Author Topic: Funny things your kids (or kids around you) say. (Read 36502 times)

Cochise · « **Reply #40 on:** February 18, 2012, 09:34:36 am »

The Mrs was talking to me about her mate getting married the other day and my 4yo son pipes up "eee I'm not marrying a girl I'm marrying Alan from my class"

What's the procedure Mr Mod? · « **Reply #41 on:** February 18, 2012, 09:48:52 am »

Quote from: Pelts on February 18, 2012, 09:34:36 am

The Mrs was talking to me about her mate getting married the other day and my 4yo son pipes up "eee I'm not marrying a girl I'm marrying Alan from my class"

That is brilliant!

forrest1980 · « **Reply #42 on:** February 18, 2012, 10:09:13 am »

Quote from: Pelts on February 18, 2012, 09:34:36 am

The Mrs was talking to me about her mate getting married the other day and my 4yo son pipes up "eee I'm not marrying a girl I'm marrying Alan from my class"

That's you set for ammo when he's about 17-18 and you's are up for a bit banter between one another.

conman · « **Reply #43 on:** February 18, 2012, 11:02:33 am »

Quote from: forrest1980 on February 18, 2012, 10:09:13 am

That's you set for ammo when he's about 17-18 and you's are up for a bit banter between one another.

or on his 18th birthday among all his friends when you make a wee speech

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #44 on:** February 21, 2012, 10:42:06 pm »

I started tickling the lad this morning while he was drinking his milk... caused fits of laughter and the hiccups.

His response: "Daddy st(hiccup)op it, I am hav(hiccup)ing issues now"

I was in tears.

J-Mc- · « **Reply #45 on:** February 22, 2012, 12:22:26 am »

Quote from: Crimson_Tank on February 21, 2012, 10:42:06 pm

I started tickling the lad this morning while he was drinking his milk... caused fits of laughter and the hiccups.

His response: "Daddy st(hiccup)op it, I am hav(hiccup)ing issues now"

I was in tears.

Practising for later on in life there mate, I'd keep an eye on him before he goes pure Harvest Fields in his teens!

macca888 · « **Reply #46 on:** February 22, 2012, 12:29:02 am »

Quote from: Lawnmowerman on February 2, 2012, 06:02:08 pm

"With the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin"

Just nearly pissed myself

J-Mc- · « **Reply #47 on:** February 22, 2012, 12:30:22 am »

Quote from: macca888 on February 22, 2012, 12:29:02 am

Just nearly pissed myself

We already know about your incontinence issues you auld fucker, now why'd you quote the Cos?

macca888 · « **Reply #48 on:** February 22, 2012, 12:33:26 am »

Quote from: J-Mc- on February 22, 2012, 12:30:22 am

We already know about your incontinence issues you auld fucker, now why'd you quote the Cos?

Cos of the hippin' and a hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin' in my bladder you mean twat!

macca888 · « **Reply #49 on:** February 22, 2012, 12:39:04 am »

Here's a funny one for you. My sister in law has been staying at ours for the last few months, and she's a bit of a cleaning freak. Anyway, last week, she kept going on at one of the kids about taking his breakfast bowl out. She must have said it about 10 times in a couple of minutes. He's a laid back lad, dead easy going, and he gave his standard response to any request to do anything "2 seconds." We all know when he says that, you'll be lucky if it gets done in the next hour. So anyway, after another half dozen times more of her asking him to take the bowl out, he turns round and says, to much hilarity, "Why don't you go and fuck yourself?"

They grow up so fast.

macca888 · « **Reply #50 on:** February 22, 2012, 12:45:37 am »

Quote from: J-Mc- on February 22, 2012, 12:34:09 am

I'm just jealous that you've got extra lube when trying Anal mate.

May be your own piss but atleast it moistens her arsehole up!

Do you know what J. that's just reminded me of something. When we were kids, one of my mate's brothers was a piss the bed until he was about 11 or 12. So we told him that if he didn't sort himself out, he'd never ever be able to have sex with a bird because if he pissed inside her on the job, it would poison her and she'd die, then he'd end up in jail. So the poor little bastard never slept for days, and then claimed that he was cured. He'd been awake for about 80 odd hours straight at this stage. First time he went asleep, he pissed the bed during the night and this brother, the cruel fucker, told him he'd have to start all over again. Poor little fucker was like Christian Bale in The Mechanic.

