Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 674894 times)

The Bournemouth Red · « **Reply #4240 on:** March 11, 2020, 05:21:25 pm »

I saw my doctor today, and showed him this nasty rash that had come up around and on my testicles.

"What do you think I should do, doctor?" I asked.

"Make an appointment to see me at the surgery, and pull your trousers up, we're in Tesco." he replied.

afc tukrish · « **Reply #4241 on:** March 11, 2020, 05:25:44 pm »

Quote from: The Bournemouth Red on March 11, 2020, 05:21:25 pm

I saw my doctor today, and showed him this nasty rash that had come up around and on my testicles.

"What do you think I should do, doctor?" I asked.

"Make an appointment to see me at the surgery, and pull your trousers up, we're in Tesco." he replied.

better than in testes...

or intestate...

planet-terror · « **Reply #4242 on:** March 11, 2020, 07:41:04 pm »

Chatting to a dolphin earlier.

Mad. We just clicked.

The Bournemouth Red · « **Reply #4243 on:** March 12, 2020, 06:27:32 pm »

Lidl management have released a statement today confirming that, due to the panic buying and scenes of pandemonium in stores, they will be taking drastic action and opening another till.

pazcom · « **Reply #4244 on:** March 13, 2020, 08:10:59 am »

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall

Damn

Brian Blessed · « **Reply #4245 on:** March 13, 2020, 05:51:13 pm »

I started a new job as a taxidermist, and to be honest I’m a little embarrassed.

When people ask what I do I say, “oh, you know...stuff.”

24/7 · « **Reply #4246 on:** March 13, 2020, 07:47:47 pm »

Quote from: Brian Blessed on March 13, 2020, 05:51:13 pm

I started a new job as a taxidermist, and to be honest I’m a little embarrassed.

When people ask what I do I say, “oh, you know...stuff.”

Hahahahahaha that's a belter!!!!!!!!!

bradders1011 · « **Reply #4247 on:** March 13, 2020, 10:09:55 pm »

Which Harry Potter character is most at risk from COVID-19?

Ron Wheezeley

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #4248 on:** March 13, 2020, 11:21:45 pm »

Quote from: bradders1011 on March 13, 2020, 10:09:55 pm

Which Harry Potter character is most at risk from COVID-19?

Ron Wheezeley

Medellin · « **Reply #4249 on:** March 14, 2020, 10:02:06 am »

So football got suspended..
For a change I started talking to my wife & found out she got made redundant from Woolworths.

John C · « **Reply #4250 on:** March 14, 2020, 03:16:53 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on February 12, 2020, 01:43:45 pm

When I first heard Julie Andrews singing.. Doh. Re .Mi...

I thought to myself she'll go Fa.

I know, I'm a month behind.

24/7 · « **Reply #4251 on:** March 14, 2020, 05:40:11 pm »

Quote from: John C on March 14, 2020, 03:16:53 pm

I know, I'm a month behind.

Blimey, John, I always knew you typed slowly but this.........?!

Redwhiteandnotblue · « **Reply #4252 on:** March 14, 2020, 10:51:44 pm »

Someone has stolen all the bog roll from Scotland Yard. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Redwhiteandnotblue · « **Reply #4253 on:** March 14, 2020, 10:52:31 pm »

Someone else has stolen all the road signs in Yorkshire. Police are looking for Leeds.

farawayred · « **Reply #4254 on:** March 15, 2020, 12:14:08 am »

Quote from: Redwhiteandnotblue on March 14, 2020, 10:51:44 pm

Someone has stolen all the bog roll from Scotland Yard. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Quote from: Redwhiteandnotblue on March 14, 2020, 10:52:31 pm

Someone else has stolen all the road signs in Yorkshire. Police are looking for Leeds.

It was you and I claim my £5. How else you would know it's someone else?

Son of Spion · « **Reply #4255 on:** March 15, 2020, 12:48:44 am »

The barbers by us got robbed last night.

Police are combing the area.

Son of Spion · « **Reply #4256 on:** March 15, 2020, 12:50:05 am »

A massive sink hole appeared on the main road this morning.

The authorities are looking into it.

M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing) · « **Reply #4257 on:** March 15, 2020, 07:00:33 am »

Anaesthetist: Count backwards from 100

Me: 100...99...98...

Me: ... 3...2...1 [looks around] Now what?

Anaesthetist: [muffled] you have to try to find me.

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #4258 on:** March 15, 2020, 10:38:19 am »

I was doing a quiz in a pub in Kirkby last week.

The first question was "What are you looking at?"

The Bournemouth Red · « **Reply #4259 on:** March 15, 2020, 11:36:14 am »

Quote from: Medellin on March 14, 2020, 10:02:06 am

So football got suspended..
For a change I started talking to my wife & found out she got made redundant from Woolworths.

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #4260 on:** March 15, 2020, 01:20:36 pm »

In case you missed it.

It's not a joke as such but as funny as the crap jokes in this thread

Quote from: CHOPPER on March 14, 2020, 01:20:31 pm

I guess you're new here.

We have experts here on DAWK in Pandemics, football science, tactics(various sports and business), medically trained in all avenues of care, intentional piss artists, artists, cheese makers, pilots, air crash investigators, crash test dummies, physicists, jungle funny fever experts, zoologists, astronauts, crime fighters, nuclear inspectors - to name but a few.

So be careful who you're fucking with.

