Topic: My mother is angry at my mother in law

[fowlermagic]

Because she refuses to take care of the grandkids. Just read that headline online, where one set of grandparents help out with the babysitting of three kids while the other grandparents don't want to know.

Im with the grandparents who don't want to know as they already did their bit with raising their own family without any help im sure. I know it's different times but don't have three bloody kids and then expect people in their 70s to be there every day of the week to stop their lives. There is exceptions but i think too many of the next generation assume they will get assistance with raising their families.

[Chakan]

No one should force their kids onto anyone.

[reddebs]

Haha once my sister's kids were old enough to leave she used to go abroad working for 3 or 4 months every winter.

Did Barbados a couple of times, the Gambia, Australia and a ski season in the Alps so my niece bought her a dog.

[CraigDS]

I actually think it’s the opposite. In generations past families used to live within a walk of each other in a lot of cases, and multi generations used to help.

Now obviously no one should force their kids on anyone else, but think I read today that the avg cos of a nursery (full time) is £15k a year. Which given wages are shite for a lot, and costs just to live are huge, is massively unaffordable.

[Barneylfc∗]

Personally would find it a bit weird if my parents refused to be bothered with my kids.
I'll certainly want to have a lot of involvement with my grandkids when the time comes.

[gazzam1963]

Seems alien to me this , was looked after by my grandmothers when younger and both my mother in law and own mother helped out with our kids , my mum picked them up from school and my late  mother in law minded them pre school and both didn’t think it was a chore more of a pleasure to do it .

[telekon]

Seems alien to me this , was looked after by my grandmothers when younger and both my mother in law and own mother helped out with our kids , my mum picked them up from school and my late  mother in law minded them pre school and both didn’t think it was a chore more of a pleasure to do it .

I'm lucky enough to have similar upbringing. I would go to my dads parents who lived nearby as often as I could, and my moms parents who lived an hour away loved it every time we came.

[Chakan]

Seems alien to me this , was looked after by my grandmothers when younger and both my mother in law and own mother helped out with our kids , my mum picked them up from school and my late  mother in law minded them pre school and both didn’t think it was a chore more of a pleasure to do it .

Well to be fair it doesn't give a lot of details, like how old the kids are, what they require as taking of care of them.

[fowlermagic]

As some said they love to have the kids around, while others would be a little frustrated perhaps especially with the itineraries some kids have these days. You could be more of a chauffeur instead of a parent but i definitely wouldn't get angry at the other set of grandparents as that's their decision to make. If someone is getting angry or frustrated then as the parent i have to start thinking im asking the grandparents to do too much for me. I definitely see some people draft up a diary for their kids that's full on then hand it over to the grandparents thinking you need to be here, there and everywhere. Some do take the piss.

[redbyrdz]

Obviously you can't demand someone else, even a grandparent, takes care of your kids. But on the other hand, grantparents looking after grandkids is pretty normal all over the world. Its a basic part of how families work in most societies.

[Barneylfc∗]

As some said they love to have the kids around, while others would be a little frustrated perhaps especially with the itineraries some kids have these days. You could be more of a chauffeur instead of a parent but i definitely wouldn't get angry at the other set of grandparents as that's their decision to make. If someone is getting angry or frustrated then as the parent i have to start thinking im asking the grandparents to do too much for me. I definitely see some people draft up a diary for their kids that's full on then hand it over to the grandparents thinking you need to be here, there and everywhere. Some do take the piss.

That can get to absolute fuck. I'd never have any thing like that. If my mum has them, then it's up to her what she does with them. If they have somewhere to be then it'll be me that takes them.
I rarely 'need' my mum to look after my kids. If I'm doing overtime at the weekend, she would offer to take my 2 youngest (6 and 6 months) for a few hours so I can get a bit done. I'd only ask her to take them if I really needed her to, or if my lad has a match on a Friday night and I didn't want to have my 6 month old sitting out in the cold for 2 hours. 

[Millie]

I'm a grandmother and quite often help in looking after my granddaughter.  I love it when I get the chance. 

[Red Beret]

If grandparents want to be involved it's great.

