The atmosphere really does bother me.
I left Liverpool back in 2007, I actually took the train to Stansted from Lime Street just a day or two after Torres was announced. The season before I had attended not every home game but close to it, and even then the atmosphere bothered me. The european nights were absolutely fantastic. Even though I usually sit upper centenary close to anfield road I could hear the kop three times as loud as the away fans, and every time I did I would join in. And I did that because I knew that most of the people around me would also join in. But something was lost. And it was lost far before that.
I'm not against tourism but the one time it did bother me was during the 05/06-season. Maybe it was because of Istanbul, but if you were having a pint before the game and someone came up talking to you, it was almost 50/50 that their accent was scouse. I may be exaggerating but that's how it felt. And even though I don't give a fuck where you're from, when we were in the ground the singing was scouse. So where were the other accents, the ones filling large parts of the grounds? Well, they weren't singing were they. And it started to bother me.
I think it was Blackburn at home back in 2006, shit game, ended 1-1. Actually, I think it was Sheffield. Anyway, Anfield was a library and I thought fuck it, so I stood up and tried to get FOAR going. Just because every single person in the ground will know it. People around me, once again in the upper centenary, looked at me as if I was an absolute idiot and a steward told me to sit down. Can you believe that? Told me to sit the fuck down. And when he did, I didn't give a fuck whether his accent was scouse. It's just awful. And that's probably the last time I tried to get a song going.
These days a trip to Anfield costs me a fortune because I live and work in Sweden. There are a few Liverpool supporters here that I'm in touch with and they're all good, so I never watch a game alone really. I went with one of them to watch Arsenal, his first trip to Anfield. I took him out drinking the night before and he loved the city, the people. Then when we woke up he was absolutely buzzing (I was slightly hungover mind). He had waited his whole life for the trip (never had much money, the lad) and I think he loved every moment. I wish I remember that moment myself, the first time I was getting to L4 seeing the kop, first time hearing YNWA. This was right after the man city game so I was quite optimistic myself, about the game anyway.
So we get into the ground right when the players are walking off the pitch for their warm up. YNWA goes on when they come back out and it was as fantastic as he thought it would be - in fact, YNWA against Arsenal was impressive. And after that, Anfield goes quiet and the Arsenal fans are singing loud and clear. And for the first time in my entire life I felt ashamed. I've been ashamed before, but I've never been ashamed to be a Liverpool fan. Not ever. But I couldn't help it. I had brought my mate for the first time to Anfield and I felt like I had some sort of responsibility, he had saved for over a year to get there, but Anfield was the library I saw for the first time in 2006. And we were surrounded by scousers, talking like me, seen the things I've seen, but they just sat quiet telling Nuri Sahin to fuck off. Pissed me off, and when we walked out of the ground I think my mate was feeling a bit down, disheartened. Not because of the result I don't think, but because Anfield wasn't what I had told him it would be. I had told my mate about the european nights, about the big games vs Everton and Utd, and then when he finally gets there he sees nothing of it. And it certainly wasn't his fault, he tried to sing more than I did. Maybe because he hadn't experienced what I experienced back in 2006. Can't get myself to sing alone anymore.
We've been humiliated on the pitch, we've got dark days in our past, I've seen our fans sing awful songs, I've seen our fans do awful things during away trips, but the first time I ever felt ashamed of being a Liverpool supporter was that one day. And I hope it will never happen again, because something was lost that day and eventually all will be lost. And that will be the last time I bother paying 600 quid for a trip to anfield.