Author Topic: Survivors: Talk about it, share it, we'll try to help  (Read 189389 times)

Offline Meg7

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #160 on: April 15, 2008, 06:35:59 pm »
As a fan from very far away and someone who wasn't even before, some people may ask why I'm here. If it weren't for rawk and people like you, I may not know what this day meant. Sure I might have known a bit, but reading this makes me truly realize everything. I find it incredibly hard to read and I honestly don't know how all of you wrote that and for it I give you nothing but respect. To have been there and witnessed that. I hope that each and everyone of you find comfort.

:wave

Meg

Offline brussels sprout

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #161 on: April 15, 2008, 07:14:52 pm »
I can never put into context what I feel about today, I dread it every year and I know I'm a prick in work and stuff. I work away now and people just wouldn't get it, so when they ask what the problem is I just do one.

I joined the Army 1 year after Hillsborough and I'm still serving, all the shit I've seen in the intervening years still don't compare to that day.

YNWA
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Offline Tetti

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #162 on: April 15, 2008, 08:42:20 pm »


Hug a red today, he or she will appreciate it more than you think.





Gald you managed to get that out this time, Karl.  You are a man in a million, hugs to you and Lynn.
Never give up

Offline NineTails20

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #163 on: April 15, 2008, 11:02:55 pm »
Thank you for telling your stories.

As I've mentioned in other posts, both of my sons are Reds. Evan is 14, wasn't born when Hillsborough happened. Up until today, I've tried to explain to him what happened that day, why the S*n is never allowed into our house, but he never really understood why this was the club's darkest day.

Until now.

Earlier today, he told me about his Media Studies class in school, when his teacher asked the class about newspapers printing lies, bias and such. My son put his hand up and used the example of The S*n's lies about Hillsborough. After the class, he told me that other boys in his class, who had no clue about Hillsborough, came up to ask him about it. He explained as best he could, but couldn't go into detail.

Needless to say, I showed Evan this thread.

Evan was so moved by your stories, he sat beside me here, and cried. Cried for the 96 who passed away, cried for the survivors.................and finally understood why mum hates The S*n.

Thank you for helping my son to understand why there must be Justice for the 96.
From his stupid, ugly, pug-faced, smarmy, poncing, play-acting, Oh-look-at-me greasy hair to his crybaby, stupid, cheating, dirty antics he can fuck off the horrible little poodle faced gazumpadum.

Offline MarkR

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #164 on: April 15, 2008, 11:43:07 pm »
Never been on this part of RAWK before, I wasn't there, didn't lose anybody, and to an extent almost feel like I'm intruding. It's a very hard read is this. I knew the basics of what happened, read loads online, seen all the TV dramas etc but only since discovering the online community did I realise the extent of suffering still exisiting amongst survivors, even after all this time. Many comment on it actually getting worse. I struggle to imagine the sights and sounds burnt into people memories to cause such pain and which are revealed so clearly in these posts, I really do.
It has obviously 'cost' a lot a folk to express these words, and as mentioned earlier it almost feels innappropriate to read them. I'm no psychotherapist but sincerely hope these witness statements help the respective authors.
A common theme is guilt. Understandable when so many didn't walk away. None of you are guilty, you just happened to be there. Easy for me to write that I know, I wasn't there, I'm not carrying the pain, but true nonetheless.

Best wishes to all.

