Topic: Struggling with depression

[Chakan]

It's been hard - and it's sad that it's had to take a massive row with my best friend to get me to this point - and that in itself makes me depressed. Can't win!

But look at the silver lining in this, it's taken you to a point where you are going to get help with it. Let your best friend know you are going to get help , start the healing process. Also let him/her know they were instrumental in seeing you needed the help and dealing with it. It's a process mate, there is no quick fix. You've taken a huge step, don't forget that. You've taken it.

[Enemy]

But look at the silver lining in this, it's taken you to a point where you are going to get help with it. Let your best friend know you are going to get help , start the healing process. Also let him/her know they were instrumental in seeing you needed the help and dealing with it. It's a process mate, there is no quick fix. You've taken a huge step, don't forget that. You've taken it.

Added to which if he truly is a good friend to you you can talk about what goes on in your therapy and any kind of things you need to be doing so he can encourage and keep track of your progress e.g. if your counsellor says you should go out more or talk about your feelings or change certain ways of thinking then your friend can help you with all of those. Best of luck with the therapy though - I know it can be a great thing if you're open to accepting it as fully as you can.

[Commie Bobbie]

Added to which if he truly is a good friend to you you can talk about what goes on in your therapy and any kind of things you need to be doing so he can encourage and keep track of your progress e.g. if your counsellor says you should go out more or talk about your feelings or change certain ways of thinking then your friend can help you with all of those. Best of luck with the therapy though - I know it can be a great thing if you're open to accepting it as fully as you can.

It's a she!!! Most of my besties are women, I think it's hard for them to even comprehend everything that has happened, I told the first of my friends in bite size amounts just so they could get it.  But the last few weeks, I've decided fuck this, and just say everything - to those who need to know (I can count them on my fingers) and say it in one hit.  It's been hard and extremely painful - I'm trying not to push my friends away, but its fucking hard.

[Enemy]

It's a she!!! Most of my besties are women, I think it's hard for them to even comprehend everything that has happened, I told the first of my friends in bite size amounts just so they could get it.  But the last few weeks, I've decided fuck this, and just say everything - to those who need to know (I can count them on my fingers) and say it in one hit.  It's been hard and extremely painful - I'm trying not to push my friends away, but its fucking hard.

Sorry mate! I just always type in the masculine tense on the interwebs, means it's the right one most the time haha.

Have you told them that you feel like you're pushing them away? In what way are you pushing them to the side? Is it something verbal where you can take a deep breath or is it more avoiding them and not being in contact?

[Commie Bobbie]

Sorry mate! I just always type in the masculine tense on the interwebs, means it's the right one most the time haha.

Have you told them that you feel like you're pushing them away? In what way are you pushing them to the side? Is it something verbal where you can take a deep breath or is it more avoiding them and not being in contact?

It's getting that anxious feeling in your stomach and thinking that they are going to screw you over, when that is the last thing in their mind, however by then the damage is done, and so I feel a sense of shame that I thought that about them, in the same way as I know my father left me standing all those years back - she's markedly avoiding me, not talking to me, basically ripped me away from her life and it hurts that my default way of thinking has caused that.

[rotistgeil]

- she's markedly avoiding me, not talking to me, basically ripped me away from her life and it hurts that my default way of thinking has caused that.

She is probably working this out from her side too. If this was strong friendship, she should be approachable again. Talk to her and explain it. Sure, it will not be easy but a good and strong friendship can survive this. Worth a try I would say.

[Commie Bobbie]

I think I'm going to give it another week or so to be honest - think I need to think of number one for the time being.  Think I do need my friends to be coming to me because I just dont have the strength to go them!

[gerrardspetal]

1 in 4 suffer some form of mental illness!

I wasn't shocked by that statistic when it showed on comic relief last night.

FINALLY after all these years on and off being given anti depressants, countless councilling I will be hopefully receive  the right help for me soon.

[Lucas21]

I think I'm going to give it another week or so to be honest - think I need to think of number one for the time being.  Think I do need my friends to be coming to me because I just dont have the strength to go them!

In the meantime the good people on this thread are very helpful.  So relieving to get advice. It's good to get things off your chest. I wish you all the best mate.

[gerrardspetal]

Bob, that is truly awful and harrowing. I can't even imagine the pain/anguish/guilt etc you must have felt. I hope you find peace....

I echo that too.

[Commie Bobbie]

I echo that too.

Thanks to you all for those kind words - saw a friend of mine today - not the one that I mentioned above - there's a group of besties who know and they've said that they are mentally drained with giving me advise and me not taking it for fear of the consequences for my family - it's hard to explain such a thought-process - but it was great for them to say what they are all thinking - she said that they are all so worried for me, and I said that they can't understand what I'm thinking however all I want from them, is a smile, a cuddle, reassurance that it'll all be OK.

[jason42]

Thanks to you all for those kind words - saw a friend of mine today - not the one that I mentioned above - there's a group of besties who know and they've said that they are mentally drained with giving me advise and me not taking it for fear of the consequences for my family - it's hard to explain such a thought-process - but it was great for them to say what they are all thinking - she said that they are all so worried for me, and I said that they can't understand what I'm thinking however all I want from them, is a smile, a cuddle, reassurance that it'll all be OK.

