Topic: Compromising Positions

[paddysour]

How about a slightly warmed tortilla?

There's also the option of Salsa if you want to be freaky and pretend it's that time of the month.

[Garstonite]

There's also the option of Salsa if you want to be freaky and pretend it's that time of the month.

Good idea. I might bathe my eyes in Jalapeno sauce while I'm at it.

[The 5th Benitle]

Jar of liver and be done with it. You lot and your fancy new-fangled foodstuffing

[Art Vandelay]

If you had any choice of loaf, surely you'd go for the baguette?  It would give you the added bonus that when you caught glimpse of yourself in a mirror, whilst you'd feel self-loathing, you could at least pretend you were large enough to fill it.

The downside would be that you may start to subconsciously associate the smell of fresh bread with sex....which could lead to some embarrassment in bakeries.

[ben138]

 

Was the video from before they were together, or was that the reason she wasn't doing it with him?

No they were together @ the time 

Do you have the said video to back up this story?

No showed it to a mutual mate to confirm it and then deleted it 

[stevedo]

If you had any choice of loaf, surely you'd go for the baguette?  It would give you the added bonus that when you caught glimpse of yourself in a mirror, whilst you'd feel self-loathing, you could at least pretend you were large enough to fill it.

The downside would be that you may start to subconsciously associate the smell of fresh bread with sex....which could lead to some embarrassment in bakeries.

These days most supermarkets pump the fresh bread smell around the store.
They also may wonder how your going through a loaf a day.

[Kuks]

I don't know...jelly could work too right? At least better than bread?

[Crosby Nick]

I don't know...jelly could work too right? At least better than bread?

Not sure this is a forum for swapping ideas. Send The 5th Benitle a PM if you want some really innovative suggestions though.

[What's the procedure Mr Mod?]

For the record, is there any specific bread type that you'd recommend? Tiger loaf? Wholemeal?

I've never actually done it, of course, but I imagine you'd need a fairly sturdy loaf with a decent crust on it so that the sides are strong enough to stand the vice like grip of a man in full flow. It needs to be soft inside, you don't want any seeds or nowt poncy either, sunflowers seeds down your old man is not good. The water is to soften it inside and make it warm, but not too much or it'll be like knocking off a box of porridge.

Edited to keep King Solomon happy  - I do understand what you mean though.

[Finn Solomon]

Let's not get this thread locked guys!

[Brian Blessed]

Let's not get this thread locked guys!

someones taking notes.

[SerbianScouser]

This thread reminds me of :

[.adam]

Some absolutely cracking stories in here.

[mbyx6cg2]

someones taking notes.

Or making a shopping list?

[my name canged back to tucker?]

Didn't she make any sex noises to help you to a finish? Damn inconsiderate if she didn't!!

that's what i was thinking,

[Crosby Nick]

that's what i was thinking,

Welcome! Talk about finding your spiritual home!

[Brian Blessed]

Or making a shopping list?

haha, too true.

[Samee]

Reading this thread has given me a strange craving for a sausage and mayo sandwich.

[Doc Evil]

that's what i was thinking,

[Brian Blessed]

Reading this thread has given me a strange craving for a sausage and mayo sandwich.

by sausage you mean...?

[Anywhichwayicant]

by sausage you mean...?

I'd assume German.

[Angelius]

Because of you fuckers and this glorious, glorious thread, a trip to the bakery is never going to be the same again.

[mildale]

If you're going to fuck a couch you need a warm flannel in between cushions. So I've heard.

[Snail]

If you're going to fuck a couch you need a warm flannel in between cushions. So I've heard.

Now I'm picturing someone fucking their sofa. Brilliant.

[Lady_brandybuck]

Because of you fuckers and this glorious, glorious thread, a trip to the bakery is never going to be the same again.

