Topic: A Fresh Start?

[Crosby Nick]

I’m one of those who read and didn’t comment.

Biggest thing for me was what you said about if you do it, it’ll mean not seeing your kids (or seeing them very rarely). I know you’ll have thought long and hard about this already but that’s a huge decision obviously. And how would they feel if you moved that far away?

[Jookie]

I dont know how easy it is to attain jobs though. Its hard enough here in UK.

General principle is that the company hiring you needs to prove that you have relatively unique skills or experience that can't be found elsewhere in the US.

In practice I'm not sure the hurdle is that high. However, most companies won't go through the process of going through the visa application if they can get a current US citizen to do the job.

No idea of your work status and skillset so hard to say how it would work for you. When I've had opportunities it's been because a company based in US has wanted to hire me or my Wife. That's generally been the company approaching one of us for a job opportunity rather than necessarily us applying for jobs. Hard therefor to say how easy it would be if you started applying for US based jobs from a non-US location.

[Jookie]

Ive got loads of responsibilities. Mostly to do with the kids. But it just feels more exciting to move to California rather than another place in UK. I dont believe we get a good quality of life for how hard we work.

Even if it's possible your children probably become the biggest consideration. Living away from them would be hard. US jobs generally get less annual leave so coming home to visit them wouldn't be cheap or practical on a regular basis. Due to the time difference, work commitments etc.. it's surprisingly hard to find time to speak to someone who is 8h time difference. I say from personal experience after having a long distance girlfriend in California.

The other aspect is that I'm not sure the way of life is any easier in the US compared with UK. If you aren't earning lots of money, it's harder in someways. Health care being the obvious one.

If you genuinely want a different life, with a different vibe to the UK, in a country that has better social care etc.. then I'd consider Nordic countries. You'd also be closer to your kids. I've spent a fair bit of time in Sweden and Norway. Both are good countries to live (but very expensive) but like everywhere having money makes them more attractive as an overall lifestyle.

Having explored the option of living in various countries at different times, I got to he place where I didn't assume  the grass is always greener elsewhere. That'll be different for different people with very differing circumstances though.

[sattapaartridge]

You get inland in California and it can get properly shit though. Sacramento, Stockton, Roseville, places like that, I've never been but get the sense they are definitely not the 'California' you might be picturing in your head  Lots of meth, opioids and trailer parks full of neo-nazis. Just saying, you would want to take a trip over first to check it out.

You're right, I'm speaking with some friends who are in California and they're saying the same thing. "Move to san diego man, its much better." Prices of the decent properties start at around $800k.

Snip

I work in tech, I don't think I have unique enough skillset really, considering Silicon Valley is just around the corner. At the moment I do work with famous companies and have a decent reputation/experience.

Healthcare though, is a big thing. That's a great great point. As is the 8h difference.

Thing about the kids is, everything I do, would affect the kids. Even getting a normal office job. At the moment, I work from home 5 days a week, going into the office would mean not being there for the kids anyway (I dont have family to help, ex is close). But obviously, going abroad for a change is much more drastic. Maybe though, I should be looking much closer to home for this change I'm looking for.

I guess I really was just dreaming for better things. But as you say, It might not even be better than what I have here. The grass is always greener eh?!

[Jookie]

I work in tech, I don't think I have unique enough skillset really, considering Silicon Valley is just around the corner. At the moment I do work with famous companies and have a decent reputation/experience.

Healthcare though, is a big thing. That's a great great point. As is the 8h difference.

Thing about the kids is, everything I do, would affect the kids. Even getting a normal office job. At the moment, I work from home 5 days a week, going into the office would mean not being there for the kids anyway (I dont have family to help, ex is close). But obviously, going abroad for a change is much more drastic. Maybe though, I should be looking much closer to home for this change I'm looking for.

I guess I really was just dreaming for better things. But as you say, It might not even be better than what I have here. The grass is always greener eh?!

I wouldn't rule anything out in terms of getting a job there.

Part of the process of moving somewhere new is scoping it out. Part of that is seeing if it's possible. But most importantly, it's finding out if a new environment is likely to suit your desires and needs. Those needs are going to be different for different people. They'll probably be different for the same person at different times in there life.

Whilst not moving away from the UK I've explored it a few times. Additionally, I've moved around parts of England. Initially in my very early 20's I moved away from Liverpool (though had lived elsewhere for part of Uni beforehand) I'm glad I did so I saw another part of the UK.

Since then I've moved around a fair bit more. I now live in East Anglia in a sleepy, but nice town. I would have hated it at 25. Probably even at 35. Now I'm in my 40's and have young (pre-teen) kids then it's the perfect place to live. It might not be the perfect place to live when I'm 60 (for example).

The 1 big issue with moving area, even within the UK, is the activation energy required to create a new life and relationships in a new place. If you are busy with work, kids etc.. it can easily become quite insular where the relationships you have are either working one (and they are different if you are the boss) or those with your immediate core family (i..e partner and kids). It really takes effort and time to get to feel comfortable in a new place and for all of the family to establish their core relationships outside of the immediate relations. That's harder as you get older as well since going out socialising with colleagues is harder, as is joining certain sports clubs (for example playing Sunday league). You also don't have things like the school run or kids clubs where you can meet other parents. It's not impossible though.