We will always be here for you Bob - you might have settle for a virtual cuddle but know that we are thinking of you and we hope and pray that you get yourself sorted and that things work out with your friend. If you can speak to her, tell her how she means to you and that you value her friendship extremely highly. If she is a true friend she will be there for you in ways your internet friends never can be.
You have to be the person you want to be in spite of your problems and not because of them. We all have crosses to bear but yours is a particularly heavy one but you can carry the burden - you will need support and you will always get that here...YNWA

[Shamrock3131]

had a hard time a few years back , even to the point of attempted suicide , the best advice i can give you mate is TALK , talking about all the shit made things clearer and easier to deal with , and keep supporting LFC , just remember Y.N.W.A  hope this helps mate .

[Commie Bobbie]

Much appreciate the thoughts as I said previously - gonna do another write up on my blog laters with some thoughts that have been going through my mind, see how that all comes out.

Thanks.

[♠Dirty Harry♠]

Really fucking bad the last two days, keep getting flashes of a gun to my throat in my head. Not sure what's brought it on, taking pills at the minute too which i thought would bring some normality.

Melancholy too often lately

[Matt8Pie]

I felt like posting something in here to get all my frustrations out. But reading some of the posts you guys have made, there's no point because it'd make me seem completely selfish and my problems minuscule to the stuff some of you are facing. Keep battling.

[macca888]

I felt like posting something in here to get all my frustrations out. But reading some of the posts you guys have made, there's no point because it'd make me seem completely selfish and my problems minuscule to the stuff some of you are facing. Keep battling.

Mate, don't let other people's problems put you off airing your own. Whether they seem miniscule to others is not the important part; it's how important they are to you, and they're obviously important enough for you to leave you frustrated. I understand that it might seem selfish to you, but that's just another way of saying that your problems are personal to you, isn't it?

[Chakan]

I felt like posting something in here to get all my frustrations out. But reading some of the posts you guys have made, there's no point because it'd make me seem completely selfish and my problems minuscule to the stuff some of you are facing. Keep battling.

Nah mate, trust me nothing is trivial.

[jason42]

I felt like posting something in here to get all my frustrations out. But reading some of the posts you guys have made, there's no point because it'd make me seem completely selfish and my problems minuscule to the stuff some of you are facing. Keep battling.

Everyone has problems. To you, yours are important enough to make you want to post about them. Nobody in here will trivialise your problems and nobody will call you selfish. If your problems are depressing you, then this is the place to post them and maybe someone will be able to help you or offer some advice.

[And Could He Play]

Mate, don't let other people's problems put you off airing your own. Whether they seem miniscule to others is not the important part; it's how important they are to you, and they're obviously important enough for you to leave you frustrated. I understand that it might seem selfish to you, but that's just another way of saying that your problems are personal to you, isn't it?

This

[evenflow]

1 in 4 suffer some form of mental illness!

I wasn't shocked by that statistic when it showed on comic relief last night.

FINALLY after all these years on and off being given anti depressants, countless councilling I will be hopefully receive  the right help for me soon.

That statistic doesn't surprise me at all.  It's also shocking to see the inadequacy of mental health care in this country.  Possibly always the easiest to make cuts to as well.
Reading the posts here, wish you all the best.  I went through the cycle of anti depressants a few years back and hated them.  I eventually found CBT and it worked.

[gerrardspetal]

That statistic doesn't surprise me at all.  It's also shocking to see the inadequacy of mental health care in this country.  Possibly always the easiest to make cuts to as well.
Reading the posts here, wish you all the best.  I went through the cycle of anti depressants a few years back and hated them.  I eventually found CBT and it worked.

I've been taking them for years on and off (since my teens), always take myself off them then get told off by the doctor!! They are always so willy nilly handing them out I feel. I do know they help but I'm not really getting to the root of my problems ( or sorting them out rather as I know basically what my problem/problems are but just don't know how to deal with them.) Only recently I went to CAHMS with my daughter as we were referred there as our relationship is somewhat strained. I'm worried that the way I feel rubs off on her. She was referred there really but  after us  having a chat with them they have now referred me to an adult mental health team. I have an appointment 7th April. I pray they can help me some way as I don't want to be on pills the rest of my days.  Also I'm hoping they can help with my anxiety. Never really noticed anxiety before but when I have been for my driving tests I always fail due to me being so anxious and nervous. I am my own worst enemy as I'm so capable.  I haven't been in a car since my theory ran out


To the poster above who said his problems are trivial to some in here... people handle things differently. What doesn't seem like a big deal to some are MASSIVE to others. (I'm one of them people - a born worrier) Don't keep things to yourself. If you feel it will help posting, post away no one will judge.

[Sir Harvest Fields]

That statistic doesn't surprise me at all.  It's also shocking to see the inadequacy of mental health care in this country. 

From first hand experience i can say its nothing short of disgraceful. Just shove them in the corner and leave them or better still, just forget about them and hope they go away  seems to be more of the attitude with regards to mental health care. Thats only from my own experiences.


Matt8pie, say what you need to say mate, the lads here are as sound as fuck and no-one will think your problems are trivial or just a whinge.

[Trada]

I brought a hand axe and some tree poison today.

The Axe handle is made out of real Hickory it says so in big writing on the handle.

I'm going to go totally Clint Eastwood on that fucking Elderberry tree later today.

It's been depressing me for 3 fucking years,  later today the WAR will end and it will not be pretty for that tree.

By the way the above statement is totally true.
 

[Red_Isle_Chap]

Been struggling for a while over the last few months, despite having the best time of my life in November in getting married. I detailed the problem out in this thread http://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=213263.120 in feb.

Feel very much alone at the moment. With the current cash climate, the earthquake in christchurch and the housing market, it's going to take us a fucking eternity to shift both the house and shop and it's really getting me down. I hate this fucking place, i really do. I've got nothing to do here, no one (bar the wife) to talk to, and nothing in common with anyone here, and it's really starting to fuck me in my head if i'm honest.

