Topic: Struggling with depression

[Son of Spion]

Once again, thanks very much

You're welcome. As always. 

[Chakan]

My wife has been on anti-depressants for about 2 years (she's pretty much off them now though) and I don't say this lightly, that coupled with therapy saved my marriage.

[Son of Spion]

My wife has been on anti-depressants for about 2 years (she's pretty much off them now though) and I don't say this lightly, that coupled with therapy saved my marriage.

That's great to hear.

Coupled with the right help, meds can be very useful for many people.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Feel so sad to read the stuff in here. But there is nothing wrong with seeking help from time to time - we all do. I burst into tears with my mates in the pub after the match the other day and felt like a complete fucking  tit. But my mates are sound and it's nothing to be ashamed of. We all need a bit of help and a bit of release from time to time


My mum was on the Samaritans (Despite having to do four jobs to keep a roof over our house and me and my sis fed) - what a woman! But the point is that they are always there to listen and always there to help.

If you need someone to chat to or someone to help you then they are amazing people.

UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
116 123


US:

http://samaritansusa.org/


https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

[Chakan]

That's great to hear.

Coupled with the right help, meds can be very useful for many people.

Absolutely agree. She has had a lot of troubles in her life (shitty family/parents etc) and it wasn't until she visited a psychiatrist that told her mainly what the issue was a recommended medication to normalize her brain chemistry that she really started the road to recovery. She had tried a lot of other things before that.

Never too late to seek help.

[Kenny's Jacket]

Feel so sad to read the stuff in here. But there is nothing wrong with seeking help from time to time - we all do. I burst into tears with my mates in the pub after the match the other day and felt like a complete fucking  tit. But my mates are sound and it's nothing to be ashamed of. We all need a bit of help and a bit of release from time to time


My mum was on the Samaritans (Despite having to do four jobs to keep a roof over our house and me and my sis fed) - what a woman! But the point is that they are always there to listen and always there to help.

If you need someone to chat to or someone to help you then they are amazing people.

UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
116 123


US:

http://samaritansusa.org/


https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Sounds like you have great mates, as have I, that reflects well on you
something we can be thankful for mate

Your Mum sounds ace

[Red Beret]

Quietly fuming after a "friend" once again insinuated that I'm a benefits cheat because I travel and receive the mobility element of PIP.

Used to turn a blind eye, but this time I kicked off. That's not relieved the chest pains caused by anxiety though. I'm going to be reliving last night for days, maybe weeks.

Why can't people just fuck off??

[Kenny's Jacket]

Quietly fuming after a "friend" once again insinuated that I'm a benefits cheat because I travel and receive the mobility element of PIP.

Used to turn a blind eye, but this time I kicked off. That's not relieved the chest pains caused by anxiety though. I'm going to be reliving last night for days, maybe weeks.

Why can't people just fuck off??

Ask them where it states you cant travel and get PIP. I got PIP as soon as I was an adult for being a permanent wheelchair user. Then, when I went abroad to work I came off it. They didnt question my ability to travel when I was coming off it

[ToneLa]

Quietly fuming after a "friend" once again insinuated that I'm a benefits cheat because I travel and receive the mobility element of PIP.

Used to turn a blind eye, but this time I kicked off. That's not relieved the chest pains caused by anxiety though. I'm going to be reliving last night for days, maybe weeks.

Why can't people just fuck off??

Sorry to hear you had a "friend" who turned out to be that kind of no-thinking scum. Ironic to have a mental disorder yet there's undiagnosed (presumably of your friend) people who think all wrong

You're better off without the toxicity though. In a way it is good they outed themselves. You're free of them now

I hope you feel like that sooner rather than later, it's their problem entirely

[Son of Spion]

Quietly fuming after a "friend" once again insinuated that I'm a benefits cheat because I travel and receive the mobility element of PIP.

Used to turn a blind eye, but this time I kicked off. That's not relieved the chest pains caused by anxiety though. I'm going to be reliving last night for days, maybe weeks.

