Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 672284 times)

liversaint · « **Reply #320 on:** January 12, 2017, 11:09:34 am »

Quote from: the good half on January 11, 2017, 08:08:27 pm

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why did the boy have to Irish in your joke?
Or the priest for that matter.
Or indeed the man.

Are you 5 and is it the 70's?

Ok, i get it, you didn't like it. not everything has to be PC or funny for that matter.

Barneylfc∗ · « **Reply #321 on:** January 12, 2017, 11:41:26 am »

Quote from: the good half on January 11, 2017, 08:08:27 pm

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why did the boy have to Irish in your joke?
Or the priest for that matter.
Or indeed the man.

Are you 5 and is it the 70's?

This is funnier than the joke

JerseyKloppite · « **Reply #322 on:** January 12, 2017, 02:10:17 pm »

Quote from: LiverLuke on December 7, 2016, 11:20:22 pm

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

the good half · « **Reply #323 on:** January 12, 2017, 03:55:23 pm »

Quote from: liversaint on January 12, 2017, 11:09:34 am

Ok, i get it, you didn't like it. not everything has to be PC or funny for that matter.

Good. Cause it's neither.

liversaint · « **Reply #324 on:** January 12, 2017, 05:47:39 pm »

Quote from: the good half on January 12, 2017, 03:55:23 pm

Good. Cause it's neither.

and here endeth todays sermon. Thanks for the advice.

Back on topic....

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid. She said, ‘What am I going to do with two dead dogs?’

zero zero · « **Reply #325 on:** January 12, 2017, 05:50:42 pm »

Quote from: liversaint on January 12, 2017, 05:47:39 pm

Back on topic....

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid. She said, ‘What am I going to do with two dead dogs?’

What have you got against dogs?
Or girlfriends for that matter?

Liver-Land · « **Reply #326 on:** January 12, 2017, 06:05:35 pm »

Quote from: liversaint on January 12, 2017, 05:47:39 pm

and here endeth todays sermon. Thanks for the advice.

Back on topic....

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid. She said, ‘What am I going to do with two dead dogs?’

Quite honestly, how dare you make fun of God's creatures in a state of eternal rest.

How very dare you...

liversaint · « **Reply #327 on:** January 12, 2017, 06:08:26 pm »

more non PC nonsense..

Religious groups can now text or Whatsapp their Gods using mobile phones.

Only available on pray as you go.

Liver-Land · « **Reply #328 on:** January 12, 2017, 06:14:02 pm »

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

reniformis · « **Reply #329 on:** January 13, 2017, 09:03:41 am »

I hate people who jump on a religious bandwagon when it suits them. As far as I'm concerned, a Christ is for life not just for dogmas.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #330 on:** January 13, 2017, 12:15:32 pm »

Congratulations!
You have won the main prize!
You have a choice of either £200, or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute show.

To claim your prize press '1' for the money; '2' for the show.

Big Red Richie · « **Reply #331 on:** January 13, 2017, 01:04:26 pm »

Well, I found it funny.

Solomon Grundy · « **Reply #332 on:** January 13, 2017, 01:31:37 pm »

Quote from: liversaint on January 12, 2017, 05:47:39 pm

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid. She said, ‘What am I going to do with two dead dogs?’

sminp · « **Reply #333 on:** January 13, 2017, 01:55:15 pm »

Quote from: liversaint on January 11, 2017, 06:10:36 pm

10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Chakan · « **Reply #334 on:** January 13, 2017, 09:54:16 pm »

Quote from: the good half on January 12, 2017, 03:55:23 pm

Good. Cause it's neither.

I laughed.

only6times · « **Reply #335 on:** January 14, 2017, 12:17:04 am »

What do you call a Chinaman from Birmingham who has a black eye? Hu Chin Yow.

rob1966 · « **Reply #336 on:** January 14, 2017, 01:30:36 pm »

Quote from: liversaint on January 11, 2017, 06:10:36 pm

10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

classycarra · « **Reply #337 on:** January 14, 2017, 02:15:36 pm »

Quote from: only5times on January 14, 2017, 12:17:04 am

What do you call a Chinaman from Birmingham who has a black eye? Hu Chin Yow.

An elaborate set up for a joke?

bigbonedrawky · « **Reply #338 on:** January 16, 2017, 05:57:20 pm »

10 year old Uzbekistani boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'...

End Product · « **Reply #339 on:** January 16, 2017, 06:02:16 pm »

What do blackpool donkeys get for dinner?

20 minutes.

eddymunster · « **Reply #340 on:** January 16, 2017, 07:37:35 pm »

Quote from: bigbonedrawky on January 16, 2017, 05:57:20 pm

10 year old Uzbekistani boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'...

That is the worst Uzbekistani accent I've ever heard.

Medellin · « **Reply #341 on:** January 16, 2017, 07:43:12 pm »

Quote from: End Product on January 16, 2017, 06:02:16 pm

What do blackpool donkeys get for dinner?