J-Mc- · « **Reply #51 on:** February 22, 2012, 12:51:17 am »

Quote from: macca888 on February 22, 2012, 12:45:37 am

Do you know what J. that's just reminded me of something. When we were kids, one of my mate's brothers was a piss the bed until he was about 11 or 12. So we told him that if he didn't sort himself out, he'd never ever be able to have sex with a bird because if he pissed inside her on the job, it would poison her and she'd die, then he'd end up in jail. So the poor little bastard never slept for days, and then claimed that he was cured. He'd been awake for about 80 odd hours straight at this stage. First time he went asleep, he pissed the bed during the night and this brother, the cruel fucker, told him he'd have to start all over again. Poor little fucker was like Christian Bale in The Mechanic.

'kin hell!

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #52 on:** February 22, 2012, 03:07:13 am »

Quote from: J-Mc- on February 22, 2012, 12:22:26 am

Practising for later on in life there mate, I'd keep an eye on him before he goes pure Harvest Fields in his teens!

I'll keep him well clear of ambulances and white vauxhall cavaliers

Welcome back Macca

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #53 on:** February 22, 2012, 03:43:19 am »

Normally when my eldest girl gets a stuffed toy I ask her its name. Dogs are named dog. Cats are named cat etc etc. she got this tiny bear and as usual I asked the name. "his name is sleepy Barry" wtf? How does she even know the name Barry?

B.A. Baracus · « **Reply #54 on:** February 22, 2012, 07:12:03 am »

I was in a shopping centre with my daughter, nephew and niece. Sitting outside a shop waiting for the missus. These maori blokes walk past us and my daughter starts singing the haka. Of course the other two joined in.

Another time we were in a sports store, and this kid was having a look at a Liverpool shirt (during the G&H era). My daughter looks at the kid and his mum, then looks at me and yells, "DON'T THEY KNOW THEY CAN'T BUY THAT UNTIL THE STUPID YANKS ARE GONE"

LanceLink!!!!! · « **Reply #55 on:** February 22, 2012, 12:45:16 pm »

My boy has a teddy that he has called Mr Kill.

Bit odd.

NOTBORNIN1982 · « **Reply #56 on:** February 22, 2012, 01:10:02 pm »

Quote from: LanceLink on February 22, 2012, 12:45:16 pm

My boy has a teddy that he has called Mr Kill.

Bit odd.

A few weeks back my mates daughter was writing something in the sand, I asked what it was she was writing and she said 'die'...

Also a bit odd.

RedZen · « **Reply #57 on:** February 22, 2012, 01:17:27 pm »

Sat having a coffee with the missus and kids. The boy, 2 and a half year old was counting the sugar sachets out of the bowl, up to 10. His mum said "very good, now can you count backwards?" He promptly turned around 180 degrees on his chair and, "one, two, three" .... Cute.

Enemy · « **Reply #58 on:** February 22, 2012, 01:23:12 pm »

Mate of mines little boy must be about 6 now and she posted on facebook a few days ago:

'Lil Mo was in the bath earlier and he said 'Daddy I had a bad dream last night where we were in a house but you fell out the window' and we both said 'Awww it's okay Lil Mo' to which he said 'Don't you remember?' 'No Mummy doesn't remember your dream' 'But you were there in the dream so why can't you remember?'

Cutie.

Welshred · « **Reply #59 on:** February 22, 2012, 01:48:23 pm »

My nephew said this to my mum last weekend - "I like my daddy because he's not made of stingy nettles"

Flaccid Bobby Fowler · « **Reply #60 on:** February 22, 2012, 01:51:36 pm »

my little one has recently come t ounderstand the game EYE SPY! well, when i say understand, she has the baisc premise alright but shes 3 so hasnt a clue about the the ltters and what not, its a right fookin hoot when we play it, usually in the car on the way to me mas.

