Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny

[farawayred]

(the duck joke) 

[mickl]

Members of the public are warned to be on the lookout for Joseph Gomez, a Spaniard, last heard of living in Tooting, whose mother had taken vows and was a nun in Barcelona.

A one-time flautist with The Liverpool  Symphony Orchestra, he is wanted by Israeli and Interpol police for looting in Haifa, where he worked on a farm.

The police urge people to lookout for a Haifa-looting fluting Tooting son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time ploughboy Joe

[Fitzy.]

I was certain that the duck joke would have a 'bill' related pun...sadly it wasn't even that good.

[Fitzy.]

When asked, Michael Jackson was always very sure about his pronouns. Without fail, he always said: "Heee, heee!".

[24/7]

I was certain that the duck joke would have a 'bill' related pun...sadly it wasn't even that good.

That's oddie. Am sure I saw one on the web......

[Fitzy.]

That's oddie. Am sure I saw one on the web......

I love a good duck joke - quack me up.

[afc tukrish]

I love a good duck joke - quack me up.

Not me, fail to see what all the flap is about...

[liverbloke]

it was only a duck joke - stop getting your feathers in a ruffle you lot 

[TheMissionary]

it was only a duck joke - stop getting your feathers in a ruffle you lot 

Yes Mallard.

[Terry de Niro]

Not my work. Lifted from facebook.


Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
 "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
 "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
 "A what?" asked the builder.
 "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
 A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
 "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
 "A pond" the builder replied.
 "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
 "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
 "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
 "Never!" the builder exclaimed.
 "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
 "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
 "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
 "No" replied his mate.
 "Well, you're a wanker then!"

[liverbloke]

just made this up 


a mate of mine told me he turned down work putting up cul-de-sac road signs

he said it sounded like a dead end job

[liverbloke]

went to the doctors and he said 'i haven't seen you for a while'

and i said 'yeh, i've been ill'

[bradders1011]

My son got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 20 years.

He's hoping for a speaking part next time.

[bradders1011]

Someone's nicked all the wheels off the local police vans.

Coppers are working tyrelessly to find him.

[Son of Spion]

Someone's nicked all the wheels off the local police vans.

Coppers are working tyrelessly to find him.

Funny that. The toilets were stolen from our local police station.

As yet, they've got nothing to go on.

[SamLad]

a new police station is being built near us, on Letzby Avenue.

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

I love a good duck joke - quack me up.

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you fucking deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard fucking bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

I love a good duck joke - quack me up.

Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk & asks for a condom. They ask "Shall we put it on your bill" and he replies "are u thucking thupid I'll thucking thuffocate!"

[amir87]

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

I love a good duck joke - quack me up.

A man goes to the movie theater and notices what looks like a duck sitting next to him. So he leans over and asks  "Are you a duck?" , "Yes." Said the Duck. So the man asked “Hope you don’t mind all the questions but What are you doing at the movies?" .The duck replied, "Well, I really liked  the book”

[SamLad]

A man goes to the movie theater and notices what looks like a duck sitting next to him. So he leans over and asks  "Are you a duck?" , "Yes." Said the Duck. So the man asked “Hope you don’t mind all the questions but What are you doing at the movies?" .The duck replied, "Well, I really liked  the book”

[24/7]

That totally quacked me up.

[bradders1011]

My wife asked "Are you listening to me?"

I thought "That's an odd way to start a conversation."

[Mumm-Ra]

My wife asked "Are you listening to me?"

I thought "That's an odd way to start a conversation."

[sminp]

Funny that. The toilets were stolen from our local police station.

As yet, they've got nothing to go on.

Someone’s dug a massive hole in the road outside our local police station. Police say they’re looking into it.

[liverbloke]

while at the traffic lights i saw an AA man in a van sobbing his heart out

i thought - he's heading for a breakdown

[Son of Spion]

We sold our vacuum cleaner this morning. It was just gathering dust.

[liverbloke]

We sold our vacuum cleaner this morning. It was just gathering dust.

that joke sucks 

[SamLad]

that joke sucks 

it behooves us to mock it.

[Son of Spion]

I used to go out with a Russian doll, but she was so full of herself.

[SamLad]

I used to go out with a Russian doll, but she was so full of herself.

[liverbloke]

i'm getting really frustrated

i just can't find any of my old dirty magazines

i haven't came across any for ages

[bradders1011]

My friend is making a love potion so a boy she likes will fall for her, but she isn't sure whether it'll work.

Elixir?

Yeah, that'd be a good sign.

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

Putin is being held hostage by a terrorist. Meanwhile, A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

A poor man asks a rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
 
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

The Pope is early for his flight.
So he asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Dick?”

[kavah]

^ ha ha - nice ones capon. Good to see you

[Fitzy.]

Some solid gold there, Capon

[liverbloke]

my missus has spent the last 3 nights in the back room reading a dictionary

...i think she's up to something