20 minutes.

The last time I visited Blackpool... I went on a donkey.
It took me 2 days to get there!

ChaChaMooMoo · « **Reply #342 on:** January 17, 2017, 06:05:41 am »

Quote from: Liver-Land on January 12, 2017, 06:05:35 pm

Quite honestly, how dare you make fun of God's creatures in a state of eternal rest.

How very dare you...

Jimmy. What's brown, fluffy, 3 years old and doesn't move?

Our quilt?

Nice try. But not this time. Our dog, Nibbles.

Gili Gulu · « **Reply #343 on:** January 17, 2017, 06:30:31 am »

how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Spoiler

Put it into a microwave and heat until it's bill withers

[close]

Elzar · « **Reply #344 on:** January 17, 2017, 09:32:21 am »

Quote from: End Product on January 16, 2017, 06:02:16 pm

What do Uzbekistani donkeys get for dinner?

20 minutes.

liversaint · « **Reply #345 on:** January 22, 2017, 07:58:54 pm »

A recently married girl phones her mum to say she's divorcing her very rich husband. The young woman explains it's because her husband always wants anal sex. She moans to her mum that when she got married she had a nice tight bumhole like a 5 pence piece and now it's stretched to a 50 pence piece.

Her mum says....You have a Porsche, a gold card...all the money you could possibly want and you're going to throw it all away for 45p?!

capt k · « **Reply #346 on:** January 23, 2017, 04:37:57 am »

A husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

liversaint · « **Reply #347 on:** January 23, 2017, 08:52:04 pm »

After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had"

Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.

MOZ · « **Reply #348 on:** January 24, 2017, 06:38:08 pm »

I left the gate open at the moose farm yesterday.

All elk broke loose.

liversaint · « **Reply #349 on:** January 24, 2017, 07:51:19 pm »

Talking of spuds. Did you know that Wigan and Las Vegas share a unique twinning?

They are the only two places on earth where you can pay for sex with chips.

Andy Hunter · « **Reply #350 on:** January 27, 2017, 11:32:22 pm »

What do call Stephane Henchoz doing stand up comedy in front of Arsenal fans?

HANDchoz

Groundskeeper Willie · « **Reply #351 on:** February 2, 2017, 09:28:02 am »

I had a German girlfriend who used to rate my performances in bed.
This one time we tried anal, and she kept yelling "MOOOOOURIIIIINHOOOOOOOO".

Barneylfc∗ · « **Reply #352 on:** February 2, 2017, 10:25:59 am »

Quote from: stavros on September 29, 2016, 09:05:48 am

My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. So last night I decided to try anal.

I must have been good as She kept yelling 9 over and over.

Groundskeeper Willie · « **Reply #353 on:** February 2, 2017, 10:37:10 am »

Well fuck. Changed it up a bit.

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #354 on:** February 2, 2017, 04:40:59 pm »

So she gave you a 6 out of 20?

Medellin · « **Reply #355 on:** February 2, 2017, 05:14:00 pm »

Just finished a jigsaw puzzle,took me 18 months to complete-i am quite pleased with myself coz it says 3-5 years on the box!

The arl ones are the best!

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #356 on:** February 2, 2017, 05:27:32 pm »

Two thick pieces of road are sitting at the bar having a drink, when a slender piece of road comes in. The two thick pieces of road immediately go to the corner, cowering.

Someone asks, "why are you scared of him, you're both much bigger."

One of them replies, "yes, but he's a cycle path!"

(probably read best in a west country accent)

Keith Lard · « **Reply #357 on:** February 2, 2017, 07:14:41 pm »

Quote from: my last name. on February 2, 2017, 05:27:32 pm

Two thick pieces of road are sitting at the bar having a drink, when a slender piece of road comes in. The two thick pieces of road immediately go to the corner, cowering.

Someone asks, "why are you scared of him, you're both much bigger."

One of them replies, "yes, but he's a cycle path!"

(probably read best in a west country accent)

hahaha brilliant

Medellin · « **Reply #358 on:** February 2, 2017, 08:32:14 pm »

Patient in hospital wakes up after anaesthetic..

Surgeon: "We have good news and bad news.."

Patient: "Oh fuck..gimme the bad news first.."

Surgeon: "We cut off the wrong leg.."

Patient: "Fucking hell..what the fuck is the good news.."?

Surgeon: "Your bad leg is getting better.."

Keith Lard · « **Reply #359 on:** February 2, 2017, 08:52:47 pm »

Quote from: Medellin on February 2, 2017, 08:32:14 pm

Patient in hospital wakes up after anaesthetic..

Surgeon: "We have good news and bad news.."

Patient: "Oh fuck..gimme the bad news first.."

Surgeon: "We cut off the wrong leg.."

Patient: "Fucking hell..what the fuck is the good news.."?

Surgeon: "Your bad leg is getting better.."

that joke's shite - i preferred cycle path