Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

[Terry de Niro]

I bought a world map today, l gave my wife a dart and said 'Throw a dart and wherever it lands, l'm taking you for a holiday'

Turns out we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

[Only Me]

When I was young we were so poor that I once got a wrapped up empty cardboard box for Christmas.

My dad told me it was a limited edition Action Man deserter.

[afc tukrish]

I bought a world map today, l gave my wife a dart and said 'Throw a dart and wherever it lands, l'm taking you for a holiday'

Turns out we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Barney can bring a new one by...

[Fitzy.]

Two hunters out looking for dear in the woods. The ground was slippery and one of the hunters fell over and cracked his head very badly on a rock leaving him motionless. The other hunter became very worried and called the emergency services.

“Hello, I think my friend is dead!” He cried.

“Ok, slow down. Let’s first make sure that your friend is actually dead”

Pause…followed by a loud shotgun firing.

“Right, what now?”

[Fitzy.]

“I’ve got a great Batman impression. Wanna hear it?”

“Yeah, go on”

“OH NO! It’s cryptonite!”

“That’s superman”

“Thank you, I’ve been practicing”

[SvenJohansen]

Wife: Now that we're married, you have to get rid of some of your bikes.

Husband: You sound like my ex-wife.

Wife: I didn't know you were married before!

Husband: I wasn't.

[Boston Bosox]

Seeing It's St Patrick's Day


“A Garda is driving along O’Connell Street when he notices two men pissing up against the door of a restaurant. He stops and sprints over to them.

He asks the first man for his name and address. The man replies with, ‘I’m Oisin O’Meara of no fixed abode.’

The Garda turns to the second man and asks him the same question.

He replies, ‘I’m Michael Glynn, and I live in the apartment next-door to Oisin!'”

[Boston Bosox]

“Sheamus nipped into his local pub on the way back home from a visit to the doctor. ‘What’s the craic?’ Martin asks when he sees the worried look on Sheamus’s face.

‘I haven’t been feeling myself lately’, Sheamus replied. ‘That’s good’ says Martin. ‘Sure you’d be arrested for less!'”

[Boston Bosox]

“It was a chilly Friday night when the doorbell rang in Mrs Molloy’s home. When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husband’s manager at the local brewery, was stood outside.

‘Pat. What’s wrong? Where’s my husband? He should have been home from work hours ago?’

The man sighed. ‘I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs Molloy, but there was an accident over in the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned’.

‘Oh my God’ she replied. ‘Please tell me it was quick?!’

‘Well… no. It wasn’t. He climbed out 4 times to take a piss’.”

[Statto Red]

Sterling,s free kick now traching on flightradar24.com.

[Fitzy.]

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

[capt k]

Q:What do you get when you cross a rooster and an onion???

A: a cock thatll make your eyes water

[Fitzy.]

Friend of mine got a penis extension.

Now his house looks really stupid.

[afc tukrish]

Friend of mine got a penis extension.

Now his house looks really stupid.

Sounds as though it's quite an erection...

[farawayred]

Friend of mine got a penis extension.

Now his house looks really stupid.

Too much hung over the cliff?

[Boston Bosox]

There are three naughty boys in a classroom: Zip, Dick, and Pea.
The teacher leaves the room and Zip gets on top of her desk, Dick goes inside a cabinet, and Pea runs out the window and waves. The teacher comes back and says, “Hey! Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!”

[Boston Bosox]

A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel attached to the front of his pants.
“Isn’t that uncomfortable?” asks the bartender. The pirate replies, “YARR, It’s driving me nuts!”

[Boston Bosox]

We held a kitchen disco in our kitchen the other week

We decided on a BeeGee theme event

Someone heard a tune coming out the fridge

When we looked it was just the "Chive talkin"

[Boston Bosox]

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and then burn them

I did that

Now I don't know what to do with the letters

[Statto Red]

I see today is Bob Hoskins day


The Long Good Friday.

[Boston Bosox]

I see today is Bob Hoskins day


The Long Good Friday.

Or The Wrong Good Friday 


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69evHUUmYcs

[Boston Bosox]

I was sent to prison and was getting acquainted with my new cellmate

Me - Nice to meet you, but I won't be here long

Cellmate - But the judge sent you down for 6 years

Me - Yeah I know, but I think my wife is gonna break me out

Cellmate - Why

Me - Easy, she has never let me finish a sentence before, why start now

[Boston Bosox]

It is with much sadness, that I must say goodbye to the this group that I feel such a part of
My wife is complaining, saying I spend to much time with you guys
And she can't stand it any more, and told me - its either her or this group...