I'm not a grandparent or a parent, but if I had kids and my own parents were still kicking around, I'd really want them to have a relationship with my children. Whether that stretches into caring for them would depend on circumstances.

Babysitting the odd night so mum and dad can have date-night or a weekend away is one thing; but now we live in an age where both parents often have to work, and childcare is expensive. This situation sounds more like one set of grandparents caring because they feel they have to, like it's a duty, rather than wanting to - and being pissed off that the other set of grandparents don't see it that way. But you can't force your concept of what you think being a grandparent is about onto someone else.

[rob1966]

Personally would find it a bit weird if my parents refused to be bothered with my kids.
I'll certainly want to have a lot of involvement with my grandkids when the time comes.

Her ma was like that and I fucking hated her for it. My Ma died before we got married, but I saw how she was with my nephews, so I just assumed grandparents liked to spend time with kids, especially as she portrayed herself as a wonderful grandma to the neighbours by hers.

If my kids do have kids before I peg it, I'll want to see them loads.

[AndyInVA]

If you can't handle three kids, don't have three kids would be a fair start.

Plus, expecting people to do things, doesn't work either. You can ask for help but expecting makes no sense. Just because one set of grand parents go above and beyond doesn't mean the others will.

Plus the one rule of life 'families make no sense'.

Family dynamics going back decades and families just don't operate on rhyme or reason at all.

[Terry de Niro]

I have 12 grandkids and another on the way.
I am properly hands-on with all of them, probably more so than I was with their parents when they were kids. 

[FlashGordon]

Because she refuses to take care of the grandkids. Just read that headline online, where one set of grandparents help out with the babysitting of three kids while the other grandparents don't want to know.

Im with the grandparents who don't want to know as they already did their bit with raising their own family without any help im sure. I know it's different times but don't have three bloody kids and then expect people in their 70s to be there every day of the week to stop their lives. There is exceptions but i think too many of the next generation assume they will get assistance with raising their families.

The next generation need the assistance as both mother and father have to work these days.

[Qston]

I had the same sort of situation. My mother in law would often look after our kids, however my own parents would help out in an emergency but made it clear from the start they were not there as 'nursery' cover. I had no issue with that. They had done their own bit and wanted to enjoy their retirement etc.

They also set boundaries on gift buying. Much to my annoyance, my mother in law spends lavishly which annoys me and doesn`t reflect the way I was brought up. My parents said from day one that they were not going to try and compete and would rather put money aside for when my daughter turns 18 - as a result, later this year I will be able to say to her that the cheque she receives shows what they were really doing and the £500 coat she wore for 1 year was a waste and actually an offensive amount of money. The irony is that my parents are relatively wealthy people. My mother in law is not but her way of showing love is to spend. Daft.

Different strokes for different folks though I suppose.

[AndyInVA]

The next generation need the assistance as both mother and father have to work these days.

This is really true. Two working parents with jobs with fixed schedules really need help to let the kids do after school things they want.

[Stockholm Syndrome]

I don't have kids of my own, but I do have a niece and nephew. I also remember my upbringing as well.

I must be honest I do find the idea of grandparents not helping out to be a bit alien. I had my grandparents on my mum's side who lived round the corner from school, so I would walk back there after school and get picked up by my mum after work, and then my grandparents on my dad's side where from Runcorn so I would see them when I could.

And they were both heavily involved and glad for it honestly. With both my mum and dad working, up until I was a bit older to look after myself (or at the very least not be too much of a burden on my older sister) I would go there after school, or during the school holiday, because my parents were working and my grandparents were happy to help.

Now with my niece and nephew, my mum and dad are happy to take care of them whenever; they stay over at least once a week, my mum helps out with the child care, they are very involved. Same goes with the other branches of my mum's family - grandparents were always very involved. And generally everyone in the family is involved, we are quite closely knit.

I do know the in-laws for my sister are not as involved, and frankly seem a bit out out by kids. My sister likened it to "seen and not heard" in that Nan would want a picture with the kids to look all gran like, but then won't play with them or interact much at all. No one is forcing the kids on them, but they are a bit miffed that she doesn't want to be a part of their lives, or interact with them much when they are with her. Grandad is in Australia so I guess that's something of a let off.