Mark

Offline Red_Hugh

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #165 on: March 14, 2009, 02:11:00 am »
Me and my mate set off on the same route we had the year before. We hit traffic on the m62 and reached sheffield about 45 mins before kickoff. There were no cordons like the year before down the hill towards the ground and we had no time for a drink like the year before. we reached our end and it was chaos at half 2. people shouting there's kids in here. me and my mate managed to get around the side and got in about 15 mins before kick off. we were in the big stand at the side 1st time all season we had got seats for a game. (Having stood behind that goal many a time) we only got tickets the day before and when we got in i thought we had not sold our allocation as the sides were empty but the centre full. i remember la bamba playing and messing about dancing on seats to it (haunts me to this day thinking of our fans caught in that crush looking across seeing us having a laugh as they were suffering) The game starts some hippyish LFC fan come on pitch legs buckling falls over gets up falls down again people laughing but then more started comming over fence. I looked on could not take it in then saw some hardenned scallies in tears hugging each other and slowly started to realise the worse. Then I saw my mates on the pitch one in tears I went down on to the pitch he had been caught in crush but one of our  mates was still in there. I only remember one ambulance on the pitch and the police just forming a line along the half way line after the forest fans who did not have a clue what was going on started chanting something that caused a charge of our fans not to fight but to tell them what was happening.
on leaving ground we noticed queues outside peoples houses to use their phones. One lad collapsed in our queue the woman who owned the house was distraught trying to help him. I went in front room the telly was on and it said people had died, it was the 1st i knew, i phoned home and left my money on a huge pile of money by the phone, and noticed a young child in the front room who must of wondered what the hell was going on.
My cars radio did not work, we stopped along the pennines as my mate had not yet got through to his family. he got back in car and told me 76 had died. we passed coaches of mancs they looked at us expressionless, instead of the natural hate.
Back in liverpool, me mates met at my mates flat, one who did not go had been behind goal year before. The news came on, I was close to breaking down, but fighting it in front of mates. We went up onto scotty, saw one of my mates mates, a now well known red absolutely bladdered, then went into town and got bladdered ourselves. I hung a scarf up on the shankly gates the next day and went to the service held on the sunday evening. I then drove back down south, I got to staffordshire and was in shock as the last i knew I was on the m62, and had driven about 80 miles without knowing it.
Next day in work, work mates giving me support, but found it too hard and had to leave and I went home,  my sister opened door and i broke down, she had never seen me cry in all her 20years. I was signed off work for a week. The 1st time i went out for a drink some c.u.n.t. on hearing i had been there quoted the s*n i wanted to batter the twat but was more shocked that instead of support I was now being blamed. For months maybe more i could not listen to lively music or laugh, the memories were there every minute of every day, as time went on maybe a day would go by, then a week, but 20 years on the memories are still there.
Last year I attended the memorial for the 1st time and took my children. It has taken me 20 years to write this.

Offline the invisible man

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #166 on: March 14, 2009, 03:40:04 am »
well done red hugh, a very brave story...

my best friend was also in your position and has always suffered PTSD and he has never been to a game since, but with a little help from his friends went to last years memorial for the first time...

so well done again mate, chin up...
t.i.m...

Offline 24/007

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #167 on: March 14, 2009, 09:43:34 am »
It has taken me 20 years to write this.
I salute you. There's something special about this year, more than just a number. Maybe it's the idea that 20 years is the average equivalent of "an entire generation". The fact that there are more and more people like you who feel able to speak up is fantastic progress for those amongst you who were traumatised by what you saw - and then stigmatised by those who weren't even there!

May your own words encourage others to speak up and release at least some of the hurt from inside.
None of this really matters in the end. None of it. Everything is utterly pointless. Even football. Nothing whatsoever really matters.

Offline Glorious Future

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #168 on: April 14, 2010, 11:48:17 pm »
Thoughts go out to all affected.

YNWA.

Never ever forgotten.
Faith is a passionate intuition.

http://www.contrast.org/hillsborough/

Offline -HH-

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #169 on: April 15, 2010, 08:10:11 am »
Thinking of all my mates on here who survived this most terrible day in our history.

You'll never walk alone.
Balotelli, Falcao, Cavani...

I'll be shocked if it's anyone other Etoo. Etoo or no-one. Simples.

In fact, I'll do you all a favor and ban myself from the January transfer window forum if we get anyone other than Etoo.

Offline Maggie May

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #170 on: April 15, 2010, 08:18:10 am »
Holding you all in my heart today.  Walk on and walk proud. 
Rather a day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep.

I can only be nice to one person a day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
I tried being reasonable.  I didn't like it.  Old enough to know better.  Young enough not to give a fuck.

Offline sheff-jim

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #171 on: April 15, 2010, 08:25:40 am »
Everyone, both present and absent, are in my thoughts today.