Nor buying and eating watermelons

[redgriffin73]

The night before my best mates wedding he stayed at my place because his wife to be was staying at their place. The following morning I was in my bathroom shaving, whistling away to myself. Next thing I turned around and there he was with the morning paper in hand, sitting on my jax bowl taking a massive dump and making all sorts of unsavory noises in the process. At first I was shocked and then I almost started empty reaching. "You fucking dirty bastard" I said. He looked at me confused and said "what the fucks wrong with you? I can't walk up the aisle without emptying the tank". My mate is in the army you see, and has spent time oversees in places where taking a dump in full view of others is quiet normal. He literally thought nothing of walking in while I was there and dropping his load. Later that day, whilst having the meal and the reception, he started winding me up saying "if you're going for a dump later give me a shout and I'll join you".

Anyways, last Christmas on my journey home from Belfast, I phoned my mate up and told him I was on my way home. He said to call to his place for a few beers and a get together. When I got home and called to his place his car was in the drive, but his wifes car was gone, so I assumed he was home alone. I let myself in and noticed no one was around. I called his name, but there was no answer. So I walked upstairs where I noticed the bathroom door was open. I could hear the shower going so I assumed that's why he couldn't hear me when I called him. Then I thought I'd surprise him by pulling my pants down and sitting on his jax bowl to pretend I was taking a shite. So I sat there on the bog patiently with my drawers down, with my bollox in full view, magazine in hand, waiting for him to pull back the shower curtain and see me in all my glory

As the water stopped I thought here we go, this is going to be hilarious. Except it wasn't him who was in the bastard shower was it? No, it was his wife. As she pulled back the shower curtain I yelled "Surpri......". Then I just froze in horror when I realized it was her and not him. He had taken her car to go up to the shop. She started screaming and covered her private parts before hiding back in behind the curtain. Then she screamed "Billy what the fuck are you doing in my fucking bathroom you sick fucking bastard". I was still frozen in shock and didn't know what the fuck to say. Eventually I thought I'd better get the fuck out of here. So I stood up, whimpered "I'm sorry, I thought you were Paul" and flushed the fucking toilet. That's right, to make matters worse I flushed the fucker. Don't ask me why, I hadn't even dropped one out, it had only been for show. I was just in such a state of embarrassment that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Me and her didn't talk much over the Christmas

Brilliant story! My favourite bit is the fact that you thought telling her it was actually her husband you were waiting to surprise would make things better.

[redgriffin73]

This thread reminds me of :

My first thought too.

[TepidT2O]

Now I'm picturing someone fucking their sofa. Brilliant.

It could be worse......








Actually...now I've said that I can't think of much worse... I feel Ill

[mildale]

It could be worse......








Actually...now I've said that I can't think of much worse... I feel Ill

The person who told me this was ginger, so it can get worse.

[TepidT2O]

The person who told me this was ginger, so it can get worse.

Ginger sofa shagger?


Did you call him gingrito?

[mildale]

Ginger sofa shagger?


Did you call him gingrito?

Not to his face because he's bigger than me.

[Snail]

The person who told me this was ginger, so it can get worse.

Oh Jesus no.

[Doc Evil]

Ginger sofa shagger?


Did you call him gingrito?

If he has to have a nick name, isn't this more up Rooney's street?

[Crosby Nick]

Now I'm picturing someone fucking their sofa. Brilliant.

If that gets him going he must feel like he's in Amsterdam whenever he walks past his local DFS.

[jack witham]

Lad I worked with told me he used to get his girlfriend to put his plumbs in her mouth
and then hum" God save the queen".
He reckons its best feeling ever.
Never tried it myself.

[Chakan]

Lad I worked with told me he used to get his girlfriend to put his plumbs in her mouth
and then hum" God save the queen".
He reckons its best feeling ever.
Never tried it myself.

You think his gf will be up for it?

[Anywhichwayicant]

Lad I worked with told me he used to get his girlfriend to put his plumbs in her mouth
and then hum" God save the queen".
He reckons its best feeling ever.
Never tried it myself.

I'd rather look at her humming with a punnet of strawberries in her gob.

[What's the procedure Mr Mod?]

Not to his face because he's bigger than me.

And you'd be accused of being gingerist.

[Brian Blessed]

Lad I worked with told me he used to get his girlfriend to put his plumbs in her mouth
and then hum" God save the queen".
He reckons its best feeling ever.
Never tried it myself.

open your mouth and we'll give it a go.

[The 5th Benitle]

Does it only work with that song? How about 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm' by Crash Test Dummies?