One time we were playing it and the conversation went somthing along the lines as follows:

me:Eye spy with my little eye, somthing beginning with B
her:Gis a clue dad
me:its outside the car
her:clouds?
me:nope
her:gis another one dad
me:there all around (there was flocks of them flying by at the time)
her:grass?
me:nope
her:gis another clue dad
me:there black (crows)
her:cats?
me:nope
no:awe i dunno dad, can i have another clue?
me:they fly in the sky (getting to it like)
her:aeroplanes?
me:nope
her:helicopters?
me:nope
her:awe dad i dont know any more
me:ok ok, they fly in the sky, they have feathersand THEY LIVE IN THE TREES....

her: Ohhhh i know, Monkeys

I had to just leave it at that, was so funny and cute

J-Mc- · « **Reply #61 on:** February 22, 2012, 02:09:09 pm »

So which one can't understand letters then? Because you've missed fucking loads out there!

macca888 · « **Reply #62 on:** February 22, 2012, 02:30:23 pm »

My twins were upstairs the other day having a little disagreement over whose turn it was to use the laptop. I could hear a little scuffle break out, and then I heard one of them say "You get me in a headlock again and I'll rip your fucking nutsack off you little twat."

Bless.

Flaccid Bobby Fowler · « **Reply #63 on:** February 22, 2012, 03:06:56 pm »

Quote from: J-Mc- on February 22, 2012, 02:09:09 pm

So which one can't understand letters then? Because you've missed fucking loads out there!

Cant believe you let your little one curse like that

J-Mc- · « **Reply #64 on:** February 22, 2012, 03:08:16 pm »

Quote from: Bobby Fowler on February 22, 2012, 03:06:56 pm

Cant believe you let your little one curse like that

You know who my kid is!? Do us a favour and introduce me please mate!

jason42 · « **Reply #65 on:** February 22, 2012, 07:21:37 pm »

Quote from: Bobby Fowler on February 22, 2012, 01:51:36 pm

my little one has recently come t ounderstand the game EYE SPY! well, when i say understand, she has the baisc premise alright but shes 3 so hasnt a clue about the the ltters and what not, its a right fookin hoot when we play it, usually in the car on the way to me mas.

One time we were playing it and the conversation went somthing along the lines as follows:

me:Eye spy with my little eye, somthing beginning with B
her:Gis a clue dad
me:its outside the car
her:clouds?
me:nope
her:gis another one dad
me:there all around (there was flocks of them flying by at the time)
her:grass?
me:nope
her:gis another clue dad
me:there black (crows)
her:cats?
me:nope
no:awe i dunno dad, can i have another clue?
me:they fly in the sky (getting to it like)
her:aeroplanes?
me:nope
her:helicopters?
me:nope
her:awe dad i dont know any more
me:ok ok, they fly in the sky, they have feathersand THEY LIVE IN THE TREES....

her: Ohhhh i know, Monkeys

I had to just leave it at that, was so funny and cute

So your 3 year old can say aeroplanes and helicopters but can't say birds??? Shocking, bloody parents need a good talking to I reckon...

Mumm-Ra · « **Reply #66 on:** February 22, 2012, 07:49:45 pm »

2 year old has a peanut allergy, so we're always telling him not to touch them, can't eat them etc.

The other day we go for a bit of potty training, he's sitting there trying to pee, unsuccessfully. He looks down at himself and says:

- that's my penis right?
- yep
- we don't touch it right?
- err...
- we're allergic right?
- ....
- we don't eat penis right?

Flaccid Bobby Fowler · « **Reply #67 on:** February 22, 2012, 08:11:13 pm »

Quote from: jason23 on February 22, 2012, 07:21:37 pm

So your 3 year old can say aeroplanes and helicopters but can't say birds??? Shocking, bloody parents need a good talking to I reckon...

In fairness I was dragging it out haha only because her randomness has me in stitches!

macca888 · « **Reply #68 on:** February 22, 2012, 08:11:50 pm »

My boy got into a little altercation with another lad in school today. The teacher told him to go outside and cool down, and as he was on the way out, the lad whispered something at him. So my lad shouts at him, "what did you just say, you fucking c*nt?" I asked him if he regretted what he'd done, and he said "yeah dad, in retrospect, I should have called him a fucking pussy."