[moondog]

Having moved from Liverpool to just outside Los Angeles, I can speak from personal experience here. Firstly, you 100% have to go visit for a lengthy period to see with your own eyes the locations and work situation you are looking for. For example, you mention San Diego, in theory a wonderful location- in reality a downtown actually filled with homeless people in tents lined up along the pavement and gang issues that just this week have seen one of my lad’s friends shot dead in a playground, let’s not even mention the general gun issues across the country, but California has them as bad as anywhere.
It is so easy to find yourself in the wrong place, it is not all Malibu and Woodland Hills perfection.
Everything in California is expensive, maybe the cheap property you have seen is that for a reason- we could not find a good 4 bed house in a nice area with too schools for less than 1.2 million $/£ .
Healthcare is wildly expensive and you do not want to be hospitalised in America without good healthcare or you will find yourself in a tent in downtown San Diego too.
People work into their 80s for healthcare coverage and to fund their lifestyle , living in the sunshine comes at a price and that never goes down.
Travelling across the city takes ages and seeing crashes daily is a part of the commute.
I’m not saying don’t do it, just scope it out carefully first.
Btw, we lasted about 18 months and then came straight back to Liverpool, instead of working for another 25? Years in sunny California, we retired 4 years later and visit CA regularly.

Your main point about life changes is totally valid but from personal experience I would suggest that the grass is not always greener on the other side, stay and water your own grass.

[sattapaartridge]

I guess a long holiday there might be the next step to take, even if its not a viable future, it may be a soul searching exercise that I need to do.

Jookie, I'm originally from the midlands, been in London for about 21 years, and next year, it would be 22 years, and equals the amount of time I've been in Leicester, I don't know why, but something is triggering me about this landmark. I guess I've been working 21 years non-stop and feel somewhat like good things are passing me by. I don't know if that makes any sense. Its not like I've been miserable for 21 years. I guess I just want to do something fun. I'm in my early 40's too, but I've had quite a tough last 3 years.

moondog, yeah, I have mentioned more boring areas previously, but you might be right, I may have this fantasy in my mind that doesn't really marry up to reality. Whereabouts do you visit when you go back to CA? Congratulations on retirement! Maybe that's what i should do, just retire early, and live in somewhere like Horton (just randomly looked on a map for something in the middle of nowhere).

[Jookie]

Jookie, I'm originally from the midlands, been in London for about 21 years, and next year, it would be 22 years, and equals the amount of time I've been in Leicester, I don't know why, but something is triggering me about this landmark. I guess I've been working 21 years non-stop and feel somewhat like good things are passing me by. I don't know if that makes any sense. Its not like I've been miserable for 21 years. I guess I just want to do something fun. I'm in my early 40's too, but I've had quite a tough last 3 years.

I'm similar in that I had about 21 years in Liverpool and then the next 21 years elsewhere. I think there's the natural inclination to weigh that type of stuff up as it comes along. I did the same.

Equally I think those type of nuances coming up in your 40's means it coincides with other considerations. Your early 40's for most will come at a time when your parents start to become old. From a personal viewpoint my parents vulnerability as they enter 70's, has provided me with a wake up call to the fact I'm getting older. My children getting older (but pre-teen) makes me realise that they are <10 years away from both leaving home.

Those combined factors make you think about your own age, life choices and mortality. I think your 40's and probably early 50's is the time when it comes into focus more sharply. Feels like a time when you may weigh things up but also feel like there's genuinely time to change things. I think that's potentially natural to happen whether you think you life is going smoothly or not.

I'm pretty happy with my life in loads of aspects but I've had these thoughts recently. Vulnerability driven by age (or apparent closeness to older age) aligned with nostalgia of 20's/30's makes it difficult not to have more deeper thoughts about where life is heading.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I doubt it's unusual to have these thoughts about life when you enter you 40's/50's. I don't like the term 'mid-life crisis' but it's definitely  a thing noted in society. Mid life reflection might be a better term and one  I imagine most people have.

[sattapaartridge]

You've probably nailed it there Jookie, mid-life-reflection is definitely something. My boys are 12 and 8, but I'm going through a divorce now, so at the moment, things are a bit tight on one salary, and life is just one massive unknown for me. But at the same time there is a certain sense of upcoming freedom.

I'm also thinking about getting more "bang for my buck" FSG style. I guess it does feel like a race to happiness, knowing your mortality is catching up on you, and trying to do something about it. My Dad died at 59 years old, (he was an alcoholic though), and indian's tend to have a much lower life expectancy, which is quite scary. I guess that's where the word "crisis" comes into it.

Sorry if this doesnt quite make sense. My mind is a bit jumbled at the moment.

[AndyInVA]

The people I’ve heard who talk like you in the US move to Costs Rica. It has socialized healthcare and apparently a good standard of life for much less money. Also tech type people who move to cheap parts of Asia and live comfortably. The hurdles to living and working (legally) in the US are substantial and need to be part of your investigation.

