any opinion because I was actually scared to. I didn't ask for any sauce for my meal because I didn't want to create a fuss) because everything I say is seemingly wrong. They flat refused to have any of it. Mother says that she had to "leave the table and go outside" because she was so "disgusted". I didn't mention that I went and stood in the toilet for 15 minutes because I couldn't physically sit and stare at the table anymore. Mother throughout is raised voices, talking over me and my partner, getting worse. The Dad is largely silent, occasionally asking for calm. My partner was more pleading, saying that they didn't have to change, she wasn't asking that (in my opinion, to have any kind of dynamic with them, they do, drastically, need to change), but could they at least try and consider that if the person on the receiving end of the 'joke' doesn't find it funny, then it's not a joke? "So you expect me to think about what I'm saying, ALL the time? I can't do that, I wouldn't be able to be myself". (turns to me) "so everything is all about you, that's it isn't it?".
I said that that they were entitled to their point of view, that's fine, and that I was trying to understand, but couldn't see why they didn't have any empathy for my position or would even acknowledge my point of view as valid, or even my right to have my own feelings. I asked whether it was reasonable in their eyes that our relationship is so stand offish that I have to call them Mr and Mrs and pander to them, but equally, it's so familiar that I can be insulted to my face and I'm not allowed an opinion/my feelings are denied. "No, utterly ridiculous", etc etc. The Mother then starts on my partner
"I've had it up to HERE (raises hand above head) with you for the last 20 years!!"
Up until this point I'd been extremely measured and calm. I was starting to get a bit more irritated, but kept my composure.
"and your sister! WHY did you not come and see her when she came home???" My partner explained that she's been busy with work "what, so busy you can't come over, for five minutes??" and that she is coming home to a partner now rather than to an empty house, so she likes to have dinner with me and spend some quality time together "You've changed since you met HIM (standing up, raised voice, points finger at me)". My partner explained that she sees them once a week, and speaks to her (the Mother) nearly every day on the phone. She said that she's always the one who has to approach her sister to see her, to contact her, her sister is more than capable of giving her a ring and popping over one evening for a cup of tea, we'd be happy to see her and chat. "And what's wrong with just you seeing her, you're not joined at the hip!!". (They don't understand that given my/our position with the abuse, including from the sister, we wouldn't want to do that). I said that it wasn't her (Mothers) place to dictate what we do and when we do it. She nearly lost it at this. My partner then said that the way her sister has been speaking to her is disgusting, talking down to her etc, and that her sister was really rude on Sunday. "That's just because she wanted to see you and was frustrated".
I can't remember much more, but her Mother then started on "you have no IDEA that sacrifices I've made for you while you were growing up". "All your partners are the same". I then asked my partner whether she was going to continue to let her parents bully her like this. They then stormed out into the hall. My partner followed them out and asked them to consider what this means should we have a family in the future. The Mother "you don't think I've thought about what it would be like if you have children with HIM". (I found this beyond the pale). The Mother asked if was ever going to call them Mr and Mrs. I said no (at no point did they really seem to grasp why). The Mother said that "you" (daughter) are welcome at anything we do. HE is not". I said that the I was sorry they felt that way, but the door is open should they change their position.
So much for the opening line of not having an issue with me. Seems to me this has been simmering for months.
They then left. My partner broke down. Fainted. Fainted again this morning. It's not the best situation to be in. I was incredibly stressed about meeting them at first, but to be honest, the longer it went on, I came to realize that (feel free to correct me anyone) that they are seriously disturbed/disordered people. I've suspected that for a while, but once it was confirmed, I felt relieved, because I'll never be able to reach people like that. That said, I don't think I've done anything wrong, and certainly nothing to warrant such a horrific response and total lack of empathy. I think they were expecting me to be quiet and easily bullied/walked over, like I have been for the last six months, and when it became obvious that I was going to stand by ground and maintain my composure, the Mother couldn't handle it.
So, where the hell do I go from here? As far as I'm concerned, the only option now is no contact, to safeguard our relationship. I can't be spoken to that way, have my feelings completely ignored, actually denied, told I'm a horrible person, selfish, only care about myself, don't love their daughter, and that it essentially be terrible for them if I had a family with her, and that I'm not welcome at anything they do, and then have my partner go round and see them. They're just going to sabotage the relationship/come between us, and I think I deserve my partner standing by me now her parents have been shown for who they really are, as understandably terribly difficult as that will be for her after years of this. I can't build a future with them involved. She is understandable devastated and saying that she can't have the life she wanted, i.e her partner interacting happily with her family, and her family involved with their grandchildren, if she stays with me. She's also said that she probably won't be able to have that with anyone she meets. The latter with varying degrees of strength (she sometimes blames herself with statements like "it's the men i meet, the type of men I find attractive, it's my fault). She said she doesn't understand why they don't seemingly want her to be happy, why they can't just be friendly, and why they don't have any empathy for anyone else or ability to feign or try to understand someone elses perspective/feelings/point of view.
I don't know what else I could have done other than agree to be abused.
