Saturday 20th January
Brighton & Hove Albion V Chelsea (1-1): Chelsea to struggle again for goals with Morata out and Batshuayi headed for the exit. Really hope they waste their time with Carroll. Will go behind, then salvage a point through... let's say Alonso because he's in my fantasy team.
Arsenal V Crystal Palace (1-0): shit game between a moribund Arse and a Hodgepodge. Ramsey to win it with a scruffer.
Burnley V Manchester United (1-3): would like Burnley to cause them problems but they'll be low on confidence and Man U will be high as a kite because they managed to convince Sanchez to see out his twilight years for them for only half a million quid per week plus a 300 trillion pound signing bonus. We're still big! We still matter! Martial to score twice then get benched the rest of the season to keep Precious happy.
Everton V West Bromwich Albion (1-2): Walcott to make an early pace assist to Turkish Harry Kane and the wooden seats will be a-rattlin' with excitement, before Albion hilariously bursts their bubble. Pardew to do the Bartman; I will be OK with that.
Leicester City V Watford (0-3): just because one game has to go against the form meter, and Watford and Leicester always seem to be on one side or the other of such shenanigans. Like, who concedes 4 at home to Huddlesfield? Or follows up a couple of big away wins with a home thrashing by Palace? These c*nts, that's who.
Stoke City V Huddersfield Town (0-0): nobody cares, just call it off!
West Ham United V AFC Bournemouth (2-1): Moyesiah redemption continues. Should be peaking just in time for the inevitable Mourinho Meltdown. Just sayin'...
Manchester City V Newcastle United (2-0): they'll be out for revenge, but might snatch at the early opportunities and get a little bit anxious. Might be late goals in this one.
Sunday 21st January
Southampton V Tottenham Hotspur (0-3): could do with someone taking the wind of Spurs' sails a bit, since Arsenal have fallen by the wayside. Saints aren't the team to do it, though. Pellegrino will be gone by mid-Feb. Shame, I want him to do well.
Monday 22nd January
Swansea City V Liverpool (1-4): everyone (well, Lawro) goes on about "oh it would be so Liverpool to follow up an epic win against the runaway leaders with a sopping draw against the runaway losers", but Klopp is very clearly making his mark on the team now, and I don't think there will be a decline. 8 days' rest and no mid-week game mean we don't need to rotate, so look for the new Fab Four (now with the power of Ox!) to rip into the Swans. This would be our 5th league win on the trot if we can manage it; have we done this since the Year of the Suarez?