I've got bad insomnia now to the point where i'm only getting a couple of hours a night, no matter what i've been up to before bed. Sex/booze/weed/walking/bike ride/reading, doesn't matter what i do, can't sleep, which makes my moods worse. I'm trying desperately not to be snappy or a twat around the missus, as she's suffering here as well, but she has made a few friends who she sees from time to time.

I fear that i'm developing Agoraphobia, i don't want to go out, i don't want to be around the people here, i don't want to have to pretend to be interested in them talking about things that are actually making me really fucking angry inside, so i avoid it utterly. Fucks the missus off, every time she suggests going out, i shoot down the suggestion in one way or another.

All my creativity, my spark has gone and i'm dreading having to go through another few years of this place and what it's doing to me, and what it might end up doing to my marriage, because no one wants to live with a misery like i've become of late.

All we want is to just go home

[Matt8Pie]

Thanks for the support guys. I'm now heading off to work and will think of some way to articulate my thoughts later on when I get back.

[Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov]

Been struggling for a while over the last few months, despite having the best time of my life in November in getting married. I detailed the problem out in this thread http://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=213263.120 in feb.

Feel very much alone at the moment. With the current cash climate, the earthquake in christchurch and the housing market, it's going to take us a fucking eternity to shift both the house and shop and it's really getting me down. I hate this fucking place, i really do. I've got nothing to do here, no one (bar the wife) to talk to, and nothing in common with anyone here, and it's really starting to fuck me in my head if i'm honest.

I've got bad insomnia now to the point where i'm only getting a couple of hours a night, no matter what i've been up to before bed. Sex/booze/weed/walking/bike ride/reading, doesn't matter what i do, can't sleep, which makes my moods worse. I'm trying desperately not to be snappy or a twat around the missus, as she's suffering here as well, but she has made a few friends who she sees from time to time.

I fear that i'm developing Agoraphobia, i don't want to go out, i don't want to be around the people here, i don't want to have to pretend to be interested in them talking about things that are actually making me really fucking angry inside, so i avoid it utterly. Fucks the missus off, every time she suggests going out, i shoot down the suggestion in one way or another.

All my creativity, my spark has gone and i'm dreading having to go through another few years of this place and what it's doing to me, and what it might end up doing to my marriage, because no one wants to live with a misery like i've become of late.

All we want is to just go home

Doesn't sound too good mate! PM on its way...

[jason42]

Been struggling for a while over the last few months, despite having the best time of my life in November in getting married. I detailed the problem out in this thread http://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=213263.120 in feb.

Feel very much alone at the moment. With the current cash climate, the earthquake in christchurch and the housing market, it's going to take us a fucking eternity to shift both the house and shop and it's really getting me down. I hate this fucking place, i really do. I've got nothing to do here, no one (bar the wife) to talk to, and nothing in common with anyone here, and it's really starting to fuck me in my head if i'm honest.

I've got bad insomnia now to the point where i'm only getting a couple of hours a night, no matter what i've been up to before bed. Sex/booze/weed/walking/bike ride/reading, doesn't matter what i do, can't sleep, which makes my moods worse. I'm trying desperately not to be snappy or a twat around the missus, as she's suffering here as well, but she has made a few friends who she sees from time to time.

I fear that i'm developing Agoraphobia, i don't want to go out, i don't want to be around the people here, i don't want to have to pretend to be interested in them talking about things that are actually making me really fucking angry inside, so i avoid it utterly. Fucks the missus off, every time she suggests going out, i shoot down the suggestion in one way or another.

All my creativity, my spark has gone and i'm dreading having to go through another few years of this place and what it's doing to me, and what it might end up doing to my marriage, because no one wants to live with a misery like i've become of late.

All we want is to just go home

What about rugby mate? I would have thought (probably a common misconception) that every Kiwi is a rugby nut so you would at least have that in common?
Can you not stick it out for 1 more year until you get Kiwi citizenship and then think about a move to Oz or is that not an option?
You have to stay honest and open with your missus but I get the feeling she is of similar mind to you so its not as though you are dragging her back home just because you want to leave. As long as you can talk to each other about it you should be ok but you have to find another outlet for your frustrations mate instead of taking things out on her....

[Sat1]

Bear with me, regarding this - this has been a problem for me for years, let me explain.

I have been rather coy to people in the past when they ask about certain subjects – sexuality, personal relationships – or in my case, the lack of one – and people have always asked why I have been so quiet in regards of this.  I came out as bisexual some months ago – much to the relief of myself, and to a lack of surprise to friends and family.

However, there is a dark secret which until now, I have been very reluctant to speak publically about because of the stigma and the shame that I have that I have allowed it to eat inside me for so long – so long after it happened, and yet it still has such a massive influence on my life and the way that I treat and perceive people on a day to day basis.

Recently, it has cost me the friendship of one of the most wonderful, trusting and reliable people I have ever had the privilege to be part of their life – purely because of the anxiety and worry that I had in my head that they were going to take me for a ride, like so many people have done in the past.  It is this, as well as many other examples where I have snapped at other friends in similar circumstances.  Such nonsense has to stop – however as a result of this, I feel that my truth has to come out – so people can try and understand why it is I am the way I am.

Not their fault, if anyone’s fault – it’s mine for not fully recovering psychologically from the mental scars that it has given me. Although I have written to friends about this in the past, it is the first time that I have ever really spoken about what exactly happened to me in such graphic detail.  I have been told that I have to stop playing the victim, this is the first step in doing that, so whoever it was who said that, thanks.