Why can't people just fuck off??

I'm sorry to hear that, Red. I honestly cannot stand people like that. So ignorant of the complexities of disability, be it mental, physical or both. Personally, I'd not have such people in my life because they drain you.

Too many people live in ivory towers and have no understanding of what others deal with  on a daily basis. Unless you are trapped in a corner, sat in your own piss and shit, they think you are unworthy of support. It stems from ignorance. A lack of knowledge, a lack of understanding and a lack of empathy. How lucky they are to live in such blissful ignorance, eh.

For many people, their benefit and the safety net it gives them is what is keeping them alive. It can be the only little bit of stability they feel they have in their lives. Yet there are always spiteful little shits trying to undermine that fragment of stability. It makes my blood boil.

Take care mate. You are a genuine human being. Worth a hundred of that type. Hold your head up.

[Red Beret]

The thing that pisses me off is that this person has severe mental health and depression issues of their own.

I know my own condition: EUPD, Complex-PTSD, on the spectrum and likely undiagnosed ADHD. I always struggled interacting with people, trying to get work, job interviews etc. I didn't get my first tax paying job until I was twenty fucking eight years old, and by the time I was thirty seven I was completely burnt out.

But apparently, because I just did a cruise, and can travel to London, this person thinks I don't need the £26 quid a week standard mobility; as if by having it I'm depriving someone else of it.

The mobility award came to me retrospectively when I got my £7k arrears back in March. Apparently, I should have had it six years go. I don't even know what I put on my fucking form six years ago!

I'm desperately trying to avoid projecting, but I've seen this person roll their eyes when I talk about my condition; to my mind, they don't think I'm as bad as I make out. This same person who sees me as "in the system" and doesn't want to end up like me, yet seems to resent the amount of financial support I've been able to get. Because to them, I "seem" capable.

I don't have to explain myself or justify my award to them; they're not a DWP assessor and they're not a bloody therapist either. They should be trying to sort out their own car crash of a life instead of trying to stick a crowbar in mine.

I'm sorry to rant, but I feel deeply hurt and upset. I've always tried to be there for them, and I've never once questioned their circumstances. But for years I feel they've been getting sly digs in on me and now I just feel completely fucked up. If I didn't get out of the house and try to make myself do things, I'd just become a recluse. Then, what's the point of anything?

It's as if you need to be fucking miserable all the time to justify being on benefits!

[Son of Spion]

I used to use a mental health forum for years. A really good resource it was too. But you'd always get a few who would make out they were worse than everyone else. They'd say "If you can do x, y or z, you cannot have [insert condition here] because I have x and I can't do it."

Basically, people questioning how things affect others and the validity of their subjective experiences. It stinks, it really does. I remember being told by one of two clowns that I couldn't possibly have had severe Social Anxiety Disorder because I'd had girlfriends. No acknowledgement whatsoever of the sheer hard work I had put in to try to have those relationships. The stress, the anxiety, the having to get drunk in order to go out of the house. Basically, it was all "if you do x, you cannot have y.

Thing is, my life was totally fucked, but I refused to sit in the corner and die. I still tried. Usually crashed and burned, but still tried. Unfortunately, to some people, that means everything in your life is rosey and you are not as 'bad' as them and are then unworthy of any support you receive.

It's often thought that people with a lot of issues of their own are more empathic towards others as a result. My experience doesn't really back that up. It often makes people a lot more selfish and self-focused. Some of the most unempathic, unsympathetic people I've come across have been people with plenty of issues of their own.

[reddebs]

The thing that pisses me off is that this person has severe mental health and depression issues of their own.

It's as if you need to be fucking miserable all the time to justify being on benefits!

I think it's more that by not claiming benefits they can ignore how bad their life is, a bit like refusing to see a doctor because they don't want to know they're ill.

