A very honest post! I think society fucks women over but it fucks men up.
A lot of blokes feel personally attacked when we talk about 'toxic masculinity' but they shouldn't, it's as unhelpful to men as it is to women. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to constantly have to deny your emotions or compete with your friends or not accept help. I've hypothesised for a while that part of the reason that male ex-partners are so dangerous to the women that they dated is because heterosexual men become very emotionally reliant on their partners, as they're often the only people they can open up to. Women might be heartbroken but they can talk to their friends or their sister or their mum, they have the kind of external support that men often don't. For some men, being dumped would be akin to being stranded at sea, and along with all of the Freudian ideas around possessing women as objects this can lead to extreme violence.
But how you address the pressure we put on men without pushing away all of the men who are attached to the idea of masculinity and alpha-ness, I don't know.
A problem I see in society is that it basically fucks
everyone over. It betrays both men
and women, but in different ways. If males are force-fed a toxic ideal of masculinity, it is destructively bad for the male, and the effects of that are bad for females and wider society as a whole too.
Men really shouldn't feel attacked by talk of toxic masculinity. I loathed it decades before the term was even invented. I was familiar with, and victim to, it's manifestations so hated it so much and knew how destructive it was. Problem is, men, just like women, have vast and varied potentials, but men are painted into a corner by the expectations placed upon them by society. Countries want men who will go to war for them, so they do not want males brought up to be feeling, thinking, sensitive and caring. That sort of man doesn't pick up a flag and start singing National Anthems then vowing to lay down their lives in war because of the ineptitude and madness of those who run countries.
Other males and plenty of females have called me all sorts of things in my lifetime because I adopted what society deems to be female attributes. Being sensitive and considerate had my sexuality brought into question. It's seen me labelled a ''weirdo, gay, bent, puff'' and all sorts of other names by both fellow males and certain females. When you are male, society and peer pressure tells you that you can only look a certain way, think a certain way and feel a certain way. This leaves us using a tiny fraction of our human potential. It leaves us stunted and unskilled emotionally. We are taught to be good with our hands and fists, but not with our minds and emotions.
Now none of this is a woe-is-me tale or sob story over what it's like being a man. What it is, is a window into things that make so many men so inadequate and so ill-equipped to deal with life and the people in their lives. All that has a massive knock-on effect in how many men act towards other people, their partners and women in general. It's odd in so many ways, I've known so many men who say they love women, but I've known very few who actually like them and respect them. That's not women's fault, it's on men and how men have been brought up and influenced. Mind you, I still recall the days when lads were encouraged to 'love and leave' to 'sow their wild oats' and basically ride roughshod over females. I once had a girlfriend whose mum and dad encouraged their son to do just that, whilst they were so precious about their daughter. Double standards? Mixed messages? Their take was simply ''it's different with lads.'' Forgetting all the time that their son was screwing over and hurting other people's daughters.
You absolutely nailed it when you put forward the idea that some males can be very dangerous to ex-partners due to the emotional reliance they once had on them. I'll be very open with you and admit that I was very much like this myself as a young man. OK, I was never dangerous as such, but I acted very badly and did cause some distress, which I will regret forever. Men, like everyone else, have emotional needs. We want and need to be loved. We are taught not to really admit that though. We are taught to deny and reject what is a massive part of who and what we are as human beings. Because of this, many of us never grow up in an emotional sense. In general, females are infinitely more emotionally mature because they've been encouraged to be so and have become skilled at it. As you said, females tend to have fantastic support networks and are often more than happy to seek help if they feel they need it. All that helps with emotional stability and health. On the other hand, males are told to ''man-up'' and get on with it on their own.
No one likes rejection, but females in general have the support around them and the emotional skills to deal with it. Males, generally speaking, lack this. Now society has always valued males who get what they want. Males who don't take no for an answer. Males who use physicality rather than their brains. Now put a needy, emotionally dependent male in a position of rejection, and he flounders. His emotional anchor (his ex) has not only gone, but has also rejected him. Now what has society taught men to do in difficult situations? Yes, fight, be aggressive, use your physicality to overcome and regain what you felt was yours. So, is it any wonder some males take this out on their ex and/or on the female population in general? It's no surprise to me whatsoever. In fact, it's highly predictable.
As a man, I am fully aware of the power females have. I also know it intimidates men far more than most would ever admit. An awful lot of men are scared of women, and they are scared of being opened up emotionally then abandoned by them too. Male physicality is the equaliser though, and due to the lack of emotional maturity and lack of skills that so many men have, some will always resort to what they see as not only that leveller, but also the perceived advantage physicality and emotional terrorism can offer them. Using that physicality and/or emotional abuse can be like putting a sticking plaster over the gaping hole where self-esteem should be. It can be a way to claw back a sense of power and control.
In essence, society has betrayed us all. It fucks us
all up but in different ways. Because we all have to live with and around each other, we are all paying the price in one form or other.
I've no idea what the answer to your question is. It's always in the interests of countries to bring their men up to be potential fighters. To be potential fighters you have to deny three quarters of your human potential as a man. Thinking, feeling, emotionally mature men don't rush off to take arms and kill people because a failed politician tells them too. While men are forced into a corner where it's only socially acceptable to access a tiny fraction of their human potential, then there will always be problems within male society, which then impacts on females too.
I often see masculinity like I see a gun. In the hands of a well adjusted, grounded, secure and emotionally sound person, it's safe. It can be employed in the right contexts and circumstances and be a very positive thing and maybe a life-saver.
The same 'gun' in the hands of an emotionally unstable, maladjusted, insecure and frightened male who might feel rejected by society or an individual, well that can get dangerous and very negative indeed.
I'm not even sure society really wants to tackle all this. Yes, it wants to address the symptom, but doesn't really want to recognise, acknowledge and address the causes.
As a male, I'm glad I turned my life around. I'm glad I rejected societies idea of what a man should be. I've taken a lot of abuse for it, mind, but at least I can look myself in the mirror and feel ok about being male and about being me.
I do hope this isn't seen in any way as derailing the thread, because I genuinely feel that it's absolutely on-thread 100%. The crimes we recoil in shock from don't just come out of nothing. The fear women have simply going about their daily lives does not come from nowhere either. There are so many contributing factors that see us where we are with this, and this post and others simply acknowledge the fact.
EDIT: I just want to add that, like Debbs said, society can never be perfect. There will always be horrible crimes. I don't think we are talking about expecting perfection here though. What we are talking about is the overall attitudes that pervade society. If we change them, then we can address an awful lot of problems and improve things greatly. It will never be perfect, but it can be better and safer for us all as a whole.