Not sure how you landed on California, but there are probably easier places with less admin hurdles. Vancouver looks pretty cool, not too far away and probably easier to move to as a Brit.

[AndyInVA]

There was another thread like this where I think several of us who are 40s/50s basically contemplate where the heck we are going in life and just feel like life is a grind and contemplate what we can do to make life have more value.

[sattapaartridge]

One things for sure, the Costa Rican girls are super-frickin-sexy?

Yup, my life is at a cross-roads, I need to make some tough decisions to make it happier.

[Claire.]

Yup, my life is at a cross-roads, I need to make some tough decisions to make it happier.

Not to be a wet blanket here mate and I'm just another knobhead on the internet so do whatever you want, but sounds like you're reacting emotionally to your current situation and in a few months once things settle down you might find your view will change, it might be something simple you'll take joy in than completely up ending your life. In short, don't rush in to something drastic and take care of yourself.

[rob1966]

Not to be a wet blanket here mate and I'm just another knobhead on the internet so do whatever you want, but sounds like you're reacting emotionally to your current situation and in a few months once things settle down you might find your view will change, it might be something simple you'll take joy in than completely up ending your life. In short, don't rush in to something drastic and take care of yourself.

My kids are 12 and 14 and I cannot imagine being 5,000 miles away from them, I'd miss them far too much and also feel I'm failing as a father for leaving them when they haven't done anything to deserve that.

[Grobbelrevell]

I have no real understanding of the visa situation for the States (although my perception is that it's a long way from straight forward), but just out of interest, have you looked at other options? If you're looking for English speaking, Canada, New Zealand and Australia are obvious alternatives you could explore, depending on precisely what you were looking for.

My family and I emigrated from the UK to Australia a little over a year ago so I can speak to that one, and personally, I don't regret it for a second. There are of course things that I occasionally miss, mostly friends and the footy, but aside from that, the lifestyle here in comparison to what we had in England doesn't compare in my eyes. In case you were interested in taking a look at Australia (purely because that's the one that I know the most about), the best way of getting in permanently is via what they define as a skilled occupation (unless you have family there already, or a shit tonne of money). The list for that changes regularly but you can find it here:

https://immi.homeaffairs.gov.au/visas/working-in-australia/skill-occupation-list

I know you said you worked in IT, and as it happens, I got my visa via previous experience in IT Support (even though at the time of applying I'd moved away from that role and had no intention of going back to it). The other thing I did was use an emigration agent (specifically, The Emigration Group, albeit I think they've ceased operations in the UK following Covid doing them in pretty badly). One benefit to using an agent was that, once I had a file open with them, they monitored the skills list for me on an ongoing basis and contacted me whenever I had a live option to see if it was one I'd like to pursue. They also, for a while, were looking for options in New Zealand as well as Australia, simultaneously, keeping options open. Might be worth having a chat with a similar company to see what options you might have in a bit more detail.

Anyway, just thought I'd float some obvious other options, in case you hadn't considered them yet and were potentially interested. Happy to answer any questions if the Aussie route is something you might look at.

That all said, there is a lot of truth in this as well:

In short, don't rush in to something drastic and take care of yourself.

No harm in having an obligation free chat about options, and while you do that you have plenty of time to have a big think about what you want to actually do. For me, I'd spent a decade trying to find a way out here, so I was dead set on it for a long time, and had lived here twice previously, so knew it was something I wanted to do.

If this is your dream, though, it's never too late to chase it 

[Crosby Nick]

Where abouts did you end up Grob? Remember you talking about making the move.

[Grobbelrevell]

Where abouts did you end up Grob? Remember you talking about making the move.

We're in Perth, Nick. Had 6 months in Adelaide when we first moved over (because of COVID border closures in WA), but drove over here in June last year when they opened up.

[sattapaartridge]

Not to be a wet blanket here mate and I'm just another knobhead on the internet so do whatever you want, but sounds like you're reacting emotionally to your current situation and in a few months once things settle down you might find your view will change, it might be something simple you'll take joy in than completely up ending your life. In short, don't rush in to something drastic and take care of yourself.

You're not, you're just being realistic. Which is good. When I said today, I need to make some big decisions, I didn't necessarily mean moving to California. I'm still looking for improvement domestically, a new house or car, provided through a new job. I drove around Burnham Village in Buckinghamshire this weekend, and my kids didn't like the idea of moving there even.

snip

A few of my friends have immigrated to California and some that have immigrated to Australia and New Zealand. I never really considered Australia because I lived with someone from Perth for 4 years. He kinda put me off! Massive Liverpool fan who consistently said "sell Heskey, he's a donkey, we should get mark viduka eh." Did loads of cocaine, worked at red rooster, and called people wogs. I dont like to generalise too much and hey, America isn't much better it seems with guns, neo-nazi's and opioid pandemics.

I really do commend people who have taken that jump abroad you know. It feels exciting and you're doing something to better your life and your children's. I probably wont leave my children.  If it doesn't happen for me, I'd definitely encourage my kids to move abroad.

It's good to dream though eh. I will probably go to California in the near future, just to scope it out, visit some friends etc. That might be all the excitement I'd need. Who knows.