Unfortunately for me, I was abused from the age of 10 to the age of 13, by one of my father’s best friends.  The abuse involved was sexual in nature and did involve intercourse on a regular basis for those three years. I remember the first time, up above the Port of Dover near the Langdon Cliffs – the way that he hoisted me through the sunroof – gave me his binoculars to look at the ships in the dark, whilst he sucked me off.  There was many examples, I remember him driving over to our house unannounced with his then wife, picked myself and my sister up – we went to Dreamland, and then whilst my sister and her wife went off, we went on the Shooting Star, which was back then a loop-the-loop ride (very rare back then), the Dodgems and the like, and then we went into a cubicle, he bent me over and fucked me up the bum for the best part of what seemed like hours but was probably no longer than 20 minutes.

Most degrading of all, at my mum and Dad’s 20th anniversary party back in 1995, when I was in the living room of my own house during the summer holidays away from boarding school, he closed the living room door, sat next to me, and groped me and jerked me off.  In my own home.  And people ask why I am so desperate to leave home. You have that reason now.

The worse part of it all, for me was that at first my parents didn’t believe me – though they did stop him from seeing myself or my sister, which made me think that they knew something was awry – or that perhaps he had previous. At least they stopped him from doing anything else.

The only reason why it went to court, is that I was confided by a friend at school a few years later that he himself was raped by a fellow pupil in the showers – I saw that perpetrator get punished (of sorts) – as well as ridicule from everyone else – one Monday night, I was in the shower room, in tears – when my housemaster saw me and asked what was wrong.  That was when I told him everything.  Over the next few weeks in the build-up to Christmas 1996, I went to the Police in Newport on the Isle of Wight (I was at school, in nearby Ventnor) and they put me into a room, with cameras which I couldn’t see – but they could.  My headmaster accompanied me to the centre to the North of the town, and we spent the best part of four hours there.  Torture doesn’t even describe it.

Anyway, later that day – because they needed to get some form of evidence to show some form of intercourse – the police got an doctor to examine me and to this day – I can remember the jelly impinging into my anus and the doctor opening it up and looking at it with a light – all he could say was that there was some irregularities regarding my anus.

So something had happened, someone would pay surely?

Hmmm. Nope.

The bastard originally got a lawyer who basically thought that the case was open and shut – the bastard was charged on a count of rape and a count of buggery – the court case was suppose to start on the Tuesday – I was suppose to be going and testifying to the court that Tuesday, but because of the fucking around by the defense team, I didn’t testify till the Wednesday – I was a bag of nerves and cracked up constantly during cross-examination by his lawyer – he well and truly got me properly.

He got let off by the jury on the Friday after 40 minutes of deliberations. 40 fucking minutes.

And that was suppose to have been it.

The following Sunday, Princess Diana died in that car crash in Paris – and I will always remember Dad’s first comments on reaction of the news.

“that puts everything we’ve been through into context, doesn’t it,”  Lovely thought that, Dad.  Thanks for cheering me. Wanker.

Within 18 months, Dad had moved out, apparently for financial reasons, but I know the real reasons why, he couldn’t look at me and say that he was there for me, when I needed him the most – he shafted me over royally, when I needed him the fucking most.  The one time, in my life I needed my fucking father there and HE WAS NOT THERE FOR ME.  The Wednesday that I gave my evidence, we got a lift home from the Detective Constable who was leading the case on behalf of the police.  Dad didn’t come home with us, nope.  He went straight to the Rugby Club for Bridge (a retro form of card game, for sadistic headfucks, just like my father).  Nice to get your priorities in order. c*nt.

Now, I haven’t just written the above because I needed to get rid of some steam inside me, but because something good has to come out of my pain.  I need to try and be a force for good – if this blog does any good, if it gets people talking, if it gets people to try and be educated a bit more then all the good, let me throw this thought into the mix. 

Rape victims may experience many emotions such as denial, grief, anger, depression, fear, loneliness and guilt.  I go through most of those feelings on almost a daily basis, it is like a vicious circle of hell.  20% of rape victims become suicidal.  I became suicidal in the build-up to the court case – and on and off for the following five or six years after the court case – two instances I attempted to take my own life, once by hanging myself, from my bedroom door, and secondly and probably the closest – when I was down East Cliff and was near the edge of the cliff, when my sister caught me.  I haven’t been anywhere near that point since then – however, whenever I have had a row with my family regarding my depression and anxiety or with a friend because I think that they are screwing me over, when in fact they are not – that is when I head into shutdown – and it is quite literally a shutdown of the brain, almost auto-pilot.  I always avoid situations when I could bump into the person, not because I don’t want to see them (as much as they don’t want to hear from me) but just in pure shame that I have treated them so badly – so everything is planned ahead so I don’t need to risk seeing anyone.

Yep, even now after all these years – that bastard still has an effect on me.  The effects of child sexual abuse include depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, propensity to further victimization in adulthood, and physical injury to the child, among other problems.  I was bullied a lot during my childhood due to my speech and language problems, which was why I went to boarding school for so long – and still to this day the bullying from some people near where I live continues to happen.

Although I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, I have constantly suffered from the symptoms of PTSD ever since the court case – the constant flashbacks and nightmares, the frustration of years wasted of my life and the anger directed at my family and friends which in itself angers me and makes me angry at myself for getting myself into the position that I am in.

I am going to a specialist counsellor down in New Romney on Tuesday who deals with such people who have dealt with such abuse – that should interesting.  Hopefully, I’ll get something out of it.