It harks back to the 'pull yourself together' attitude of it's mind over matter and everyone's life is shit but we just get on with it brigade.

They're thoughtless idiots incapable of showing empathy or support so you're probably better off without them in your life, as hard as that is 😕

[Red Beret]

It's often thought that people with a lot of issues of their own are more empathic towards others as a result. My experience doesn't really back that up. It often makes people a lot more selfish and self-focused. Some of the most unempathic, unsympathetic people I've come across have been people with plenty of issues of their own.

the irony of my friend is that generally they are very compassionate. But they have a nasty side and won't piss on you if you're on fire if they're angry at you. Bit like my mother actually. Very loving in her own way, but she could turn on a dime.

I try really hard not to be angry any more. I think my friend thrives on conflict and confrontation - I think it may be a self esteem issue, so they can beat themselves up on forums and then get the validation and support they're after (not what I'm doing here lol). Feels like they've been pushing my buttons for ages, trying to get a response out of me because I'm typically so laid back, and their constant cancelling or no-shows when we had plans didn't phase me. (I was used to it, so always had a Plan B.)

Maybe my friend thought they were being supportive in their own way, trying to encourage me. But I'll wait for an assessor to determine my benefit entitlement, and my friend thinks it's wrong, they can always grass me up to the DWP if they want to be self righteous over it all.

[Red Beret]

I think it's more that by not claiming benefits they can ignore how bad their life is, a bit like refusing to see a doctor because they don't want to know they're ill.

It harks back to the 'pull yourself together' attitude of it's mind over matter and everyone's life is shit but we just get on with it brigade.

They're thoughtless idiots incapable of showing empathy or support so you're probably better off without them in your life, as hard as that is 😕

I've never judged or commentated on my friend's actions or lifestyle choices.  Never judged them. The number of appointments they've cancelled or missed because they were drunk, hungover, depressed or a combination is likely a lot. But it's easier to put a crowbar into someone else's life than fix your own I guess. Just full busybody mode.

They're in a far worse state than I was at that age, but struggle to do anything about it. I can't help them with that though.

[reddebs]

I've never judged or commentated on my friend's actions or lifestyle choices.  Never judged them. The number of appointments they've cancelled or missed because they were drunk, hungover, depressed or a combination is likely a lot. But it's easier to put a crowbar into someone else's life than fix your own I guess. Just full busybody mode.

They're in a far worse state than I was at that age, but struggle to do anything about it. I can't help them with that though.

So true mate.

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Quietly fuming after a "friend" once again insinuated that I'm a benefits cheat because I travel and receive the mobility element of PIP.

Used to turn a blind eye, but this time I kicked off. That's not relieved the chest pains caused by anxiety though. I'm going to be reliving last night for days, maybe weeks.

Why can't people just fuck off??

Easy answer to this one. Fuck the 'friend' off. They aren't one. They are a shithouse.

Toxic people is something you don't need.

[ianburns252]

Easy answer to this one. Fuck the 'friend' off. They aren't one. They are a shithouse.

Toxic people is something you don't need.

Can be so hard to especially if you have known them for a hell of a long time and invested so much time and energy in that friendship - to distil it down it is essentially the sunk cost fallacy and so just because you have put all this time and energy in doesn't mean you shouldn't know when to cut your losses rather than continue to incur "cost" but we are human beings and especially with people it obviously is not that simple what so ever.

There are often also characteristics of that person that have meant lots to you and that you would miss massively if you did break off the friendship and so the worry about missing that can make it hard too.

I've had a few friends and partners over the years who I have kept in my life for longer than I should have due to toxic traits and who after eventually cutting the cord I have regretted doing so at times because of getting rose tinted glasses about the past.

There is one ex in particular - we were terrible for each other and she was part of a number of factors that led me to try and take my own life. On paper, obviously not great for me, right?