Offline the invisible man

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #172 on: April 15, 2010, 08:43:44 am »

A trickle of blood.....

That special day is here again
and a trip back to Leppings lane
a generation has grown since that sad day
as the memories flood back yet again...

the day is so clear in my mind can't you see
the day that was special enough
cos we were going to see our mighty redmen
knock the stuffing out of dear old Bri...an Clough...

our day seemed so bright
as well all set oou o'er the moors
it was not like today though
when every game is on telly, sat indoors...

the day of a big match was special
there was a chance of a Merseyside Cup Final
but tragic events soon took over
and ever since there's been denial....

as a trickle of blood oozes from under the blue gate
a lone red scarf tied to a rusty old fence
a truck in the distance blows it's horn
it still doesn't make any sense...

so why did it happen
and where did you go
when it was only a football game
you left with your mates
from outside the Kop end gates
our lives have never since been the same...

your kids are all now grown up
we've won 5 European Cups,
the odd FA Cup or two...
but we'd give it all up its so clear
just to have you back here
cos Dad, we still all miss you...

we miss you so much
remember your deep voice and soft touch
as we remember that sad April day
but we;re not on our own
WE WILL NEVER WALK ALONE
and the search for real justice won't go away...

johnlemmon...
t.i.m...

Offline Shimmo74

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #173 on: April 15, 2010, 08:48:56 am »
Big hugs and much love to you all today.
I don't have the words for this other than to say..

You'll never walk alone, any of you.

God Bless.

Justice.
Be first rate at being yourself instead of second rate at being someone else.

Offline Branno

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #174 on: April 15, 2010, 11:15:22 am »
For the first time in 21yrs Im very calm and in control.

No going on a bender, no withdrawal, no anger. Just a day for reflection and time to rise a glass.

Maybe, just maybe the demons have gone.  JFT96
"I know this is a sad occasion but I think that Dixie would be amazed to know that even in death he could draw a bigger crowd than Everton can on a Saturday afternoon"......Bill Shankly

Offline Armin

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #175 on: April 15, 2010, 11:28:57 am »
I often think of this thread.

I was speaking to a therapist on this subject some time ago. There is help out there and the help can be effective. It's important people know that.

Best wishes to everyone.
Well, I don't know what it is, but there's definitely something going on upstairs

Offline 24/007

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #176 on: April 15, 2010, 11:54:58 am »
For the first time in 21yrs Im very calm and in control.
No going on a bender, no withdrawal, no anger. Just a day for reflection and time to rise a glass.
Maybe, just maybe the demons have gone.  JFT96
:thumbup nice swan Branno - hope it stays that way........
None of this really matters in the end. None of it. Everything is utterly pointless. Even football. Nothing whatsoever really matters.

Offline Veinticinco de Mayo

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #177 on: April 15, 2010, 12:27:48 pm »
For the first time in 21yrs Im very calm and in control.

No going on a bender, no withdrawal, no anger. Just a day for reflection and time to rise a glass.

Maybe, just maybe the demons have gone.  JFT96

Really glad to hear that Branno.  I'll raise a glass with you.  How does everyone get through work this day at every year. I am in, but I am distracted. 

I will, as usual, be leaving the office and going for a long walk just before 3.
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Offline That Kennedy moment

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #178 on: April 15, 2010, 12:39:45 pm »
Exactly what I'll be doing Kev. I wanted to come to work to take my mind off things, but I wish i hadn't now. I just wanna go for a long walk, alone.

Why does it have to be sunny today?

I've had texts today from survivors scattered across England, and one in South Africa. People are dealing with it with varying degrees of success. Some are really struggling. I'm finding it harder every year.

Glad this forum is here.

« Last Edit: April 15, 2010, 12:53:06 pm by That Kennedy moment »
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Offline SwedenRed

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #179 on: April 15, 2010, 12:50:33 pm »
For the first time in 21yrs Im very calm and in control.

No going on a bender, no withdrawal, no anger. Just a day for reflection and time to rise a glass.