M(oaning) B(ecomes) E(mbarrassing) · « **Reply #4261 on:** March 15, 2020, 04:35:05 pm »

Tesco's, good, occasionally busy later. Sainsbury's, moderate to good, sale on Corn Flakes. Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening. Marks and Spencers and Co-Op, fair. Waitrose. fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7. Lidl, rough at first, moderate later.
And that concludes the Shopping Forecast.

sinnermichael · « **Reply #4262 on:** March 15, 2020, 04:40:33 pm »

My girlfriend said she wants to see Ancient Greece.

So I opened the oven door.

Redwhiteandnotblue · « **Reply #4263 on:** March 15, 2020, 05:04:20 pm »

Quote from: MBE on March 15, 2020, 04:35:05 pm

Tesco's, good, occasionally busy later. Sainsbury's, moderate to good, sale on Corn Flakes. Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening. Marks and Spencers and Co-Op, fair. Waitrose. fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7. Lidl, rough at first, moderate later.
And that concludes the Shopping Forecast.

Low Thames 1000s losing identity by 0600 Monday
There are warnings of Sales expected at 1500 UTC in all regions. Prices, falling slowly. Good.
COVID-19 increasing rapidly. Symptoms rough or very rough. Stocks, falling rapidly. Pressure, increasing slowly. Crowds. Poor. Irish Sea closing quickly. German bight closed. Forties. Surviving. Eighties. Not. Faroes, Northerly. Calm. Vikings. Returning imminently. Fair Isle. Blighted. Apocalypse Now.

Good.

24/7 · « **Reply #4264 on:** March 15, 2020, 05:24:07 pm »

Quote from: MBE on March 15, 2020, 04:35:05 pm

Tesco's, good, occasionally busy later. Sainsbury's, moderate to good, sale on Corn Flakes. Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening. Marks and Spencers and Co-Op, fair. Waitrose. fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7. Lidl, rough at first, moderate later.
And that concludes the Shopping Forecast.

Well played

afc tukrish · « **Reply #4265 on:** March 15, 2020, 06:11:32 pm »

Quote from: MBE on March 15, 2020, 04:35:05 pm

Tesco's, good, occasionally busy later. Sainsbury's, moderate to good, sale on Corn Flakes. Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening. Marks and Spencers and Co-Op, fair. Waitrose. fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7. Lidl, rough at first, moderate later.
And that concludes the Shopping Forecast.

No assessment of Greggs due to doorway over-crowding?

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #4266 on:** March 15, 2020, 11:14:54 pm »

Saw a lad in Tesco's today with a trolley over the brim with baby wipes, nappies, toilet roles, hand sanitiser and other stuff.

I gave him down the banks and called him a shithouse as elderly, vunerable people need this and told him he should be fucking ashamed

He said "Well that's fair enough mate, do you mind if I carry on restocking these shelves now?"

soxfan · « **Reply #4267 on:** March 15, 2020, 11:22:28 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on March 15, 2020, 04:40:33 pm

My girlfriend said she wants to see Ancient Greece.

So I opened the oven door.

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #4268 on:** March 16, 2020, 07:49:03 pm »

Quote from: Medellin on March 16, 2020, 07:47:55 pm

Went in to Morrisons today. Saw a fella who’s trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!
I called him a selfish c*nt, gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things. Told him he should be fucking ashamed of himself!
He said: “that’s all good and well mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?”

Mad that, Andy had a similar experience in Tesco. What are the chances?!

Medellin · « **Reply #4269 on:** March 16, 2020, 07:59:27 pm »

Quote from: BIG DICK NICK on March 16, 2020, 07:49:03 pm

Mad that, Andy had a similar experience in Tesco. What are the chances?!

What?

afc tukrish · « **Reply #4270 on:** March 16, 2020, 08:12:15 pm »

Quote from: Medellin on March 16, 2020, 07:59:27 pm

What?

What's on second, who's on first...

LanceLink!!!!! · « **Reply #4271 on:** March 16, 2020, 10:00:23 pm »

24/7 · « **Reply #4272 on:** March 16, 2020, 10:41:46 pm »

Apple have said that their profits are down..........

.......but their turnover is still good

The Bournemouth Red · « **Reply #4273 on:** March 17, 2020, 05:41:29 am »

Coming in August, the COVID-19+ and the COVID-19Pro.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #4274 on:** March 17, 2020, 06:02:05 am »

Quote from: afc turkish on March 16, 2020, 08:12:15 pm

What's on second, who's on first...

I don't know

Sir Capon of Debaser · « **Reply #4275 on:** March 17, 2020, 08:52:17 am »

Went to what I thought was a christening but halfway through the vicar tipped a load of shit tasting lager over the poor baby.

Turns out he was being fostered.

bradders1011 · « **Reply #4276 on:** March 17, 2020, 09:53:50 am »

How do you make a duck sing the blues?

Put it in a microwave until its bill withers.

24/7 · « **Reply #4277 on:** March 17, 2020, 10:48:01 am »

In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese. That's the Wurst Käse scenario though...

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #4278 on:** March 17, 2020, 10:58:29 am »

Quote from: 24/50 geek! on March 17, 2020, 10:48:01 am

In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese. That's the Wurst Käse scenario though...

Hahahaha, very good

sinnermichael · « **Reply #4279 on:** March 17, 2020, 04:44:56 pm »

Our local burger van has just been awarded 4 Michelin tyres.