Well dammit there have been a number of times post breakup (especially when I first started living along again) where I have longed for her to be back because there was always then someone to talk to, she was very good at playing the game whereby things like me cooking for us both (and I do love cooking tbf) was part of her "I need you but only when it suits me" approach but me getting to cook for someone and just chat shit about our day was class, even if it would often blow up and was damaging too me

A very tough position to be in Red Beret and I don't envy you having to be in the position

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Can be so hard to especially if you have known them for a hell of a long time and invested so much time and energy in that friendship - to distil it down it is essentially the sunk cost fallacy and so just because you have put all this time and energy in doesn't mean you shouldn't know when to cut your losses rather than continue to incur "cost" but we are human beings and especially with people it obviously is not that simple what so ever.

There are often also characteristics of that person that have meant lots to you and that you would miss massively if you did break off the friendship and so the worry about missing that can make it hard too.

I've had a few friends and partners over the years who I have kept in my life for longer than I should have due to toxic traits and who after eventually cutting the cord I have regretted doing so at times because of getting rose tinted glasses about the past.

There is one ex in particular - we were terrible for each other and she was part of a number of factors that led me to try and take my own life. On paper, obviously not great for me, right?

Well dammit there have been a number of times post breakup (especially when I first started living along again) where I have longed for her to be back because there was always then someone to talk to, she was very good at playing the game whereby things like me cooking for us both (and I do love cooking tbf) was part of her "I need you but only when it suits me" approach but me getting to cook for someone and just chat shit about our day was class, even if it would often blow up and was damaging too me

A very tough position to be in Red Beret and I don't envy you having to be in the position

Ian mate.

Wonderful post.

I had a girlfrend from what I was about 17 until 25. We were great together and fucking horrible.

We weren't bad people. But together.... ? 

We both put 100% in but we were just not working. We had an amazing relationship. We broke up every other week and the make ups were amazing

But draining.

I wish I could have found a way together. I felt that she was my soul partner. But eventually it broke and we moved on and I met a person that I love from the root of my soul. Someone that I can be me with. Someone that makes my life worthwhile and she came from a terrible, terrible, terrible horrific world of shite and together we've had 30 years of amazing.

You feel that when the 'one' doesn't work that's it. Forever.

But that might not be the case. I'm not the person now I once was. I think I've always tried to be nice and I think I've tried to be the person that might do the right thing. I've had a ridiculous life. How I have come of the other side like I am - someone that cares and tries to help - I have no idea. but I like the me she has made me and I like the me I think I always was.

We all have a fucking hard path to follow. Never do yourself down. If you care for others more than yourself then you are a fucking superstar. x

[Son of Spion]

I agree that it can be hard leaving even toxic relationships or friendships behind. I once had a girlfriend I dreamed of having for years. I thought I'd won the lottery when I finally got with her. It was deeply intense, but also tempestuous. We both had our problems, but hers were actually worse than mine. She was wonderful when sober, but turned into a violent, abusive monster when in drink. She'd then play on my own mental health problems and push my buttons in order to hurt deeply.

We invested almost seven years in each other, but eventually I had to leave for my own sanity. It was so difficult to do. People on the outside looking in often said I should get the hell out of there, but when you invest your time and love into someone, it's never that easy to just walk away.

I have walked away from some old friendships though. Again, it's not always easy to do, but I try to keep toxicity in my life to a minimum now. If it's not working, it's not working. Best to let it go.

Nothing is perfect, though. No friend. No partner. But we have to decide if the relationships we do have are working for us or not. I try to give people room, just as I hope they give me room too, because I know I'm far from perfect. The odd fall out is no big deal really, but if things are not working out and actually getting us down consistently then I suppose a conversation needs to be had. If things can't be worked out via honest conversation then decisions need to be made for the good of our mental well-being. It's not easy walking away but, then again, it's maybe harder staying in something that is not working and is actually damaging.

[Red Beret]

Yeah. It's complicated like that. Known this person for a good 8 or 9 years.