Maybe, just maybe the demons have gone.  JFT96
Branno...very strange, I am feeling the same way. I dont feel all bottled up like last year... Maybe it was the build up to the 20th Year.
I feel fairly calm and just full of thoughts with the flowers and the memories. Havent had any bad thoughts about the actual day yet. Strange, but thank ful.
How are you all doing?

Offline Branno

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #180 on: April 15, 2010, 01:08:42 pm »
:thumbup nice swan Branno - hope it stays that way........
Really glad to hear that Branno.  I'll raise a glass with you.

Thanks lads...thats means a lot to me it really does.

Im pretty sure making it back home last year for the 20th made all the difference.

I went to the memeorial game. Just being stood on the Kop again and ripping out 'Justice for the 96' with my Aussie wife clutching my hand, tears running down my face is something I will never forget. Sharing its with fellow Reds is something I needed.

I made my first ever trip back to Hillsborough a few days later. Layed my scarf on the memorial. I know now it was more that just a scarf I left behind..
"I know this is a sad occasion but I think that Dixie would be amazed to know that even in death he could draw a bigger crowd than Everton can on a Saturday afternoon"......Bill Shankly

Offline JP!

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #181 on: April 15, 2010, 01:09:17 pm »
Good on ya Branno. I'm not a survivor but I'm pleased to hear that story mate. Hope you're doing better.

Walk on.
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Offline Branno

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #182 on: April 15, 2010, 01:24:33 pm »
Branno...very strange, I am feeling the same way. I dont feel all bottled up like last year... Maybe it was the build up to the 20th Year.

Nail on head...in a totally selfish way I am actually smiling today. Finished work, went shopping, made dinner, couple of glasses of wine. Im happy to be alive in the knowledge that Im so lucky I am. 
"I know this is a sad occasion but I think that Dixie would be amazed to know that even in death he could draw a bigger crowd than Everton can on a Saturday afternoon"......Bill Shankly

Offline Frank.

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #183 on: April 15, 2010, 03:20:33 pm »
2 of my family were there that day.

One brother saved another and both are eternally greatfull for those who helped them also that day.

Offline SwedenRed

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #184 on: April 15, 2010, 03:50:07 pm »
That was a nice service.

Offline Istanbul, 2005

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #185 on: April 15, 2010, 03:53:30 pm »
Im in tears.

JUSTICE FOR THE 96 - NEVER FORGET
At Half time AC thought they had us beat
The Blueshite were dancing in the North Wales Streets
But Stevie G played like a man posessed
And all they have now is their Bitterness!

How do you sleep at night Duckenfield?

Offline Maggie May

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #186 on: April 15, 2010, 07:22:10 pm »
For the first time in 21yrs Im very calm and in control.

No going on a bender, no withdrawal, no anger. Just a day for reflection and time to rise a glass.

Maybe, just maybe the demons have gone.  JFT96

Maybe you listened to the angel on your shoulder.  I'm so pleased for you honey lad. 

And that was a beautiful poem Lemmo.  Your own? 
Rather a day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep.

I can only be nice to one person a day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
I tried being reasonable.  I didn't like it.  Old enough to know better.  Young enough not to give a fuck.

Offline sheff-jim

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #187 on: April 15, 2010, 07:36:21 pm »
For the first time in 21yrs Im very calm and in control.

No going on a bender, no withdrawal, no anger. Just a day for reflection and time to rise a glass.

Maybe, just maybe the demons have gone.  JFT96

Good on you. Hope others take inspiration from this.

Offline Glorious Future

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #188 on: April 15, 2011, 12:22:59 pm »
God bless everyone and thoughts to all and everyone who feel the confusion and pain today.

Thoughts to all who have the memories swirling around their minds and who have the anger still inside. May this life bring justice to the 96 souls lost and justice to those who tried and still feel like they failed that day.

Never give up the fight for truth and justice.

YNWA.
Faith is a passionate intuition.

