Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny  (Read 465696 times)

Online Lfc19ynwa

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6360 on: October 14, 2021, 02:43:17 pm »
School teacher in Manchester asks the class who supports Man Utd ? All the class apart from Billy put their hands up . Teacher asks who he supports and Billy says Millwall miss, teacher asks why and Billy says my parents are both from south London and support them so I do to .
Teacher says you don’t have to copy your parents , what would you do if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a burglar ? Billy replies I’d support Man Utd like you c*nts

Offline Medellin

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6361 on: October 14, 2021, 08:49:56 pm »
11 years ago today my friend James came running out shouting "it's a boy" with tears streaming down his face..

We never did go back to Thailand.
Support the team,Trust & Believe.

Offline Sudden Death Draft Loser

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6362 on: October 14, 2021, 08:54:32 pm »
11 years ago today my friend James came running out shouting "it's a boy" with tears streaming down his face..

We never did go back to Thailand.

 :lmao
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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6363 on: October 14, 2021, 09:21:23 pm »
A friend of mine keeps taking pictures of themself standing next to a boiling kettle.

I think they may have selfie steam issues.

Offline rob1966

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6364 on: October 18, 2021, 09:05:34 pm »

Offline farawayred

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6365 on: October 19, 2021, 12:35:16 am »
Get out, Rob!

;D
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Offline Medellin

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6366 on: October 19, 2021, 11:38:49 am »
I got attacked by 3 fellas last night..

I managed to knock one out.

Probably wasn't the best time for a wank but it could've been my last.
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Offline sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6367 on: October 21, 2021, 01:12:04 pm »
"My dog's learning to speak a foreign language."

"Español?"

"No, he's a labrador."

Offline bradders1011

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6368 on: October 23, 2021, 12:26:44 am »
Why did the Mexican take xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.
If I were a linesman, I would execute defenders who applauded my offsides.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6369 on: October 23, 2021, 01:36:04 am »
Sort of difficult to come up with positive aspects of Swiss culture.

The flag is a big plus...
Since haste quite Schorsch, but Liverpool are genuine fight pigs...

Offline Islander

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6370 on: October 26, 2021, 10:48:15 pm »
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Solskjaer:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Manager of Manchester United
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Solskjaer Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Solskjaer but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Solskjaer,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer

Offline Statto Red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6371 on: October 28, 2021, 08:58:11 pm »
I see Manchester United have set up a hotline for United fans traumatised by last Sundays result?

Call 0500 05-05-05 now
 ;D ;D


BTW i know it's an oldie, but they're still the best. ;D

Offline gary75

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6372 on: October 28, 2021, 10:03:04 pm »
Friend of mine has got a new job in a chess piece factory, he starts on nights next week.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6373 on: October 28, 2021, 10:12:12 pm »
Friend of mine has got a new job in a chess piece factory, he starts on nights next week.

Good luck to them, as a rookie, all the worst jobs will be pawned off on them at first.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6374 on: October 29, 2021, 07:11:20 am »
Friend of mine has got a new job in a chess piece factory, he starts on nights next week.

Are there any more vacancies? Any chance you can ask him to check, mate?

Offline farawayred

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6375 on: October 29, 2021, 07:22:48 am »
Are there any more vacancies? Any chance you can ask him to check, mate?
Timeout, mate, it's not black-and-white whether a rookie can do such a gambit.
Cruyff: "Victory is not enough, there also needs to be beautiful football."

Offline gary75

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6376 on: October 29, 2021, 01:27:01 pm »
Friend of mine has got a new job in a chess piece factory, he starts on nights next week.

Personally, I don't he'll last, he gets board quickly.

Offline liversaint

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6377 on: October 29, 2021, 08:17:24 pm »
Friend of mine has got a new job in a chess piece factory, he starts on nights next week.

Hope he doesn’t spend time bashing his bishop
You say Honey? I say Fuck off.

You dont win friends with Salad

There is another option. Mr Ferguson organises the fixtures in his office and sends it to us and everyone will know and cannot complain. That is simple.

Offline blert596

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6378 on: October 30, 2021, 02:21:38 pm »
I heard he has a checkered past
All the badge kissing in the world don't make up for the fact that they are, frankly, not Liverpool Football Club. It's not their fault. Its just how it is.