[fowlermagic]

The next generation need the assistance as both mother and father have to work these days.

So true as we have created a world where one wage no longer allows a typical family to have a decent life. Think there has to be a better balance as it shouldn't be the norm that mothers or fathers have to rush back to work. I think in the States they typically have 3 months maternity leave so some parents are leaving their two month old baby with grandparents or a creche. Ridiculous the world has come to this.

Our parents or grandparents were lucky enough to get away with one staying at home in most cases. My father worked six days a week while Mum stayed at home. Actually i think mothers had to give up work until mid 70s in Ireland so they didn't have a choice once they had their first but she was probably delighted to be stuck at home raising five children, washing nappies even. Mums back then did 90% of the raising so hats off to them.

Anyway grandparents really have helped out as they have probably saved numerous parents out their from breakdowns.

[Draex]

We have a 4 year old and have fantastic grandparents, we are very lucky. It makes juggling full time jobs, child care etc. Much easier, just simple things like one of us working away and helping with nursery pick up.

I do think it's about your effort though, i.e. we have always put in time going to see our parents and spending time all together and now they are happy to have the little one (just had a 2 night stay in the lakes child free courtesy of my mum for example).

On the other hand my partners mum and dad do far more for us than my partners brothers kids because they never take them to see them then get arsey because they won't look after them overnight.

[rob1966]

This is really true. Two working parents with jobs with fixed schedules really need help to let the kids do after school things they want.

Our childcare costs, back in 2011/2012, where just under £3000 pa for the baby to be in nursery from 8am to 1pm 3 days a week, we had friends paying over £10k pa just for childcare, its fuck all to do with after school clubs, its about being able to put a roof over heads,eat and clothe and keep a job.

[Hedley Lamarr]

I think there's a chasm between 'don't want to know' and 'being 70 and not wanting to bring kids up'.  My parents are in their 70's and live in Southport, I'm in Bristol, my missus was in hospital last year and my mum offered to travel down and look after the kids, I wouldn't hear it.  A couple of hours every now and again ? Maybe.  Grandparents should enjoy their grandchildren not take on responsibility (obviously there can be extenuating circumstances).

My in-laws are Spanish and have their other two kids, and one of their husbands, living at home as well as a couple of grandkids.  I think it must be a bit different on the continent, families seem to live together longer.

[A-Bomb]

In a few months time this will be me for the first time.....and i shall only be 39! my partner 42.

The reality is we both work full time and Monday - Friday we won't have an awful lot of time to offer.

[DangerScouse]

Utterly bizarre to me that grand parents wouldn't want to look after their grand children occasionally unless there is a good reason like illness.

We'd be lost without their help at times.

[WhereAngelsPlay]

You should get them to fight,we could even get Barney to run a book.

[WhereAngelsPlay]

Haha once my sister's kids were old enough to leave she used to go abroad working for 3 or 4 months every winter.

Did Barbados a couple of times, the Gambia, Australia and a ski season in the Alps so my niece bought her a dog.

 

[rob1966]

In a few months time this will be me for the first time.....and i shall only be 39! my partner 42.

The reality is we both work full time and Monday - Friday we won't have an awful lot of time to offer.

Fuck, you breed young in your family

[fowlermagic]

Utterly bizarre to me that grand parents wouldn't want to look after their grand children occasionally unless there is a good reason like illness.

We'd be lost without their help at times.

But is it occasionally for most grandparents as from what i can tell many of them have the kids dropped off in the morning, Monday to Friday. Take them to school, pick them up after school, possibly run them to an after school class or training, get them home to oversee their homework, while preparing a snack or dinner. That's pretty full on and considering many parents these days are in their mid to late 30s before they settle down and have kids it means the grandparents are around 70 plus and if the cycle continues the next batch of grandparents will definitely be well in their 70s when it's their turn to get the grandkids due to them waiting so long to start a family. Ouch

[Barneylfc∗]

You should get them to fight,we could even get Barney to run a book.

4/7 for the grandparents that look after the kids to win by TKO.

[west_london_red]

My parents live with me so they don’t have a choice

[west_london_red]

My in-laws are Spanish and have their other two kids, and one of their husbands, living at home as well as a couple of grandkids.  I think it must be a bit different on the continent, families seem to live together longer.