She once told me I was that only person that should could get absolutely shitfaced with at a night club one day, then go for a lovely country walk, gym, restaurant or museum on another. Her problem is she thrives on drama, conflict and confrontation. Then she laments how she'll "never learn" to keep her gob shut.

The kind of person who will fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up;

Whereas I'm the kind of guy who will forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, you're out.

She can't help herself. It's who she is. And it's not my job to fix her. She does this kind of shit with her mum all the time, but then they move on and pretend it never happened. I'm not her therapist, or her dad, or her boyfriend. And even if she's learned enough to stay quiet, I know she'll be thinking this stuff.

No clue what drives it. She said she doesn't want to be in the system like me, but engages in self destructive behaviour. Probably all sorts of validation seeking, confirmation bias, low self esteem etc. She seems resentful sometimes; maybe even bitter. I've got no debts and my overheads are low, so I'm fortunate that my benefit affords me a good disposable income. I eat out a lot, as it's easier than cooking and gives me a reason to leave the house. As I see it, I'm putting money back into the economy. Lost count of the number of times I paid for the night out because she was skint. I've never thrown it back in her face; never asked for the money back, although she has sometimes given me a bit back. I never considered our friendship transactional.

Her brother doesn't get anywhere near the financial support he needs or deserves. I've offered several times to work on the forms for both him and her, but get turned down every time. The problem with those in that situation is that they're typically least equipped to communicate their situation and distress. I had a different friend who paid a benefits lawyer £250 to do her form for her. I'd do it for nothing. Writing is one of my residual skills from my time in university.

I don't know why she felt the need to take these repeated sly digs at me. (All couched in very gentle and polite terms of course.) It's £26 a week - you would think my having it was depriving someone else of theirs. That's not how it works. And the economy isn't screwed because of the benefits system, no matter what the government might think Tories might say.

I'm heart broken essentially. I have to let this person go because I'm tired of the toxic behaviour. But you don't erase eight years of (mostly) good times. A part of me wonders if I'm overreacting; if we were just both drunk. But then I remind myself that my benefits are none of her fucking business and it's hard enough without thinking people who are supposed to be your mates are giving you the side-eye. I don't do well out of an unstable environment, and I don't need the paranoia in my life.

But it still fucking hurts.

[Hestoic]

Yeah. It's complicated like that. Known this person for a good 8 or 9 years.

She once told me I was that only person that should could get absolutely shitfaced with at a night club one day, then go for a lovely country walk, gym, restaurant or museum on another. Her problem is she thrives on drama, conflict and confrontation. Then she laments how she'll "never learn" to keep her gob shut.

The kind of person who will fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up, fall out-make up;

Whereas I'm the kind of guy who will forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, you're out.

She can't help herself. It's who she is. And it's not my job to fix her. She does this kind of shit with her mum all the time, but then they move on and pretend it never happened. I'm not her therapist, or her dad, or her boyfriend. And even if she's learned enough to stay quiet, I know she'll be thinking this stuff.

No clue what drives it. She said she doesn't want to be in the system like me, but engages in self destructive behaviour. Probably all sorts of validation seeking, confirmation bias, low self esteem etc. She seems resentful sometimes; maybe even bitter. I've got no debts and my overheads are low, so I'm fortunate that my benefit affords me a good disposable income. I eat out a lot, as it's easier than cooking and gives me a reason to leave the house. As I see it, I'm putting money back into the economy. Lost count of the number of times I paid for the night out because she was skint. I've never thrown it back in her face; never asked for the money back, although she has sometimes given me a bit back. I never considered our friendship transactional.

Her brother doesn't get anywhere near the financial support he needs or deserves. I've offered several times to work on the forms for both him and her, but get turned down every time. The problem with those in that situation is that they're typically least equipped to communicate their situation and distress. I had a different friend who paid a benefits lawyer £250 to do her form for her. I'd do it for nothing. Writing is one of my residual skills from my time in university.