Bless his cotton socks.

macca888 · « **Reply #69 on:** February 22, 2012, 08:13:28 pm »

Quote from: Mumm-Ra on February 22, 2012, 07:49:45 pm

2 year old has a peanut allergy, so we're always telling him not to touch them, can't eat them etc.

The other day we go for a bit of potty training, he's sitting there trying to pee, unsuccessfully. He looks down at himself and says:

- that's my penis right?
- yep
- we don't touch it right?
- err...
- we're allergic right?
- ....
- we don't eat penis right?

"No, but your mother does my son." Boom Tish.

Crimson_Tank · « **Reply #70 on:** March 3, 2012, 05:10:49 pm »

Rolling cars on the livingroom floor with my son, all of a sudden he tells me to close me eyes and not to peek... (naturally I peek to see what he is up to the little rascal).

He darts behind a door, and then oh so subtly yells "Daddy, You Can't See Me!"

Me: "You are right, I can not see you.... Why can I not see you?"

Little CT "Because I am hiding."

Me: "Hiding huh, where are you hiding at?"

Little CT: "Behind the door."

Me: "You don't say"

Little CT "I do too say Daddy."

astowell1 · « **Reply #71 on:** March 4, 2012, 04:27:33 am »

My girlfriends 8 year old step sister today;

"Get back here so I can make you crumble in my wrath!"

...Fucking shat myself.

Groundskeeper Willie · « **Reply #72 on:** March 5, 2012, 08:23:11 am »

Oldest son to a friend of mine: Don´t throw me in the basement (big grin).

Friend: No, I wont (laughs).

Kid: But you can throw Matteo down there (his younger brother).

LanceLink!!!!! · « **Reply #73 on:** March 5, 2012, 09:36:55 am »

My son and his friends are playing outside yesterday afternoon -

Son comes to the window -

Daddy daddy, Kai is stuck up a tree down the hill, can you came down and lift him out please?

Me - 'I think Kai needs to ask his own mummy or daddy to help him out of the tree really'

Well he can't because he's stuck up the tree.

Effes · « **Reply #74 on:** March 5, 2012, 08:53:12 pm »

Not so funny as such, but made me think.

When my daughter was a lot younger she said:
"Dad, I know what the biggest number in the world is.."

Me: "Really, what's that?" (expecting her to say a million million or something)

She says " Nine "

I'm like "Wha..? ? " errr? "

Her: "There's no bigger number than 9"

I'm Thinking "Fuck me, she's right"

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #75 on:** March 5, 2012, 09:09:28 pm »

What about 9.1?

Effes · « **Reply #76 on:** March 5, 2012, 09:23:25 pm »

I was expecting someone to say something like that!

Mouth · « **Reply #77 on:** March 5, 2012, 09:35:57 pm »

Quote from: King Brian Blessed IX on February 22, 2012, 03:43:19 am

Normally when my eldest girl gets a stuffed toy I ask her its name. Dogs are named dog. Cats are named cat etc etc. she got this tiny bear and as usual I asked the name. "his name is sleepy Barry" wtf? How does she even know the name Barry?

I dunno, did you try asking your wife?

macca888 · « **Reply #78 on:** March 5, 2012, 10:24:17 pm »

One of my 13 year old lads asked me to make him a glass of water the other day. I said "You can't make a glass of water, you mean pour me a glass of water." Quick as a flash he said "You can if you drip hydrogen peroxide onto a manganese IV oxide catalyst." He certainly knew his stuff, but fortunately for me, he didn't realise that water was the same colour as the glass of sulphuric acid I poured for him.

They're little Einsteins these days aren't they, the things they learn.

۩ Maximus ۩ · « **Reply #79 on:** March 5, 2012, 10:25:20 pm »

Quote from: macca888 on March 5, 2012, 10:24:17 pm

One of my 13 year old lads asked me to make him a glass of water the other day. I said "You can't make a glass of water, you mean pour me a glass of water." Quick as a flash he said "You can if you drip hydrogen peroxide onto a manganese IV oxide catalyst." He certainly knew his stuff, but fortunately for me, he didn't realise that water was the same colour as the glass of sulphuric acid I poured for him.

They're little Einsteins these days aren't they, the things they learn.

I'd be scared mate, Little Macca has the potential to take over the world - 'Pink and the Brain' style...