Sorry to hear this mate, I wish you the best for the future. At the same time I feel so angry this c*nt got away. Feel like asking for his details and taking the law into my own hands.

[Commie Bobbie]

I went to the counsellor down in New Romney about 10 miles from my home in Folkestone this afternoon - so have had to fuck my half days around at work - I would rather be doing some other thing than reliving my torturous life - but hey ho - it needs to be done.

It was supposed to be an assessment by a supervisorial counsellor who designates counsellors who deal with cases individually.

The first question he asks:

1) Why do you think that coming to counselling can help you?

Where the fuck do we start - I thought to myself, and for the first 20 seconds or so, I was a bag of nerves - still have that sick feeling in my stomach all the time from the anxiety attacks that I suffer - I explained everything - well tried to before breaking down in tears - and the thing that I stressed to him, is the anger and frustration that I show to other people, friends and family who just do not understand - its frustrating beyond belief.

I had one of my so-called friends yesterday who e-mailed me (not the one that I've properly fallen out with regarding the past, but someone else) who said that because I hadn't taken any of their advise in the past regarding moving out, or doing anything to get myself out of this rut that she felt that she couldn't be there for me right now. Beautiful.

Seriously, it is times like that which make me so angry about our society.

GRRRRRRRRR.

Sorry to hear this mate, I wish you the best for the future. At the same time I feel so angry this c*nt got away. Feel like asking for his details and taking the law into my own hands.

Appreciated.

I saw my rapist about two weeks ago in the toilets in town in Folkestone, I looked into his eyes and saw the same fear in him, that he gave me all those years - and you know what for a second - I almost lost all control - am seriously considering going to the police and seeing if they can give me any advice regarding the bastard.

Got a appointment with the doctor in the morning - see whether or not the meds are working - I fear they are not - but I can't go off them - the last time I did, I had that anxiety attack and kicked off with my ex-bestie.

[Matt8Pie]

Someone said something to me the other day which pretty much hit the nail on the head for me - "the price of ambition is sanity".

I went to university when I was 18 and quit after 6 months because something inside me said it wasn't the route for me. I joined a company when I left which is called Cobra where they basically promise you that following a program, you can end up owning your own marketing business. It was door to door sales with no basic salary and I got suckered into it for 9 months. I did pretty well and realised again, that this wasn't the route for me in life. 2 months after, I got offered a job working for a financial brokerage in Dubai so I moved out there and lived their for 7/8 months. Again, I didn't enjoy it and something told me that it wasn't the place for me. I left in January 2010.

I'm quite an ambitious person and I hate standing still in life. I'm also a perfectionist with absolutely everything and "suffer" mildly from OCD. Being a perfectionist makes me want to be perfect in the way I look, act, how people perceive and how I approach my job. And we all know nobody is going to be perfect. I was unemployed in 2010 for 8 months because I just couldn't find anything so moved to London for a job where I've been working since September. While I was unemployed, I had an epiphany and realised what I wanna do with my life and am now chasing that. I know this is the right choice because it feels a lot different to before.

Anyway, I guess I've been most frustrated with life since the time I came back from Dubai. It stretches longer than that though. In chasing all these ambitions and not living a "normal" student life like most of the people my age so a lot of my friends have dropped off the map which, in the grand scheme of things, I don't mind because they have cleared any distractions for me.

I don't know where this is leading so I'll cut to the chase. I don't drink alcohol so I don't go out clubbing or anything. If I go to the pub after work with some people on a Friday, it's only for a few hours until they all get drunk and I can't stand it anymore. As I said, I moved to London in September and most of my time outside of work has been slowly moulding my craft to chase my ambitions (which are going to kick off in the next couple of months). I don't want to say what it entails, I believe I'll be successful in it, but I want it to remain low key for now. I will say though that it partly involves writing.

Anyway, for the first month or two of being in London, I would race home, do some writing, go to bed, wake up, go to work and repeat. This helps me keep focused on what I want to achieve and it distracts me from any negative emotions I have. All this kind of drained away since around December time.

Now, I'm going to work looking forward to getting away from that place, only to come home and sit around doing nothing looking forward to going to work to get out of the apartment. My problem is more frustration than depression as I know I've had to be patient and continue to be patient for a little while longer.

It may not sound as much but from where I am, I look around me at people I know or in public and feel like an outsider. I feel like if I go on to facebook and see all my former school mates and their friend groups and indeed my own friends who I barely know now, I'm standing on the outside looking into a room with a party going on inside that I can't be part of. I despise where I work because it's a sales job and I'm not a salesperson. I'm good at sales, but it doesn't fit into my personality at all and I constantly seethe at the people around me and if I have a bad day, like today, then I analyse everything much, much more than I should.

For example, I was sitting at work in a bit of a mood looking forward to going home. Then I realised I would go home, eat, go on the internet for a couple of hours and then come back to work the next day and everything would carry on. I was sitting on the train back tonight questioning my own existence and asking myself what the point is in going on. I'm not suicidal and wouldn't ever contemplate it, but sometimes I wish I could just disappear. I hold on to a beacon of light in my ambition and know that I'll be successful in what I'm pursuing and of that, I have no doubt, but sometimes like today when I'm drained physically and emotionally, I don't understand what the point is. I lose that hope and ambition and don't get why I do what I do. My weekends are mostly spent at home watching the football or films with my mate, or surfing the internet or whatever. Until I'm working on what I need to be then I'm going to continue being this way. I fucking hate it. I pride myself in being a strong person mentally but this is really fucking my head up. I don't have the motivation to write. I push myself into doing some but it comes out all shit because I can't concentrate and am not "in the zone" enough to be bothered so I stop.

