Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny

[Linudden]

https://www.wsls.com/news/national/2022/08/18/colorado-homeowner-emptied-pistol-to-kill-bear-that-broke-in/

I think the bear was part of a neighbourwood tree gang!
Expecting a bear hug, the residents quickly realized it was actually a bear thug!

[Sangria]

https://www.wsls.com/news/national/2022/08/18/colorado-homeowner-emptied-pistol-to-kill-bear-that-broke-in/

I think the bear was part of a neighbourwood tree gang!
Expecting a bear hug, the residents quickly realized it was actually a bear thug!

The bear broke into the house to steal food. It was a bearglar.

[BarryCrocker]

The bear broke into the house to steal food. It was a bearglar.

Should have had goldie locks on the door.

[Only Me]

My wife asked me to pass her a lipstick the other day.

I was a bit distracted, so I accidentally passed her a Pritt stick.

She hasn’t spoken to me since.

[Linudden]

The bear broke into the house to steal food. It was a bearglar.

The bearing grocery trip got Teddy blown back downstairs, the hungry bugger.

[Sangria]

Should have had goldie locks on the door.

That pun's not too bad, not too good. Just right.

[SamLad]

Her: You know, now that we're married, you can quit drinking.

Him: You sound like my ex-wife.

Her: You've been married before!!??

Him: No.

[neil4ad]

How do you keep a Turkey in suspense?


.... I'll tell you later.

[liverbloke]

i saw my doctor yesterday and said to him what do you think this is? as i dropped my trousers and got my cock and balls out

he said i don't think it's anything to worry about but next time could you come to the surgery as i haven't finished my shopping yet

[Scottish-Don]

I don’t know why there is such a fuss about Diana’s Ford Escort selling for £650k…her brother in law’s escort cost £12 million.

[elbow]

Did you hear about the non binary prospector?

They found gold in them/their hills!

[SamLad]

Did you hear about the non binary prospector?

They found gold in them/their hills!

[Andy @ Allerton!]

Had a weird today.

First it was going brilliantly - found a hat full of money, but then some mad nutter ended up chasing me with a guitar

[liverbloke]

my mate Sney has been the victim of id theft

[Andy @ Allerton!]

my mate Sney has been the victim of id theft

Sounds a bit Snidey him.

[fiveways]

what do you do if you see a spaceman


park in it man

[liverbloke]

Sounds a bit Snidey him.

very good 

[liverbloke]

just came back home from a game of golf and the girlfriends asks me how did it go love?

i said the guy i was playing with had a massive heart attack after the 5th hole and died

she said oh my god that must have been terrible for you

i said you don't know the half of it - it's not easy lugging around a dead body for 13 holes

[liverbloke]

my girl snuggled up next to me in bed and said do you have any fantasies?

i said liverpool double the quadruple?

she said no silly, sometimes i fantasise about brad pitt

i said oh thanks

she said oh, it's only a bit of fun - is there anyone that you fantasise about

i said no never

she said i don't mind - it's only a bit of fun

so i said well, your sister sometimes

she hasn't spoken to me since

[Andy @ Allerton!]

I was known as Scarface at school, see, by the kids, see. That's what they called me, see!



I was great at knitting, me.

[Fitzy.]

My wife says she's leaving me because of my childish ways.

I said good luck with that as the floor is lava.

[liverbloke]

man at an interview

interviewer hmm tell me what is your biggest weakness?

man well, i am very honest and say what i think

interviewer well, actually that can be seen as a good thing

man i don't fuckin care what you think

[bradders1011]

My girlfriend left me because of my alopecia.

It's hair loss.

[Mumm-Ra]

My girlfriend left me because of my alopecia.

It's hair loss.

 

[Andy @ Allerton!]

I pointed at the calendar and said to my wife 'It's been one of those days today'

[liverbloke]

guy walking along and suddenly a dog comes out of nowhere and bumps into the guy

dog sorry, my fault i was just not looking where i was going

guy flippin eck a talking dog!

dog i've been talking since i was a puppy

guy you should get a job in the circus

dog why? are they looking for electricians?

[liverbloke]

a mate of mine told me this story... are you sitting comfortably? then i'll begin...

he used to work at a posh hotel in the lake district and had this regular fella stay who had very poor eyesight but had an assistance dog called buddy

every year at the same time he would stay at the hotel for one week in the same room because he knew the layout of the room and so did buddy

buddy would wait patiently at his side whilst he ate, drank and went about the hotel including long walks in the hotel garden

on day 2 of his stay while the 2 of them were on a walk a car horn spooked buddy and he ran off

the old fella called out buddy buddy but it never came back

he sat everyday of his stay at the hotel calling out of the window but to no avail

on the last day he wept as he left the hotel for home

but when he got home what do you think was waiting on the doorstep for him?










7 pints of milk and 2 yoghurts - he forgot to tell the milkman he was going away

[Redwhiteandnotblue]

Last night I lost the pub quiz on the very last question which was "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer was "Fiji"

[liverbloke]

young son to dad what's a transvestite, dad?

dad stop asking question and pass me my bra will yer

[liverbloke]

i saw an RAC man at the traffic lights - he was in tears at the wheel of his van

i thought he's heading for a breakdown

[capt k]

i saw an RAC man at the traffic lights - he was in tears at the wheel of his van

i thought he's heading for a breakdown

Very good...

\but you dont need to bold the punch line.. we get it..

[John C]

I pointed at the calendar and said to my wife 'It's been one of those days today'

[liverbloke]

Very good...

\but you dont need to bold the punch line.. we get it..

no need t be so bold about it 


camouflage class tutor - i see we have a big turn out tonight, which is disappointing

[Terry de Niro]

A man has died because of hundreds of books landing on top of him. The police have issued a statement, saying "he only has his shelf to blame".

[Fitzy.]

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

[liverbloke]

just made this up so be kind you bastards


went to a lecture on infinity last night

it was alright but the speaker didn't half go on and on and on

[afc tukrish]

just made this up so be kind you bastards


went to a lecture on infinity last night

it was alright but the speaker didn't half go on and on and on

Taken me a while to get that one, still working on it...

[Nobby Reserve]

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

Love it 

[Tesco tearaway]

Being a flasher at my age isn't easy; I'm thinking of retiring 
Might just stick it out for one more year though.

[afc tukrish]

Being a flasher at my age isn't easy; I'm thinking of retiring 
Might just stick it out for one more year though.