Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny

[liverbloke]

I'm currently at one of those Swiss Suicide Clinics and guess what was dished up for breakfast?  A nice big bowl of cheerio's

that's dead funny 

[BlackandWhitePaul]

that's dead funny 

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.   

[bradders1011]

Kids in China always enjoy jokes about euthanasia.

[BlackandWhitePaul]

The wife asked me what's me plans for Easter?  so I told her same as Jesus.

Disappear on Friday afternoon then turn up again on Monday morning.   

[24/7]

Lampard to Chelsea.

Funny enough for you? 

[BlackandWhitePaul]

Lampard to Chelsea.

Funny enough for you? 

I been telling myself for absolutely ages, if I wait long enough Jimbo will come up with a good un.


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Sadly, todays not the day.   

[24/7]

I been telling myself for absolutely ages, if I wait long enough Jimbo will come up with a good un.

Sadly, todays not the day.   

Shut up and stem yer nosebleed, you table-climbing barcode meff. Toons are so high up, you need oxygen cos you're not used to it

[Statto Red]

I see today is Bob Hoskins day



The Long Good Friday.

[liverbloke]

a man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence only being allowed to speak once every 5 years

after 5 years the head monk asks him how he's getting on - 'well, i could do with a new pillowcase' the man replies

another 5 years pass and the head monk visits him and asks him how is he doing - 'well, my room is a little chilly in the colder months' he answers

another 5 years go by and the head monk enters his room and asks the man if there's anything he needs - 'well, i could do with a new candle as this one has nearly run out' he says

another 5 years later and the head monk visits him once more and asks him if he is happy with the life of being a monk - 'well, to be honest' he answers 'i don't think this is the life for me'

the head monk replies '...and neither do i as all you've done since you got here is moan moan bloody moan!'

[liverbloke]

i bumped into an old mate the other day

i asked him what he was up to these days

he said - i mainly deal with drunks, down and outs, homeless people, wasters and drug dealers

i said - wow that's amazing, which charity do you work for

he said - wetherspoons

[Only Me]

Fella comes running into his house one night after a long day at work.

"Quick, Quick!" he says to his wife. "get me a beer from the fridge before it starts again"

The wife obliges, and he chugs it down in one go.

"Another, another" he says, even more panicked "Before it starts again".

Same thing happens, and he downs that one too.

"Again, again!" he screams, "Quickly, before it starts again"

His wife is completely pissed off at this point. "Who the fuck are you to order me about? And how many beers are you planning to have, by the way? I've been here all daydoing housework and you come running in demanding beer"

*Too late he says. Its fucking started again."

[bradders1011]

Did you hear about the pony with a sore throat?

He was a little hoarse.





^{_{This must have been done before}}

[liverbloke]

Did you hear about the pony with a sore throat?

He was a little hoarse.
...

i don't mean to nag you but that's bad

[Chakan]

i don't mean to nag you but that's bad

Could almost accuse him of foal play

[Elmo!]

i don't mean to nag you but that's bad

He's had a mare here.

[afc tukrish]

i don't mean to nag you but that's bad

No need to get all whinny about it...

[SamLad]

He's had a mare here.

neigh, lad.

[bradders1011]

It's not bad considering I made it up on the hoof

[SamLad]

It's not bad considering I made it up on the hoof

yeah but no need to saddle all of us with it is there.

[24/7]

No need to get all whinny about it...

Don't worry. It won't be furlong.

[TepidT2O]

Don't worry. It won't be furlong.

[afc tukrish]

Don't worry. It won't be furlong.

As long as no one complains to their mudder...

[Ghost Town]

Never reins but it pours round here

[Son of Spion]

Once RAWKites get the bit between their teeth the puns gallop on endlessly.

[24/7]

Once RAWKites get the bit between their teeth the puns gallop on endlessly.

They're hedging their bets for tomorrow.

[liverbloke]

i've just been sacked from my job as a set designer for the local theatre

i left without making a scene

[jambutty]

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

[bradders1011]

What do you call a shit DJ?

Techno Notice.

[liverbloke]

What do you call a shit DJ?

Techno Notice.

for the record - that's another poor one 

[Crosby Nick]

for the record - that's another poor one 

Yeah, he must be on a vinyl warning by now.

[Elmo!]

No need for all the needle.

[afc tukrish]

No need for all the needle.

Just put a different spin on it, maybe?

[Ghost Town]

I'm expecting many replies to that joke. Between 33 and 45. Are PMs allowed?

[Elmo!]

We've only scratched the surface.

[24/7]

Leave him alone. He's only trying to mix things up a bit! He's old and tired - about 78 maybe....

[John C]

Yeah, he must be on a vinyl warning by now.

[Fitzy.]

i went to bed last night and the last thing i did was pull my boxers off

my wife said i spoil those dogs

Made me laugh.

Sent to colleague (good friend) during a Teams meeting to see his reaction - he had to turn off his screen.

[BarryCrocker]

What do you call a shit DJ?

Techno Notice.

Styless.

[liverbloke]

oooooo i really love it when my girlfriend puts on a nurse's uniform


...it means she's off to work and i can watch the footy

[liverbloke]

dame edna everage died recently

what a drag