I know that there are probably some simple solutions to this like going out and meeting new people, trying to reacquaint myself with others, get involved with people from work and all that. I've tried it and didn't like it. Not because I'm a hermit or anything, I'm actually a pretty outgoing person, but because I see no point in doing it. It won't add value to my life and won't help my career. I've had offers from girls to go out and stuff, I've tried getting close to someone but I'm just too up and down for anything to work. My life actually depends on fulfilling what I want to fulfil because there's nothing else for me other than that. I can't picture myself in any other scenario and each day I'm not working towards fulfilling it, it eats away at me and I get more and more pissed off and frustrated about the situation I'm in.

I know it's only a couple of months until I'm on track. Right now, I'm in a massive rut. I can't make any close friends because they don't think on the same level I do. I don't mean that to sound arrogant but I have an assurance with myself with what I'm going to achieve that people don't understand. I'm quite flippant in small matters in life that I can push aside with ease that are a big deal to others than I can't get myself involved in because it hurts other people.

I haven't reread this to see if it makes sense and I'm not going to. I just let things flow out of my head and I feel like writing a lot more than this because it barely feels like I've scratched the surface (to coin a cliche). There are some things written in this thread which seem like a massive deal in life which I can't comprehend ever going through and respect the strength of some of you. I was hesitant to write this as you can tell from my earlier post because I didn't want to come across as some whiny, arrogant, spoiled kid or something when others are going through a lot more than me. That's as much as I can think of right now in a nutshell.

[Red_Isle_Chap]

Doesn't sound too good mate! PM on its way...

Cheers Tom mate, will reply in a mo!

What about rugby mate? I would have thought (probably a common misconception) that every Kiwi is a rugby nut so you would at least have that in common?
Can you not stick it out for 1 more year until you get Kiwi citizenship and then think about a move to Oz or is that not an option?
You have to stay honest and open with your missus but I get the feeling she is of similar mind to you so its not as though you are dragging her back home just because you want to leave. As long as you can talk to each other about it you should be ok but you have to find another outlet for your frustrations mate instead of taking things out on her....

I'd love rugby to be something in common with people here mate, i really would, but to be honest none of them really give a fuck, at least not the ones that are anywhere near to my age. I went out for a couple of the tri nations matches last year, but there wasnt' many people out and the ones that were wanted to watch the match quietly and then went home. Chatted to a couple of the old lads, but when I say old ones was 50's, one was 60's i think and while it was nice to chat about the games that's where the talking ended.

As for the residency, it's not an option really. For us to get permanent residency we'd need to have the shop for at the very least another 2 years here as we're on a long term business visa, it was our way into the country. It's all a massive fucking mess really. It was something that she wanted, to get out here, she was determined and to be honest as corny as it sounds i'd do anything for the missus and was willing to cut and run to follow her and keep her. It's taken the last year or so for me to stop being able to hide how miserable i am here and for her own loneliness to come through for us all to realise what is important in life. This isn't something that can be changed by moving to a new place in nz, oz or anywhere other than where our real friends and family are. The truth in the saying that you don't know what you've got till it's gone really does ring true to me.

Unfortunately, like i put in the emigrating thread, a lot of my posts that i had made earlier in that thread were really me trying to convince myself that things were all fine. But their not. Thankfully the missus really is a good bird. I've talked to her a lot, so that i'm not bottling things up inside (something that i used to do a lot) any more. She wants to move now as much as I do. It's just going to take time, unfortunately as we can't just up and leave, we need the cash from selling up and can't take lesser offers just to get out (although if it goes on too long, we probably will if i'm honest.)

But i'm just needing to vent. Despite being miserable at the moment and things seeming all gloomy, i'm not going through anything that's even remotely close to what some of you others are and even typing this out makes me realise it. Reading this thread helps a lot to be honest, even if some of the advice given to others isn't relevant to me, it still sinks in. I just hope that the rest of you can find ways to help you in your lives.

[Chakan]

@Matt8pie Good news and Bad news.

Bad news is that you are in a rut and the only person who can get you out of it yourself (unless you have a very close friend who sees you are in a rut, and tries to get out of it) Moving somewhere new is always challenging, maybe try taking up a new hobby? Or exploring some of the places around london. Museums and whatnot?

Now the good news, you have decided what you want to do at 22. That's a huge step. trust me there are countless people much older than yourself who are still searching for what they really want to do. Take heart with that. Also you understand that now you are working towards to it. Keep at it! Just remember everyday you complete at your dreary job is one day closer to getting to do what you really want. Some days will be harder than others some days will be a breeze, but everyday you will get closer and closer to your goal.

Do you know a lot of people in London? Also the key of getting out of a rut is breaking the monotony, what you do in order to do this, only you an answer that, maybe just ring up a mate or go out and grab a cup of coffee somewhere. Or just get on the tube and go out. Sitting at home stewing is not the way forward (trust me I do this most weekends, do as I say not as I do )

Maybe open the paper and look what's happening in town, London always has something on, a new show opening and new gallery opening, or just someone doing something.

Anyway mate glad you got it out, no problems are ever trivial or marginalized.

[jason42]

I went to the counsellor down in New Romney about 10 miles from my home in Folkestone this afternoon - so have had to fuck my half days around at work - I would rather be doing some other thing than reliving my torturous life - but hey ho - it needs to be done.

It was supposed to be an assessment by a supervisorial counsellor who designates counsellors who deal with cases individually.

The first question he asks:

1) Why do you think that coming to counselling can help you?