I don't know why she felt the need to take these repeated sly digs at me. (All couched in very gentle and polite terms of course.) It's £26 a week - you would think my having it was depriving someone else of theirs. That's not how it works. And the economy isn't screwed because of the benefits system, no matter what the government might think Tories might say.

I'm heart broken essentially. I have to let this person go because I'm tired of the toxic behaviour. But you don't erase eight years of (mostly) good times. A part of me wonders if I'm overreacting; if we were just both drunk. But then I remind myself that my benefits are none of her fucking business and it's hard enough without thinking people who are supposed to be your mates are giving you the side-eye. I don't do well out of an unstable environment, and I don't need the paranoia in my life.

But it still fucking hurts.

I have given up several friendships of over 20 years in the past year or two, so I know how it feels mate.

Ask yourself: if you met this person for the first time right now without any history, would you want to see that person again? If the last conversation you had in person was the actual first time you met them and they treated you the way they did, would you want to hang out with them again?

If someone is toxic for you and you know it, once you've made a decision to break away from that person then always remember why you did it, and respect the decision and respect yourself by sticking to it.

[Red Beret]

I have given up several friendships of over 20 years in the past year or two, so I know how it feels mate.

Ask yourself: if you met this person for the first time right now without any history, would you want to see that person again? If the last conversation you had in person was the actual first time you met them and they treated you the way they did, would you want to hang out with them again?

If someone is toxic for you and you know it, once you've made a decision to break away from that person then always remember why you did it, and respect the decision and respect yourself by sticking to it.

Aye. Of course, now I'm second guessing myself, thinking maybe I overreacted, that maybe I might have said something without realizing to provoke her etc.

She wasn't mean in what she said; it was more "I understand, but you seem able to do x and y with little trouble; everybody struggles sometimes and I'm sure you wouldn't become a recluse because you wouldn't let yourself..."

That kind of thing. All very reasonable on the surface, but my stability felt threatened so my EUPD kicked in and I kicked off because it's not the first time it's come up and it's absolutely none of her business.

[Son of Spion]

It's a tough one, Red.

If backed into a corner and asked if you want to save this friendship or not, what would you say? Just be honest with yourself there. If you weigh it up and say yes you do, then maybe one last sober conversation to clear the air is due. If not, then I suppose it's time to step away.

Stepping away need not always be a painful sudden break off. Maybe do it slowly, over a period of time where you spend less and less time together and drift apart more naturally. Then again, a sudden break may suit you better. Only you know the answer there.

The girl I mentioned in my other post. I tried to 'save' her from her own actions. It never worked. People have to save themselves. We can only offer support to aid their process. If it's a constant cycle of drama, though, and the other person seems to thrive off the chaos, it never really bodes well. Sometimes we have to accept we are on someone else's roundabout, then decide if we want to or can afford to continue the ride.

It's painful either way. Sticking around can be painful. Walking away can be painful too. Only we can decide which option is best for ourselves in the longer term. I'm sure you'll work this out one way or another. All the best with everything.

Oh, regarding benefits. I agree with you 100%. You Are legitimately entitled to them. No matter what shite the Tories and their buddies say, none of that money is lost. It all goes straight back into the economy. It's not like claimants are living in Barbados on their benefit. It goes into their bank, then is paid straight back into the local economy as you buy food, clothes and pay your way.

[Red Beret]

It's a tough one, Red.

If backed into a corner and asked if you want to save this friendship or not, what would you say? Just be honest with yourself there. If you weigh it up and say yes you do, then maybe one last sober conversation to clear the air is due. If not, then I suppose it's time to step away.

Honestly mate, I'm indifferent right now. Maybe I've just disassociated from the whole thing. I'm not raging like I was, and wanting to hurl hurtful words. I've not unfriended or blocked them, but if they messaged me I wouldn't know what to say. Trust is hard to cultivate and easily destroyed. I just don't feel this person is worthy of my time anymore. That makes me feel sad though.