Offline Tesco tearaway∗@xmas

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6379 on: October 30, 2021, 02:39:11 pm »
Sounds like he needs to get down off his high horse.
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Redwhiteandnotblue

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6380 on: October 30, 2021, 08:27:58 pm »
Are there any more vacancies? Any chance you can ask him to check, mate?

Just saying, en passant, it may not be a bona FIDE opening that he's promoting, mate. Classical cover for a drug outfit - there's quite the Bongcloud there if you get on board. A rapid check may help you to dodge a bullet.

Offline Redwhiteandnotblue

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6381 on: October 30, 2021, 08:29:25 pm »
I heard he has a checkered past


Mate, in one!

Offline red1977

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6382 on: October 31, 2021, 05:33:02 pm »
I got attacked by 3 fellas last night..

I managed to knock one out.

Probably wasn't the best time for a wank but it could've been my last.

 ;D ;D ;D

Offline dai_bonehead

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6383 on: November 4, 2021, 02:04:01 pm »
Had to read that one Caerphilly to spot it.

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack Corsas on fire off the hard shoulder of the A469. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Castle Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like… tears in rain.

Time to die.

Offline BlackandWhitePaul

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6384 on: November 10, 2021, 04:21:55 pm »
I hear my boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.  I have a hunch, it might be me   :(
Absolute quality! I know Shearer gets a lot of stick for his punditry, but lets be honest he's a legend.

Offline Tesco tearaway∗@xmas

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6385 on: November 10, 2021, 08:59:30 pm »
Interviewer: "So then, where do you see yourself in 5 years time?"

Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening."
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline sinnermichael

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6386 on: November 11, 2021, 12:30:01 pm »
Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

One is a marsupial and the other is a geordie stuck in a lift.

Offline Gerroffofit yer pesky kids and take your puppies with you!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6387 on: November 11, 2021, 12:46:38 pm »
Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

One is a marsupial and the other is a geordie stuck in a lift.

:lmao
Sorry everyone. Likely to be off on a rant at the drop of an annoyed otter.

Offline Redwhiteandnotblue

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6388 on: November 12, 2021, 02:48:07 pm »
I'm looking for a partner for my new deer cloning business. PM me if you want to make a quick buck.

Offline gary75

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6389 on: November 12, 2021, 10:41:51 pm »
Did you know that the first ever French fry wasn't cooked in France, it was actually cooked in Greece.

Offline Tesco tearaway∗@xmas

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6390 on: November 13, 2021, 12:49:41 am »
How many tickles can an octopus take?
Tentacles!
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline I've been a good boy.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6391 on: November 13, 2021, 09:47:18 am »
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

Offline Medellin

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6392 on: November 13, 2021, 06:16:16 pm »
Wrong thread..but

Support the team,Trust & Believe.

Offline Keith Lard

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6393 on: November 16, 2021, 04:23:10 pm »
What do you call a wrestler that drinks a lot of coffee?

Kenco Nagasaki
Pour yourself a drink and enjoy watching a genius in red - John Barnes || https://youtu.be/XEJfzUSH4e4

Offline A Debased Sausage lying in a Blanket

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6394 on: November 16, 2021, 10:55:14 pm »
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
:lmao
MAM!!! OUR BARRYS WEARING ME UNDIES AGAIN!! TELL HIM WILL YE!!

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Offline rob1966

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6395 on: November 17, 2021, 10:48:27 pm »
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

:lmao

Offline rob1966

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6396 on: November 17, 2021, 10:48:35 pm »
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those c*nts at the Post Office.

Offline Tesco tearaway∗@xmas

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6397 on: November 17, 2021, 10:49:19 pm »
What do you call a wrestler that drinks a lot of coffee?

Kenco Nagasaki
One for the arl fellas  ;D
If your moral compass is Piers Moron then I ask you to think whether someone who oversaw illegal phone hacking and published fake pictures depicting War Crimes is an appropriate person to look up to. In fact, I'd suggest you're a bit of a c*nt.

Offline Sangria

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6398 on: November 17, 2021, 11:40:28 pm »
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those c*nts at the Post Office.

Superb.
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Vidocq, 20 January 2011

http://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=267148.msg8032258#msg8032258

Offline A Debased Sausage lying in a Blanket

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Re: Jokes so bad they're punny
« Reply #6399 on: November 18, 2021, 12:29:03 am »
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those c*nts at the Post Office.
;D
MAM!!! OUR BARRYS WEARING ME UNDIES AGAIN!! TELL HIM WILL YE!!

@ChatanugaChucho