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Offline theboyspen

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #189 on: April 15, 2011, 01:10:52 pm »
I'm a 'Survivor' but feel nothing but grief for the 96 lives lost. I was lucky to have a ticket for the stands that day (thanks to Ted Morris, I'm forever indebted to him!) but was in the Leppings Lane the previous year, so in a way I know what it must've been like for our fans 'penned in' disgracefully. On both occasions we were gobsmacked that with our support we weren't given the Kop end! Numbness describes my feelings at what followed. That and Helplessness. I was high up in the stands. What could I do? I have the utmost respect for those fans who acted like makeshift paramedics carrying the injured on advertising hoardings! The police just froze (some did try to help) and the 'hacks' just clicked away trying to get sensational photos for their rags! After a while we realised the seriousness of the situation and that there was nothing left to do but go home. Sheffield people offered the use of their house phones for us to contact our relatives and let them know we were ok. The first indication to me how much of an impact the tragedy had on the rest of the country. When we got to our coach one of my mates said his brother was in that end & he didn't know if he was alright or not. We feared the worst and we were right. For him, his family & all the other families and friends affected by that tragic day I hope they find peace and justice. Y.N.W.A.
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Offline SwedenRed

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #190 on: April 15, 2011, 01:20:27 pm »
As a survivor myself from the lepings lane middle right pen, it is extremely emotional reading on other fans websites about their feelings and thoughts... Especially our rivals forums.

Offline the invisible man

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #191 on: April 15, 2011, 01:46:05 pm »
Maybe you listened to the angel on your shoulder.  I'm so pleased for you honey lad. 

And that was a beautiful poem Lemmo.  Your own? 

thanks Maggie.... yes I only ever use my own... unless quoted... YNWA
t.i.m...

Offline the invisible man

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #192 on: April 15, 2011, 01:53:46 pm »

Why...!

22 years of bull s h i t
22 years of lies
22 years of cover-ups
can you cowards tell us... WHY...!

why is it so hard
for folk like you to tell the truth
to stand up and be counted
after the loss of a generation of our youth...

it's staggering to think why
certain people have kept it all so quiet
and why the cover-up continues
to withold so many hidden lies...

there was NO pitch invasion
there was NO druken riot
there was NO stealing from our dying mates pockets
so why continue with the lies...

why did it take so long
for the gates to be opened wide
when those in charge could quite clearly see
the chaos developing outside...

there was no proper control
the horses and cops couldn't cope
but the lazy lying cowards
stood still and did nothing, gave no hope...

why was the Fire Brigade turned away
at 18 minutes after 3
when they surely could have helped out
to set some of the trapped fans free..4

yes why was the Fire truck turned away
when they had metal/fence cutting tools
why were the 44 Ambulances not allowed in
surely because of ignorant fools...

why have they all got away with it
for the past 20 years or more
do they think that we will go away
I don't think so, that's for sure...

so surely now we will see
the truth will finally come out as we shout
we can finally lay our loved ones to rest
when the truth and justice comes out...

The Justice bell still rings loudly
with every scouser around the world
on that day there will be a new flag
proudly opened as it is unfurled..

It will say that we have finally got Justice
for the 96 who just went to watch a game
to watch an FA Cup semi-final
our lives have never since be the same...

YNWA

Justice 4 the 96..

johnlemmon......
t.i.m...

Offline Veinticinco de Mayo

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #193 on: April 15, 2011, 01:55:36 pm »
The memory of the train journey back to Merseyside still haunts me.  Sat in numbed silence listening to the news reports on a lads radio as the death toll grew with every mile we travelled.  Nobody really knowing how many lads we knew would be amongst that number.
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Offline rednile

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #194 on: April 15, 2011, 05:16:38 pm »
Dont normally like speaking about what happened on that day , but the memories are flooding back after watching the service today -

getting there abit late after a traiffic jam on the motorway - the chaos outside the ground when people are trying to get in to see our team -  climbing up a wall next to the turnstiles to get away from the crush outside - getting down from the wall and most of the people outside had gone inside - sitting on the curb outside the ground thinking we were missing the game , then seeing a woman with a red coat on coming out of the ground in tears with a lad shouting there are people dying in there -

queuing up to use a pay phone to let the family know your ok , then cars going past shouting theres 10 dead , theres 20 dead and not believing them .
waiting for ages for the lads you went the game with to get back to the cars , 2 never got back to the cars and ended up in hospital luckily they both survived.