[Son of Spion]

As the dust settles I assume you'll work out what's best for you. I agree about trust. It can be a fragile thing. Like a precious vase, it can take a long time to build, but seconds to break.

Give yourself time and space, mate.

[Red Beret]

As the dust settles I assume you'll work out what's best for you. I agree about trust. It can be a fragile thing. Like a precious vase, it can take a long time to build, but seconds to break.

Give yourself time and space, mate.

Thanks. I'm in a severely paranoid state right now. My brain thinks my mate is going to call the DWP in a fit of self righteous pique.  😂

I tell myself that's stupid of course, but it's only limited help. I might try the samaritans to be honest

[ianburns252]

Thanks. I'm in a severely paranoid state right now. My brain thinks my mate is going to call the DWP in a fit of self righteous pique.  😂

I tell myself that's stupid of course, but it's only limited help. I might try the samaritans to be honest

I know it might be of little relief to hear but this is perfectly natural mate - especially when you are so invested in a person and aren't in a great space yourself then ruminating on it and overthinking to the extent of creating scenarios in your head will happen. Trust me, I know from my own experience

It isn't stupid mate - but it does create a brain fog and so anything you can do to help alleviate it is good. Hopefully speaking here and expressing things in a non-judgemental environment will have helped you to put thoughts in order.

I really hope things improve and you get some closure (whether through an apology from this person or through being able to separate from them if you do decide that the friendship is not good for you) and that things get better.

[ToneLa]

Thanks. I'm in a severely paranoid state right now. My brain thinks my mate is going to call the DWP in a fit of self righteous pique. 

I tell myself that's stupid of course, but it's only limited help. I might try the samaritans to be honest

I spoke a while ago about catastrophizing and it is a great sign you can actually identify it

Not the same as getting full help with it I know mate.

Having someone to listen to might help. That's the thing, these thoughts are these thoughts. It's what you do with them that counts. Good on you for considering the Samaritans, out of all the options and responses out there - that's good

[Kenny's Jacket]

Ive been given really good news on something I was catastrophising about, now my brain is busy looking for something else to replace it with

 

[Red Beret]

I know it might be of little relief to hear but this is perfectly natural mate - especially when you are so invested in a person and aren't in a great space yourself then ruminating on it and overthinking to the extent of creating scenarios in your head will happen. Trust me, I know from my own experience

It isn't stupid mate - but it does create a brain fog and so anything you can do to help alleviate it is good. Hopefully speaking here and expressing things in a non-judgemental environment will have helped you to put thoughts in order.

I really hope things improve and you get some closure (whether through an apology from this person or through being able to separate from them if you do decide that the friendship is not good for you) and that things get better.

I don't think I'll get an apology.

It's hard to remark on the situation without the risk of just projecting. I know she is struggling and having an awful time with the DWP over her PIP Universal Credit award - she's apparently been picked at random for some kind of audit and the wording of the letter tipped her into a spiral. But she then made a pointed comment on FB about "other claimants taking the piss". I dunno if that was a barb at me, but even if it is, what she thinks of me is none of my business.

It's just a shame after almost 10 years of hanging around, having fun, trying to support someone, they got laser focussed on this single issue and it completely disrupted our friendship.  I'm not on UC myself; I receive my benefit under the old system and I don't have an online account with the DWP or anything. But I remember I had to appeal my ESA decision at least three times when I first applied, between 2010 and 2014, so I know how stressful it can be to get what you're entitled to and for them to leave you alone.

I didn't expect to get the mobility element; I didn't write anything in my form with a view to getting it. Was I surprised? Yes. Am I going to call them and say I think they made a mistake? Absolutely not. Not because I'm a cheat, but because it might trigger a whole new assessment process around 12 to 18 months early, and that's enough to keep me awake at night.

I think this is a situation where she's convinced herself of her own self righteous indignation, rather than a case of feeling bitter and resentful.