I think it’s more of a Southern European thing to be honest, similar to what you get in many Asian cultures where 3 generations living together is common.

[markedasred]

I parented late in life it seems, as I am now a  59 YO single parent of a 15 year old, with our 19 year old still at home. I want a little bit of pleasure with another partner for my late years if i can make that happen once the youngest can manage herself, I'm done with nappies and bored with being a cashpoint/dad taxi.
 We bought three of them up without grandparents around firstly because my estranged wife is from the south of France, so we only saw them in the holidays. They hate the oldest nowadays (since he and my ex wife moved back there), and our youngest dislikes them. My dad died when I was 13 so he was never in the picture, and my mom developed Alzheimers whilst the oldest was still at school. Having said that, my three seem to have been the joy of her life.

["21C or 70F?" SchizoidWeatherMan!]

I think it’s more of a Southern European thing to be honest, similar to what you get in many Asian cultures where 3 generations living together is common.

In Asia, it is considered ideal for family members to live together if possible. Its only by necessity (job in another city) that people move out.

I think its a great way to live. Families are actually families, not just a monthly/quarterly excursion.

[Slippers]

But is it occasionally for most grandparents as from what i can tell many of them have the kids dropped off in the morning, Monday to Friday. Take them to school, pick them up after school, possibly run them to an after school class or training, get them home to oversee their homework, while preparing a snack or dinner. That's pretty full on and considering many parents these days are in their mid to late 30s before they settle down and have kids it means the grandparents are around 70 plus and if the cycle continues the next batch of grandparents will definitely be well in their 70s when it's their turn to get the grandkids due to them waiting so long to start a family. Ouch

Mr Slipper's parents were doing this with his brother's kids when his father was in his late eighties.

[rob1966]

But is it occasionally for most grandparents as from what i can tell many of them have the kids dropped off in the morning, Monday to Friday. Take them to school, pick them up after school, possibly run them to an after school class or training, get them home to oversee their homework, while preparing a snack or dinner. That's pretty full on and considering many parents these days are in their mid to late 30s before they settle down and have kids it means the grandparents are around 70 plus and if the cycle continues the next batch of grandparents will definitely be well in their 70s when it's their turn to get the grandkids due to them waiting so long to start a family. Ouch

That's taking the piss. Me and my wife chose to have kids so we took full responsibility for looking after them. She went part time after 12 months maternity and did 6:45 til 1pm and I stayed at the job I had grown to hate as it was 300 yards from home, so I got the kids ready, took them to school/nursery and took half day holidays when they were off. Her Ma used to have them a couple of days, she offered but then always threw it back in our faces that she had the kids, I had loads of arguments with the missus where I said she could fuck off then and not see the kids and I'd just do more overtime to cover childcare. Once they were 3, they went in holiday club.

All I think grandparents should do is to want to actually spend some time with the kids and if they want to mind them then fine, if not then that'd OK too. Some of my happiest memories as a kid are going to my nans houses and getting butties and cups of tea and watching old films. My youngest son has no interest in his nan, no memories of her yet his step grandad he has lots of happy memories of and he died when he was 6. I just that sad

[Barneylfc∗]

But is it occasionally for most grandparents as from what i can tell many of them have the kids dropped off in the morning, Monday to Friday. Take them to school, pick them up after school, possibly run them to an after school class or training, get them home to oversee their homework, while preparing a snack or dinner. That's pretty full on and considering many parents these days are in their mid to late 30s before they settle down and have kids it means the grandparents are around 70 plus and if the cycle continues the next batch of grandparents will definitely be well in their 70s when it's their turn to get the grandkids due to them waiting so long to start a family. Ouch

I'd say instances like that are the overwhelming minority rather than 'most grandparents'
A lot of grandparents themselves are still working. I don't know anyone around my area that has grandparents that do what you have described.
Me and my missus are both positive for covid, my mum has stepped in and taken our 6 year old and 6 month old baby until we're negative. I say taken, as we didn't really get a choice in the matter 

[Alf]

Sounds a bit like my parents. My mum can’t do enough for her grandkids, the arl fella on the other hand moans about everything.