Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny

[Tesco tearaway]

What did the pirates call Noah's Ark?

The Arrrrrrrrk.

[Wabaloolah]

A woman is cleaning her 12 yr old's bedroom when she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags.

She asks her husband: "what should we do"?

Husband replies: "well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him".

this thread, I need to come more often!

[afc tukrish]

What did the pirates call Noah's Ark?

The Arrrrrrrrk.

 

[bradders1011]

On the M60 earlier a police car came flying past blues and twos and I got the chance to do the classic "He won't sell many ice creams going that fast" gag.

[sinnermichael]

Just seen a homeless man dressed as Henry VIII.

Crazy really because everyone knows that beggars can't be Tudors.

[I've been a good boy]

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

[Tesco tearaway]

My wife has just left me because of my obsession with supermarkets 
As she was walking down the path I shouted "Wait, Rose!"

[TepidT2O]

I’ve decided to write a book about todays storm.

It’s just a draft right now though

[Son of Spion]

I’ve decided to write a book about todays storm.

It’s just a draft right now though

Should be a breeze for a man with your skills. Hopefully it gets published. If not, I'm sure it will come as something of a blow.

[24/7]

I’ve decided to write a book about todays storm.

It’s just a draft right now though

Ooooh get Eu. Nice idea, mind.

[Sangria]

My wife has just left me because of my obsession with supermarkets 
As she was walking down the path I shouted "Wait, Rose!"

When she didn't stop, you sighed and said, "Asda la vista."

[BarryCrocker]

When she didn't stop, you sighed and said, "Asda la vista."

She said it was the Lidl things that made her leave in the end.

[Elmo!]

My wife has just left me because of my obsession with supermarkets 
As she was walking down the path I shouted "Wait, Rose!"

Yo've told us about your last wife Rose, but why did you your first wife, Tess go?

[Crosby Nick]

When she didn't stop, you sighed and said, "Asda la vista."

Bravo!

[Tesco tearaway]

When she didn't stop, you sighed and said, "Asda la vista."

I actually said... "The Asda la vista." 

Yo've told us about your last wife Rose, but why did you your first wife, Tess go?

She said it was the Lidl things that made her leave in the end.

Barry is right; it was my Lidl thing 

[Redwhiteandnotblue]

I've heard there's a naturist convention at Crosby Beach tomorrow. I'm thinking of going if I have nothing on.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.

He said "Hello sir! You are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too!"

I could see the problem straight away

Bat flattery

[Crosby Nick]

My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.

He said "Hello sir! You are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too!"

I could see the problem straight away

Bat flattery

Ducking freadful.

[Tesco tearaway]

My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.

He said "Hello sir! You are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too!"

I could see the problem straight away

Bat flattery

[jambutty]

Yul never wore cologne.

[Mark Walters]

Ducking freadful.

Better than the joke!

[afc tukrish]

Yul never wore cologne.

Seen that as someone's sig on this site, only just sorted out the pun.

Thought it was simply a reflection of Yul's manly man status... 

[Andy @ Allerton!]

I went to Tesco today and some nutter threw some Omega 3 pills at me.

Thankfully the injuries were super fish oil

[Son of Spion]

We saw a big group of Crows surrounding a dead body in the park this afternoon.

Looked like a murder investigation.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

We saw a big group of Crows surrounding a dead body in the park this afternoon.

Looked like a murder investigation.

I saw two crows when I went for a walk.

It was an attempted murder

[jambutty]

Seen that as someone's sig on this site, only just sorted out the pun.

Thought it was simply a reflection of Yul's manly man status... 

T'were mine.

Ya gorra say it to believe it.

Getting a Bitter to read that is orgasmic.  They want to swallow their tongue or spit.  A perfect pun that marries the written to the spoken.  Beautifully disguised.

[Sangria]

We're worried about the roof leaking, so we discussed ways of fixing it. I suggested covering the loft with absorbent material. It's the pro-fill-attic solution.

[TepidT2O]

I went out wearing white bread on my head.

I’m trying a new loaf hat diet.

[Tesco tearaway]

I went out wearing white bread on my head.

I’m trying a new loaf hat diet.

I'll bet the birds were all over you.

[SamLad]

Police have now confirmed that the man who died last night after falling from the roof of a nightclub was not a bouncer.

[sinnermichael]

Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

[Nobby Reserve]

Police have now confirmed that the man who died last night after falling from the roof of a nightclub was not a bouncer.

 

[Barneylfc∗]

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman are sitting in a bar talking about beekeeping.
Paddy Englishman says "I've got 50 bees in the hive. They produce 1 jar of fresh honey every week. But because there's only 50 bees, they're the happiest bees in the world."
Paddy Scotsman says "I've got 100 bees in the hive. They produce 1 jar of fresh honey every 2 to 3 days. I've been thinking about splitting them in to 2 hives, but they seem quite happy and there's enough room for them all in the 1 hive."
Paddy Irish man says "I've got 800,000 bees in 1 hive and I'm getting a fresh jar of honey every hour."
Paddy Englishman says "800,000 bees in 1 hive? That's terrible. There's no way they're happy being so cramped and living in those conditions."
Paddy Irish man says "Fuck 'em."

[Tesco tearaway]

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman are sitting in a bar talking about beekeeping.
Paddy Englishman says "I've got 50 bees in the hive. They produce 1 jar of fresh honey every week. But because there's only 50 bees, they're the happiest bees in the world."
Paddy Scotsman says "I've got 100 bees in the hive. They produce 1 jar of fresh honey every 2 to 3 days. I've been thinking about splitting them in to 2 hives, but they seem quite happy and there's enough room for them all in the 1 hive."
Paddy Irish man says "I've got 800,000 bees in 1 hive and I'm getting a fresh jar of honey every hour."
Paddy Englishman says "800,000 bees in 1 hive? That's terrible. There's no way they're happy being so cramped and living in those conditions."
Paddy Irish man says "Fuck 'em."

[sinnermichael]

"Oh no, I've fallen into a canal!" - a Venetian blind.

[farawayred]

Spurs

[bradders1011]

My wife had been hinting that she'd like a Kiefer Sutherland DVD for her birthday, so I got her Season One of "Designated Survivor".

"You thick bastard," she moaned. "I wanted 24."

It cost me a fortune, but I managed to get hold of another 23 copies.

[Fitzy.]

Walked in on my uncle shoving a carrot up his bum this morning.

I thought it was disgusting, now when I eat it it’s going to taste of carrots.

[bradders1011]

Walked in on my uncle shoving a carrot up his bum this morning.

I thought it was disgusting, now when I eat it it’s going to taste of carrots.

Snowman says to his mate "Does it smell like shit to you?"

[jambutty]