Where the fuck do we start - I thought to myself, and for the first 20 seconds or so, I was a bag of nerves - still have that sick feeling in my stomach all the time from the anxiety attacks that I suffer - I explained everything - well tried to before breaking down in tears - and the thing that I stressed to him, is the anger and frustration that I show to other people, friends and family who just do not understand - its frustrating beyond belief.

I had one of my so-called friends yesterday who e-mailed me (not the one that I've properly fallen out with regarding the past, but someone else) who said that because I hadn't taken any of their advise in the past regarding moving out, or doing anything to get myself out of this rut that she felt that she couldn't be there for me right now. Beautiful.

Seriously, it is times like that which make me so angry about our society.

GRRRRRRRRR.

Appreciated.

I saw my rapist about two weeks ago in the toilets in town in Folkestone, I looked into his eyes and saw the same fear in him, that he gave me all those years - and you know what for a second - I almost lost all control - am seriously considering going to the police and seeing if they can give me any advice regarding the bastard.

Got a appointment with the doctor in the morning - see whether or not the meds are working - I fear they are not - but I can't go off them - the last time I did, I had that anxiety attack and kicked off with my ex-bestie.

Bobbie, Glad you saw the counsellor, hopefully as your sessions progress you will get something out of it.
Make sure you don't do anything silly about your rapist or you will end up being punished twice and you will suffer again.

Email your friend back and tell her what you posted in this thread. Tell her that although advice is always welcome it does not mean it has to be taken and that you are pretty sure that she hasn't taken every bit of advice ever given to her. If she doesn't respond or still gets the hump then in my opinion she is not worth having as a friend....

[jason42]

Someone said something to me the other day which pretty much hit the nail on the head for me - "the price of ambition is sanity".

I went to university when I was 18 and quit after 6 months because something inside me said it wasn't the route for me. I joined a company when I left which is called Cobra where they basically promise you that following a program, you can end up owning your own marketing business. It was door to door sales with no basic salary and I got suckered into it for 9 months. I did pretty well and realised again, that this wasn't the route for me in life. 2 months after, I got offered a job working for a financial brokerage in Dubai so I moved out there and lived their for 7/8 months. Again, I didn't enjoy it and something told me that it wasn't the place for me. I left in January 2010.

I'm quite an ambitious person and I hate standing still in life. I'm also a perfectionist with absolutely everything and "suffer" mildly from OCD. Being a perfectionist makes me want to be perfect in the way I look, act, how people perceive and how I approach my job. And we all know nobody is going to be perfect. I was unemployed in 2010 for 8 months because I just couldn't find anything so moved to London for a job where I've been working since September. While I was unemployed, I had an epiphany and realised what I wanna do with my life and am now chasing that. I know this is the right choice because it feels a lot different to before.

Anyway, I guess I've been most frustrated with life since the time I came back from Dubai. It stretches longer than that though. In chasing all these ambitions and not living a "normal" student life like most of the people my age so a lot of my friends have dropped off the map which, in the grand scheme of things, I don't mind because they have cleared any distractions for me.

I don't know where this is leading so I'll cut to the chase. I don't drink alcohol so I don't go out clubbing or anything. If I go to the pub after work with some people on a Friday, it's only for a few hours until they all get drunk and I can't stand it anymore. As I said, I moved to London in September and most of my time outside of work has been slowly moulding my craft to chase my ambitions (which are going to kick off in the next couple of months). I don't want to say what it entails, I believe I'll be successful in it, but I want it to remain low key for now. I will say though that it partly involves writing.

Anyway, for the first month or two of being in London, I would race home, do some writing, go to bed, wake up, go to work and repeat. This helps me keep focused on what I want to achieve and it distracts me from any negative emotions I have. All this kind of drained away since around December time.

Now, I'm going to work looking forward to getting away from that place, only to come home and sit around doing nothing looking forward to going to work to get out of the apartment. My problem is more frustration than depression as I know I've had to be patient and continue to be patient for a little while longer.

It may not sound as much but from where I am, I look around me at people I know or in public and feel like an outsider. I feel like if I go on to facebook and see all my former school mates and their friend groups and indeed my own friends who I barely know now, I'm standing on the outside looking into a room with a party going on inside that I can't be part of. I despise where I work because it's a sales job and I'm not a salesperson. I'm good at sales, but it doesn't fit into my personality at all and I constantly seethe at the people around me and if I have a bad day, like today, then I analyse everything much, much more than I should.

For example, I was sitting at work in a bit of a mood looking forward to going home. Then I realised I would go home, eat, go on the internet for a couple of hours and then come back to work the next day and everything would carry on. I was sitting on the train back tonight questioning my own existence and asking myself what the point is in going on. I'm not suicidal and wouldn't ever contemplate it, but sometimes I wish I could just disappear. I hold on to a beacon of light in my ambition and know that I'll be successful in what I'm pursuing and of that, I have no doubt, but sometimes like today when I'm drained physically and emotionally, I don't understand what the point is. I lose that hope and ambition and don't get why I do what I do. My weekends are mostly spent at home watching the football or films with my mate, or surfing the internet or whatever. Until I'm working on what I need to be then I'm going to continue being this way. I fucking hate it. I pride myself in being a strong person mentally but this is really fucking my head up. I don't have the motivation to write. I push myself into doing some but it comes out all shit because I can't concentrate and am not "in the zone" enough to be bothered so I stop.