[Red Beret]

Ive been given really good news on something I was catastrophising about, now my brain is busy looking for something else to replace it with

 

That really is the way of things mate. Our brains are addicted to problem solving. Best advice I can give you is to try and meditate, or get yourself off somewhere peaceful where you can calm your mind. Mental discipline is so important, as otherwise we're just boats without paddles being carried over river rapids.

[John C]

I don't think I'll get an apology.

Hey Paul mate, stay strong and take your own advice. You posted this about 7 years ago.

[Red Beret]

Hey Paul mate, stay strong and take your own advice. You posted this about 7 years ago.

Absolutely mate. I'm trying to look at it as a teachable moment. It's certainly made me appreciate my bestie all the more.

[kesey]

They aren't thinking about you
They never were
They wern't projecting themselves onto you
It isn't personal and it's not yours to mend
Remember this and be free
It's your time now

- Some fella .

[Kenny's Jacket]

Were playing City in a few hours and I have no pre match nerves or excitement. I just feel flat and really weird.

I decided to come off the pills, I might go back to them,  might try different ones.

But I feel a lot better, really, really, nervous about the game, how it should be

Ive been given really good news on something I was catastrophising about, now my brain is busy looking for something else to replace it with

I found stuff, but coping with it and viewing the issue with better perspective.

Trouble is I dunno if its because of when I was on the on the SSRIs

Anyway, hope everyone is well
Lots of love and up the reds

 

[reddebs]

I decided to come off the pills, I might go back to them,  might try different ones.

But I feel a lot better, really, really, nervous about the game, how it should be


I found stuff, but coping with it and viewing the issue with better perspective.

Trouble is I dunno if its because of when I was on the on the SSRIs

Anyway, hope everyone is well
Lots of love and up the reds

 

Do what feels right for you mate.  I've had some pills that worked well for me and sorted me out pretty quickly but I had another lot that sent me fully crazy within a week or so of taking them so I stopped taking them straight away and felt better for it.

Enjoy the game 👍

[ToneLa]

Just a quick 'un to say if I make it to January the 5th, that's six months with no alcohol

And this is a heavy season, but I'm thinking of it in terms of my "streak". I'm proud of myself, it's the CBT and discipline, and yeah I've been bored off my nut at times, and I still have dark thoughts - usually at night - but things are calmer.

It's no comparison for me really. No bevvy, but I've lost half a stone, I am usually sleeping really well, and I'm flying at work And the lass, she has been great, just sees the change in me and keeps me going

And I go out with mates, I've ordered 0% German beer as an Xmas treat for meself. I can go to a pub and drink anything but alcohol and still have fun. So it's really like all the stuff I might have feared is just, like the depression thoughts, not reality.

I don't think knocking the ale on the head was a silver bullet, but it has made a big difference.

I care more about the six months milestone than I do about, like.. this is why I'm not drinking: Say I had one. And it was just a drink. And it wouldn't affect me, I wouldn't be merry off that. So why bother?

So I'm building a streak. August 5th - ?

I do have to vouch for CBT. I'm in control. And that's the thing that keeps it all going really - once you're doing well, you learn to trust yourself; I'm unhappy sometimes, who isn't? There's nothing wrong with being unhappy.

Unless another factor is in the way, you can often control your reaction to things. And out there, in the world, in your reality, that's what matters the most. I can't stop things occuring to me, though I can control what I do next.

Seeing me dad boxing day. It might still be tough. He probably won't remember me. But that's just par for the course with alzheimers. Really, it's just another duty. Stick it on the bill!

[Son of Spion]

Sounds like you're doing really well, Tone.

Well done. Keep up the good work.

All the best. 

[damomad]

Really brilliant to read you have turned it around ToneLa, and thanks for sharing.

Visited my nan who has Alzheimer’s recently. It gets harder each visit but I made it my mission just to try and cheer her up whatever way I could. Even if the jokes were something only a child would find funny if it got a reaction it was worth it.