I feel lucky i did .

96 .

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96

Offline brussels sprout

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #195 on: April 15, 2011, 08:55:54 pm »
Just had a couple of texts from lads I was there with that day. We still go the match together now but not as often, I think a bond was formed that day that will last forever, knowing how lucky we are, one seat remained empty on our coach on the way home.

Rest in peace. YNWA

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Offline justval

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #196 on: April 19, 2011, 01:24:56 pm »
This is my first posting on here..my activation authority did not come through in time for me to post on Friday like I wanted to.

Even after all this time I find it incredibly difficult to talk about what happened that day. I tried so hard to bury the events and lead some sort of a normal life..but the images have never gone away. I have never stopped having flashbacks and sometimes I can still hear the noise, feel the intense heat...and above all..I can smell that smell.

As the 20th anniversary approached, I thought I was coping quite well by my standards. Normally I lock myself away so as not to disturb anyone while I experience the flashbacks...so real as if i was there all over again. The night before, there was a knock on my door. A neighbour came round carrying a copy of The Mirror..and they had done this memorial spread with photo's in. I was in one of them. Clear as day and clearly recognisable..even though I am now in my 40's and not the 20 year old kid that was so excited at finally getting a ticket to see her beloved Liverpool FC in the cup semi.

I had never known that image existed before for 20 years and in that instant, I was transported back to that April day...and I re-lived the horror over and over and over again.

Since then, I have experienced more flashbacks than ever..but i try not to talk about it. It is not really something that can be shared is it. Most people would not understand.
Of course people I have known many years always send me a sympathetic message..but there are many people in my life who probably don't know I was there. It is not something I choose to tell people. What would they be able to say?

Where I live (in Nottinghamshire and not far from Sheffield), there are very few people with any concept..them that were there were Forest Fans...and the few of us that made the trek..well I have lost touch with. Initially we had a strong bond as I was the one who suffered the most, ending up in the Hallamshire after being dragged out and resucitated on the pitch. It makes it difficult to share how I feel every year as I am a little isolated really.

I would love to be part of some sort of support group and some sort of group involved in the fight for truth and justice. I have never got to tell my story...and why would anyone think to ask someone living where I do? People forget that Liverpool have a fan base outside of Liverpool and although the city of Liverpool was affected the worst..there were people from other areas involved and affected too.  I watched the service on my own at home..greiving as I do every year and all I could think was hw much respect I have for Margaret Aspinall making the speech she did and how 22 years on, we must never ever forget what happened that day. it must never just be consigned to history books and the search for justice for the 96 must continue.

Thank you for reading this. I may post my full experiences one day.
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Offline Veinticinco de Mayo

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #197 on: April 19, 2011, 01:36:34 pm »
justval,

Thanks for posting that and remember there are lots of people on here who you can share that burden with at this time of year.  It doesn't matter where you come from or where you are living now.  If you read this thread, a common theme for some survivors was the need to get away and so there are now survivors all around the world. 

Bottom line is you don't have to suffer this on your own.
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Offline macca888

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #198 on: April 20, 2011, 02:09:23 am »
I hope nobody minds me putting this here, but please delete it if you think it shouldn't be here. I just need to get this off my chest, so even if it is in the wrong place and it gets deleted, it's going to help me just to write it down. Please forgive me if it seems too self-indulgent.

I couldn't go to the match. I was working that day and couldn't get the day off, and I was warned if I took a sicky I'd get sacked. Good enough though I thought at the time, the boss let me finish at half past 2 so I could listen to it on Radio City at one of my mates. A load of the lads had gone though. What happened then, watching Grandstand, it was too much to comprehend. I was worried sick about the lads I knew were there, and I just could not believe what was happening to the thousands I could see suffering. Numb. What do I do though later on? The tradition was to meet up with some of the lads coming back from aways in The Oak, then meet up with the others in The Bank on Scotty. How could I go out knowing what had happened? How could I not go out and not be there for them if and when they got back? Guilt. Just not knowing what to do. We decided that we had to go. How could I look my mates in the face if I hadn't been there for them that day?