I know that there are probably some simple solutions to this like going out and meeting new people, trying to reacquaint myself with others, get involved with people from work and all that. I've tried it and didn't like it. Not because I'm a hermit or anything, I'm actually a pretty outgoing person, but because I see no point in doing it. It won't add value to my life and won't help my career. I've had offers from girls to go out and stuff, I've tried getting close to someone but I'm just too up and down for anything to work. My life actually depends on fulfilling what I want to fulfil because there's nothing else for me other than that. I can't picture myself in any other scenario and each day I'm not working towards fulfilling it, it eats away at me and I get more and more pissed off and frustrated about the situation I'm in.

I know it's only a couple of months until I'm on track. Right now, I'm in a massive rut. I can't make any close friends because they don't think on the same level I do. I don't mean that to sound arrogant but I have an assurance with myself with what I'm going to achieve that people don't understand. I'm quite flippant in small matters in life that I can push aside with ease that are a big deal to others than I can't get myself involved in because it hurts other people.

I haven't reread this to see if it makes sense and I'm not going to. I just let things flow out of my head and I feel like writing a lot more than this because it barely feels like I've scratched the surface (to coin a cliche). There are some things written in this thread which seem like a massive deal in life which I can't comprehend ever going through and respect the strength of some of you. I was hesitant to write this as you can tell from my earlier post because I didn't want to come across as some whiny, arrogant, spoiled kid or something when others are going through a lot more than me. That's as much as I can think of right now in a nutshell.

I am 40 years old mate. Shit happens in life and you don't always get what you want or what you feel you deserve from life. At 13 I had a possible Oxbridge education to look forward to - a real achievement for someone from my school. By 16 that had all gone as a messy divorce fucked up my school and home life. I joined the Navy early to get away from home. I was doing my A Levels as a pre cursor to Officer Training but needed to get away so I took the earliest possible posting - that of a lowly radio operator. While I was waiting to be accepted, I met and fell in love with Debbie and then my date came in and off I went. After basic training I had an interview with a Personnel Officer and she said I should have gone for Officer Training. I was 1 of only 2 out of about 200 to get 100% on the final exam. When I told her that was what I wanted she gave me two options - serve 18 months and then apply for officer (the process would take another 18 months minimum) or leave and re-apply in 12 months time straight for officer training. As I was missing my girl, we both decided that I would come out. I ended up working for McDonald's for 15 years and never went back. I left McDs as I had gone as far as I could with them (General Manager of a top store with a company car and really good benefits for me and the family eg private health care for us all) and went to work for Tesco as a Night Manager on the Senior Team reporting direct to the Store Manager. I did 2 years of Nights before falling ill and I am now on long term sick and registered disabled because of my condition.
My kids often ask me if I regret not going to Oxbridge or staying in the Navy but I don't know how my life would have turned out if I had done that. I sincerely doubt I would have met Debbie and then I wouldn't have a great wife and two great kids. It wasn't my dream to work for McDonald's or Tesco but I had to do it to provide for my family. In a strange way, the kids were so proud of me as in their words I had my own McDonald's and many of their friends were jealous of them because of my job. The kids got spoilt rotten every time they cam in the store and they loved it even more. I have regrets but they are outweighed by the positives.

You need to ask yourself what will you do if this venture doesn't come off? How will you cope if it fails or will you be truly satisfied if it does come off? Live your life and enjoy each day as if it were your last. At 35 years old I was in peak physical condition and coaching my son's football team. Overnight I became disabled and unable to many basic tasks due to my condition. Shit happens mate and you don't always get what you want or what you feel you deserve.....

[Roslagen]

Running will make everyone smiling. It certainly helped me out from a down period I had in my life a few years ago

[Trada]

It's like a tree grave yard in the back garden right now.

I took the Elderberry tree right out and then took out another tree at the bottom of the garden.

Tracy was not impressed and the neighbours thought I was mad.

But it's a great cure.

[Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov]

Running will make everyone smiling. It certainly helped me out from a down period I had in my life a few years ago

I agree mate but for some peeps even the thought of having to go outside their house is an immense task and for them running is not the answer (yet). In fact it's not just running - any form of exercise will do you good when you're not doing well. That will release endorphins (a hormone) in your brain which is also known as "the feel good" hormone... Even a walk at a good pace will do that for you.

[Chakan]

I agree mate but for some peeps even the thought of having to go outside their house is an immense task and for them running is not the answer (yet). In fact it's not just running - any form of exercise will do you good when you're not doing well. That will release endorphins (a hormone) in your brain which is also known as "the feel good" hormone... Even a walk at a good pace will do that for you.

My problem is motivation to go to gym, I started about 3 weeks ago, and have only been twice. I just can't motivate myself properly to get there and do an hour.

[Slightly Less Mediocre Baron Bennekov]

My problem is motivation to go to gym, I started about 3 weeks ago, and have only been twice. I just can't motivate myself properly to get there and do an hour.

The motivation should be yourself! You're doing something for your own well being. Look at it that way.

Perhaps you should start with something a bit "smaller" like going for a run or a fast paced walk near your house.? Use Google Maps to find a route near you so you don't have to move too far from your house if that makes you feel uncomfortable. Put some fastpaced music (the electronic cr*p you listen to ) on your mp3 player and get moving. Trust me as Roslagen says it'll make you feel better. In fact there's a syndrome called Runner's High - that's what peeps who obviously have been exercising for some time and are in good shape experience and that is supposedly part of what keeps them going.

Eventhough I'm not feeling mentally bad these days I try to go for a 5 km run 3-4 times a week and I must admit I feel happier afterwards - last week the missus had to tell me not to go out for a run 3 days in a row cause that'll fuck up my left knee (old traffic accident + footbal injury). Get out there mate - it'll do you good!