Hi all,
Finding myself in desperate need of relationship/'in law' advice, I've decided to consult the wise heads of RAWK. Apologies for the length..
I've been living with my partner for the last few months. Things between us are generally great - we don't have a lot to bicker about, and seem to want the same things from life. Her family however, are causing huge issues between us.
I met them for the first time shortly before Christmas - I actually didn't watch us play United because my partner had asked me if I'd go to a carol service at their local church to meet them (not my cup of tea vs the match, but went along with it to put the best foot forward and all that). Although I'm not an extrovert, I can generally get on with most people and share some common ground, like sport, music, tech, classic cars, travel, the usual types of things. I went into it a bit nervous but thinking they'd be alright. Shortly before we went in to the service, my partner suddenly said that she'd appreciate it if I called them Mr and Mrs X, as they didn't like new partners of their children calling them by their names. Considering we're both in our mid to late 30's, I thought this was really odd, but went along with it.
I said hello and sat down. My partner, as mediator, mentioned that I was in a good mood that day, because we'd just beaten United. Her mother then stared at me with a look I can only describe as contempt, and asked me to repeat what exactly was being referred to (they don't watch football). I did so, explaining the score, big match etc. She then looked me in the eye, leant forward and loudly exclaimed "and do we care?!". Shortly afterwards, "I take it you're not a rugby man then??" in a tone I'd describe as patronising, aggressive, and rude. This was within the first two minutes of meeting her. The entire evening then proceeded in similar fashion. I was, in my opinion, grilled, in an extremely passive aggressive manner ("so you studied where..?" - she didn't know if I'd been to University or not at this point - She then faux quizzically asked my partner how you get a degree in my discipline - web development) ("so you're from Liverpool, inner city, or..?"). I was taken aback with how badly it had gone, and shocked when my partner suggested it had gone really well afterwards. When I suggested this to her, she got upset and said she "just wants everyone to get on".
Every time I've had any interaction with them over the last six months, it's been a horrible, trying, insulting, saddening experience. They make countless rude comments, to my face, which my partner says are jokes and that I shouldn't be so sensitive. Some are just downright bizarre, such as when my partners sister asked if I'd like a glass of wine at a meal, her Dad leans forward and says "a gentleman would pour his own glass". What the fuck? Others reference where i'm from (they won't let you into the US, being a scouser), or things like after I'd mowed the lawn at the house with a knackered old lawnmower, her mother says over dinner "if you keep doing that, maybe she'll keep you around a bit longer". My partner laughs along when this type of thing is said, which I find really hurtful. I go to the bar to help her Dad get drinks, and ask how he's been etc, he says "fine thank you" and actively turns the other way for the duration of waiting at the bar. I could understand some of it being considered a joke if we had a closer, comfortable dynamic, but these are people who are quoted as saying that they think it's really rude that I don't call them Mr and Mrs (I don't call them anything, I just say hello). They even signed a birthday card to me as Mr and Mrs; it's hardly the kind of dynamic that infers familiarity, in my opinion they can't have it both ways.
My partner has had a strong conversation with them about some of it. Her Mother said "this isn't my issue, it's every man you fall in love with". They said that they have no opportunity to suggest I call them their names because I don't call them anything. It was said that if I did call them Mr and Mrs once more, it'd give them the chance to say that. Trying to be the bigger person, I cooked them a roast dinner on Mothers Day, said the aforementioned, and got nothing in response. Which is exactly what I expected. I've reverted to not calling them anything.
Things have got worse. We went to watch a theatrical show with them. Not my bag at all, but I went into it with an open mind. When her Mother asked what I thought at the interval, I said I thought it was quite good, could see the skill involved in the performance etc. She then decided that they didn't like it because of the choreography and suggested that if I liked it so much, I could stay on my own while they all went to the pub. I've come to the conclusion that there is no right answer with them; if I'd said it was boring/shite, they'd have said I was a heathen or made a comment about Liverpool etc, if I say I generally think it's alright, that's not good enough either. My partner once again laughed along with them at my expense.
In my opinion, everything that gets said is always aiming to create a 'them and us' dynamic, with the family on one side, and me on the other, and designed to make me feel insignificant and sub servant. They really look down their nose at me, proper working class tory attitude. Anything we do as a couple that's suggested or arranged by me gets slated by her parents (a telephone call, followed up with text messages saying how Elton John is an idiot because he slagged off Brexit (they're huge Brexiters), with statements like "here's what he thinks of you.. enjoy the concert!!!!" complete with a link to the article in question. Why try and sew division and spoil things, constantly??
In my opinion, my partner doesn't call them out or set any boundaries (she considers it rude to 'talk back' to parents). She will side with them when things are said when I'm there, and in situations such as the Elton John, says that she's only going because the tickets were pre-bought. Even her sister at family get togethers will repeatedly decisions we make such as coming to Liverpool for the weekend to see my family, in an sharp, pointed manner. It's all a massive infringement on boundaries and personal autonomy as an adult, in my opinion.
My partner has since told me that nobody she's been out with, including her ex husband, has ever got on with her parents. Apparently when visiting them he used to sit upstairs on his own rather than be in the same room with them. This was considered his failing for not making any effort to engage.
We went out for a meal with them last night. I sat for 3 and a half hours in their company, and nobody so much as said a word to me unless it was my partner involving me. Not even hello, how are you, not goodbye, nothing. I didn't say hello when we came in - her Dad was at the bar, and did his best to say hello to her, while facing away from me and staring in the other direction. I was at my wits end with stress about seeing them, and froze. Apparently this means it was my fault that they didn't speak to me for the entire night.
I sat on my hands for the first six months and said nothing back when I was insulted by them, out of respect for them. I've told my partner I can't do this anymore and that we have to set some boundaries as a couple, if that's what she wants. She says she does. Equally, I don't feel comfortable talking to them, as I feel anything I do bring up is criticised, they are unbelievably contrary. They don't even fain the slightest interest in me or talking to me, they make no effort to make me feel welcome - I don't believe it's my job as the outsider to make them feel comfortable, it should be the other way around. I'm a decent man, I love their daughter, I have a good job. I don't know what more I can do. I genuinely think they have mental health issues. At least, they don't want anyone to take their daughter away from them, despite her being close to 40.
They live around the corner from us. My partner wants to see them as a couple, once a week. She speaks to her Mother virtually everyday on the phone. I wouldn't have any issue with that if they were normal, but they are hostile, ignorant, rude, and a malevolent ever present who try their best to run down our relationship. I genuinely think such regular contact with them in toxic for the relationship, and even if she was single, I don't think my partner has a healthy dynamic with them, at all, she panders to them like Cinderella - her Mother has been known to ring the house repeatedly before 9am of a weekend, then directly question why it wasn't answered - when the response was that we were in bed, she leans forward and practically shouts in my partners face that "when I call, you answer the phone!!", or send extremely demanding messages for immediate assistance with something at their house. I was in tears after spending a few days with them in Europe, my partner was consoling me, her Mother rings, she immediately steps away to answer the phone.
How do I deal with this? Do I break up with my partner because of her family? I can't spend the rest of my life like this. I can't 'make' them change. My partner doesn't seem to have the capacity to have an adult dynamic with them. She isn't willing to put distance between us/not see them for a while when things go wrong. I feel I've done all I can, and I now want very little to do with them. It's making me ill.
Anyone have any experience in this regard? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