The abiding memory was being stood in The Bank while one of the lads told me that someone wasn't coming home. Even though he was more of an acquaintance than a friend, I knew him and his brothers and cousins well enough to feel sick to my stomach. But then, one of the lads told me that he's killed someone. He was stuck with his arm trapped around him and couldn't get it free. He felt the life drain out of this stranger and could do nothing about it. Tears are tripping me now thinking about it, it's like it was yesterday, but we stood there and cried together, me just holding him while Deacon Blue's Dignity played. Guilt. What could I possibly say to him? It pains me so much to remember the haunted look he had in his eyes, and maybe it's just with hindsight that I can say this, but the life had gone out of his eyes that night and it would never ever come back. A couple of years later and he killed himself. Guilt. Maybe if I'd said something different, helped him more somehow, he'd still be here. 22 years later, and three of my mates who survived it have all commited suicide, directly because of Hillsborough. I feel no less guilty about the other two lads. Four families I knew well, all destroyed because of that day. 96 families fighting for justice, and I feel so guilty about grieving for my friends who died after it. Part of me genuinely feels that the day should only be about the 96 and their families, and I feel so guilty that my thoughts are always with three other families.

And for the last 13 years, it has gotten worse instead of getting better. 14th April 1998, and my wife was in labour in The Women's Hospital expecting twins. I prayed to a God I don't believe in that they were born before midnight, but the boys were born at 12.55am and 1.23 am. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, a positive on the gloomiest day in the calendar. But every year, it gets even harder. The happiest day in my life and I know it's a day that I want and need to honour the memories of others. Guilt. Overwhelming guilt. How can I be happy and celebrating on such a horrible day? It's a disservice to the memory of the people I knew and the ones I didn't. How can I be sad in front of my boys on their birthday? I'm letting them down and failing them as their dad. Every single year, we hold our silence and the boys always make me so proud insisting that it doesn't make their birthday any less perfect. In fact, Aidan told me last week that he feels privileged to be able to pay his respects on his birthday. Kieran makes sure all their mates observe it too. But none of it stops the ache and the guilt I feel when the tears start running down my face in front of them, that I'm somehow ruining their special day. I'm not sure justice for the 96 will ever take these feelings away from me, and that makes me feel guilty and selfish. But all I hope is that it gives the families affected some peace of mind some day soon. They deserve it more than anyone else.

I know writing this seems out of character for me. Everyone knows I'm one of those people who just laughs and jokes his way through life. And I'm no different off RAWK than I am on it. But there's a reason for that. I've got a very rare progressive and incurable neurological illness. I don't know from one day to the next whether I'll even be able to stand up. I fall over all the time, break bones, split my head open, knock myself unconscious and generally smack my body into submission by the end of most days. Some people think I'm irreverent and much worse but the reason I am the way I am, the reason I like to laugh at anything and everything, skit everyone and sometimes forget where to draw the line is simply because for me, life is just too short, precious and fragile. I can only apologise to those I ever offend or upset, because it's never ever intentional. I refuse to feel sorry for myself and I just simply will not allow myself to be sad and miserable most of the time because at the end of every day, I'm still alive and I know that there are always others worse off than me. So forgive me for not taking anything too serious most of the year round. But one day of the year, I feel enough pain, sadness and guilt to last me the rest of the year through. In some ways it's too much, but in other ways I feel guilty for it not being enough.

Aidan and Kieran - thank you so much for understanding. I love you boys and I couldn't be more proud of you both than I am.

Ian, Dave, Paul, Keith, You'll Never Walk Alone lads. Ever. Never ever forgotten. Sean.
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Offline the invisible man

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Re: Ok, here goes... Survivors: Here.
« Reply #199 on: April 20, 2011, 05:07:42 am »
brave words macca ... and it is great for you to say whats on your mind....

most of us have had similar thoughts and many still can't speak or go out in crowds or even go to the match beause of the trauma of what happened that day...

there is always someone to talk to either here, or pop into the hjc shop and have a word with gerry, or anyone... we understand and we share our pain and the love of our lost ones...

ynwa
t.i.m...