So I will be gone for a few minutes while I pack her bags and call a taxi for her

[Terry de Niro]

I'm No Pancake Expert But I Know A Tosser When I See One.

[Keith Lard]

Who is the stinkiest player for England?

Smellie Watkins

[Statto Red]

I just watched a video of Mark Goldbridge having a meltdown over Man Utd's 4-3 loss to Chelsea last night.

I always thought he was a melt Down.

[kesey]

I walks into the library asking for a book about turtles . The librarian fella goes hard back. So I goes I hope so.

[Boston Bosox]

I walked past Goodison Park and saw 4 Season Tickets nailed to a fence. I thought I'm having them, you can never have enough nails.

[Terry de Niro]

I walked past Goodison Park and saw 4 Season Tickets nailed to a fence. I thought I'm having them, you can never have enough nails.

I walked past Goodison Park the other week and heard a huge roar. I asked the fella at one of the gates have they scored a goal and he replied, "no, the pies have just arrived"

[24/7]

I walked past Goodison Park the other week. That's it. No punchline needed. I was just laughing....

[Boston Bosox]

Did you hear the joke about the wall?

You'll never get over it.



I beat the wife at a game of Scrabble, so she started throwing words at me that begin with TH.

I managed to dodge this, there, and then, but I didn't see that coming.



I've just started a band called 999 megabytes..

We havn't done a gig yet




This young man buys his 90 year old Grandfather the services of a call girl.The girl arrives and says, 'Hi! I'm here to give you Super Sex,'
'Oh, thank you,' replies the old man. 'I'll have the Soup please.'

[Terry de Niro]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday.

[Boston Bosox]

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. the other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband watching TV. My car broke about a mile down the way. I had to walk back to my house to get the help of my husband. when I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. My husband was having sex with our neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbors daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and told me that they had been having an affair for 6 months. He won't go to counseling and I am a wreck and need advice immediately.
Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Sheila.

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the hoses and vacuum pipes on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, then the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the engines.
I hope this helps,
John.

[Brissyred]

Guy walks into a whorehouse and asks for a girl, the madam says all the girls are busy. He says I know you got one back there, I will take anything you got. The madam says are you sure? The man agrees that he will take anything. The madame then brings him back to old Mabel. The man goes to screw old Mabel and she says I can't screw today, my hips are acting up. The man says ok how about some head? Mable reply's I can't my Jaw is been a clikin'. So the man says what the hell can you do? Mabel says well here try this, she proceeds to pull out her glass eye and says put it in here. The man obliges and puts his pecker in her eye socket and goes to town. When finished he says Goddam damn that's the best thing I ever screwed, I will definitely be back to visit ya. Mabel replies ok great. I'll keep an eye out for ya.

[Terry de Niro]

 

[farawayred]

John goes to a pub and has a quiet drink at the bar. Next to him sits another guy, Jim. They start chatting a bit, and the conversation turns competitive. Jim says "Hey, John, I bet you a drink that I can bite my eye". John thinks "that's impossible", and tells Jim "OK, you're on". Jim takes out an artificial eye and bites it. John feels played, but buys him a drink.

A while later, Jim says to John "hey, I bet you a drink I can bite my eye". John says, "Yeah, I fell for it once, I know". Jim: "No, I mean my other eye". John's thinking, no way, he can't have both artificial eyes, he sees well enough after all. He hays "OK, Jim, you're on". Jim pulls out his dentures and bites the other eye. John's shocked, but pays his debt.

A bit later, Jim says "Hey, John, I bet you a drink that I can fuck your wife and her pussy will turn blue." John is perplexed, that ain't fucking possible! How many times he roughed it out with her, and he knows that a pussy never turns blue... "OK, Jim, you're on." They go to John's place, John explains to his wife, her and Jim do the deeds while John watches. Minutes after minutes, time passes, Jim and John's wife go on and on and on... At some point Jim say, "I'm done, John". Ecstatic, John exclaims "AHA, YOU SEE, IT DIDN'T TURN BLUE!", pointing to his wife's pussy. Jim looks back and says "You're right, John, I owe you a drink."

[Statto Red]

My mate got a job in the circus but quit on his first day. He said his boss was a clown.

[Boston Bosox]

So my new girl has suddenly decided she wants to identify as a Wheelie Bin

Now I can't remember if I am supposed to take her out on Tuesdays or Wednesdays

[bradders1011]

My mate got a job in the circus but quit on his first day. He said his boss was a clown.

My mate was sacked by the circus. He's suing them for funfair dismissal.